Confused

My ex and I just broke up a week ago. I found out he was with his ex on his birthday. When I went to his house and confronted him that same day, he kept lying and saying he wasn’t with her. Finally after saying I had proof, he then switched his story and lied again. When I asked him why he didn’t tell me he wanted to be with her instead of me he goes “I don’t have feelings for her, I only see her as a friend”. To make a very long story short, when I met him a year and a half ago, he said his ex and him were broke up for a year, didn’t have any bad feelings towards her. We dated for a year before he decided to make it official. The entire time and up until his birthday, he has been great. Very consistent. Calls me a lot. Makes conscious efforts to change things he knows bothered me. Spent a lot of quality time together every week. Met some of his family. Go out on dates. Work out together, etc. Our communication has always been pretty good, sex was always great. Very passionate. Talked about wanting to build with me. You can see where I’m going with this...

Now the first time I saw he was in contact with her I asked him what was going on, he said they were just friends, he was never in love with her, doesn’t have any feelings. I made sure to tell him that if he did then it was totally fine and he could try to work things out with her and we could still be friends. He said no, I’m who he wanted. Now I’m between that time, we were still good. If anything, we were a little more affectionate with each other. Second time I see her name pop up on his phone I almost left. He BEGGED me not to. Started to tear up saying it was nothing and he swears he’s not doing anything. Proceeded to say that she was only asking him about his brother because her brother and his brother are best friends. Pretty big argument that day but he lied so well I believed him. Now fast forward to his birthday. I will say that I had a bad feeling. But I had no proof. Until later on that night when I saw from a friend that she posted a picture her with him. So that night when I confronted him I messaged her and told her I was at his house and there was a huge blow up as she ended up coming over. She had no idea who I was. She didn’t even know I had been to his place a million times. I was shocked at all of this. Since then we talked once and he apologized to me saying that he was torn between the both of us and let things get too far. I explained that the issue wasn’t who he wanted to be with, it was the lack of respect and wasting of my time. He also knew I was previously engaged and cheated on. He talked about his other ex cheating on him and not being able to trust people and I’m sitting here like, well YOU can’t be trusted! Lol

I TOLD him to follow his heart and he lied about wanting to be with her numerous times. I still don’t believe I know the whole story but I’m over it. What I do want to know is If he ever actually had real feelings for me or was he using me. I no longer want him but I am interested in understanding more about the male mind when it comes to these things. I cut all contact with him as well and wished him and her the best of luck. I know now Inwas most likely a rebound but how can you juggle both women like that and be torn??

Any insight would be very much appreciated.

I think its almost impossible to understand a person to the level you are asking. Sure there are vast generalities that you might be able to apply.... But your ex's motivations are his. He might not even fully understand what he did and or why.

I also think its a mistake to think he completely used you and never cared. All relationships are great. Till they're not. You know what I mean? You're processing a lot and it will take some time.

You did the right thing. Stay away from him and focus on yourself.

Guys dont think like women so we cant really figure them out. My guess is you were a rebound. Maybe he thought he could balance two women at the same time, who knows. Be glad it's over and now you can take time for yourself to get over him and then move on.

You’re absolutely right, and that is true, I am not him so how can I ever fully understand what he was doing? Thank you!

...I no longer want him but I am interested in understanding more about the male mind when it comes to these things. I cut all contact with him as well and wished him and her the best of luck. I know now Inwas most likely a rebound but how can you juggle both women like that and be torn??

I honestly don't think this has anything to do with a male psyche versus a female psyche. People who do this are truly selfish individuals. Yes he might have shown you a lot of affection and been there for you when you needed someone, but you have to understand that people are self-interest beings. If it benefits them, they will keep doing it. You were something he like/love having in his life, and so was his other lady friend. You asked why and I can tell you it doesn't matter...tomato tamato. Plain and simple, you dated a selfish cheater and liar who lied to your face for a year and a half.

Count your blessings that you found out and you are now moving on to the next chapter without a conman in your life.

Sorry to hear that. You did the right thing ending it. Unfortunately he was cheating the entire time.

Not all men cheat and lie. Looking back, what other red flags 🚩 did you notice?

Sorry but I think you are sugar coating what actually happened in that first year.

“ We dated for a year before he decided to make it official.”

The operative word in that statement is “HE”

When did you decide that it was up to him to decide on you being “official” ???

What in your mind does official even mean?

Exclusive???

So basically for a year you were ok with him dating others? And vice versa?

When you first found out he was in contact with his ex , you basically told him that it’s ok and that he can pursue her and you will be there for him regardless. Why?

At that point in time you lied to him and he knew it , so he lied back.

Basically you gave yourself up as an option. Again why?

When you found out a second time that he was in contact with her , you renaged. The first time when you told him to go be with her if he wants and you would be there as a friend , ultimately came out as the lie it was and revealing the test it actually was.

What eventuated and the duration of it was not all on him.

You had a big part to play in it.

Why were you ok with not exclusively dating him for one year?

Why did you allow the decision to become official his?

Why didn’t you make that decision when you wanted it?

Why did you not set boundaries?

Why give yourself as an option?

Why not remove yourself from the situation?

Setting boundaries is different to being controlling?

You ignored major red flags. You can’t hold him accountable for that.

Your time with him had an expiry date. That’s obvious.

But it’s still up to you to recognise that.

Sorry to hear that. You did the right thing ending it. Unfortunately he was cheating the entire time.

 

Not all men cheat and lie. Looking back, what other red flags 🚩 did you notice?

Let’s see... well, I did notice that he would often repeat the fact that he has major trust issues and when he would drink sometimes he would bring up an ex before her that cheated on him and broke his heart. I too have been cheated on previously and did not talk about it as often so it was strange to me. He also would take his phone with him to the bathroom pretty often.

Yikes. You dodged a bullet. Cheaters often portray themselves as the victim.

These are good insights to have.

People who talk about exes too much, people with a victim mentality and people who prefer be nebulous relationships are too be avoided.

Sorry but I think you are sugar coating what actually happened in that first year.

 

“ We dated for a year before he decided to make it official.”

 

The operative word in that statement is “HE”

 

When did you decide that it was up to him to decide on you being “official” ???

What in your mind does official even mean?

Exclusive???

So basically for a year you were ok with him dating others? And vice versa?

 

When you first found out he was in contact with his ex , you basically told him that it’s ok and that he can pursue her and you will be there for him regardless. Why?

At that point in time you lied to him and he knew it , so he lied back.

Basically you gave yourself up as an option. Again why?

 

When you found out a second time that he was in contact with her , you renaged. The first time when you told him to go be with her if he wants and you would be there as a friend , ultimately came out as the lie it was and revealing the test it actually was.

 

What eventuated and the duration of it was not all on him.

You had a big part to play in it.

 

Why were you ok with not exclusively dating him for one year?

Why did you allow the decision to become official his?

Why didn’t you make that decision when you wanted it?

 

Why did you not set boundaries?

Why give yourself as an option?

Why not remove yourself from the situation?

 

Setting boundaries is different to being controlling?

 

You ignored major red flags. You can’t hold him accountable for that.

 

Your time with him had an expiry date. That’s obvious.

 

But it’s still up to you to recognise that.

I see where you are coming from. I guess I should’ve had better standards/boundaries. I will honestly say that I was very scared of being in another commited relationship after my ex fiancé so I wasn’t pushing the exclusive word at all. I was just enjoying our experience together. When he decided he wanted to be exclusive we talked about what that meant and it sounded like we were on the same page. I agreed because I wasn’t seeing anyone else at that time and didn’t want to. I felt ready. I honestly wasn’t lying about being ok with him being with her if that’s what he wanted. I just didn’t want to waste my time or his. Why be with someone when they have feelings for someone else? Yeah I had strong feelings for him but it wasn’t to the point where I felt I couldn’t live without him. But, I can again see where I went wrong. At the end I was able to see that he lied ALOT. About really small things as well. I guess it was a big learning lesson for me to set boundaries and be much more realistic. I don’t think he’s a bad person, I just felt that the lies were pretty outrageous. I let myself think I was being dramatic when I saw that she was texting him and felt weird about it. So I let it go thinking it was what he said it was. Nothing. My ex has done the same but I didn’t respond nor did I have anything to do with him. I’m still learning so will take what you said into consideration for sure, you make valid points.

If you are broken up - count your blessings on that and don't contact him anymore.

Some people really are so "good" at compartmentalizing and manipulating that they're quite capable of leading double lives.

You won't be able to comprehend it if you're not poorly-wired the same way he is.