I'm in serious need of a social life

OK. Look at my post count, just slightly to the left of this text. It's a two digit number. Probably an indication of my problem.

Here's the deal: I was in a single relationship for my entire life, from my teens up to just a few months ago (I'm 26). I have no friends whatsoever, and the closest I get to social interaction is talking to the middle-aged women I work with or posting on message boards like this one.

My "ex" found a girlfriend (see the LGBT sub-board for details) literally within hours of deciding she wanted one. Amazingly, they've hit it off, and they're now planning a fifth date, and they spend their evenings on the phone together or chatting online... I'm the total odd man out. I can't even talk to my "ex" right now (who is also my best friend), because all she wants to talk about is how wonderful being gay is to her.

I have deep social anxiety problems and no idea where to go besides bars to meet other adults. Add to that the fact that I'm very heavy (280lbs. or so) not very knowledable or interested in the things that most people usually talk about (sports, popular music etc), and what I see is that I'm about a half-step away from being a complete hermit.

I really want to believe that the good things my "ex" saw in me are really there. I want to think I could make someone else happy, or at least be interesting enough to talk to. I *need* to get out of my apartment and into some kind of life besides work... but I have no idea what to do.

Can anyone help?

Hey Mercutio,

While I don't know much about you, let me try to give you some advice.

First of all, after a relationship of many years (sounds like 7+), perhaps not talking to your ex for awhile is the best thing you can do for yourself. While you say she saw something in you, her complete dismissal of your gender is probably not doing wonders for your confidence.

Some ideas for meeting people: assess your interests and personal strengths. You say you don't like popular music or sports. Most women don't like sports. Chalk one up for you. I'm guessing from your screen name that you're into Shakespeare. Take in a play. If you have some free time, you might want to consider helping to stage a local production. It would be a great way to meet women who share your interest in theater. If you live in a bigger city, find out if one of the museums has a singles night. Volunteer.

Have a knack or an ear for singing? Find out if a local coffee shop is putting on an open mic this week. If you can play and sing, that's great (women like men who can sing). It will give you confidence and show another side of your personality. If not, go anyway and develop opinions on local musicians.

See local bands. They're cheap, so if you don't enjoy it, you're not out a lot of money.

And to prepare yourself for conversation with the women you're likely to meet at any of these events, you might want to consider brushing up on any of these topics: President Bush's moral authority for admonishing corporate crime, your favorite Puccini opera, the success or failure of modern Shakespeare adaptions, your local paper's top editorial, the Best Picture worthiness of A Beautiful Mind (or Gladiator or American Beauty or Shakespeare in Love).

Smile. Make eye contact. Ask a woman about herself, her friends, her family, her roommate, her pets, her favorite book, her job, her college memories. And insert a few of your own. Ask her out!

And whether you're still stuck or ready to take it to the next level, let me recommend sex advice columnist Dan Savage.

Hope I've inspired you.

K. Marshall

btw thanks marshall for the cool link, it is quite funny.

Well Mercutio you're not in the easiest situation. Marshall has raised a couple of important points, I'll try and build on them. I'm not a psychologist or anything, but I'll do my best.

Yes, try and move on from the relationship. Your ex doesnt seem to be that interested to speak with you about meaningful things any more, which is exactly not what you need. She has moved on, you need to move on too.

You must have some interests, everybody has interests. There are bound to be cultural groups or societies in your area catering for your needs. Look them up in your local newspaper or on the net or something. This is a great way to meet like-minded individuals you are most likely to feel comfortable with. If you see frequenting bars as the only way out, then you might be up against a wall, because I guess in places like that the most commonly discussed things might well be things like sports, etc, as you mentioned.

Now that you have broken up, don't feel so down in the dumps about it! See it as an opportunity for personal growth and a door that will open up new experiences for you. There are millions of women out there, and there are bound to be many for you. If you are worried about your weight (I sense you are), consider altering your diet, seeing a dietitian, and perhaps starting on a simple excercise program involving light excercise (walking medium distance). You will start seeing differences soon and you will likely gain some self-confidence out of it. Confidence arises from achieving things you haven't done before, so set yourself goals and try your hardest to achieve them. It lifts you, and the happier you are, the more likely you are to be successful (in all aspects of your life).

A little about myself. In high school I felt like I was going nowhere. I was the subject of ridicule, had few friends and minimal social life, and little direction. In the last year of school, I got my shit together, worked my arse off, and got into medical school. I graduate and will be a doctor in about 4 months' time. I have come full circle, from a real loser to someone who feels he has achieved something. It may not be much in the greater scheme of things, but it lifts me when I look back at my personal growth in terms of relationships, work ethic etc. It wasnt easy for me either, I still have anxiety problems and suffer from depression, but you learn to kick it aside and remind yourself that you only live once and that just because you stop and dont feel like continuing, life carries on whether you like it or not. So you might as well get out of that apartment and get in on the act!

I don't know how useful this advice is, probably not very useful... Perhaps you could speak to some people at work, they know you better and would be able to help if you open up to some of them. But good luck anyway, let me know how it's going. Email me if you like.

nadir

Join a group that does something you enjoy.

If you like tennis, join a tennis group etc.

If your frightened, swallow your fear and to it.

I've had to do this. I came to a new town and had to go out and meet people. Sure, it's scary but you sure become a stronger person and you believe in yourself too.

Also, I've read a few lines from a book called, "Dare to Connect" by Susan Jeffers.

Do you reach out to people for the sake of yourself or to help and care for the less fortunate than yourself?

If you reach out for yourself and hope that somebody can 'FIX' your low self-esteem, loneliness etc then you will never get it.

Noone cane fix our problems - only ourselves. '

If you reach out to help others this is great cause it will make you feel better in yourself and happier. It is doing the other person a favour and creating love in this world.

You'll will find other people there as well and you can socialize with them.

How about getting that book and reading it!!!!!

All the best

Hi Mercutio,

I understand how you feel, when I was in Highschool I hung out with a lot of girls who were "perfect". To this day I'm still dieting, worrying what they think about me and all that painful stuff. But I've come a long way, I've learned that if you let other people dictate how you feel you can never truly be happy . It's hard to not care but a good start is to act confident even when your not, and if you have nothing to offer than just listen (you'll be surprised at how much people crave an interested listener). I avoid the people who make me feel inadequete and so should you. It hard to end a friendship but it's even harder on you if you don't.

I hope this helps