Lingering feelings

My ex and I had just broken up 4 weeks ago.

 

This is not the only time i have mentioned to break up. But this is pretty much like the final so im still trying to get over it.

 

We have been good friends for the past 6 years since [emoji310] time.

I i was the one who confessed and suggested dating. It took him close to 3 months to gave me a Yes.

 

Right at the beginning when i knew him, he wasnt one to share his emotions or personal matter; family etc.

 

After we were in the relationship, somehow i got greedy and expected more..

 

Its been almost a year since we were together, and never had he once initiated any physical interactions - not even my holding hands. I was always the one holding his.. I did asked him once but he brushed it off as its not something hes used to doing.

 

For the entire year the activities we had been doing is hanging out, eating, movie etc. I did suggested to go for other outdoor activities but he didnt like most of them. when asked for his opinion, he said that theres nothing much to do in our area.

And we had only one couple picture so far- taken during his birthday. Everytime when i suggested to take pics, he would responded with a "next time"..

 

I dont feel that i am connected with him emotionally too. Apart from daily happenings and teasing each other, we havent really had deep conversations before.

 

He was never the lovey dovey type to begin with, no romantic words or actions but sarcasm and teases. I had knew him to be like this all along. Yet at times i wish he could be a little normal or sweet to me.

 

While he has never send me home or to my train station since we leave in different directions and he has no car. When asked to do a face time or phone call, he rejected too - said hes not used doing that.

 

So all along he has never asked me over to his house - dont know why. But i did hinted to him that i will like to pop by to see his dogs - no response.

 

These were all the insecurities and uncertainties im getting from this relationship. We are in our early thirties and i expected a more matured and fulfilling relationship..

 

Looking back, i did brought up breakups a couple of times in spite of anger or sudden meltdown. Each time he did probe further but not this time. Through text, i told him i am bored of this relationship and he replied with "i dont give a damn, good riddance". Anger got the better of us but i am disappointed and hurt by his response.

 

The next day i responded with the red flags i felt in this r/s and he said to remain as friends.

 

I too feel that its better to stay friends with him since he doesnt seem to reciprocate my feelings..

 

 

P. S: im meeting him next week for our good friends birthday.

Do you think i should find time to talk to him privately on our breakup? To unload my feelings of our, relationship to him or would that be redundant since we have broken up...

 

Just finding a space in this forum to relieve my heartbreak and sort out my thoughts.

 

Appreciate your encouragement and opinion while i tide through this period.. :)

Sorry to hear that. Are you sure you are dating?

 

You have never been to his home? Is he married, living with parents or a GF?

 

It's time to reconsider what you want and consider a romantic relationship.

Sad to admit but, it seemed this was a relationship in name only.

 

He came from a single family(no info about mom), had not been in a relationship before (own deduction, he didnt admit). He's pretty much an emotionally guarded person

It's sadly quite obvious that this man was just not that into you, OP.

 

He was slow to warm up to the idea of dating you, and he's kept you at a significant distance ever since. He didn't want to become closer to you. (Never even having been to his house is a huge red flag, by the way)

 

I thus don't think there's any point talking about the break-up. He's not going to offer you the sort of relationship you seek. He can't manufacture feelings that just don't exist for him. Staying friends is also not a good idea, as it is going to hurt you terribly when he does eventually meet and date someone else. You won't want to be on the sidelines, watching him have the relationship you wanted with a different woman.

Sorry but I think you misunderstand each other?

 

Is he autistic? Perhaps?

It's sadly quite obvious that this man was just not that into you, OP.

 

He was slow to warm up to the idea of dating you, and he's kept you at a significant distance ever since. He didn't want to become closer to you. (Never even having been to his house is a huge red flag, by the way)

 

I thus don't think there's any point talking about the break-up. He's not going to offer you the sort of relationship you seek. He can't manufacture feelings that just don't exist for him. Staying friends is also not a good idea, as it is going to hurt you terribly when he does eventually meet and date someone else. You won't want to be on the sidelines, watching him have the relationship you wanted with a different woman.

It did crossed my mind this could be the issue, and if indeed im disappointed by the fact that he could have told me sooner yet he kept mum till i finally gave up.

Sorry but I think you misunderstand each other?

 

Is he autistic? Perhaps?

Nope Billie hes not

It did crossed my mind this could be the issue, and if indeed im disappointed by the fact that he could have told me sooner yet he kept mum till i finally gave up.

 

He could and should have.

 

But that's why it's important to see ourselves out when something isn't making us happy, too.

He could and should have.

 

But that's why it's important to see ourselves out when something isn't making us happy, too.

Thanks Canuck; very true, i feel i deserve a more fulfilling relationship than this.

 

Im glad i made the move to put a stop and hopefully meet someone better in the future.

 

Thanks again for all the support and advice!

At this point, you can only learn from your mistakes. When you're not getting an equal effort from a partner, and you're regularly upset in the relationship, it means it's not the right one for you. You should've gauged that during the first few months. Instead, you kept trying to hammer a square peg into a round hole. That's never happening. Usually, there's a lot of catch and releases when dating. Learn to be comfortable with that in dating. Otherwise, it'll take you 10 times longer to find the right guy, when you hang on too long to a wrong one.

 

Of course you can be friendly if encountering him amongst your friend group, but now that you've crossed the boundary of dating him, you shouldn't go back to hanging out and communicating like friends do. A future partner will walk away when he finds out you're still in contact with an ex. Take care.

He is not into you the way you were into him. He sounds like he's got issues and not things that you can help him resolve. It sounds like it's "over" even tho it never really got started. He isn't giving you what you want, so you really need to let it go and move on.

No, don't speak with him about the falling out. Write it all down somewhere if you need to to clear your mind. The effect you want is clarity of yourself, not a non-response from an unresponsive person with a track history of not responding. Don't do that anymore or keep repeating the same patterns.

 

Find clarity in your own way. This means growing new ways of processing, thinking, reflecting. It's a solo project from now onwards while you recover or heal after the break up. I'd look over why he seemed attractive to start and whether you appear drawn to men who are withdrawn or lack emotional maturity.

 

Also a friend is not someone who disrespects you by agreeing to be in a relationship with you and being about as full on as a square of drywall. This person isn't a friend. A friend would at least care about you as a person.

 

Hope you find peace.

So if you did try and talk to him what do you think would happen?

 

You would expect some sort of answers and closure but you know he is incapable of that.

 

Why even try when you know you will be disappointed.

 

Everyone wants the pain and hurt to go away but that isn't going to happen from anything he says. The closure you seek will come from you accepting he wasn't the guy for you from the start.

 

Did you hang in there way to long? Yes you did and I know you see that now but you were hopeful he would change. This is your first lesson in dating. Hoping someone will change is a mistake.

 

Look back at the whole relationship and glean lessons from it so when you meet someone new you will be able to see things more clearly.

 

If you see him at a mutual friends place just be cordial nothing more.

 

Lost

Thanks everyone for the enlightment.

 

While a part of me still hope we could get back together, i know this is not going anywhere because thats the way he is.

 

Though hurtful now, i believe i will get over this someday.

What you wanted isn’t greedy, that’s basic, fundamental, necessary for a romantic emotional connection.

 

I’m glad you ended it, you dated, you learned you want fundamentally different things out of a relationship, you split. Never easy but this is the right way of things. When you learn you don’t fit together you end it. You are mighty for doing so.

 

And nope nope, don’t tell him another thing about you. Writing a letter you never send (and maybe burn instead) would be a very good idea though

Thanks everyone for the enlightment.

 

While a part of me still hope we could get back together, i know this is not going anywhere because thats the way he is.

 

Though hurtful now, i believe i will get over this someday.

 

It does hurt but you did the right thing. It is totally normal and human to have the bit of hope but you know it just wasn't right. It isn't easy ending a relationship but you will be just fine a lot sooner than you think as long as you accept the reality that he simply is not the guy for you.

 

Don't try and heal on your own. Talk to friends and family about anything but him and you will see your life feels a lot less stressful now that he is out of it.

 

Best wishes

Lost

Next time, do not put up with a dud of a BF. You have missed opportunity to meet someone who really does fulfills your expectations. This why we go out on dates in the beginning.....to see if there is connection, not just attraction, that they participate in your life, as you do theirs, they treat you the way you expect to be treated. Not sure why you waited a year to figure it out. Tip: first impressions count. Don't expect things to ever improve or get better. You tell yourself you deserve better and kick them to the curb. Staying friends? I suggest you keep him as an acquaintance.

You need to leave him alone. Sounds like he doesn’t care about you or maybe even trying to use you for something that’s what people do