Is our relationship toxic?

TW: Self Harm

So I've (22F) been dating this guy (23M) for 5 months now. The first 4 months were absolutely perfect, and though we definitely had some difference in perspective/upbringing we always still had great conversation and time together. That is until a few months ago, both him and I feel very strongly about our political beliefs, and on one particular night we got into a bit of a political argument. For the most part I'm okay with political differences, but not when it comes to what I believe are basic human rights. We were discussing immigration and the occurrence of forced sterilization of these women, when he said something to the effect of, "If people are going to cross the border illegally into the US then they should be prepared for that kind of risk". To me, the idea of justifying the forced sterilization on anyone is repulsive. I could barely look at him, and ended up telling me to leave my apartment (and this was at around 3-4am). I know I shouldn't have just kicked him out but at the time it was the decision I made. We talked it through, and I apologized for my reaction, and it didn't take long for everything to seem okay again.

On the night of Halloween, we were supposed to hang out, and he had texted around 5pm saying he was going to take a quick nap because he had a busy day and then he'd let me know the plans (he wanted to take me to a Haunted House that was closer to his area). I said that was fine and I would look into different stuff to do as well, but around 9pm I still hadn't heard from him. I know he had seen the message (this was over snap) around 7pm but he had never responded. At this point, I got frustrated and told him that I was going to go ahead and just go hang out with some friends, and that we could hang out tomorrow after he gets some rest. Two minutes later he calls me apologizing, but at this point I had already said yes to the plans. Later on in the night he had sent a text apologizing, and I responded telling him to not beat himself up over it, I had just felt hurt in the moment.

We don't talk for the rest of the night, but the next morning I got texts from my friend (Jennifer) implying that my boyfriend and her boyfriend (John) had gone to a strip club on Halloween night. That night she had gotten into a fight with both of them because they didn't want her to tell me what they were doing as they knew I would not be okay with it. I called him soon after, and ask him what he ended up doing for Halloween, to which he says he hung out with John at his apartment. I tell him what my friend told me, and ask if it was true. He says no, and that he only picked John up from a club. At this point it's her word against his so I don't really know what to think. I ask him if we can hang out and talk about it in person since I assume he wouldn't lie about it in person. When we talk in person, he tells his side of the story, still claiming that he never went in. At this point, I told him that I trust him and believe him since I've never had a reason to doubt him. We hang out that day, and he ends up spending the night. The next morning Jennifer texts me a much longer and extended account of what happened on Halloween, at which point things don't really add up to my boyfriend's story. After confronting him about it, eventually, my boyfriend admits that he did in fact go to a strip club. I was absolutely devastated, more about the lying than anything else. I started drinking a lot, and stupidly cut myself on the wrist because I thought it would help deal with the sadness (ty and stupid, I know). My boyfriend walked in on me on the bathroom floor and helped me bandage my wrist and drove me to get some medical supplies. For the next week after that things were weird, and we were in a weird stage of breaking up/being on a break/trying to make it work. I had told him that I had lost all trust in him and would need time to build it back up, and I gave him clear ground rules of what is a deal-breaker for me going forward. He agreed, and since then has cut contact with a lot of his friends (including John) that have historically gotten him into ty situations. Of course, ultimately my boyfriend is still responsible for his actions, but it showed me that he was willing to make steps going forward.

More recently, my friend Jennifer and I had a bit of a falling out, and in anger she told me about some sexual stuff my boyfriend might have done with this girl in his social group in high school. On the surface, I wouldn't really care, since it's forever ago and doesn't really matter. But what irked me is that several months back my boyfriend had told me about this girl and had said that although they had kissed/made-out, they never did anything sexual. It wasn't so much the sexual part, but the idea that my boyfriend had lied to me (again) about something so stupid as that.

I called him and asked. I wasn't expecting it to be a full-blown thing, I was just going to ask and take his word for it, and going into it I was extra-careful to not come across as accusatory. Instead of answering the question he just got really angry that it was even brought up. I tried to explain to him that I didn't care about the sexual part but just about if he was lying, ESPECIALLY given our history. He maintained that they didn't do anything sexual, but what just hurt me more was the way he reacted was just hurtful. I sent him an apology text, and just said what irked me was how he responded to my question moreso than the answer. We didn't talk until the next night when he eventually seems to have calmed down and said that he was okay and it's not that big of an issue. At the time I just apologized for the way I handled asking about it, but I still feel like his reaction was a bit out of line and hasn't really been resolved. Maybe my question was none of my business, but I still feel like his reaction was excessive, unless there's something I'm missing? Any help on that matter would be appreciated.

My boyfriend and I have both made mistakes in our relationship, and we are both each other's first relationship so there's a lot of figuring things out that are involved. My question is, does this relationship even make sense? Are there too many problems to make it work? We both still care for each other, and even when we broke up following Halloween we both still cared for each other and wanted to see the other person grow. I still do now. I feel like we never recovered from Halloween, but then again, it's only been a month since. But how much fighting is too much?

TLDR: I kicked him out of my apartment at 3 am because he said he said that the forced sterilization of some illegal immigrants was justified. I made other plans for Halloween when he didn't respond to our plans for the evening until 4 hours later at 9 pm. Later that night he went to a strip club and lied about it over the phone and in-person for an entire day. He got overly angry when I asked about his history with this one girl, who he had told me once before that he had never done anything sexual. I was more concerned about the lying, but his reaction felt over the top.

All this drama after only 5 months...I wouldn't be into it.

Also, please look into therapy to address your cutting. As you know, that is not at all a healthy thing to do no matter how stressful or upsetting things get.

 

 

My boyfriend and I have both made mistakes in our relationship, and we are both each other's first relationship so there's a lot of figuring things out that are involved. My question is, does this relationship even make sense? Are there too many problems to make it work? We both still care for each other, and even when we broke up following Halloween we both still cared for each other and wanted to see the other person grow. I still do now. I feel like we never recovered from Halloween, but then again, it's only been a month since. But how much fighting is too much?

^^ this much is too much.

Not only are you fighting too much, the context of the issues you fight about are toxic and immature.

You two bring out the worst in each other.

You'd be best served by ending this and spending some time on your own and develop some self awareness and mature boundaries.

You will have the opportunity to date again under different circumstances and experience what a healthy relationship looks and feels like.

This isn't it.

Curious. . whenever someone starts with TW's and end with TDLR's it suggests you've been elsewhere previously posting the same scenario? Just curious what other feedback you got before coming here.

I am going to guess the answers you'll get will all be similar no matter what, so why go elsewhere unless it's to find a different answer?

Thank you to all the responses so far, they have been helpful.

Also, please look into therapy to address your cutting. As you know, that is not at all a healthy thing to do no matter how stressful or upsetting things get.

My boyfriend was the one that finally talked me into seeing a therapist, I've toyed with the idea for years but could never bring myself too, I have gone to a few sessions as of now. I suppose it's too soon to know if the therapy is helping, but I absolutely realize that my actions didn't make the situation better for either of us. Thank you.

You two bring out the worst in each other.

The weird thing is that as of now, probably the only two good influences in his life are one of his good friends and me. The rest of the people have all done some horrible things, and are not vocationally motivated, and he's more recently realized that a lot of his 'friends' aren't looking out for him and has finally dropped a lot of them. He's motivated to do something with his life, and has told me that I do help him stay motivated to do what he needs to. I know based on what he's told me he's definitely done some crazy stuff when he was younger (mostly pertaining to drugs), but since we started dating he's been staying away from that kind of stuff. But whether or not we're both mature enough to handle this relationship is definitely debatable, I see that now. I think the past 1.5 months have been the worst of it honestly.

Also to address your earlier point, I actually frequent Reddit quite a bit, as does my boyfriend so I didn't want to post there just in case. I haven't posted anywhere else, I'm not here to try to get the answer I want to hear. I've talked about isolated incidents with people, but probably the only person that knows the entire story is Jennifer and her relationship makes mine look like a perfect fairytale romance so I don't give her advice a lot of weight :/

If hes making better choices, that's on him.

True change comes from within. He doesn't need you to motivate him.

My answer remains the same.

You are young and it would be a shame if you didn't have the opportunity to experience what a healthy relationship looks like.

All this drama after only 5 months...I wouldn't be into it.

 

Also, please look into therapy to address your cutting. As you know, that is not at all a healthy thing to do no matter how stressful or upsetting things get.

I agree with all of this.

OP, how many times does this guy have to lie to you? He is not trustworthy. This is not a healthy relationship.

Please seek therapy for the cutting.

Sorry to hear that. The short answer is yes it's toxic. This is an inordinate amount of drama for 20 weeks of dating.

The number one person to take care of in this scenario is yourself. Talk to trusted adults and your therapist about the self harm .

You and this guy were like oil and water from the start.

This relationship is already off in the ditch.

It is unlikely to work out well, and you would be best to focus on looking after yourself. This isn't what a sustainable relationship looks like and it's affecting your mental health far too much.

Respectfully part ways and be done. Seek out a compassionate and qualified therapist who can help equip you with the tools to better manage pain and anger.

Everyone is too immature all around and sorry that includes you...all this back stabbing, jealousy over something that happened before the relationship, him lying, your friend stirring up trouble, etc. This is one hot bad mess.

You need to stay away from your friend, she's a tattle tail. Your exBF is selfish liar, and yes I hope you get yourself into therapy. No one should resort to harming themselves to cope/get attention, etc. Self worth come from within, not from a BF. Your deserve a break, go talk to your mom, or a close older adult family member.

Someone who lies about his whereabouts probably isn't someone you want around you, OP. That's the harsh truth. Why on earth would someone so close to you lie about something so mundane and trivial, puny really.

So what if he was at a strip club - would it have changed your relationship? Do you trust him? And if he is the kind of guy who likes strip clubs, that's just who he is. There's no point trying to change someone into something he's not. There are men who find it to be a bore or uninteresting or wouldn't care about it. The kind of person who lies about something so small, probably doesn't feel so great about himself overall, is afraid, feels low or doesn't have great self-worth in the first place or is quite certain that you're not the girlfriend for him either. You're not alone in the rottenness of deception. There was a give and take there and I guarantee you, your boyfriend doesn't like the person he is either.

You're trying to fit a square peg in a round hole and it's no good. Both of you need to mature a little more. This probably isn't what you want to hear but you'll know it when you look back and see where you once were.

The plus side is that both of you have the rest of your life before you, to grow up and grow into yourselves and answer to yourselves, not each other, about the kind of people you want to be.

Don't resort to self-harm anymore. Try looking at other outlets for frustration and pain. Value you and take care of yourself. Don't let anyone come between you and that.

How old are you guys? I understand it's your first relationship and I know I made a lot of mistakes in my first two relationships as well (in my late teens). However, just because it's the first relationship you got into, doesn't actually mean it's going to last. You'd only been together for four months when pretty bad issues started. Regarding what your boyfriend had done sexually with other people before you. To be honest it's none of your business and he did nothing wrong by doing anything with that girl. So I can see how you grilling him about it would actually annoy him. He doesn't have to explain to you what he did with other people before you were actually dating.

In terms of the strippers thing though, I think that the fact that he lied is what makes it really bad. He kept lying many times until he finally admitted it. You're right that if he's going to adamantly lie, how can you actually trust him? I think early in the relationship you also need to find out what your guys' values and boundaries are. If the values are too different then it's not actually going to work. If you don't want him to go to the strippers and he thinks it's OK to go, then you don't match on your beliefs.

For example, I'm a bisexual woman and I don't actually mind if my boyfriend went to the strippers because I want to go myself too. That's just my own opinion though, I'm not by any means saying you should feel the same. All I'm saying is it's very important in a relationship to have the same values. If I was dating a guy and he wants to go to the strippers, I don't mind if he goes. Whereas another might woman wouldn't want him to go, so it wouldn't work out. These opinions have to be on the same page.

I'm not judging you for self harming. I work with people with disabilities and mental health issues and have worked with people who self harmed. It's understandable though that seeing your partner self harm would be distressing and confronting. Especially because your relationship is fairly new, so it's a shock early on. So it is actually understandable that your boyfriend may feel put off by it. Especially if he doesn't have much experience of self harm or mental health. I'm really glad to hear you're getting therapy. Please continue to get help and look after yourself.

The first 6 months people are their best behavior. This IS your honeymoon period.

If this is at its best, I shudder to think what this would look like a year from now.

If a relationship stops bringing joy, and instead consistently makes you feel sad, angry, anxious or “resigned, like you've sold out,” it may be toxic, Glass says. You may also find yourself envious of happy couples. Fuller says negative shifts in your mental health, personality or self-esteem are all red flags, too

TW: Self Harm

No need to read past this ^^^. Yes, it's toxic.