I can’t watch the kissing scene in any movie without feeling deeply hurt

Long post - but I really need advice, so I’m going to tell the full story (including his side).

My boyfriend (P) and I met through a mutual friend in our junior year of high school. The first year was amazing - butterflies turned into love, and I was extremely happy. Things took a turn when we decided to attend colleges 12 hours from each other.

During our freshman year, P made a strong circle of friends very early on. In that group was a girl ©. They spent a lot of time together, and eventually I became suspicious. I asked him over and over if something was going on, and he always said no. I believed him. I also found out that his friends even made comments saying how his relationship with C was inappropriate, and when I confronted P about it, he said “it’s the culture of the school - people always assume that a girl and a guy can’t just be friends” (he went to a very catholic university). During spring semester, I visited him for the weekend. I guess one of the kids in his dorm didn’t recognize me - so when he passed by P in the hallway, he said “ooohhh I saw you were getting cozy with C last night.. did anything happen ;)”. Needless to say, I was crushed and humiliated. All this time I thought I was going crazy, but I was right - and I wasn’t the only one noticing it. I also want to point out that I was already having a tough time freshman year because I didn’t find my friend group until sophomore year, so I was lonely and depressed most of the time. The stress of a long-distance relationship really got to me, and I felt like I was trying way harder than him (sending packages, texting and FaceTiming more than him, not getting much in return). Anyway, after many conversations with P, I truly believed that nothing was going on. He confirmed nothing physical happened, and that they were just friends.

Once we were able to spend the entire summer together - we seemingly reset our relationship. Everything was back to normal. This flowed into sophomore year. I was happier because I had a better social life, and P was more engaged and he tried really hard to make me happy. C also had a boyfriend at this time, so I felt more at ease.

The beginning of junior year comes around - and P tells me that he wants to talk. He wanted to tell me that I wasn’t crazy for suspecting a relationship between P & C freshman year. He told me that they had feelings for each other, and although they never acted on it physically, they definitely had an inappropriate emotional relationship that lasted all year. He apologized and said that he really didn’t believe that anything was wrong until he stepped outside of the situation and took the time to reflect. He acknowledges that he was gaslighting me, but he genuinely didn’t think he was wrong at the time (and I believe him). He told me that he is absolutely over her, and that we should try to move on and he would be willing to take any steps necessary to be with me.

Junior year was very rocky after that point - I felt validated in my feelings, but angry and sad and regretful. It was bumpy for the entire year.

Summer rolls around, and things are still iffy. I remember laying in bed with him when he got a text notification from another girl. I felt completely uneasy and I wanted to snoop. Now - up until this point, I had never snooped through his phone or anything. I really believe that invading someone’s privacy is violating, so I never wanted to do that to him. Instead of looking through his messages, I decided that I needed a break.

I wanted to take this “break” for 3 reasons (really a 33/33/33 split). First, I thought the break would repair the relationship. I thought a break would help me reset and really take the time I needed to heal. Second, I wanted him to spend some time alone to really reflect. I also wanted him to come to the conclusion, on his own, that being with me is better than being without me. Third, and selfishly, I wanted to experience being single. I felt very left out all of college, and I wanted the opportunity to meet other people.

So I told him I needed a break right at the beginning of senior year. He was devastated, but said he would be willing to take a break short-term if it meant being with me in the long-term. The first month of the break was great for me - I felt free for the first time in a very long time. After about a month, I came across an Instagram post that showed P & C together with a few other people. I knew in my gut that something wasn’t right. I also decided that I wanted to go on a tinder date for the first time, so I did - and it was awful. After kissing the tinder guy I just felt gross, and I knew that nothing would feel as good as it does with P. So at that point, I decided that I wanted to reach out to P. After a two month break, we spoke on the phone. I told him that I was ready to get back together, and he told me that he spent the break with C. Apparently they slipped back into that same relationship they were in during freshman year. They spent a lot of time together and confided in watch other. P told me this, and I was in shock. He told me that he thought it was over for us, and in that moment I just kind of went crazy. I begged him to tell me why it was over, and asked if he was going to be with C - he said no. So I kept pushing and pushing to find out why - and then he told me this. C broke up with her boyfriend the same time we took our break, so the two of them got together shortly after. They were emotionally connected, and eventually they kissed. They never went farther than kissing, but it got pretty intense from what I understand. That phone call is still a blur - but by the end we decided to try to be together (I don’t know how. I think I was in shock and just wanted him to be with me).

Ever since then, it has been hell for me. One year has passed since that phone call, and a lot has changed. For the first few months, I was a wreck. I was so overwhelmed with grief (? I’m not sure if that’s the right emotion) that I became suicidal. After one attempt, I turned to my support system for help. As the year progressed, I had some healthy talks with P and I learned his perspective.

First of all, like I mentioned earlier, he didn’t believe he had feelings for C in the moment. He only realized it after he took time to reflect sophomore year. Sophomore and junior year he was telling the truth the entire time - he was over C and completely in love with me. Then when I asked to take a break, he became super super depressed. He was also living with his best friend who tried to commit suicide a few times and was in and out of a mental hospital, so he was just in a toxic environment. He told me that every single picture in his room reminded him of me, and he spent most of his days alone. I assumed that he just got right with C when he got back to school, but that’s not the case. He was depressed for a while and eventually found out that C was depressed and lonely since she had just broken up with her boyfriend. They only spent time together because they were feeling the same way and could talk about it. Eventually they kissed (only twice), and he felt like garbage and didn’t leave his room for a few days after each time. I also found out that he would talk about me to his friends all the time, and listened to music and podcasts that he hated just because it made him feel connected to me when we weren’t talking.

I think the biggest upset for me was when P tried to tell me it was over. I felt so unloved and heartbroken. I later found out that P had no intentions of breaking up with me, and that he wanted to be with me. He just tried to tell me it was over because he didn’t want to hurt me anymore. He knew that if we got back together, he would have to tell me that they kissed, and he knew it would destroy me. Even though he really wanted to be with me, he tried to end it so that I wouldn’t have to know about the kiss. He thought I would be better off without him. After learning his side, I slowly started to feel better. We’ve been getting stronger and stronger as time goes by, but I still struggle with everything.

I want to point out that although I am heated and have only outlined the bad parts of P, he is actually a really great person. I know he really, really loves me. I’ve only dealt with this garbage for the past 4 years because I love him so deeply and really feel that he is perfect for me. We have very similar values. I love his family and he loves mine. We have such a deep connection. He is extremely affectionate and our sex life is great. He is literally everything I could ask for in a boyfriend - except for this history we have with C. He is so willing to change and do anything to make this relationship strong again. He has also mentioned couples therapy many times - but we can’t afford it and I feel weird going this young.

I see two sides to this story. One side is that they only kissed - and it was while we were on a break. I feel crazy for drawing it out like this and constantly needing to talk about the same ing thing. On the other hand, he caused so much damage. I don’t know if I can ever forgive him for being the reason I tried to kill myself. I know my worth, and I can’t believe I was willing to throw everything away because I felt so hurt by him. I also acknowledge that a big part of this issue is me, and that I should probably seek out therapy to help me with my trauma. I’ve gone to therapy many times before to help me cope, but I haven’t gone since the phone call because the idea of telling this entire story out loud is pretty daunting.

I’m asking for advice because I don’t know what to do. For the past 5/6 months, things have been pretty great. I have really strong feelings for him again. Now that we’ve graduated, we’re living close to each other again and we’ve have had time to really work on our relationship. My issue is that I keep getting triggered to those really awful feelings I felt a year ago. I can’t watch any kissing scene without immediately picturing P kiss C, and it ruins any movie or TV show I’m watching. I get triggered by random things, and I fall to some really low places. I have a hard time snapping out of it. I feel like my boyfriend and I go through this cycle - first, I’ll feel wonderful with him for a few weeks. I feel 100% confident that I want to spend the rest of my life with him. Then I get triggered, I feel worse and worse until I daydream about being with other people and breaking up with him. Then he notices something is wrong, and we talk it out until I feel secure again. Then I feel super close and attached to him and the cycle begins again. I don’t know what to do anymore. Please help (and be honest if you think I’m in the wrong)

Honestly, and you probably don't want to hear this, I think your relationship expired a while ago and you would be better off moving on.

You two have been trying and failing to make this work for too long. It seems that you outgrew each other and both wanted to explore other people, which is normal when you're young and have been together a few years. Calling a break is never the way to fix a relationship, as you learned the hard way, but the mere fact that you wanted time on your own is telling. You two seem to be together more of out of familiarity and a false sense of security than anything else at this point.

My best advice would be to acknowledge that this just isn't working anymore and respectfully set each other free.

Sorry to hear that. You need to talk to trusted adults and family about how you feel.

You need to see a physician about the mood swings and suicide attempts.

Although heartache are painful and LDRs are stressful, suicide attempts indicate much more difficult underlying problems.

He did not "cause"your suicide attempt. It was an extreme reaction to a breakup.

. I was lonely and depressed most of the time. don’t know if I can ever forgive him for being the reason I tried to kill myself. [/Quote]

Although heartache are painful and LDRs are stressful, suicide attempts indicate much more difficult underlying problems.

 

He did not "cause"your suicide attempt. It was an extreme reaction to a breakup.

I somehow missed this in my first read through the post, but I totally agree with the above.

He did not cause your suicide attempt at all. Please do not blame him for that; it's not fair.

I don't think you and P are right for each other since you feel more pain than pleasure. Obviously there are tons of images of people kissing each other and right now it's movies but if you feel this way then it will expand so that even if someone mentions kissing it will trigger you. That's not fair to you or P. You never believed him about C because you kept asking him so this goes way back.

He has nothing to do with you choosing to try to commit suicide and I hope you get help with that.

He is not perfect for you other than on paper because you don't trust him. Trust is huge in a relationship. You are worried that either he still has feelings for C or that this will happen again with someone else. That's not fair to make him work this hard and on top of that you've rejected couples therapy - just not a balanced or healthy way to interact with someone. I hope you do seek professional help and good luck!

You're learning your boundaries. Emotional cheating should be one of those lines, once crossed, there is no coming back from. In future you'll know.

It sounds like you're under a lot of stress and the heartache is chipping away at you. I hope you do what's right for you. Have a good mull over your dealbreakers and boundaries. Wishing you clarity and courage.

I think first and foremost you need to talk to a therapist about the suicide attempt. I'm so sorry you are in such a dark place, that you would want to end your life. I am not qualified to talk about this topic. Please seek treatment.

What I can tell you is, life changes. Things and people that feel so important right now won't always. This goes for first loves, too. First loves, oh for the thrill and rush, it hurtS, too. And more often, they don't last. And that's not always a bad thing. Raised on Disney, we don't know how to handle the bad ending. But its just the beginning. You'll meet so many people and experience so many things. You'll completely change in life many times... Its part of the journey.

But your emotional state is probably a result of suppressing how much you want out of this relationship. Kind of like what you resist persists.