Can we be friends?

I am struggling right now with a decision. I have been dating a man for a year and our relationship was great. We both have had disappointments in the past with cheating partners. We both understood that trust is one of the most important things in our relationship. We both absolutely trusted the other.

Communication is another part of our relationship that we cherished. We never feared talking about the problems and fears we have been facing and are facing in life.

He is divorced with two teenaged daughters that do not live with him. He is friends with his remarried ex-wife. He has the girls every vacation and communicated with them ever other day. They live out of state.

We have been discussing marriage these past few weeks and I was a little scared and excited at the same time. I was extremely happy and content with our relationship. He is a very loving man that taught me to explore my feelings and not be ashamed of my self doubts, fears, anxieties etc.

He just bought a house and we spent all Summer fixing it up and sharing in the responsibilities of its care. We filled with house with things that mean a lot to each of us. I tried to make it comfortable and easy to live in. The house is not big, but it is a great one.

We planted plants adn flowers, danced in the patio, christened the spa, etc. We were very happy. We rarely fought and we always talked openly about our feelings.

He had gone to counseling after his divorce. His wife cheated on him throughout their marriage and only stopped to have the girls, but continued after they were born.

He has told me that he has forgiven his ex for the pain she has caused him.

Well, that story gets complicated.

This story ends about four weeks ago he and I took a vacation. It was to be a romantic week in a big city he has never visited, filled with dancing, restaurants, sightseeing and friends. We were also going tovisit his girls. They were only a few hours drive away from our city.

I met his ex. It was very hard for me. She is a "big" personality type person. Constantly talking and questioning me. Trying to be "nice" but also being on the border of being pushy. The moment I arrived on the doorstep, she grabbed my hand and told my boyfriend to take their youngest to an after-school event and "you and I cant talk" I didnt want to go with her. She was a stranger and I didnt want to be alone with her in her house. But my boyfriend only mumbled " I dont think she wants to stay here." His ex replied "nonsense, she wants you to have time alone with your daughter doesnt she?" She looked right at me. I didnt know what to do. His daughter stood next to me. He was looking at me. and the Ex was still holding on to my arm.

I walked quietly into her home. She bombarded me with questions and comments, made assumptions about my thoughts. Talked to me about my boyfriends likes and dislikes "he is always been like that..." She talked to me as if she and I shared a secret. It was disgusting to me.

I had never seen nor spoken to this woman before in my life and I feel as if she sucked me into her life.

My boyfriend came back and didnt say anything.

Lets just say that the remaining two days were horrible.

The morning of the day we left the area, we talked about marriage and he held me and said "we are going home, everything will be okay. I love you." He spent the day with his girls at his ex's house, and I went to visit a cousin in the area. We met at the airport for our flight back.

He never said a word. We were tired and drained. I was angry, but about what I wasnt sure. Our flight was delayed and we arrived 3am back home. We were tired and didnt talk.

We went to work the next day. A day later we were talking and he said "I think we need a break" I was stunned. I didnt know what he meant at first. I couldnt believe what I was hearing. I got angry. All the suppressed anger during the trip caught up with me and I spewed it out.

That only reaffirmed his idea of a break. But he said "I would like it if we did not date anyone during this break, I just need time to think."

I gave him time. His girls came for Spring break. i was suppose to go skiing with them,b ut he uninvited me. I was so hurt. I didnt understand. So for the week we did not communicate.

After the girls left, he called that day and asked to see me. he came in and hugged and kissed me and we sat down. "I think it is only fair to you if we broke up." I do not see us in a long term relationship." "I fell out of love with you."

I was devastated. I didnt understand. He said nothing. It has been a week and he has said nothing but "I dont want to talk about it. "

I dont know what to do with myself. All my faith and all my trust in him just ran through my hands like sand. I couldnt hold onto it.

(aside: I do know that his ex had a fight with him the day we left. She told him that she did not like me at all and thought that I was not very friendly.)

His last words to me were," I still care for you, I hope that we can be friends."

I moved my things out of his house back to mine and we have not talked about anything since then.

When I asked on the phone, "did I do something to you that you cannot forgive me for?" his reply was to sigh and say "I am too tired to talk about this right now, I am just not in the mood."

I love him so much, but I know it is not healthy to remain in this situation. "Move on?" "forget it" forgive him? Be friends? Remember, I love him.

Any thoughts would be much appreciated.

Annie:

I have never been divorced but know of couples and how they interact with each other. Sounds like his ex. is just too over powering for him and instead of standing up and fighting for the woman he loves, he has probably been so battered from her that he is not willing to go through it again.

She probably used the kids against him and most fathers will do anything to see their kids.

Write him a letter - he cannot talk to you right now but if you tell him how you feel, he may wake up and realize what he has lost. If he doesn't respond in your favour, at least you did not get married first and had to deal with the ex. for the rest of your life.

If your relationship is worth anything to him, he may respond nicely to a letter. From my experience, men do not give up women, sex and a life of happiness for no reason - I wish you luck!