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Thread: affairs of the heart

  1. #1
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    affairs of the heart

    I know this will be viewed instantly as cliche or me having my head where the sun does not shine, but I am in love w/ my boss. Or should I say ex-boss because I put in notice a month ago and ended my working relationship with the best firm I have ever been at and some of the best co-workers a person could have because the feelings with my boss were too intense and becoming too evident to others at the firm. He has been "happily" married for over 20 years, never had an affair (seriously, I am the first) and this man completes my world for me. I could be soo completely happy w/ him for the rest of my life. People that don't even know us before hand have told me or commented to us that they thought there was something going on because you can almost see the electricity between us. He is truly my Romeo. The problem- he says he is in love w/ his wife and thereforeeeeeee, cannot love me. Even though the world views this as totally wrong and not proper, isn't there just one time, or sometimes, when the cliche is wrong? I make him so happy and honestly, I never thought it possible in my wildest dreams that a man so much older than myself could turn me on beyond belief and that same attraction is still well and alive, fiercely so, almost a year later. Obviously it the affair is something that could and would cause pain to innocent parties, it is wrong, right? so why does it feel so right? why do all the puzzle pieces in our scenario fit like they were made for us? once you make a commitment, even though it was over 20 years ago, does that mean even if you know your happy w/ someone else that you still stay married to the person your married to just cuz it is the right thing to do? I don't see how you can stay married to someone just for the kids' sake, but on the same hand I certainly do. I just don't know what to think anymore, and so thereforeeeeeee, I block it out but I love him, he does know this, but to simplify matters, I gave notice at the firm, and moved back to my original home state which is 2,000 miles away. I hope against hope that he will come for me and realize he loves me too and obviously it wouldn't have just been lust all these months, right?? Am I totally naive and stupid or is it just because I have never been in this type of situation before? please help....

  2. #2
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    Response for you

    Hello. I had a friend who went through a very similar experience and she later got some professional advice from a counselor and it really helped her understand her feelings and how to move on. I might actually give them a try too, I heard they are very helpful. Good luck!
    Last edited by kamurj; 12-01-2006 at 01:56 PM.

  3. #3
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    Re: Affairs

    By leaving, you did the right thing. Weather or not you will be able to tell your hubby, is up to you. Maybe it's time to spend alot of time doing enjoyable things with your hubby to bring you backthe love you once felt for him.

  4. #4
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    lgl_chic, I understand where you are coming from, and also your dilema because I was/am in a similar postion...but I am the married one in love with someone else, who is also younger than me.

    After 6 months of much personal struggle, I have decided to stay with my husband and two children instead of pursuing the relationship with the other man whom I still love very much. I cannot tell you that I have made the right choice or not, but I can tell you that not all cliche's are true and if you and your ex-boss are meant to be together...then you will be together. I know it's not a popular public opintion but I believe that if you follow your heart, and be true to yourself...without having intentions of hurting anyone, then things will work out the way the should...either with or without this man.

    Good for you for leaving work and moving so far away too...it must have been an extremely difficult decision for you - so now the ball is in this mans court and if he comes for you, I would welcome him open-armed - but don't put your life on hold because of him either.

    I don't believe that couples should stay together ONLY for their children...my husband and I both want our children to see a good relationship, or no relationship at all. And a close male friend of mine has stayed with his wife for 10 years longer after knowing that he's not in love with his wife, for their children, and completely regrets it. His children did not see a happy couple and he feels that he made the wrong choice years ago. But there are pros and cons to both sides and whatever this man chooses, either to come for you or be with his present family, that will be the bed that he has to lie in, and neither option is easy.

    So if nothing else, know that you are on his mind too...and everything will happen as it should. It is not your fault that you've fallen in love with a married man, and it's not his fault that he's fallen in love with you too...love chooses you and isn't easy.

    I wish you the very best, much peace in your heart and a lifetime of real love, no matter who it ends up being with!

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  6. #5
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    Dear Lgl_Chic-
    I was in a relationship with a married man for 4 years. It ended very badly, and that is why I am visiting this site right now, because the pain is bad. If you think you are confused right now, let me garantee you you will be in some bad pain if he comes back after you, and he is still married. From my experience, I would say, give him the time of day IF and WHEN he is either separated or divorced. Let me tell you, there is a reason God made adultery one of the ten commandments....He loves you and NOT DATING this man is the DIRECT WAY OF AVOIDING A LOT OF PAIN.
    Dating a married man seems great, esp if they are successful, handsome, charming, and older. You will have fleeting happiness, but it will quickly pass once reality sets in. Then you have more good times, until he has to leave....then again reality sets in, each time more discouraging than before, unless you learn to lie to yourself, which helps your pain somewhat, but self-delusion in worse than pain, because you're now fooling yourself.
    The man I dated was 50, a doctor, very good looking, and was kind to me and chased me for 6 or 8 months until I finally said yes to going to lunch. I was 27 at the time. We were both crazy about each other.
    I do not know if you have become intimate with him or not, or gone to dinner, but I strongly advise you not to. I will tell you many people warned me. He was a great manipulator, but I was a good candidate for him, because I gave him God-like status in my mind...we did feed off each other, and right or wrong, we gave each other emotionally, romantically and sexually what we both needed. One reason, quite plainly he stayed with me was that it was an ego-trip for him to be with such a young woman, who did adore him and told him constantly. It is hard for an older man do pass this up.
    I will say that right now you seem a great deal like me when I first began to talk to R, the married man I dated for 4 years...What I mean is you seem confused about if it feels so great, why is the situation the way it is? I felt this way in the beginning, and it grew into something much more painful, the more I stayed in it. What I ask you is this: If you think your love with him is the love of the century, and if you really love him, it will be damned hard to get out, the longer you stay. There are always chances of things working out in life, even a man leaving his wife for you. I am here to tell you, from what I have seen and been through, the chances of a man leaving his wife is about 10% chance. I suppose what I am trying to tell you is the emotions you will go through if you and this guy really begin to see and devote time to one another, esp outside the office. You are in the position of always being second fiddle, and he will make it seem like his marriage is an OBLIGATION. I promise you, Lgl_Chic, you will feel so awful inside on holidays, because he will most likely be with them, esp if he has children. When you spend time with him, or do sexual things with him, I promise you your feelings will begin to take a real stronghold on you. This is when you will feel an awful jealousy, that I can't even describe, except to say, it will make you sick in your heart. You will understand that you ARE sharing him, even though he will say something to the contrary, as, "we don't have sex", "we live separate lives,"ect....I TELL YOU, YOU WILL BEGIN TO FEEL SO BAD, THE MORE YOU FALL IN LOVE, BECAUSE IN REALITY HE IS NOT YOURS. Remember that the fact that he is married will begin to affect all of your life, the deeper you get in. On holidays, you will most likely see him for a little while, because he has to spend time with them...they WILL get the large chunk of his time during the holidays. When he leaves your place, if he does not spend the night, it will be harder and harder to see him go, and you'll ask him if he is going home to her. You will want to introduce him to your friends and family the more you fall in love, and how will the people in your life respond to this? My mother never met the man who sadly had my heart for 4 years. She would not until he divorced his wife, and my sister who is younger than me, simply did not understand, and for a while, did not talk to me for 6 months, and would not see me for a year. And when you are not with him, his wife will eventually become an obsession to you.. it is horrible to endure esp when you two have just spend the evening in a very romantic way. You'll begin to YEARN simply for something normal, and become jealous of people who are actually normal, as bizarre as this seems.
    I am going on and on, and there is so much more pain here associated with dating a married man I could go on forever, but I'll give you advice I think you need, that may help the most. If you do continue with him, I hope you are a patient girl. I will say that if he really loves you, he will divorce his wife. If she is the long-suffering, uncomplaining type, you just may be in for a long haul. Wrong or right, men want to be with women who love being in bed with them, who respect them, esp their time, understand their work demands, and believe it or not, the most important part of getting a man to spend time with you is to be fun, and make him want more of you. If he has habitually cheated on her, it would appear to me that he does not really love her, and you just may be another one - if he spends a lot of time with you, you just may be able to get him, if you're smart. If this is the first time, he may be going through a mid-life crisis, and you need to determine if he really loves you or just is afraid of getting old. If you want to get him, you must be nicer and better than his wife. You will be in competition with her, whether you realize it or not...because deep in your heart your goal is to have him all to yourself, and while he is married, he NEVER will be all yours....Understand that giving your whole heart to a married man is simply giving to a person who can only give you a PART of his...THIS was the most painful thing.
    If you calls you, I hope you tell him you don't want to date a married guy, period, and if he is ever divorced, THEN he can give you a call. THIS IS THE BEST ADVICE. Good luck, and I hope everything no matter what you do, will turn out well for you -
    Anna V.

  7. #6
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    in response to last post

    I just saw your message Anna V and I thank you for it. Alot of what you said is true and definitely something for me to consider. It has been six months since I first wrote that post and I must say now to this day current, I still love this man, more than ever, in fact, he told me he loved me finally for the first time, which I know was hard for him to admit, last Thursday as we said goodbye for the last time. I know he is married, and committed and want him to stay that way. He has children to think of and he is the world's greatest dad, always thinking of his kids first and the fact that he is devoted so much to them makes me love him more. The fact is at the end of something that happened which you cannot control, or let me rephrase that part, you cannot control your feelings (such as falling in love with someone who is taken) but you can control whether you continue feeding into doing wrong things such as having an affair with a married man-- I love him, and am in love with him, will have a piece of his heart inside mine forever, but that does not change his committment prior made to his family. I would not want to hurt something that would destroy him in the long run to leave. thereforeeeeeee we are left with our longing and wishes for things to be different. But they never are in love are they? Thank you for your caring message and words. I appreciate them. But affair no more am I having- holding out for destiny the next time. Take care.

  8. #7
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    Wow! I just saw this reply too. You knock my socks off with what you wrote. Thank you for your words. They mean more than you can know (or maybe you do know) --but one thing is for sure, if it is meant to be, then it will be and nothing can change that. It sure is hard though just going on with life hoping against hope that he will come for you and knowing at the same time, he will not ...I don't believe I could ever be quite as happy as with anyone else, but somehow someway, I have got to someday. Why does love have to choose others previously committed to spouses. I wouldn't wish this on my worst enemy but I wouldn't take it back for anything in the world. Better to have loved and lost in love, than never to have loved at all. Again, thanks for your kind reply and good luck to you with your decision. I wish you all the best but above all, be happy because ultimately that is what matters. True inner happiness and peace.


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