I don’t believe in love

Sorry for my long post. I’m hoping you can take the time to read. Sorry for my bad grammar.

I use to be fat. Really fat as a young adult. Actually all my life I’ve been fat. I was 390 pounds. I didn’t care about my looks. so now I went from 390 pounds to 185 pounds. Diabetes free. No more high blood pressure. All I did was change my diet and the way I was eating. I stood positive and motivated. The reason why it took me long to lose weight because of my ADHD. I was having a hard time understanding the labels behind foods and calories/Carbs. It took me awhile but I did it.

I’m gay. Ever since I lost weight I’ve been getting notice by random people. There are a few people who are interested in me but I don’t feel that same way back. I’m flattered that people are complimenting my weight loss and saying I look better than I did before. it feels good when people say those things but recently I run into weird people who I feel like only like my appearance.

This one guy who lives in my unit. He started to talk to me randomly. he’s friendly and stuff. He’s gay like me. Sometimes I would notice things that he does. For example one time he was complementing my appearance and at the same time feeling and rubbing on my arms. That felt uncomfortable. I didn’t say anything to him because I don’t like being rude to people. Every now and then we run into each other and have quick conversations.

Then I started talking to another guy. He lives in my unit. He’s gay too. He told me that he’s been watching me and has his eye on me. I didn’t think anything of it. So then as we started to talk and get to know each other as friends he started saying inappropriate things to me. He started telling me that he wants to cuddle with me. He asked me if I wanted to have sex on the roof. He started making advances towards me. to some people (men or woman gay or straight) this might make them feel supiera or cocky & try to use this to build up their ego, but to me it don’t feel that way.

I’m not into sex with strangers. Matter fact I don’t feel attractive towards anyone. I mean I’m gay but what I’m saying is I don’t feel the need to sleep with people. I tried to tell him that I’m not interested in sex. I told him that at least to take me out and get to know me. I’m not even sexually attracted to him. I don’t see him in that way. If I was younger I would have slept with him but I’m not like that. so then after I told him that, he felt offended and stopped talking to me. every time we see each other outside he makes excuses to why he doesn’t text or call me but I don’t need a reason and I never asked for one. I don’t care if he doesn’t talk to me. I already knew what he wanted. Every time he talks to me he looks at me up and down in this sexual way and it’s like uncomfortable. I could tell he’s sexually into me.

There was this other incident where I met this other person. he lives in my unit. When I say met I meant we started talking. Then 5 minutes within the conversation he told me I’m cute and asked if I wanted to sleep with him. I had to make up an excuse because I wasn’t interested.

(THE POINT OF MY POST)

I feel like I was meant to be alone. I don’t feel like I could fully trust anyone. I had this incident years ago where I was bullied and humiliated for coming out to my ex friend and I told him I was gay. After that I never fully trusted men in general and not just men. I don’t trust people. Right now I’m struggling with my depression and anxiety and other mental health problems. The worst feeling in the world is loneliness. I feel lonely and that’s the worst feeling ever. If I meet someone it has to be based on connection. Without connection i won’t be interested in the relationship. I feel like a real meaningful relationship should be based off connection. I also feel like sex should be between two people who love each other. not with strangers. I don’t believe in one night stands or having sex for fun. If I wanted sex badly I would sleep with my neighbors but I’m not interested in that. I came to the conclusion that everyone cares about looks. From experience it feels like you have to look a certain way to get someone’s attention. When I was fat no one cared or even talked to me. It’s not about what’s on the inside. Don’t be fooled by what people and the movies say. it

I believe love exist for others but not for me. I need to start accepting the fact that I’ll probably be alone forever. I lost my sister in June. She lost her battle with cancer. I lost my stepdad 2 days after my sister died. He died from COVID-19 symptoms. In my head I feel like what’s the point of even trying to be in a relationship when people die and they could leave you at any moment. Dealing with a loss is hard. That emptiness and loneliness. I use to believe that family and love was forever but I never thought that anyone in my family would pass away. I did know that life is not guaranteed and no one lives forever but I didn’t believe that a loss could happen to me and my loved ones. Right now I feel alone. The feeling of loneliness is horrible.

I hear you. It really is quite horrible and agree with a lot of what you said. If you are open to grief counselling try looking at some options in the neighbourhood. Even a help hotline helps in your area if you need to talk with someone anonymously. You are also in good company on this forum.

Good for you for not doing what you're not comfortable with. Have you also tried local interest groups in your city or area?

I am so very sorry about the loss of your sister and stepfather. That must have been so awful and of course you are hurting. This has been a horrible and traumatic year for most people and there is no expectation that you have to be interested in sex or relationships.

I also agree with you that sex and being in a relationship should be special. I don't judge anyone that wants to have casual sex, as it's up to them. However it's also up to you if you don't want casual sex and that is 100% your right. It's your life, your body and there is no obligation for you to do anything you don't want to do. You can be more firm with people that try to get sex from you that you don't want to. You said you didn't say anything when that guy was rubbing your arms because you don't want to be rude. It's not rude to tell him to stop because he shouldn't be touching you without your consent. Just because you're gay and these guys are gay doesn't mean they have a right to your body and to touch you inappropriately. Absolutely you can tell them you don't like it and to back off.

I think yes unfortunately many people are shallow, but not everybody. There are people out there who would still date overweight people and people who are not sleazy. There are people out there who like people for who they actually are.

If you want to make friends then you could join Meetup groups and all kinds of social groups. Just because you're single doesn't mean you have to be lonely. I have a lot of friends and during times when I'm single I still have company and people to talk to. I was overweight through school and had bad acne and got bullied. It definitely really affected my self esteem so I understand why you don't trust people. I have learnt though that there are still decent and good people out there.

I think if you can, it would be good for you to get therapy and discuss all this with a professional. Especially as you're going through loss and grief and you've been through a traumatic year.

Wow you are experiencing some tough stuff here. So sorry for your loss. I agree with the grief counseling, that will help you deal with the hurt and loneliness. Of course you are not going to feel attraction towards anyone at this time because you are depressed and have other things on your mind.

Congratz on your weight loss....the down side is you have more work still to do. Some people think this wonderful life awaits them as soon as they lose the weight only to find out, there's no fanfare/excitement, things are still pretty much the same...it's kind of a let down. The weight/eating was a symptom of your depression. This is what I mean about not being done yet. I suggest you see your doctor, get a proper diagnosis and treatment. Hopefully this will help you on your new journey.

I believe love exist for others but not for me. I need to start accepting the fact that I’ll probably be alone forever. I lost my sister in June. She lost her battle with cancer. I lost my stepdad 2 days after my sister died. He died from COVID-19 symptoms. In my head I feel like what’s the point of even trying to be in a relationship when people die and they could leave you at any moment. Dealing with a loss is hard. That emptiness and loneliness. I use to believe that family and love was forever but I never thought that anyone in my family would pass away. I did know that life is not guaranteed and no one lives forever but I didn’t believe that a loss could happen to me and my loved ones. Right now I feel alone. The feeling of loneliness is horrible.

Oh my love you are in the throws of grief ...what huge losses ...watching your sister fight and lose her battle and THEN your step father . This is enough to make anyone start reflecting on life and not in a positive way . We are on top of Christmas , we are in a pandemic .... in your world right now it is understandably very dark .

I don't think now is the right time to push yourself into making life plans where you will not find love .

You have had bad experiences with your romantic life , honestly my friend we pretty much all have ...the bullying is dreadful to add to what you have going on in your mind ... when something bad/sad happens it brings everything up , a life time of hurt ...

Just for now , stop thinking about love and what will and wont happen and get through this time in your life . HUgs xx

I'm sorry about your sister and step dad. Awful. Like others have said. You are really going through a tough time and it would effect how you see things. Do you have a doctor that can refer you to a therapist?

So proud of your weight loss. That's an amazing and wonderful feat! Brava! Brava!

Reading your post and the creepy guys hitting on you, asking for sex immediately, reminds me of what its like to be a woman! Lol.

Over the years, random guys have also given me their opinions on my looks, might try to touch my shoulders or hands or some just flat out want to have sex. Its creepy and weird. And just outside your door. Yikes. I could see how it tales a toll, too.

I think after a big weight loss, like yours, your inside feelings have to catch up to your body. No diabetes, no high blood pressure, wonderful for your physical health. Now you need to work on the mental and emotional health. Its separate from your grief for your sister and step dad. Its going to take time and help.

I want you to know. You're not alone in terms of feeling like maybe you aren't meant for love. I've had some relationships and been in love before but I haven't been for a long time. Then with the pandemic, I am not meeting anyone. I've talked to a few guys through dating apps. But nobody that I want to meet in person. But that doesn't mean it can't change. Look at all you've accomplished already... Keep going! Take care of yourself. Things can and will change. ❤

Reading your post and the creepy guys hitting on you, asking for sex immediately, reminds me of what its like to be a woman! Lol.

Oh god, Lambert, I was thinking the same thing!! LOL.

But seriously, I totally understand what you are saying, Chrisjohnson. You are dead right when you point out the fact that you were invisible when you were overweight.

People are absolutely dazzled by superficial things. It's the human condition. And sometimes it's very depressing to see that.

As Lambert says, your inside feelings are still catching up to your body. It's fine to feel the way that you feel. You don't have to be with anyone if you don't want to be. BUT. Don't close yourself off to love altogether. It exists.

I've very sorry to hear about your sister and your stepdad. Awful. That must have been traumatic, and I'm sure it is still affecting you. So, be mindful of that.

If you find yourself losing hope, take action. Find a therapist, write in a journal, write on here. Do something. Don't give up.