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Thread: Move on or wait?

  1. #1
    Member
    Join Date
    Jun 2002
    Location
    Missoula, MT
    Posts
    1

    Move on or wait?

    I was with Bob for over 2 years. It was extremely hard on both us and our boys. We got too involved before we really knew each other. We both we're so surprised and over whelmed by the feelings we had for each other. He was so sure after his sons mother crushed him he would never care about anyone again, and I had really never even had a real serious relationship. So sure that the feelings we had we're destiny we moved in together after just 2 months. Blending a family is hard enough let alone with someone you don't really know. Then add drugs and you have huge problems. But no matter how bad it got and even when he would move out we could never be separated for more then a day. We always would have one excuse or another on what had happened. Well even after the drugs we're gone, we still fought! I always felt he was trying to change me and he felt I was trying to contoll him. He had the habit of saying whatever the person he was talking to wanted to hear. I on the other had am honest to a point of it being almost bad. He was'nt use to having anyone close enough to him to actually listen and was very defensive when I would question his inconsistancy. He would say I was spying on him or accusing him ect... ect... He felt that by me wanting him to be open and honest with me that I was controlling him. I became very bitter and resentfull and this became anger in me. Something that I lost controll of a few times and it was ugly. This would cause him to become quit and distance which would really hurt me and so I would kick him out. A cycle we both want to stop. This time he has moved into the exact place he was living in when I meet him. (Secruity blanket) And to cover up the drug habit and what really was happening between us he has told his friends and his family some awfull lies about me. Well a week later when we are again seeing each other the stories he told are making it impossible to be together. And he will not stand up to his friends or family and admit he has been lying. They have made it very clear that he is not to see me anymore! Now tell me how is his personally life any of their business? And why does he keep telling me he loves me and wants to get counseling, but won't let his family or friends know he is seeing me? That to me is an insult. I know we can not move back in together, but how can we even work on building our relationship if the foundation is not built on truth?
    One week he calls everyday ect... and then the next week he does'nt know what he wants and needs space? I am confused. My head is telling me to just move on and stay away from him. But my heart says you know he loves you, you know you love him. He will eventually be strong enough to quit caring what other people think and do what I honestly feel he wants.
    Working on being a family with me. There is so much more.... but I really dont know what to do.

  2. #2
    Member
    Join Date
    May 1978
    Posts
    379

    Hello

    Hi. I read your post and I just have a few comments if you dont mind. Sometimes, I dont know why, men like to cover up the wrong they are doing by puting us women up as bad people to the close people in their life, friends, family, ect... I dont know the whole story but from what I read, it seems like you need to gie him some time on his own to think about what pain he is causing you. It seems like he sees that you are going to put up with it so he continues to let it happen. I mean it has to hurt you enough to know that he is lying and hurting you the way that he is. The lying and secrets, and hiding what is going on. Why does he need to explain anything to his family anyway? I dont get it.

    I know sometimes when you are blinded by love, you tend to not see the worst. You always think, things will get better. Thatis a good way to think, because in actuality it does, most things anyway. I think if you truly love him, you should tell him to take the time away from you to get things cleared up with his family and friends for YOU since he has made you look so bad. Then I would suggest trying your best to go to counseling with him. While making the decision to go alone, is hard, he shouldnt be there alone unless he wants to. You may want to ask him what he wants to have a feel for what he is going to do. While clearing things up with his family would be for you, the "drug" counseling needs to be his decision. I dont suggest abondoning him. After all, drugs are a problem and makes you someone who you donr know anymore, and dont have control over, but it is a decision he needs to make alone.

    So I hope I shed a little light on this for you. I just thik when you love someone you should not abondon them but it is not fair for you to be out in the dark and being hurt like it seems like he is doing to you now. It seems that you have taken enough from him now as it seems. It is your turn to get what you want. Tell him how you feel and hoepfully together you can make it. Dont let him make you crazy though. That part is so easy when you are in love. Take it from me. I been there and done that. Enough to know, that you deserve better.

    Good Luck

    ~Stacia


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