Are we having a "normal" amount of sex?

My boyfriend and I have been together for a little over 10 months. We've been living together now for about 3 months, and it's going really well. Except we don't have sex nearly as much as I am used to with previous relationships.

He's very affectionate physically, kisses and strokes me a lot. Very sweet, and we DO have good sex about twice a week. This probably sounds SO lame that I'm complaining...

But I'm used to men wanting sex much more often. I'm usually the one who teasingly complains about not having enough sex, or makes hints at wanting it later on that night, etc. It's strange b/c when we DO have sex, he's really into it and it's great. It's just that it seems a 28 year old man would maybe want it a bit more.

This hasn't really changed since he moved in or anything... in fact it's been this way for most of the relationship.

Of course I take it personally and wonder whether he's getting bored of me already... could it be this, or maybe just he has a lesser libido than most?

Any thoughts? Male perspectives really appreciated.

i'm a 25 year old father of 1, and my wife is 21. but we are going though similiar problems. we were best friends that got hooked up and had a kid, but ever since she got pregnant and we got married there is not much sex in our "sexlife". We used to have sex 2 or 3 times a day every day, but now i'll be lucky to get it once a week, and it is drivin our marriage to the breaking point, we've talked about it time after time and she always seem to change the excuses why it's like that. i'm very affectionate and usually happy go lucky, but it's getting hard to handle. we love eachother alot and we do alot of things together and have very similiar interests, but that "kick" isn't there anymore i won't even touch her in that way, so i won't offend her or push her away since she told me before that she likes to initiate "it" We don't get to spend alot of nights together because she gets off work so late at nite. there's no affairs going on because we have an open relationship and we share everything. but me telling u my problems ain't helping you out, have u tried being bold , like doing

"stuff" in semi- public places or even trying to please him with a very bold and spontaneous act(bj) or tease him a few nites in a row with a little teasing action before bed. me personally i've tried everything from toys to porn to a threesome once but no luck , just hang in there and i hope for the best for us both, lol

js in nc

honestly, i'm a woman of high libido, like you.

i've been with my boyfriend for almost two years and we've lived together for more than one year. in the beginning of our relationship, we had sex everyday, or at least seven times a week. anymore, it seems that it's pulling teeth to get more than a few times a week out of him.

not too long ago, i discovered that porn was in play behind the scenes... that he was masturbating on a DAILY BASIS to pornography and this left me feeling as though i were something for the sidelines.

many people have attributed the slow in our sex life to a normal change for long term relationships, - you know what they say about sex after marriage and we are nearly married.

even still, i am dissatisfied with our sex life and i have been able to discuss it with him, somewhat.

ultimately, it probably takes myself initiating sex when i want it if i'm not getting it.

my love seems manic-depressive when it comes to sex, he'll have spurts of high libido 'balanced' by spurts of a non-existent libido.

however, my feeling is that if there are other signs of sexual interest (such as an obsession with porn or masturbation) then the desire is there, but being misdirected...

if the behavior you are experiencing has maintained stable throughout your relationship, i wouldn't be concerned about his disinterest, but perhaps you need to take responsibility for kindling the fire when you desire.

Everyone is different. If you're not satisfied, tell him and let him know you'll be taking other measures to seek your pleasure. If he wants to be involved, let him, and maybe he'll come around.

My ex and I made love maybe once a week. I wanted her more or less constantly. Turned out the reason was that she was more interested in other girls than in me and just couldn't work up the excitement (despite the fact that she *does* find me sexually stimulating) to do anything more.

I think the amount of sex you and boyfriend are having is perfectly healthy and normal. Not to mention that it really shouldn't be all about sex. Remember to have fun in other ways, too!

I have been in a relationship for almost 2 years and have EXACTLY the same problem. We have talked and talked about it and he says he will try to be more often, but he is always "Tired" etc. I have done so much of the initiation as Mercutio suggested but end up feeling rejected etc when he still denies me. The whole thing has wreaked havoc on my self-esteem etc., but I keep reminding myself, its not me, its something in him that does not want it, or does not feel adequate. Apparently this is a very common problem, and short of initiating or encouraging him to feel better about himself there isnt anything you can do. If you ever find anything, please let ME KNOW too

Hi I am Gopi. I am 28 years old. I can understand your frustration. in your case the "human psyche" is playing into picture, this is my opinion. The reason is, a person remains curious as long as he has to struggle or work harder to get to some thing. In this case, having Sex. So in early days of a relation be it just BF-GF type or marriage, wherein individuals come together for the first time, it is a natural instinct to make an impression or create a domain, other way of seeing it is making a relation. This instinct will drive individuals to put more into it. WIth natural invovlement there would be more contribution to the relation. This relation can be "Sex". Once individual reaches a state of "Loss of interest" or "No challenge" or "easy availability" he/she would loose interest. This plays more in case of Men because, by nature men like to be teased and challenged. So, please dont be disheartened by this set back. Perhaps His work life or life outside is bothering him much. Try to be a supportive partner and try to lure him and make him work for getting it. This way you will keep your man, chasing you and this relation will last longer, sometimes a life time.

Ever seen a happily married couple, in thier late 70s ?? still keeping healthy sexual ties and bound with passion ??

Approach this problem naturally and scientifically.

HTH

Dexthor.

My boyfriend and I have been together for a little over 10 months. We've been living together now for about 3 months, and it's going really well. Except we don't have sex nearly as much as I am used to with previous relationships.

I think the first problem is to try and guage one relationship against another. Doing so never gives you a good answer. Less sex doesn't mean its worse just as more sex doesn't mean its better.

He's very affectionate physically, kisses and strokes me a lot. Very sweet, and we DO have good sex about twice a week. This probably sounds SO lame that I'm complaining...

It doesn't sound lame at all.. have you talked to him about it though? Open communication is the most important thing.

But I'm used to men wanting sex much more often. I'm usually the one who teasingly complains about not having enough sex, or makes hints at wanting it later on that night, etc. It's strange b/c when we DO have sex, he's really into it and it's great. It's just that it seems a 28 year old man would maybe want it a bit more.

Hmmm... so you are judging him (I dont mean it to sound as harsh as it is but that is the crux of it) and what you think he should be like... and because he isn't what you think he should be then he mustn't love you as much? A lot of people do this... if only they would just "ask", half of the problems would never exist in the first place

This hasn't really changed since he moved in or anything... in fact it's been this way for most of the relationship.

So in other words he has been exactly who he is the whole time and you are upset that he isn't like other people you have known or what you "expect" him to be like even though you are not him?

Now that did sound harsh... sorry, but it sounds like he is a wonderful and loving person, who doesn't just want you for sex and who is quite capable of "getting into it" when you do... yet because your last boyfriend may have seen you more as a sex object and had sex more often your current boyfriend mustn't love you as much?!?

[qoute]

Of course I take it personally and wonder whether he's getting bored of me already... could it be this, or maybe just he has a lesser libido than most?

Why do you take it personally "of course"? You make it sound as if this is normal or the "right thing to do". If people judged themselves on the actions of other people (especially when they dont let the other people know what those actions mean) then they will always come out feeling unloved, unwanted.

"lesser libido than most"... Do you actually realise that the average couple have sex 2-3 times a month? (If the statistics are to be believed) and that the length of actual penetrative intercourse lasts 7 minutes in TOTAL? He may just well be "average" while others you have known were exceptional.

Any thoughts? Male perspectives really appreciated.

Well from a purely male perspective you are going through the typical "Does my bum look fat in this?" and any answer he gives leaves him in hot water. He treats you better than most men would treat women (Would you prefer he had sex 10 times a week but NO kissing and cuddling?) but still he mustn't be interested...

One thing I can tell you... is that the FIRST thing that puts a guy off sex is indecisiveness in a woman. People who are overweight or concerned about their appearance never understand this... they think their partners don't want them when in reality it is their attitude which turns their partner off the most.

If you are feeling like he is getting bored, or if you honestly consider him as having a "lesser libido than most" then chances are your attitude is showing through to him and this is turning him off. I understand most people feel like this at some point, and it is a natural human emotional response... but in reality it is totally unfounded, there is no basis of reality or reason or even logic to it and it is your own emotional being that is fighting with itself. Do you only feel the other person is interested in you if they want sex all the time? What would this say about your self-esteem? If someone doesn't want sex with you why does that mean you are less of a person?

I probably haven't approached my reply very well, it does sound quite harsh despite my intentions but in all honesty, if you haven't been open and honest with your boyfriend and talked to him about this then so far it is all in your head... you have made up the problem, made up the reason and already passed sentence without even once asking him if any of it is true

not too long ago, i discovered that porn was in play behind the scenes... that he was masturbating on a DAILY BASIS to pornography and this left me feeling as though i were something for the sidelines.

Women very rarely understand porn for a man. While I am sure there are many cases of obsession, I think at least 80% of those 'claimed' to be obsession truly aren't. I am also sure that there are many cases where the degree to which a man looks at porn correlates to how he feels about his partner, again for the most part this isn't the case.

One thing women will not understand is the difference between men and women... they think that if any sexual gratification is occurring, and it isn't happening with their partner then it MUST reflect badly on the relationship. This simply isn't the case.

Boys and men masturbate when they are not in a relationship, they masturbate when they are, they masturbate the morning after sex and they masturbate sometimes even more sex.... the bottom line is that masturbation and sex with a partner are TOTALLY different.

With a partner it is loving, sharing, caring... where you both want to enjoy and experience the pleasure of being together....

Masturbation is ejaculating.

The moment you start to try and compare levels of masturbation with levels of sexual intimacy with a partner is the moment you will ALWAYS feel as if you are a sideline because you are not comparing apples to oranges.

even still, i am dissatisfied with our sex life and i have been able to discuss it with him, somewhat.

What do you mean "somewhat"? Either you have discussed it with him or you haven't, either you are working towards a solution or your not. It sounds that it wasn't a discussion but instead was probably a lecture and thus you dont feel as if you have really discussed it.

my love seems manic-depressive when it comes to sex, he'll have spurts of high libido 'balanced' by spurts of a non-existent libido.

And a man will masturbate regardless of how he feels... yet he will only have sex with a partner if he is feeling good. The reasons are simple. If he masturbates then he is just getting himself off... if he makes love to his partner and he doesn't feel good in himself then he may feel like he is betraying his partner and just having sex with her... thus men may avoid sex but not avoid masturbation because they can't betray themselves.

however, my feeling is that if there are other signs of sexual interest (such as an obsession with porn or masturbation) then the desire is there, but being misdirected...

And that thinking is what is causing the problem.

Masturbation, or looking at porn is NOT (and I cannot stress this enough)... it is NOT a sign of sexual interest, at least not the same sexual interest as that which we have with a partner. Masturbation usually takes less than 5 minutes for a guy, if he were to spend 5 minutes with his partner then the partner would be incredibly dissatisfied. So if a man wants to simply relieve a "bit" of tension, he takes 5 minutes and relieves it... lovemaking with his partner may take hours, requires all of his attention and all of his love and desire, and if he isn't feeling the love and desire yet he is frustrated (remember that a man is CONSTANTLY producing sperm regardless of the time of day or night) he would always opt to masturbate instead of intitiating sex with his partner.

Most men (at least the good ones) value their partners as more than just a means to "getting off"... and for this reason they will never engage in sexual intimacy with thier partner for the same reasons they would masturbate. They would feel the use of their partner in that way as being very bad, and they care too much about their partners feelings to just jump in, get it over with and get out (which is EXACTLY what they do with masturbation).

Despite what people may think... relationship problems tend to first manifest themselves in less sex... the sex declines not because their partner doesn't love them as much, nor because they are bored... but simply because that level of open and intimate sharing totally contradicts the friction of the relationship and it would feel "false" to try and be sexual when you are not feeling that way.

Masturbation is different altogether. A man could feel the lowest he has ever felt in his life, could be on the verge of tiredness or depression, he could be having the worst or the best time of his life in a relationship and he will still masturbate.

I am 28 and my boyfriend is 30....we have been together for a lil over a year and have lived together for almost a year....we have sex once a month if im lucky......we used to have sex allll the time....then he just quit....when we try now, we are half way through and he is tired and doesn't want to go any further.....he would rather me get on top have an orgasm, then give him oral.....when i bring it up...he says he doesnt know why...and ive suggested a doctor...but he says, he's gotten physicals and they say nothing.....I try to approach this delicately...but now im just thinking he's lazy.....is it wrong to get upset or be demanding......its been over a month and a half since we last had sex....and it isnt even exciting.....im so miserable......and fustrated...please help

thank you

Have either of you ever considered that it may be mental and not physical? If he has been taking physicals and they show everything is fine within his body, there is a good chance that either he has a chemical imbalance, depression or any number of psychological or mental reasons for why he feels the way he does (especially if he says he doesn't know why).

It may be of benefit for either or both of you to see help from a councilor, to see if you can work it out... Sex is usually the first thing to go when people are not feeling good about themselves, or if there is any undue level of stress.

I understand why your "complaining" but believe me. Its normal from what I observe from myself and others. My boyfriend and I currently don't have sex very much at all. You have me beat. Just some guys don't get the urge. Its strange. Plus some guys are lazy. lol. I wish to have it all the time, but with some guys its different just like not all girls are the same with their urges. Yours sounds prefectly fine.

Well, man's highest libido age is from 18 to 25 and the woman's one is after 25 or near that. Did you already talk each other maybe he's havin some problem we never know. anyways I just post to tell you about the libido difference

Jeff l. Spiegel