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Thread: I'm a mess right now

  1. #1
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    Jun 2002
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    3

    I'm a mess right now

    Hi,

    My life is a mess right now. I do IT consulting, and lost my main client this week - this had been kind of coming for a little while so I expected it. On top of this, my girlfriend of a year asked for some time and space apart the same bloody day.

    I don't know where to begin. I need to get some sort of income going again fast. I'm pretty confident on that aspect of my life. I'm also trying to figure out what is happening with this relationship.

    I know things have been up and down with us for the last couple of months. She has been unhappy with herself and some of my behavior(s).
    These things have made her grow distant emotionally and sexually. The other day, she asked for time apart while I 'get my act together'.

    The night she asked for this time apart - we sat down and talked. When she asked for all of this, I asked her what she meant by 'time and space'.

    Here's the thing. I don't know where her head is at. She spends the first part of this conversation putting me down, and our relationship. She then recommends that we take some time (major time) like a month apart. Then she goes on to say she does not want a serious relationship right now and goes on about how independent she is. (Last weekend while she was at my place she was going on about kids, marraige, and our future in a very positive light).

    Anyway - At the end of our conversation the other day, she confuses me by saying that she thinks this will be good for her, me AND us. I pointed out that she said "US" and she said yes - that she doesn't want to give up on the relationship. She also said that she would call me tonight.

    Truth is she has been pulling away from me for the last while - and has been saying that I am too demanding of her time.

    I love her, but I need more attention and affection from her. What the hell do I do? Do I respect the fact that she needs this time and space, and work on myself for a while - and wait for her to come around? I don't feel that it is fair that I be made to wait around for her.

    I'm hurting, and need to lessen my confusion here. I almost want to say to heck with the relationship - and not answer the phone when she calls tonight. One of my friends said that I have been acting like the pursuer, and her the pursuee for the last couple months.

    Should I suck it up and stop being so needy? Should I turn the tables and not have any contact with her?

    Any tips would be appreciated.

    Thanks.

  2. #2
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    May 1978
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    379

    Follow up

    OK - I feel better after having talked to a few friends and making that last post. My girlfriend called like she said she would, and we talked.

    She called to see how I was doing, and we talked briefly about the relationship. She is still confusing me though (as she offered to call me tomorrow). I realize now that I have been too demanding on her, and have been little too controlling. I think that a little time will be good - as I know I need to work on a few things (like my finances and excessive drinking). I don't want to lose her, and I love her. I think I'm going to do what I can to rescue this relationship - and give her as much space as required.

    Tips and thoughts still appreciated.

  3. #3
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    May 1978
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    379

    hey

    if you think that she still loves you, then try to solve the problem out. if she doesn't, the best way is to let her go.
    i know how much it hurts to let somebody go. i just did two weeks ago. still now, there pain inside me. good luck to you.

  4. #4
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    Jun 2002
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    Your girlfriend

    Hi there.Did your girlfriend know about your client leaving before she said that she wanted some space? If she did then that's pretty mean.If she didn't then I would give her the benefit of the doubt.You don't say how old she is - maybe if she's young she's getting a bit panicky- it happens!!! Give her some time and back off a little - don't pressure her.That will backfire ..... people need space to think.......
    Hugs...
    Haven

  5.  

  6. #5
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    Jun 2002
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    Hi all,

    Thank you for the warm and encouraging responses.

    Today is Monday, and it has almost been a week. I decided Saturday
    that it is time to make some big changes in my life. The first thing
    I did for myself was to quit drinking for the next couple of months.
    That felt good in itself, and my mental state is already much better.

    I also joined a gym, and have been working out steadily 2 hours a day since Saturday. Man that feels good too.

    I have kept up with my pledge to give her time and space.
    She has been calling me daily since the break-up, and I have not called her. She says that she will continue to call me to provide support while I deal with my issues, and if things change in a big way she will reconsider getting back into the realtionship (BUT she has her reservations about
    whether things will work out at all). Talk about mixed signals.

    I can also tell that she is hurting with this, and is angry with me. When she calls me, she acts cold and puts up this false protective wall - every once in a while she slips back into friendly mode, and then realizes this and is y again.

    Last night, I had had some time to think about my life, and our relationship. I told her this, and entered into an extremely honest and brutal talk about my behaviors, and apologized. I also affirme for her that I realized that I had not been meeting some of her specific needs. I explained that if and when she would like to spend some of her time with me, that I would be appreciate this and be honoured. She seemed honestly taken by this all, and I could sense her anger and resentment coming down. She would call me again tonight (Monday).

    I'm scared that she is doing this just to make herself feel better (and less guilty about backing out of things). I'm scared that as soon as I get my together, she will still want out of the relationship.

    I want to win this girl back, but I also need to focus on me. I think I'm going to keep making positive changes, and try woo my babe back slowly but surely. I know I'm going to have ease off, or back off any early attempts to see her though.

    Any tips or similiar experiences appreciated.
    Thanks
    Thatwhiteguy30

  7. #6
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    Jun 2002
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    This is way to familiar!

    I couldn't help but read your story! I just went through something very similar, except that I wanted to get married and have his brother move out of the basement and he decided to have some space cause I was pressuring him about his brother being a lazy ass. Anyway, he decided to see other people, I choose not to. He realized that he wanted me more than ever, took forever (2 months) for psycho (the immature 34 year old) to get the hint he wanted me. One thing I learned was blood is thicker than anything! Brother is still living with him being lazier than ever!! Sorry had to vent for a minute. What helped me through this was knowing my feelings for him. I knew that I was right. You are who you are and if she doesn't love you for you then, you might want to move on. Sorry to say it sucks, I am not considering after being back with him 7 months and no proposal yet from him, and him not doing anything to get his brother out, totally moving back to my apartment. You are doing the right thing, working out, and keeping busy, keep looking for a job to stay on your feet! If I learned on thing, love is wonderful and terrible at the same time. Just keep talking and being honest with her. When she is ready to talk sit down and try to work through things one thing at a time. Worked for me. If she does truly love you and care about you she will come around eventually. Hang in there!


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