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Thread: When does it become real?

  1. #1
    Forum Supporter ~Seraphim ~'s Avatar
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    When does it become real?

    It seems every weekend I cry at some point because my father is gone and yes, he wasnít a good parent and we had almost no relationship for almost 30 years but he was still my father . I may not have liked who he was ,what he stood for or any of his life decisions but I did love him. I just canít wrap my head around the fact that I will never hear him or see him again. He was still a human being with a story. And that story and knowledge is forever gone. And that in itself is a tragedy.

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    Originally Posted by ~Seraphim ~
    It seems every weekend I cry at some point because my father is gone and yes, he wasnít a good parent and we had almost no relationship for almost 30 years but he was still my father . I may not have liked who he was ,what he stood for or any of his life decisions but I did love him. I just canít wrap my head around the fact that I will never hear him or see him again. He was still a human being with a story. And that story and knowledge is forever gone. And that in itself is a tragedy.
    Vic you will never get over this ....what happens is you learn to live with it . You accept that it has happened and that they are gone ....and that becomes ok to live with . My mum has been gone 6 and a half years and I had a right good cry this morning ...I still get that ..oh my God my mam and dad are actually dead , I will never ever see them here on earth so to speak again .......but the recovery is quicker now then it was 6 year ago .

    Just let the tears come , remember what you remember , don't try and push it away , or tell yourself you should be over it .... you have a damn good cry love ...he was/is your dad and all that he was , the good , the bad and the ugly , he is still your dad and losing a parent is one hell of heartbreak .

    I thought you had been quiet love xxxxx It is a bad time as well ..we are nearly at Christmas , we are in the middle of a pandemic and anyone's thoughts are getting a bit mashed right now , never mind when you are grieving .

    Lots and lots and lots of love and hugs ...sorry I can't make it go away ...but I can certainly sit and have a good cry with you xxxx

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    Platinum Member melancholy123's Avatar
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    Do you think you are upset because you are realizing you will never have the father you wanted to have? I was super upset when my dad died in 1979 and I cried a lot then but I am long over that. Sure I wish he was here but he's not and I have dealt with that.

    My mother was a shrew, she's been gone 11 yrs and I didnt cry when she died and I have not cried since, and I doubt I will. She was one nasty person and I was not upset when she died. I didnt long for what I didnt have with her. I get that this sounds harsh but only I lived my young life with her.

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    Platinum Member Andrina's Avatar
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    I'm sorry you're hurting. I guess you don't need to understand it. It's an emotion, so express it. Although my older brother is still alive, I get how you could still feel something, since I love my brother because he's my brother, but he was very rarely a good brother to me. He was a drug addict most of his life. Abandoned his child when she was 6. Basically was a cockroach to society.

    I guess my point is to feel good about being an empathetic person, even though certain others in your life who should be, aren't.

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    Big hugs to you, Seraphim!

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    Platinum Member Cherylyn's Avatar
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    I'm sorry for your hurts, ~Seraphim~. Perhaps it will take many more months and years before it becomes real and if not, it will take a lifetime for your late father's passing to finally become real to you. Or, never.

    In the meantime, I hope you fill your days with healthy distractions so you won't have time, energy and brain space to mourn, dwell and ruminate over your loss as much as you do.

    Take good care of yourself. Hang in there.

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    Platinum Member Clio's Avatar
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    Hey Seraphim. I am very sorry that you are hurting. Grief is a very personal journey. Whatever you are feeling is valid. And it's still fresh. Imo, you need to take your time without worrying about how long it takes.

    Some scattered thoughts that may or may not help. Imo, one' s story is not lost as long as there are still people around who loved them and remember them. Your father's story is not gone for as long as you live. Based on what you shared, he lived a long life, he got to have children and grandchildren and when he left this world, he had at least one person who loved him and will remember him (you). His death was the end of his physical suffering and a form of rest following a full life cycle.

    I am not sure what your relationship is with your religion. Mine is admittedly a loose one, but I believe in its dogma of there being an afterlife, which to me it means that I will get to meet again the loved one's that I lost. That's how I deal with not being able to hear them or see them. And I still talk to them when I need to. Whenever I visit an empty church I light a candle for them and I have done so in many different countries. That's my personal ritual of still keeping them with me and I am sure other people, regardless of which religion they belong to, have come up with their own personal rituals.

    Your father sounded like a "difficult" person yet he still got to have a child who loved him and will remember him. I would say that part of his story is still very much alive and far from tragedy. I hope that what I wrote doesn't come across as rationalisation. It was an attempt to share my coping thoughts mechanism. Whatever you feel is valid. Take your time. Hugs.

  9. #8
    Forum Supporter ~Seraphim ~'s Avatar
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    Originally Posted by pippy longstocking
    Vic you will never get over this ....what happens is you learn to live with it . You accept that it has happened and that they are gone ....and that becomes ok to live with . My mum has been gone 6 and a half years and I had a right good cry this morning ...I still get that ..oh my God my mam and dad are actually dead , I will never ever see them here on earth so to speak again .......but the recovery is quicker now then it was 6 year ago .

    Just let the tears come , remember what you remember , don't try and push it away , or tell yourself you should be over it .... you have a damn good cry love ...he was/is your dad and all that he was , the good , the bad and the ugly , he is still your dad and losing a parent is one hell of heartbreak .

    I thought you had been quiet love xxxxx It is a bad time as well ..we are nearly at Christmas , we are in the middle of a pandemic and anyone's thoughts are getting a bit mashed right now , never mind when you are grieving .

    Lots and lots and lots of love and hugs ...sorry I can't make it go away ...but I can certainly sit and have a good cry with you xxxx
    I remember when your mam died. Hugs

    You have such a loving gift of knowing how to comfort. You are right I shouldnít hold back tears he was my father whatever else he was.

  10. #9
    Forum Supporter ~Seraphim ~'s Avatar
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    Originally Posted by melancholy123
    Do you think you are upset because you are realizing you will never have the father you wanted to have? I was super upset when my dad died in 1979 and I cried a lot then but I am long over that. Sure I wish he was here but he's not and I have dealt with that.

    My mother was a shrew, she's been gone 11 yrs and I didnt cry when she died and I have not cried since, and I doubt I will. She was one nasty person and I was not upset when she died. I didnt long for what I didnt have with her. I get that this sounds harsh but only I lived my young life with her.
    If it makes sense I have known I was a mostly fatherless daughter for 53 year and yes for a lot of them I was angry and lost about it. But a while ago I made peace with that because his mental illness and upbringing precluded the fact that he couldíve been a good father. I knew he loved us on some level but nothing he could translate into anything normal. But I made peace with that a while ago.

    It is HIM I miss. The essence of what was him. His dark humour that hid his pain . We shared the same humour at times. His sarcasm which I found hilarious at times. The pieces of his personality.

    Maybe it is that he gave up. I know why he did and it was his choice. And that is so uncharted territory of course. It is so fresh and new not to have a father.

  11. #10
    Forum Supporter ~Seraphim ~'s Avatar
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    Originally Posted by Andrina
    I'm sorry you're hurting. I guess you don't need to understand it. It's an emotion, so express it. Although my older brother is still alive, I get how you could still feel something, since I love my brother because he's my brother, but he was very rarely a good brother to me. He was a drug addict most of his life. Abandoned his child when she was 6. Basically was a cockroach to society.

    I guess my point is to feel good about being an empathetic person, even though certain others in your life who should be, aren't.
    I guess you are right emotions ,just are. We donít always have to understand them.

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