A little much-needed help

The pronlem of topic, of course will be long, since I want to

provide as much information as I can.

My own background information will help. I am a highschool student,

however, judge not such a story without hearing it.

Let's take a trip to my kindergarten days, shall we? My best friend,

Jason, and I met then. He has a cousin, same age as we are, and her name

is Lisa. The three of us were friends for years. I myself live on a

ranch, alone, with my family, and I never had anyone to talk to when I

wasn't in school, so I took to exploring the woods around me, and I

became a "loner" and found myself a creative writer and poet. Through

the years, I noticed my other friends and acquaintances began to start

"going out" quite regularly. They would then be dropped, or refused, and

would move on to the next one in their sites. I watched this behavior,

and labeled those people as 'hunters'. I never 'hunted' for a date, as

they did, and I knew that one day, the right one would show up. I

studied the acts of these 'hunters', and I found that they were in love

with love itself, not the person who was expressing it. Like some

narcotic, it was the "high" of love they were after. It disgusted me.

Roughly three years ago, the three of us, still intact in our own

group, were still doing things. We decided to join the school's band,

and I was pleased to see that Lisa was in my section, and was placed

beside me. We had lots of fun that year, and then I noticed something: I

liked her, more than just a friend. I looked into her eyes one day, and

I saw that the feeling was for me as well. We were just basic

talk-abouts that first year, but the second, we were great friends, and

we hung around each other more than anyone else. We told each other our

secrets, and the days seemed so great. We were separated again last

summer. This was at the climaxing point of our friendship, and I had

told her that I liked her. I waited all summer, sometimes called her,

and waited on one of those instant-messaging things for her. Thus comes

the first day of this year. She wasn't the same towards me, but I kept

up the old traditions. Her friends told me that she had liked me (a

little late, of course) and that she talked quite a bit about me. Now

I'm nearly beating myself senseless for never asking her last year. She

wasn't acting as nice to me at the first part of this year, but she was

still on speaking and laughing terms with me. In October I fell in love

with her. Now, considering me, that's a strong thing. I never knew what

love was, being I gave it to no one. I've never been out, and I feel no

love for my family. I was hardened from experience, fearfull of

becoming a 'hunter' and from the nightmares of my brother's drug-rage

that nearly ruined our family six years ago. I knew that The One Girl

had finally come, and indeed, it was under my nose all this time! We had

been friends for over 10 years, seems that it would come to pass,

eventually. I fell deeply in love with her, and I was really stuck, I

had no experience in this field, and I knew not what to do. I consulted

a message board, and they told me to tell her how I felt. I knew that,

because of an agreement with her family, she would go out with no !

one this year, but telling her would be the right thing, of course. I

decided I would. I bought her a Christmas present a few months in

advance; a ring. With that, I was planning on telling her how I felt,

but the last day of school before the holiday showed, and she did not

come that day. I spent that night writing a long letter, and then I gave

them to her on her porch one morning, with little time before I was

caught by her father. Well, the following nights, she sent me some

e-mails, saying that I was truly her best friend, and "Not to think that

she did not like me, because that is definitely not the case". Then, it

was back to school. I was overjoyed, because I thought she would talk to

me and we would be exuberant once more. I was wrong. She refused to talk

to me, and when she had to, it is now quick and angry. She turns and

runs the other way when she sees me, and tries EXTREMELY hard to stay

away from me. I felt horrible. I was the same person, and I did nothing

wrong. I tried to act the same, but she responded as though I had hurt

her. I tried everything in my power, alas none of my charms had their

ancient appeal. I considered suicide, but the thought of leaving her was

unbearable. Several nights, I cry myself to sleep, and I feel so

depressed nowadays. I just sit in a daze, wondering what I did wrong. I

occasionally snap, and tear off into the night, and have a horrible fit

in the woods, pleading to God for help, and end up sobbing in the dirt.

I am still the same person, but I don't know what I did wrong, though

not a day passes that I wish I didn't do it.

I lured her into a conversation on the instant-messenger one night.

She told me that I make her uncomfortable when I try too hard to be nice

to her, but I can't make reason from that, beings as she's avoided me

for a month, and this was the first time we'd talked since the December

e-mails. She also stated the "too nice" thing was after Christmas, when

she started avoiding me. Since this story does not make since, I have

reason not to believe it. But I have done nothing to make her hate me,

and I really don't know what to make of this.

I steal glances of her all the time, I'm so in love with her. I

have dreams of her, I like to fantasize of spending the rest of my

future with her by my side, and I always, always try to make her happy.

I go that extra mile for her, and I am willing to part with anything I

own, even my life, so she will be safe and happy. I do have her a gift

for Valentine's day, but I'm a bit afraid of what to expect afterwards.

It is an ungodly hurt that comes to see the girl you love ignore you,

and to run from you. I have tried things to make her happy, like the

things you suggest on this site. They didn't work. It was suggested that

I try to act like I'm not interested, but that seems such a queer idea,

because she would

A: Think I didn't like her and hate me more

B: Think I liked someone else, and thereforeeeeeee breaking my oath to love

only her

C: Praise God that I'm finally gone, and never try to have anything to

do with me again

and it just doens't seem normal, I feel bad enough not being able to

see her as much as I used to, to see her less, not to hear her melodious

voice again. I'm absolutly stuck right now. I do not matter, she comes

before anything else. I have two choices now. I can keep trying, but I

fear it is in vain. If she wants me to be around less, then that must

certainly mean she doesn't want me around at all. If that is what it

takes for her to be happy, then I will leave my home, and take to the

road, grant her final wish, and see if life has any more jokes it would

like to play on what small shell of a man it has left behind. You people

must have some idea, and I really don't know what to do, and am in need

of the help of someone who does perhaps know. I contact you for you are

reliable, and trustworthy. And I wish not to expect to hear that, being

a highschool student, that these feelings are new, and to expect them.

We have passed that, though none my age are as sure as they think they

are. Still, the feeling is not new. I am not doing this because I want

to have physical relations with her, I am acting from my heart, I lust

not for her, I wish for love. I love her, and I know I do. Please do

not tell me to forget about her and look for someone else, I have told

you that I do not do that, and that I know, with every piece of

knowledge I own, that I know she is the one. I feel like I am trying to

arrive at a set destination, but the road never ends. I do not want to

turn around and forget hope, I want to start running, and not get lost

again.

Of course, the agreement with her parents is a benefactor to all of

this, but from what I have learned, love is held by no boundry, by no

law, by nothing. The law they placed stands that she will not go out,

but love breaks free, and is not a feeling that someone can stop. They

know it's there, and perhaps they can not persue it, they know it is

there, and can wait. That is why I am still here. From what I've

learned, love will find a way, mayhaps a painful one, or a hidden one,

but love finds it's answer, and will not stop till it has been tied with

that of another.

Your regards and help on the subject would be magnanimously

appreciated, benevolent, in fact. Please help me. I have said, it is

worth anything.

thank you

[ This Message was edited by: kamurj on 2002-01-31 17 ]

Well it is a bind, for one you should always strive to be yourself and not to impress her. When she liked you before you knew, she liked YOU, the you that didn't impress her, the you that was her friend, the you that always spend time with her when she needed it. honesty to one self is important, because it continues allowing both parties to feel comfortable like they did before, but your problem is very scratched but NOT impossible to fix, you say she won't even talk or look at you, then give her a alternative form of communication, notes.

Each note if written properly demostrates that she does mean a lot to you and you are taking your time to write something for her. The note gives her a option, a choice, to decide if she would like to read it or not. If love doesn't work, then apologize and hope for a strong friendship to return.

G'luck to you.