3 years later... commitment and independence are the issue..

I was in a wonderful relationship through college. I met her my sophmore year and we hit it off. We spent a lot of time together, and by middle/end of college we were pretty serious. We never really talked about after college. Then, the end of college came and I took a job near my home. She was very depressed about her prospects and wasn't sure where to go. I helped her out a lot and stood by her. She applied for a year long job in a state park and got in. At this point, she had started to feel young and not really ready for such a strong commitment to someone at her age. Once she got into this job, her confidence skyrocketed. She was thinking a lot more on her own, and doing really well. She is/was happier than i've ever seen her before. Our relationship started to suffer pretty badly. We were very open and still are, and talked about it. This is around November now. She wasn't sure what was going on with her, but just didnt feel as into the relationship, though we were still very much in love. Then we decided to change our status. That was all that really changed. She didn't want to feel tied to anything. Now, its the end of February. I visited her this past weekend and we talked. She had actually made a decision on what to do next summer, and I was sort of hurt by it, because it was something that we had planned on doing together, but she had planned it on her own. She then explained that she knew it would hurt me, but that she needs to be independent right now. She needs to not feel guilty about planning things on her own, and still feels the same way about commitment. I just feel so lost because i was her support through college when she was dealing with some depression issues. Now things are reversed. I'm not depressed, but I'm pretty unhappy. I'm doing well otherwise, with my job, but I always thought of doing things with her and me being ok, not necesarilly us being literally together all the time.

I'm not sure if I fully explained it all, but basically I'm not sure what to do. We are still friends. We talk.. we email.. we visit her and there, but I know that things are different, and will be for a while. I would love some advice or insight if anyone has any. Thank you.

[ This Message was edited by: andromeda on 2002-02-26 19 ]

I'm going through the exact same thing right now, albeit with a few differences. I dated a girl I met in college for three years, moved in with her (do NOT do this unless you are married, especially since she now has commitment problems!), had a very strong relationship--not without its problems, but nothing's perfect--very open, loving, mature; in fact, I'd helped her through a long illness, and, after three years, she was ready for marriage. Then... she auditioned for a play and got a part, shared a few one-time kisses with two fellow actors, and before I knew it, this girl who'd admitted to being my soulmate and never wanted me to leave her was leaving me... for no one. (The dalliances with her co-stars were one-time things)

This is going to be long and slow for you... but the best thing you can do right now is to start hanging around with other solid, dependable friends. She's not ready to commit to you... that's not saying she never will, and six months later, she may come knocking, but you have to start over at that point, acting like you're getting to know each other, but please... take it slow. Look for signs that she might be ready to commit, but also, look for signs that she may not. I wish it weren't the truth, but quite frankly this girl isn't ready for you or anyone else now.

I'm sorry you're going through this now. It's hard to invest three years in someone and they flake on you. Believe me, it hurts. I'm still living with my ex until I find an apartment, and it's hell because the breakup wasn't my decision. Thank God you don't live with her. I'm not over her, but it's easier because I'm forcing myself to be with friends. And that's what you have to do... don't be alone! Bury yourself in work or play. Let her come back if she's going to--don't take all your time up worrying about her. If you want more help or details, respond to this post...

hey thanks for the insight. right now we still get along very well. shes about an hour away from me up in new hampshire. shes having a really good time up there and the people she lives with are great too (she lives with about 18 other people in a state park working with the student conservation corp). i like visiting and she likes when i visit too. im just not sure if i should anymore.. or if i should just space it out more. i've started to try and take down the constant reminders i have of her (pictures, .. the little things from the past 3 years) from my room and car and stuff. i just dont know what else to do right now. any insight would be appreciated. thank you very much