What to do? Is she better off without me?

I'm after some advice, but guess I need to tell my story first. Thank you for anyone who makes it to the end.

My ex and I met each other travelling around New Zealand, she's from Germany, I'm from the UK. It was such a magical time, this incredibly kind and special person falling in love with me, as we were both falling in love with our surroundings. I've never met someone so honest and pure, she cannot not lie and see's things so positively. She changed my whole perspective on the world, from eating chicken hearts because it was the cheapest meat at the supermarket, to going vegan over night. I changed her perspective on the world too, on what's important, to not listen to other people's instructions on life, but to do what you love and what you want to do so you have no regrets, hence why she stayed in New Zealand instead of going home 4 weeks after we met to study as her family expected/wanted, then to get a job, house etc. etc. We grew so much together for the year and half we were together, eventually going to Australia for 7 weeks before Covid ruined everything. We ended up flying back to my family home in the UK (on extremely over-priced plane tickets I'm still trying to pay back) to tide ourselves over until Covid disappeared so we could continue travelling.. obviously this didn't happen. Instead she went back to Germany for a while, then came back to the UK to visit, I then visited her for a few weeks too. But when I returned, she broke up with me.

This wasn't completely unexpected though..

Sometimes it felt like we were on complete different pages, no matter how similar our morals or ways of life were. It was sometimes down to communication, which I blamed on the language barrier, but I don't think this is 100% true. She speaks incredible English, but naturally sometimes things translate differently so we can get our wires crossed. Neither of us are angry, selfish or unfair people, we had an incredibly deep relationship, we always said nobody else understood us the way we understood each other. She was my best friend. We broke up in Australia at the beginning of the year, about a year into our relationship, it was mutual but the most painful experience I've ever gone through. After the break up she went to meet up with her best friend who came over from Germany a few weeks prior. I felt abandoned, alone, I stayed in an outhouse for four days not eating a thing that whole time. I cried uncontrollably every 10/15 minutes for four days, the only thing that could stop was looking deep into my eyes in the mirror (I feel like it connects you to a human that way). I had many anxiety attacks which I had never experienced or ever thought I'd get as I always considered myself quite a mentally strong person. I've never properly over a breakup before. I used a forum similar to this but more about preventing suicide which didn't help too much, I was in pieces. Everything I looked at reminded me of her, we'd been through so much together and I didn't know where to turn. Speaking to family eventually on day 4 got me to eat, breathe and understand what I had to do. I had to fly to another part of Australia and start again. I told my ex that I needed my external hardrive she had before I could leave. She then had an emotional meltdown as she didn't think I'd actually leave, she thought we would eventually get back together she just wanted some time apart. She was truly hurt and her friend told me privately that she is totally in love with me and wants to get back together, but after everything I went through I was so confused. But of course, I was in love with this girl, so we got back together and things were back to normal soon enough.

When I was visiting her in Germany after we came back to Europe we connected deeply on many topics, childhood, friend circles, understanding culture, exploring childhood towns, meeting family, it was great. But at the same time we had a couple of really bad times emotionally, nearly breaking up. We never shouted, it's more pain & feeling hurt. At the end of the trip to Germany, I felt like although we had some bad times, I felt a lot closer to her as I understood her motives and reasons behind some things I used to blame on other things. Unfortunately, she waited for a good time when I got back to the UK, and then called me to let me know we could no longer be together. She wanted me to get therapy, and to find myself again. She had recently started to go to therapy too, not just because of us, but other childhood things too. Of course, I was hurt, and memories of the four days in Australia came back, I reached those extreme points many times, but was in the comfort of my home and could meet friends so did not need any forums. She was also distraught, but she had a goal, and it was to find herself again, which I respected.

After this, we decided a no contact rule to help us move on, which definitely helps! But of course, things happen, a show comes on, a bird sings, a song plays, a memory pops up, a phrase is said, an empty bed, the broken dreams we had together... etc etc. Over the next few weeks we both had weak points where we needed each other's voice to calm ourselves down. This really was a messy ending, because we wanted our relationship to work more than anything, it just wasn't. Eventually some weeks past, and I felt a lot more alive than before, I felt like I could see the light at the end of the tunnel. But then she contacted me again, but this time I told her that contacting isn't helping either of us. She told me she loved me, she told me she hears my voice, smells me, wants me etc. This is the girl that I still wanted grow old with, that I loved dearly, but I really tried listening to my head instead of my heart and did not say anything like that back to her, I knew it would help her in the long run if I stuck to my guns. Eventually she said "I could never imagine you with anyone else", to which I said "I can". This broke her heart, I felt it over the phone, gone, blocked, no contact. I felt bad after a day and emailed her saying I'm sorry for what I said, and that I didn't believe it, but I told her I couldn't agree to those things or it will make things worse. She never replied, still hasn't.

Two months pass and I was looking at the blocked people I had on my Instagram. I saw her and got too tempted so pressed on her page and saw that she's moved to a town in the UK in her Instagram description?!? (I wish I never looked). She always said she loved the UK and hated Germany, so I'm not surprised she moved here just to be happy, but it's really screwed me up. Is she trying to be close to me again? Surely not? I no longer suppressed my emotions for her, and everything flooded back to the top. It's been two weeks since I looked at her Instagram bio, and I've written, rewritten and edited an email to her about 40 times. I finish work at 5pm, and sometimes end up sitting there still thinking about pressing send until 8/9pm. I've spent so many evenings thinking what to do. I'm ruining my evenings, my weekends, my free time. I've shed many tears these last two weeks, sometimes when I'm putting food in the oven, sometimes just after laughing at a funny video, sometimes going for a walk, I can't control it. I've been close to pressing send twice, but always think that it could completely destroy her, like it's doing to me. I wasn't meant to see that she's in the UK remember, I'm blocked from everything (although you can't block emails), so feel bad. I'm also not sure that it's the right thing to do, do I potentially start up a relationship that has already proven not to work? But it DID work, for so long, we have such a strong deep connection? I feel like I understand a lot more than I did before, but am I the right person for her? Is she the right person for me? I'm definitely still in love with her, but are we meant to be with each other? It's such a huge decision to make, but I want to decide now so I don't waste any more time. It's been 2 horrendous weeks. Christmas is coming up and I don't want to ruin it for either of us, so sending the email now will let things calm down well before then. I can't feel like this until the new year, so waiting until 2021 is not an option. I don't know what to do.

Does anyone know some simple questions I can ask myself to make this easier? I do feel like no matter what, I will end up sending something to her :( If she was in Germany this would be so much easier, but she's on my Island! I could drive to her :( Everything i've read online basically says if you get broken up with, don't break the no contact rule. But our story isn't as simple as that, she was the last to confess her love for me. Gah this is so hard.

Any advice? Or further things I could say that could help someone give me advice?

Thanks for making it to the end if you did. I know people have a lot bigger problems to worry about, and a lot tougher relationships and breakups, so feel kind of guilty with my story, but I don't know where else to turn

Don't be silly. This would be hard on anyone. I'm sorry this is happening. My suggestion is to wait till the new year... way, waaaaay into the new year (maybe end of 2021) and give yourself more breathing room. She broke up with you in order to find herself and in the process also suggested that you start therapy as well. This is a not so subtle way of telling you that you both were in an unhealthy relationship, no matter which way you want to cut it.

I know things are raw right now but the dust will settle if you let it. Don't self-sabotage. This person made you an option. Stop making her your priority.

You were only together for a year and a half, with two breakups. This is a sure sign the relationship isn't the right one. You can easily convince yourself you love someone but with how fraught with issues this relationship was, there doesn't seem to be a real chance you two will end up together or even belong together.

If you go ahead with sending the email, be prepared to have her not answer at all or not answer in the way you're hoping.

Also, the amount of ruminating you're doing isn't healthy. Sitting for hours every evening ruining your life (your own words) is not good at all. I do think some therapy might be a good idea to get you past this rut.

Thank you both for taking the time to respond back to me. It’s helped me think a little clearer. I think I’m going to look into therapy as I’m just not right. Thanks again xx

Welcome.. and hope you are feeling better. Take care.