Bi sexual wife

My wife went out of town recently, when I saw her again she had dark marks all over her arms. I thought she had had to much to drink and gotten hurt, at 1st she told me she was rough housing with a female friend and after a few days I put a few comments she said together and figured out she had an affair with another woman. The marks were bite marks! As odd as this may seem I did not get angry about this, I asked her about it. She stated she was not lesbian as she was very sexually attracted to me, but admitted she has always been bi sexual and just had not acted on it in a long time. We began exploring the idea of bringing another woman into our bed, not for to touch honestly but for her to touch and do what ever. She has told me since this is a bad idea and she is just going to suppress it inside but also states she feels confused about it. I asked confused about what, she says she doesnt know that she just feels confused. I believe what she feels is that I will panic and think she is going to leave me for another woman. Maybe I do feel that way abit, i dont know. I just dont know what to do. Do I dont want to repress some feeling she has, but its not right to say go ahead and sleep around on me either. Please offer any advise on this matter you can. thanks

As a woman who also has bisexual tendancies, I can tell you that I understand your wife's feelings. I am also married to a man whom I love.

I believe that a majority of women in this country feel as your wife and I do on some level. I have been with women whom I love and care for. I also chose to exchange marital vows with my husband. I do not believe that it is a question of sexuality, rather a question of fidelity. What couples decide to do to enhace their sex lives behind closed doors is ultimately a choice only they can make. However, when it comes to a spouse carrying on separate sexual encounters from the sex you and she share, I believe that constitutes infidelity and that you will ultimately suffer and that all trust and friendship will inevidably dissolve.

I have also experienced a threesome with my first husband and a close female friend. Even though we were all close and there was friendship and trust involved, it still hurt our relationship. There will always be an element of jealousy when real images of extamarital partners come into your mind. This is human nature. Men and women are meant to walk through this life two by two. As a bisexual, I also need to tell you that I still believe that procreation is as important now as in the beginning of time. I believe that men are for women and women are for men. Sexual pleasure and committed love are two completely different things and if I have to choose between them one day, I will still choose long lasting and true, devoted love. Forever will always outlive an orgasm...no matter where that orgasmic pleasure comes from. Your wife committed herself to you, not to anyone else..not even to a woman.

Best of luck and love.

Feel fortunate that your wife remains committed to your marriage. My girlfriend told me she *might* be gay... a little later that she's probably gay, and finally tonight said the most soul-crushing thing of all: "My girlfriend's single touch on my hand is more arousing than anything you ever did for me."

Your wife is bi, and sleeps in your bed. My ex is gay, and nothing I ever do will ever mean as much as that single touch.

Your wife needs to be honest about her feelings and about her habits. You need to accept those habits and steel yourself for whatever you need to make your marriage work.

A few weeks ago, my wife and I had serious conversation. We have been married 30+ years, have 3 adult children and 2 grand-children. Ours hasn’t always been a perfect marriage, fights, money, etc., but we have always been committed to each other and the family and always land on our feet.

After moving back to our small home town, my wife started working at the local hardware/lumber/home improvement store. I began to notice a change in her. She had previously been a waitress, a bank teller, a care giver, what might be thought of as at one time as “women’ jobs” (her words). She held strong opinions about women not working in certain jobs such as police, firefighter etc.. I was surprised when she took the job she has now, but as always she excelled at it and is currently one of the most successful employees in her dept regionally.

About 2 years ago, another woman began working there and she and my wife struck an immediate friendship. The woman, Jane, was openly gay and she quickly became part of our extended family, dinners, trips, social events. We have had gay friends in the past and it’s never been a problem. My wife has always been hetero but has accepted gay people as friends.

As you can guess, our previously mentioned conversation was about Jane’s and hers relationship. Over the past year, my wife, Pam, and I had grown apart, really apart. Any attempt I made to arrange for us to have alone time was quickly squashed either with or without a specific reason. The most hurtful,(?) was our 30th wedding anniversary. For years, she wanted for us to go on a cruise together and I finally agreed to go for the anniversary, because it’s what she wanted. As I began talking to her about, she began to come up with reasons for not going or delaying the trip. This was in OCT. I was heartbroken when the day of our 30th came and we spent the day sitting behind our computers and not talking. Over the next months, she began taking trips out of town, sometimes to casinos sometimes to other places, places she wouldn’t normally go, but always with Jane. I saw the proverbial writing, but took no action hoping against hope that I was overly suspicious or feeling left out.

Before continuing, a few facts: Pam has been going through what we believe is menopause and is seemingly at the end of it. She hasn’t been to a doctor, and has in her usual fashion, handled it with grace and strength. She has rarely complained. Our sex life has been what one might consider normal for a 30 year couple ages 48/47 respectively, and dealing with menopause. She has told me she has never had an extra-marital affair and I believe her. I have had an extra-marital affair about 10 years ago, which ended when she discovered it and we re-pledged ourselves to each other

The night of our conversation, she had returned from an overnight trip with Jane, one that had begun as a day trip but quickly turned into an overnighter. They were going to the same place which I had invited her to a week previously and she told me she didn’t like. I knew it was time for the truth. We sat down and she began by saying she and I had grown apart and that after 30 years, it might be time to end our marriage. I called bulls(*t. She then told of the affair, saying that they had been intimate since FEB. This began one of the most heart breaking, exciting, enlightening times of our life. We have talked virtually every day since that night and often find ourselves awake until the wee hours just talking. We have begun lovemaking again and it’s beyond anything I could have ever imagined. We don’t really do anything new, but it is so intense and affectionate that it all seems brand new. The night she told me about the affair I wasn’t really shocked, but was deeply hurt as we discussed all the times she had deceived me or caused us to miss out some good times because she loved Jane so much and couldn’t bear the thought of “cheating” on her. As we continued to talk, I told her that however things turned out, that I would take care of her. She told me she always knew that and that she still loved as much now as she ever did. That night, I sent her to Jane’s house because I knew she would be worried and I wanted to comfort Pam as much as possible.

The next day, I developed what we refer to as Plan A. Pam has told me that if I force her to a choice, she would stay with me. I know this would break her heart because she feels so deeply for Jane. Our plan is for us to continue living together, normally, and for she and Jane to continue seeing each other. What makes the situation so unique is, she vehemently denies being a lesbian, citing her love for Jane as unique and the sex to be an off-shoot of her love for Jane. I have been trying to understand if my wife of 30 years is discovering she is a lesbian or bi-sexual, or if this is a unique case of a straight woman falling for a gay woman.

Since that night, Pam has gone to Jane’s home and they have been intimate. She has openly and honestly disclosed this to me as part of Plan A. I have accepted it, and tried to support her. Pam is a remarkable woman who has an unbelievable ability to deal with whatever life throws at her. I truly believe that this arrangement can work, as long as I remind myself that I am willing to make it work.

As I mentioned, we live in small town with plenty of wagging tongues and folks who love to mind other peoples business. My greatest fear is Pam’s affair and the nature of it will be discovered and the damage to the children and Pam’s reputation will be irreparable.

I am desperately seeking info from other people who have had similar experiences and opinions on whether or not we stand a snowball’s chance of making this work.

Being bisexual is not an excuse to cheat on someone you're in a relationship with, if one wants to explore then they can break up first, it's the decent thing to do. Now if you're open to letting another join the bed just be sure you prepare for all eventualities.

I guess I come from the old school, where cheating is cheating. I'm in somewhat the same situation with my "significant other". When you're with someone, you're with them for life. What's so darned confusing about that?

Thank God, someone who thinks like I do!! I thought I was alone!! Thank-you for your post, it gave me hope!

How can I even tell you how close to what I'm dealing with what YOU'RE dealing with is? You are a good person, just working around the crap that you're dealt. Let me know how it goes, it will help ME deal with what I'm going through.

Happiest,

Was this directed to me or the first poster? If it was me I can only say it is a day by day thing. For the first time in my life I am not looking for the lifelong plan nor do I need to be certain of how my life will turn out. I just know she needs me now. This may change, but I'll deal with what comes along.

And thanx Maid marian for your insightful post

My friend I am in the same situation with one exception the other women isn't gay in fact she is married with children. I have basically taken the same stand as you and I things are going ok. I do have bouts of jealousy when my wife wants to hang with her friend. Another difference is overnights are strictly forbidden. I told her I need her to be honest with me no matter what I ask because I deserve it. I am willing to allow their relationship to continue because when me and the other husband initially tried to make it end both of the women were in kind of a state of depression. So we have all agreed to limit there time together to 1 day a week and 1 day on the weekend, in all instances she must be in by 11pm this is going to change eventually but for now they are abiding by the rules. When I ask questions sometimes my wife gets upset as if we have reverted back to square one but I told her the reason I am asking these questions is to prevent that from happening. I am really into conspiracy theories but and probably over evaluate everything. I am trying and hoping at the same time that the relationship ends. My wife and the other women both insist that they are not gay but that they unexpectedly fell in love and didn't see it coming but that it feels to natural to fight off. They have been seeing each other and sexually involved for almost 2 years I and the other husband have only known for about 3 months. The women insist that they love their husbands and don't have no plans on ending the marriages if press they will try to stop seeing each other but they will be miserable. By allowing them to see each other makes them happy and makes our sex life incredible. My head has grasped it but my heart still aches sometimes but i think i will be ok your story gives me hope.

Feel fortunate that your wife remains committed to your marriage. My girlfriend told me she *might* be gay... a little later that she's probably gay, and finally tonight said the most soul-crushing thing of all: "My girlfriend's single touch on my hand is more arousing than anything you ever did for me."

Ouch. Hard to believe someone could be that mean.