How do I ask for a divorce?

After nearly 15 years together (I was 18 when we met in college), 9 years of marriage and at least 6 years of making excuses for why I was so unhappy, I'm finally ready to put an end to it. My problem is that, while I know my husband hasn't been happy with me or our marriage, I also know that he'd be perfectly happy to remain miserable as long as it didn't disrupt his routine. We've had many lengthy discussions about our various issues over the years, the last one was a year and a half ago, during which I asked a series of questions like "what about our relationship is good for you?" "What is it about our relationship that keeps you here?" "What is there about me that you actually like?"......things like that. His response? "I don't know. I never really thought about it." So, here I am, having analyzed myself and my marriage into the ground. I have tons of reasons, emotional and rational, for why it needs to end, but I fear that it's going to come as a huge shock to him. I don't even know HOW to bring it up in conversation ("uhhhh thanks for washing the dishes, by the way, I want a divorce"). Do I just say it, wait for him to respond and then give him all of my reasons? Or do I share my analysis and then tell him I want out? I could really use some advice from someone who's been there, and I'd really like to hear a man's perspective on this as well. Thanks in advance for the help!

Hello,

(Begin with the End In Mind)

Share your feelings with your husband but (plz) be mindful of "your approach" to the situation.

I have been married for only four years and I can relate to what you are experiencing . I wish I could help but we stand in the same shoes....Just wanted you to know that you're not alone. I too don't know how to go about telling or should I say "conviencing" my husband that I need out of this marriage. I've analyzed my marriage to it's depts and still I have no answers. Good Luck!

you could try marriage counselling. Tell your husband that it is extremely important for you two to attend some counselling. Emphasize the importance of this to you. Unless of course your mind is made up.

It may serve as an eye opener to him, or an eye opener to you. That is of course if you bot go and he really listens to what your saying. Or an eye opener for you if he refuses, then you know what you need to do.

Im not one who endorses a divorce, i am recently divorced myself, but if it isnt working, and one of the parties isnt willing, then by all means end the relationship.

Even if you dont want counselling, put it out their for his sake. He is still your husband, and it is a fair thing to do. Let him decide how important the marriage is to him. Then you will know u gave him a chance and a choice.

be well,

brando

Are we married to the same man? My husband has the same attitude. We don't talk...about anything, (we don't even really fight) we haven't had sex in 3 years and this all seems to be fine with him. I am always the one who brings up our problems, and of course it is always my "issue". I work F/T we have a 3 1/2 year old daughter and I do everything for me, for her and for him, years of feeling unappreciated and used have left me very bitter and angry. My love for him disappeared a long time ago and now i want to live my own life and be free of him. i don't know how or when to tell him because i know he will be shocked and devestated (although I have told him numerous times before I wanted a divorce but never followed through) Although my daughter is young I am so worried about her and how this would affect her in the short and long term. I guess I am chicken and don't want to be the "bad one". my husband is not a bad person he just wasn't meant to be married, he's very selfish and doen't do anything unless it benefits him in some way. So I know how you feel and I am glad I am not the only one (no offense) who has this problem. I f I come up with a solution I will let you know, and vice versa. Good Luck and be strong!

this thread is over 6 years old

Woopsie, thanks

Notice how it's mainly women that want divorces? Men tend to be more content in marriages than women. 80% of divorces are from women, including my own.

The problem is expectations. Women still want to be treated like they were before they got married and men see marriage as a reason to stop courting. Courting is alot of work for men and we (wrongly) believe once we give the woman what we think she wants (marriage) then that should be enough to make them happy.

Men need to understand that women still need attention and to be "entertained", if you will, even after marriage and women need to find better ways to communicate with men their unhappiness. Women are so concerned with hurting feelings that us men have a hard time taking their problems seriously until it's too late. My wife was like the women here and I just thought the problems would take care of itself. I never thought in a million years should would leave me, much less have an affair. Today I understand what happened but it took alot of reading to see it and my part in all of it.

It's a problem of communications and expectations and it's a trend that is destroying modern day marriages. To me, I don't see many good reasons for women to be married nowadays. They always end up disappointed.

That's my perspective anyway, feel free to corrected me if I'm wrong.

I'd do it like this: "I've been thinking about this for awhile and I'm unhappy. I want us to go to counseling. If you don't want to join me in counseling, I'm going to have to consider the other options. So, do you want to try the counseling or should we see an attorney?"

The direct approach affords no confusion.

I totally agree. My husband wanted me to give his friend a B.J. and I didn't want to...was he surprised when I wanted a divorce? Yes. Was he hurt when I told him to move out after he got back from a week in London in a one bedroom condo with a female co-worker? Yes, totally. Did he like that I put a keystroke recorder on one of the home computers to catch him running personal ads, responding to them, and the emails from the woman in Canada he'd been carrying on with for a year? No, he didn't. Yes, I wanted a divorce. It's all my fault for shaking things up. He would have been perfectly happy going about his business as usual. So, shoot me! I did expect too much. I totally see where you're coming from.

But I got 70% of the house and 60% of everything else, so I guess he felt a little guilty about ruining my life, too.

Um I dont believe Rob meant YOUR reason was trival, Autumn

Very good post and I can also relate to it. I too understand what I did wrong but after it was to late. I wish she communicated it with me before she made such a lasting decision. i don't see many reasons for either to get married these days. Couples need to learn these lessons so that needs don't get neglected before it's too late.

ROb, I don't think "these" women, myself included need to be entertained, I think we need to know that a marriage is like being part of a team, and when one person isn't being a team player nobody wins. I have found that men do not like to talk about there feelings or here about anyone else's including their wives. They don't want to hear or deal with the negative in their relationship so they choose to ignore the problems and pretend everything is hunky dory. Then after years of feeling like SH*% the woman decides she has had enough and wants a different life, that's when the men act like this the first time they heard of it. Well sorry guys but it's takes two to tango!!