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Thread: What do I do? It's been a rollercoaster.

  1. #1
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    What do I do? It's been a rollercoaster.

    So this is an odd one. I'm a 25 year old male. I met Elizabeth (24 y/o female) about 4 months ago. We had known each other in the past, but never really talked. We started talking. We began seeing each other and we took off like wildfire. It almost was like we moved to fast. Up until about three weeks ago it was us together everyday when we were off work, or even it would be just me going over to her house to spend the night after I got off of work. Through the duration of the relationship Elizabeth was rather emotional. She went through a lot this year (loss of a father, and other emotional issues that she has yet to accept.)

    Anyhow, out of the blue a couple weeks back she just told me she wasn't ready to be in a relationship with me because she was overwhelmed. She told me her emotions weere going to be highstrung and that she didn't think it was fair. Also that we moved to fast etc. I understood that because I felt the same. I asked if she wanted to get together and talk about everything, and she told me "no, because we will end up back together." So then for the next week I would try to stop talking to her and she would message me repeatedly, at times "accidentally," sending me stuff. Every time we would get to talking it would end up turning into an argument over everything. I would get told stuff like, "I miss you," "I second guess myself everyday," etc. Then I would say lets get together and we would just argue. It got to the point where I deleted her on every form of communication, and she knew so. But then she started to text me just random stuff. Then she had me re add her back on these communication means.

    A few days ago we ran into each other at a bar. She invited me by her and her friends, I declined. She then bought me a drink. She then messaged me and told me she missed me, and that she was stressed and overwhelmed with life right now and did not remember much of the last few weeks. At one point she said something about wanting to be with me, but not being able to do it because she's not ready and it wouldn't be fair to me. I kind of got sick of the messages so I left. Then my phone was blown up with messages to comeback, she wanted to talk, etc. I told her to come outside. SO she came outside and we talked in her car. We ended up going back to my house and sleeping together. That night she told me she missed me multiple times. Come morning I was told that this was the best she had slept in a while (implying since we broke up) and then we also kissed before she left.

    Now we kind of are talking but not really. it's just kind of odd. I don't know what to do here? DO I wait? Do I leave? I have tried talking to her about everything multiple times and she just gets mad and said she doesn't want to talk about it.

  2. #2
    Platinum Member lostandhurt's Avatar
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    This has to suck giant monkey butt. This kind of push pull thing can wear anyone out and I know how you feel.

    My advice would be to send her a message telling her that you really want to be with her but all this up and down in and out stuff is not healthy and you cannot continue seeing her. Tell her when she figures out what she wants and if that is a real committed relationship to let you know but until then please stop contacting you. Make sure she understands you will not be waiting for her and if you are still single when she figures herself out MAYBE you two can try again.

    So far you have zero control and are just reacting to random and irrational behavior. Time to get some control back of your life and go NC.

    It might be hard but I think you know you cannot continue down this path.

    Lost

  3. #3
    Platinum Member Andrina's Avatar
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    Well, you're allowing yourself to be a damn yo-yo. Yes, learn from your mistakes that at the beginning you should stick to a few times a week getting together. It doesn't mean this particular relationship would've worked anyway.

    If a person doesn't feel 100 percent confident in continuing with you, the best thing you should do is stay no contact. If she'd actually cared and saw real problems, she would've addressed the problems and worked on them with you to get to a good place.

    You can see the pattern of her being wishy-washy and treating you like a yo-yo. Utilize your self-care here, and refuse to be her toy.

    Go no contact and stay that way. Be free for someone who is crazy about you and won't ever let you go--not even once.

  4. #4
    Member maritalbliss86's Avatar
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    Originally Posted by lostandhurt
    This has to suck giant monkey butt. This kind of push pull thing can wear anyone out and I know how you feel.

    My advice would be to send her a message telling her that you really want to be with her but all this up and down in and out stuff is not healthy and you cannot continue seeing her. Tell her when she figures out what she wants and if that is a real committed relationship to let you know but until then please stop contacting you. Make sure she understands you will not be waiting for her and if you are still single when she figures herself out MAYBE you two can try again.

    So far you have zero control and are just reacting to random and irrational behavior. Time to get some control back of your life and go NC.

    It might be hard but I think you know you cannot continue down this path.

    Lost
    Everything Lost has said is perfect... it's simply having boundaries for yourself on what you can and cannot accept.

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  6. #5
    Platinum Member Rose Mosse's Avatar
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    Every day is quite a lot to be seeing someone. Slow it down a lot more. It seems you played a role in the yo-yo effect. I don't think you need to block or delete her or ignore her but you can stop responding to her messages or mixed signals, let's say, at odd hours of the night or past an inappropriate hour. If the messages have a tone of desperation or if she's drunk or whatever, leave it for a few days and then respond later.

    It doesn't have to be so melodramatic. Both of you were seeing each other for only four months and she lost a family member. Cut both of yourselves some slack. If you feel there's too much frustration, reflect a little about the whole situation and see what you can do to find a middle ground.

    Eventually things will start to stabilize for her, as they do for most people after a major loss.

    Keep things lighthearted between the both of you. This means no heavy conversations about where the relationship is going or what you both want.

    If you're looking for something far more serious and committed, this isn't the right person. She's already told you that.

  7. #6
    Platinum Member Wiseman2's Avatar
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    Sorry to hear this. Unfortunately she not ready willing or able to be in a place to date right now. She seems to care, but is just to all over the place right now.
    Originally Posted by Trimper
    She went through a lot this year (loss of a father, and other emotional issues that she has yet to accept.)

  8. #7
    Platinum Member DancingFool's Avatar
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    My firm belief is that someone who is truly genuinely into you will never jerk you around or risk losing you by breaking up with you. In short, the first break up is the last one for me.

    Everyone has issues to deal with in life. That's not an excuse for the break up/make up, on/off madness. Healthy people are capable of working through those issues with their partner by their side. On top of that, life is constantly full or challenges, so hoping that once her issues are resolved, you can be good again is an exercise in futility. She is showing you right now that she doesn't handle adversity well and so, even if you were to get back together, another break up will be just around the corner. You do not want to live with that kind of constant stress - always waiting for the other shoe to drop.

    Learn to have some healthy boundaries and enforce them. If something is going too fast, step on those brakes. If someone is jerking you around, learn how to say no to that and mean it. Have enough self respect to walk away from a person who dumped you and then wants to jerk you around. Nobody can string you along or jerk you around without your explicit permission. Keep that in mind.

    If I were you, next time she contacts you, I'd sent her a clear and firm message - "I've enjoyed getting to know and would like to continue. However, it's obvious that you are not in a good place for that. So if that changes and you are serious about getting back together, feel free to contact me and we can talk about it then. Until that point, please don't contact me anymore. Wish you well and hope you overcome your challenges." If she tries to jerk you around more after that, I'd just lose her number forever. Always keep your self respect and your dignity.

    Keep in mind also, that when you act like a doormat she can jerk around, she will lose all respect for you and once a woman loses respect for you, it's game over. You can't get it back and you will never have a relationship with her that you want.

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    Thanks for the help everyone. I agree with what you all have said. I still firmly believe she is a good person. She just isn't in the right place to date anyone. As she has told me that. I tried the message about me waiting around and it didn't go all to well. She gets mad whenever I bring that stuff up. I think I will just distance myself. While I was with her she showed me signs of depression throughout everything and oftentimes I would spend the night comforting her. I think she just needs time to herself to find out what life is like post everything that happened to her before she can have a life with someone else.

  10. #9
    Platinum Member DancingFool's Avatar
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    Trimper... to put it very simply, she is just not that into you. That doesn't make her a bad person, but.... not someone you should be pursuing or waiting around for. She gets mad when you tell her you'll wait around because.....she knows she isn't that into you and you can't seem to take that hint and find enough self respect to cut her off.

  11. #10
    Platinum Member boltnrun's Avatar
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    Originally Posted by Trimper
    Thanks for the help everyone. I agree with what you all have said. I still firmly believe she is a good person. She just isn't in the right place to date anyone. As she has told me that. I tried the message about me waiting around and it didn't go all to well. She gets mad whenever I bring that stuff up. I think I will just distance myself. While I was with her she showed me signs of depression throughout everything and oftentimes I would spend the night comforting her. I think she just needs time to herself to find out what life is like post everything that happened to her before she can have a life with someone else.
    So she's allowed to "get mad" but you're not allowed to express your feelings?

    How does 30 years of this dynamic sound to you?

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