Am I being unreasonable?

I am a healthcare professional who occasionally needs to take on-call emergency duty (about one week a month) for work. My job can be stressful and can be difficult to leave at work.

I have a wonderful and kind husband who works very hard at his job six days a week. We both work a lot and our lives honestly feel very in sync, which I think we both love.

On the weekends I need to take call (again, once a month) he’s sometimes eager to blow off steam on the Saturday night (he’s off Sunday). Since I’m often preoccupied with work (often home, but sometimes in and out, but again preoccupied) he will sometimes decide to get very drunk. I’ll go to bed and he’ll stay up and listen to music (on headphones), clean (sometimes loudly), and go to bed about two hours after me. I normally adore sleeping next to him but on these nights he’ll stink of alcohol, he’ll snore, he’ll take up the bed, etc. I hate when this happens primarily because it affects my sleep but I wouldn’t want to sleep without him. I think the restrictions of covid have made him treasure this time to reflect, get drunk, and be happy.

He works very hard and is an absolutely lovely person, but I hate when he does this. I’ve told him it makes me very upset for reasons that are hard to articulate. I want to get my feelings out there instead of harboring them. In some ways I just want what I want, especially when I’m stressed and work is demanding of me, but I do wonder if I’m unfair trying to “control” this time of his. I just don’t understand why he needs to get so drunk by himself once every 4-8 weeks when he could just be spending the quiet time that I have with me.

Thoughts?

I am a healthcare professional who occasionally needs to take on-call emergency duty (about one week a month) for work. My job can be stressful and can be difficult to leave at work.

 

I have a wonderful and kind husband who works very hard at his job six days a week. We both work a lot and our lives honestly feel very in sync, which I think we both love.

 

On the weekends I need to take call (again, once a month) he’s sometimes eager to blow off steam on the Saturday night (he’s off Sunday). Since I’m often preoccupied with work (often home, but sometimes in and out, but again preoccupied) he will sometimes decide to get very drunk. I’ll go to bed and he’ll stay up and listen to music (on headphones), clean (sometimes loudly), and go to bed about two hours after me. I normally adore sleeping next to him but on these nights he’ll stink of alcohol, he’ll snore, he’ll take up the bed, etc. I hate when this happens primarily because it affects my sleep but I wouldn’t want to sleep without him. I think the restrictions of covid have made him treasure this time to reflect, get drunk, and be happy.

 

He works very hard and is an absolutely lovely person, but I hate when he does this. I’ve told him it makes me very upset for reasons that are hard to articulate. I want to get my feelings out there instead of harboring them. In some ways I just want what I want, especially when I’m stressed and work is demanding of me, but I do wonder if I’m unfair trying to “control” this time of his. I just don’t understand why he needs to get so drunk by himself once every 4-8 weeks when he could just be spending the quiet time that I have with me.

 

Thoughts?

So it's only once, every 4-8 weeks? How strange and interesting.

I'm sorry it made a hilarious sight to me to see some drunk husband going on a drunken cleaning spree! LOL I've never ever heard of anything like that!

I wonder if it's just his very strange way of coping with COVID? A lot of people are becoming alcoholics over this pandemic, very devastating, but he doesn't sound like a true alcoholic only doing it that rarely.

I'm sorry you're having a hard time with it... I'll be interested to read the advice people give as I don't know what to say.

I see both sides. Him blowing off steam every 4 to 8 weeks is pretty reasonable. It's not as if he has a problem.

You mention he could otherwise be spending quiet time with you? Again, once every 4 to 8 weeks isn't much to ask for.

It seems the other part of the problem is it disrupts your sleep. I get that.

You mention you cannot sleep without him. Maybe rethink that because if it came to a compromise and you don't want to dictate this, I let him know that if he's going to do this it's best to probably sleep on the couch.

Not as a source of punishment or judgement. But you get to sleep in peace and forgo the resentment after a sleepless night and

he ultimately doesn't feel controlled.

Well, yes, Jnr. As you say it could be this:

" I think the restrictions of covid have made him treasure this time to reflect, get drunk, and be happy."

Like MB, not sure what to say to you. Once every two months doesn't sound too concerning.

The getting drunk would annoy me a lot and rather than have my sleep disturbed I'd sleep in the spare room or on the couch, anywhere but beside a drunk.

Hard to say why he does this, as it seems unusual and not pleasant either. What does he say when you ask him about this?

Do you have a guest room? Can he sleep on the couch when he drinks?

I think it's stress. Let's put it simply, would this still bother you if you weren't working as hard or as 'preoccupied' as you are even when you're at home? It's normal to be annoyed with people being loud, flitting around drunk or reeking of alcohol when you're 'preoccupied' right up to the very last minute before bed. Rinse and repeat and remain edgy and stressed.

Learn to give yourself at least an hour or two hours of nothing, no work, no worries, no stress before bed and spend that time with him. He may not want to interrupt whatever you are doing and thinks he's being Mr. Wonderful drinking and cleaning, out of your hair. Much respect to you as well working in healthcare.

Your previous post suggests you might have just gotten married in late 2020. It takes time to adjust to different schedules. I think it's better you both address this now and find more suitable routines or ways to destress and spend time together early on.

Being married is all about compromise...talk to him...suggest he has his night once a month, no fumbling around making noise and you sleep in the guest room or tell him to hit the couch. A night once a month without him for some decent sleep won't kill ya.

Take it from an old gal like me who's been with her man for almost 31 years....personal time and space is very important in a relationship...for them and us to do our own thing, have a life/hobby/friends outside the marriage. It keeps things fresh and healthy. I most certainly don't drag my husband to every event I go to, and he likes going to my brother's or friend's place to help them with a project. Gets him out of my hair. If you are looking for quality time, schedule date nights, whether to watch a movie, or go for a walk, a Sunday brunch, even if it's only for a couple of hours...sit and talk to decompress over a bottle of whine, etc.

Asking someone to go to bed any earlier than they'd prefer isn't a good idea. That only trades your resentment and sleeplessness for imposing same on him, so it's not a solution.

I'd offer him a fair trade. If he would be willing to use the couch or a guest bed for sleeping after his party nights instead of disturbing my sleep, he gets to propose a list of favors he'd like from me in exchange.

After each time, I'd select from his list the next day unless he raises a preference.

I'd also thank him for the cleaning, and I'd mention that while he has the headphones on, he might not hear the noises he's making that also keep me awake. I'd ask if he would be more mindful of that.