How do I know if my son is gay?

My son has worked very hard to distance himself from our family the past few years. He is 17 years old has not dated a girl in several months. He is very secretive, has friends that I am not fond of. Recently he has been visitng hardcore sex sites that show gay men having sex. We (father,son & myself) have been seeing a counsleor because of our son's persistent lying, isolation and pot smoking. My husband and I met with the counselor without our son at our last visit. I asked the counselor if his visiting gay websites would indicate that he is gay. The coulselor said that it was very possible and that young men do not usually visit such sites unless there is that attraction. I am not sure what to do. Should we ask him about this? Would that be too intrusive? I love my son and I am worried about him and this is not exactly something I can talk about right now with friends. Please give me your perspectives. Thank you.

so sorry about the problems with your son. the best way to find out if he's gay is to ask him directly. you might want to let him know that you will love him no matter how he answers your question. but it seems that your son has some other issues going on...is he being treated for depression? you might also let your son know that whatever he's going through, you been there also. i think it's important to share with him your own trials and tribulations in negotiating life as a young person...it may let him know that he's no alone in his struggles. it might help to have this talk in a kind of casual manner...not like a BIG DISCUSSION. i hope this helps. peace.

Do the best thing you can do: Talk to your son.

If there is gay-related porn on his computer, he is definitely interested in that aspect of sexuality. Since you have the websites as proof of his interest, you can acknowledge this with him.

He probably values his own safety and health by going online to satisfy his needs instead of running around with every guy he can find. Plus, the internet is a safe-haven for him because noone can hurt him or mock him.

I would approach him by asking him if he has anything he'd like to share with you, and to let him know that no matter what he tells you, you wont be disappointed in him or hate him. At that point, he may actually come out and just tell you the whole truth without you having to ask at all.

Hopefully you would be tolerant of his sexual identity, as he cannot control how he feels. (Trust me, I'm bisexual myself--- not by choice.)

What he will need is your support more than anything. The last thing he'll want is for you to be disappointed in him or even angry. He has a lot on his mind, such as worries about his future, about having children, pleasing his parents, and maybe even accepting himself which may or may not have happened yet.

Just be there for him no matter what. It's what he'll need.

There is no reason you should be ashamed of your son being gay, or even want to change it or anything! If your son is gay, then he's gay! I'm 15, and happily gay.

Expecially if your son has other problems, it is definitely best to be supportive of homosexuality. You need to change your views, and have pride for your son, gay or straight. If you cannot accept and embrace your son for who he is, maybe he is not the one who needs counseling.

The smoking pot and other unhealthy things are almost certainly not helped by your negative attitude toward gays. If you are accepting and have absolutely nothing against homosexuality, your son will probably be more comfortable around home and won't need to turn to smoking or whatever because he is not accepted at home!

To gay pride

Hi,

there is the probability that your son is gay. I am gay myself and my main exposure, as a teen, to other men was gay websites and adult videos(I'm not perverted or anything, it's just my preference that I was acting upon). And as someone said it is very healthy that he is indulging himself in this manner, because he could be going out sleeping with every guy around.

I feel that you should approach him in a loving non abrasive manner. Believe me, I know from experience, he has thought about his sexuality EXTENSIVELY. He has thought about whether or not he will be shunned by society, gay bashed, or ever be able to find true love...

However, you, as his parent, could be the factor in which he develops into a healthy and happy gay man. All he wants is to be accepted and loved by his parents. The rest will fall into place.

And don't worry. Being gay is not a bad thing. It is something that just occurs. Believe me, it is not a choice that we consciously decide. I am gay and I have tried to change it but to no avail.

First of all it's important that your love for your son is unconditional. He needs to be loved and accepted and feel that he can be himself. he needs you love and support. I suggest that you talk to him and make him understand that you'll love him no matter what. We don't choose our sexuality we can only learn to accept it and in time be proud of what we are.

how.. could you tell .. if he visited gay websites..? ^^; just wondering.

and.. er.. yeah.

i agree with the just talking to him thing. it's better than just assuming he's gay when he's not, or to regard him differently if he is. ^^; better to be sure than to assume, you know?

I agree that you should talk to him in a non confrontational way. Tell him that you love him unconditionally and explain that it doesn't matter how difficult the problem might be then you will still help and support him. If he doesn't say anything then give him time to go away and think about it first.

I wonder if he's as wound up as I am at present? I have no idea how I'm going to tell my Father that I'm 42 and am going through my second divorce and have been a lesbian in denial all my life! I've gone by his house three times and have driven straight past! Take it from me, it's hell!

Good luck with talking to him.

My son is the kind, gentle, and responsible person. At 15 years old he declared himself gay. He showed no real tendencies for this for most of his life. My wife and I are religious and my son is still religious, but at the same time he is a kind, gentle, responsible, and religious gay person. It is hard in my selfishness wondering what my grandchildren from him could have been like. But that is my only sadness today. We love him he is a good man and a good citizen who cares deeply about people.

In college I knew a football player on our team. He was open about his being gay with people he felt he could trust. About 1/3 of the team knew including the coach. He was a great field goal kicker and person, so to me the rest didn't matter much. Strangely though I ran into him many years later at an airport during a bussiness travel. He became a professional player and did a lot of carity work. I surprised to find that 15 years later he was married to a woman and had two kids. He said he realized he was experimenting in college, and when he met his future wife he realized he could love and be attracted the opposite sex. He says he's been monogomous since.

There is allways change in life. One never knows or can control another person

Your post was some time ago and hope all is peaceful with you and your son and the others who have responded. I feel all people are met with various trials in their lives. Its really seeing each trial through that offers us a chance to become more humble and a little more pure in how we treat each other.

Being gay is not something that you grow out of.

I have two theories about your college friend...

1.) He was probably bisexual, which means he can be interested in both sexes...

2.) He is probably leading an adulterous lifestyle, but concealing how he truly feels by being married.

I'm not saying, emphatically, that either situation is the case but more than likely it is.

A sexual orientation is not a phase or something that you can grow out of. Most of us here are in our teens and 20's and have tried different things to not be gay...However, we have come to accept ourselves.

Maybe your son is being experimentational...Some people are. But if your son does happen to be gay...

Will you love him any less or keep thinking he is going to change just to please you?

Well visiting a few gay websites can hardly constitute of someone being gay. Maybe he is just curious. Maybe one of his friends is gay and he wants to know what it's all about. A lot of porn sites would falsely direct you to gay porn pages. On top of that, not dating an opposite sex for "a few months" surely doesn't mean he is gay. I haven't been on a date for 7 years and I am not gay... Maybe a loser but not gay.

It's nice that you are looking for his wellfare but I think a bigger problem is his isolation. Maybe he's depressed about something and he needs to be helped.

I think it's something called "intuition"- you just know.

Funny. I thought my recent ex was gay. My intuition was quite strong about it at first. I don't know what led me to believe this- just the way he was? Not sure. If he was, I truly hope that he accepts that path in life, because he would just be denying himself, if he didn't.

A mother's intuition is more powerful than you think. Your son came out of your womb. You probably know him more than he knows himself, especially for his age, where he's most likely still trying to figure himself out.

If I had a son and found out he was gay, I would love and accept him no matter what.

ok here is my advice...talk to him. i am 17 and i am gay and neither of my parents know im gay. but if they asked me i would tell them i was....thats all i want them to do is ask me. i could never tell them its just too weird.

the whole porn thing does indicate that he is interested in gay sex and is quiet possibly gay or bi. but also there might be a virus because the other week ago i had a virus that kept putting porn sites up on the screen. i got rid of it tho lol.

make sure that you tell him that you love him over and over again and make sure that you show him that you care for him and u are there to support him no matter who he is...this is a very difficult time for him as i am experiencing so yea just be there for him and support him and show him that it is alright to be gay...keep me posted on how you go

Sounds like you work hard to create an open and supportive environment (with the family counseling, etc.) It's a complicated issue, that is all probably tied together (his pot smoking, questioning his sexuality, maybe some depression).

One thing you can try to do is to deconstruct everything. The pot smoking is a form of self medication (others use alcohol, or other drugs, or video games, or pornography, or shopping, etc.) So there is likely some underlying cause (possibly his questioning his sexuality?).

Just make sure your son knows that you and your husband will love him unconditionally no matter what, and dont just say it, live it. But also dont confront your son, because everyone comes out on their own timeline. One suggestion is to let him know that even if it turns out that he is gay, that you would still love him unconditionally.

I went through my own phase of distancing (I ended up 3000 miles away for college), and some self destructive behavior (alcohol) before I accepted myself as being gay (something your son may not yet have done, if he is gay)...and it was many years later before I came out to my parents (and many years after that before they accepted it).

Anyways, I ramble a bit, but I would suggest as a parent, you can control the environment in which your son lives (hopefully a tolerant one), but you cannot control when he will come out, if he even chooses to, or if he is even gay or straight.

im no parent but if u suspect this.........sit him down and ask him this

"son are you a homosexual"

keep doin it until you feel u have the right answer.....just cz he visits homosexual websites dosent make him one, unless he when there by accident..........i dont know what to tell you about if he is gay and how do you handle it, cz if i do people will quote my post and blaspheme me for my veiws on homosexuality.....

I have a friend who has 3 sons. The eldest one was married and had 2 little boys. The wife wasn't happy and she left him and the sons for someone else. Later on he realised he was gay and moved away because he couldn't bear the thought of being rejected by his family. He has been gay ever since. His parents accepted him.

The youngest son never went out with girls. He chose to spend a lot of his time with his parents. He'd been asked years before if he was gay and he'd said no. He waited until he was 21 before telling his parents. They were devastated. They began to blame themselves because it'd happened to two sons.

I had already forewarned my friend that I thought he was gay. She said, 'No way! The girls are always hanging around him'. He's a good looking lad that's why they hang around him.

I talked to him one day when he'd first come out to his parents. I didn't know this though! I told him he'd been looking a lot happier for a while and asked him if he'd got himself a girlfriend? He said no and then he said you might as well know I've found a boyfriend and then he asked if I was shocked. I told him I wasn't surprised and had expected that for a long time. I hoped they would be vey happy. I asked him how his parents felt and he said didn't you feel the chilly atmosphere when you walked in? I'd just told them. I knew his Mother had been crying but I couldn't work out what for?

He also said that when he was 15 and at school his eldest brother 'came out'. Some of the guys in his year were giving him grief about it. In the end he had to fight the leader of the gang so they'd leave him alone. I think this had a lot to do with him keeping it a secret.

The next day I called around to see my friend, his mother, and we had a long chat. She said she didn't know where to start so I said I'll do the talking and you tell me if I'm right. I said you were looking forward to having grandchildren again weren't you? Yes! And now you think you're not going to get any? Yes! Although her eldest son has 2 sons they don't bother with their grandparents now they're older. When they were little she brought them up for a while because her youngest son was 9. Her middle son has M.S. and can't have children so she'd been pinning all her hopes on the youngest one. I explained that just because he's gay doesn't mean he won't have any kids. She agreed. She thanked me for talking to her.

She'd helped me a lot when I was in a turmoil and I didn't know if I was bi or a lesbian. I definitely knew I wasn't straight anymore. I'd been married for 12 years when I didn't know who I was and she'd supported me.

You know your son better than any of us. Maybe it would be better for you to talk to him, however, will he react like my friend's young son did to keep the peace?

Why do you want to know if he's gay?

He's the same person you've lived with for years, nothing has changed that way. Please just love him unconditionally that's all I wanted.

My Mother is dead but my Father's still alive. When I told him he said with tears in his eyes, 'It's your life and you do what you want to.' I answered thank you and got out of the room as quickly as possible because I was going to cry.

I don't see him very often usually but recently I stayed with him for 6 weeks whilst my house had builders in it digging up floors, etc. That's the longest time we've ever spent together since I was 22! At first I wasn't looking forward to it and we kept out of each others way, however, as the weeks went by we started to bond. He learned a lot in a short time. He saw I was wearing boxer shorts when my washing was hanging on the line. He didn't know what they were and had to ask. He also saw me wearing shirts and ties. He admitted when it was time for me to leave that he'd enjoyed my company. I told him I had too.

My two younger sisters are having problems accepting me a a lesbian. They don't believe it took me 30 years and 2 marriages to decide to 'come out'.

I knew from being 7 years old that I was different, but kept putting it to the back of my mind and hoping it'd stay there, but it didn't. I tried to be a 'normal' person because I knew I'd cause a 'bombshell'. It now proves I was right!

My youngest sister said I was never like this when I was growing up. I told both my sisters I was, but I hid it from everyone to keep the peace.

I hope your son doesn't have to go through something like this before he's accepted.

Is it ONLY gay sites that he has visited, or an equal number of both? If an equal number of both I'd say he is just bi curiuos...and maybe even bored. If ONLY gay sites, there is a strong chance that he is gay.

Is there anything else that he does that might make you feel this way, or is it only the sties? I just have found myself to be highly intuitive about people and normally could tell someone was gay even if they did not appear to act that way.....does your internal instincts give you any other feelings about this ? Or just the sites?

I think you should talk to him about it in a very loving and non confrontational way. I think the first conversation you don't ask him if he is gay. You just tell him what you found, and that you want him to know that if there is anything he needs to tell you that you love him just the same. Then leave it at that and let him decide if he wants to come back and tell you or not. I know some people say just ask, but I can almost guarantee you that will invoke his defenses and he will say NO with a kneejerk reaction, and then once he has done that he'll feel it even HARDER to not only tell you later that he is gay, but that he also lied to you when he asked.

Being a teen is so darn hard and when a person also has something like this on their minds making them feel even more different it can wreak havoc on their emotions. The lying, drugs and eusive behavior could very well be because this is weighing heavily on his mind. IT could be from a number of things, teens go thru a lot of angst and they feel no one can understand what they are going thru.

In my opinion, confronting your son about it and asking him if he's gay may not be a good idea. The reason why I say this is because last year my mum asked me if I was gay or not on the way home from work once. The reason why she asked was because her and my stepdad had found gay porn on our computer a couple of years before, plus other, small reasons.

She told me she loved me no matter what etc etc and she was crying. I didn't know how to take it, and because I wasn't ready, I denied it....possibly a bad move but I just wasn't ready.

I think that the best thing you can do is make him aware that you will love him no matter what and that you don't mind homosexuality. Do this without being blunt about it. If he is gay, then I think that he will tell you when he's ready.

Just my advice.

I'm hoping they've figured out by now whether the guy is gay or not.

Just because he's interested our curious about gay porn doesn't mean that he's for sure gay. It's possible but not an automatic fact. He could be bisexual. I wouldn't base my opinion solely on the gay websites. So what if he is gay? If he is I hope you guys respond well and don't make him feel like it's something he needs to hide.

I'm hoping they've figured out by now whether the guy is gay or not.

I can't believe I missed that when I posted a month ago. No wonder the OP never answered my question.

I can't believe I missed that when I posted a month ago. No wonder the OP never answered my question.

 

I've done that before too. Sometimes wonder how these old threads get pulled up.

from searching probably