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Thread: What do I do? It's been a rollercoaster.

  1. #11
    Platinum Member Rose Mosse's Avatar
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    Originally Posted by Trimper
    Thanks for the help everyone. I agree with what you all have said. I still firmly believe she is a good person. She just isn't in the right place to date anyone. As she has told me that. I tried the message about me waiting around and it didn't go all to well. She gets mad whenever I bring that stuff up. I think I will just distance myself. While I was with her she showed me signs of depression throughout everything and oftentimes I would spend the night comforting her. I think she just needs time to herself to find out what life is like post everything that happened to her before she can have a life with someone else.
    Of course. That's a very healthy mindset. Yes, do distance yourself. Enjoy hobbies and enjoy being with people who reciprocate with you on other levels.

    It's important that you draw the line and put some distance between the chaos of someone else's life and your own life. There's no reason not to be a friend unless your feelings are too overwhelming or strong for her. She's not in that place right now.

    You'll feel much better once you stop depending on her to fill a role she can't fill at the moment. Take care.

  2. #12
    Platinum Member reinventmyself's Avatar
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    She sounds like she is having all these internal wars with herself and you are caught in the crossfire. Good for you for removing yourself from her sights.

    Along the lines with all her other issues, it's really selfish of her to continue to give you mixed messages.

    Keep moving forward and don't look back.

  3. #13
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    Was she close to her father? Death of a parent can be very hard on a person. Maybe she let you in when she needed you around time of his passing, but is now able to move on without you.
    I would hardcore exit her life and if she comes back in better mental health, re-visit at that time.

  4. #14
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    Too the questions...

    As to her and her father being close they were extremely close. His passing happened about 5 months before I met Elizabeth.

    And as to her towards me no one saw it comimg. Even her friends said it was random out of the blue. She talked about me as if I was the greatest guy on earth. But honestly I saw her emotions slowly building to this.

    She slowly became more emotional (never towards me, just periods of depression). I firmly just believe she isn't in a dating mindset.

    I told her today I'll always be here for her because of how much counsel I was to her. But other then that I'm going to go on with my life. If we cross path in time I would love to see if we have a spark, but for a relationship to ever last I feel she needs to fix her own emotions first. I plan on staying respectful to her and being here when she needs my emotional support but not pursuing her.

    Thanks for the help everyone.

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  6. #15
    Platinum Member Rose Mosse's Avatar
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    If we're being realistic about emotional support, you both may need a break from each other. The lines often get blurred when there isn't enough time to breathe or heal. What I was meaning about being a friend was keeping things lighthearted and not emotionally draining. This might mean light conversations about how things are and sending her good wishes like Happy Thanksgiving or Happy New Year etc. I didn't mean to suggest that you slip into a therapist role.

    Your energies and time and healing should go to yourself and eventually you should be sharing your life with someone special who can reciprocate that if you want that sort of commitment or relationship.

    The reason why I wanted to point this out is I've been on both ends of the situation... the person needing the emotional help or advice from a good friend and draining that person and I've also been on the giving end of trying to help someone I still cared about quite a lot and feeling quite drained emotionally. There needs to be some boundaries there if you can hack it. Good luck with this and keep writing here if it helps.

  7. #16
    Platinum Member Andrina's Avatar
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    I told her today I'll always be here for her because of how much counsel I was to her. I plan on staying respectful to her and being here when she needs my emotional support

    I hope not. A future potential partner won't accept you giving "emotional support" to an ex. Never use the word "always" in these cases, because it's just not realistic. Past behavior is the best predictor of future behavior. She dumped you once and she'll do it again just as easily when the second round of sparks fizzles out. You're grasping for straws, excusing her behavior. Don't put yourself on ice, waiting for her to be in a dating mindset. When she's ready, it will likely be with someone else. That's what I've seen in my lifetime experience.

  8. #17
    Platinum Member catfeeder's Avatar
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    I told her today I'll always be here for her because of how much counsel I was to her.
    Why reduce yourself to be someone's emotional tampon?

    Who does that help, exactly?

    She's a grown woman and perfectly capable of hiring a therapist if she needs one. Question your own motives and make a better choice for yourself. She'll be fine.

  9. #18
    Platinum Member lostandhurt's Avatar
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    Trimper,

    I totally agree with Catfeeder. You cannot be her therapist or shoulder to cry on. There is no upside for you to be in this position. I can see you want to be a good guy and you still have feelings for her but you need to go total NC today.

    If deep down you hope this good guy being there for her routine will increase your chances of a relationship with her you are mistaken.

    She needs to handle her own life without you there. If you want her to miss you then disappear. If you want her to wonder what you have been up to then disappear. If you want her to grow and conquer her own issues then disappear.

    You are doing her nor yourself any favors by being her crutch. Also say you meet some new woman that has her stuff together and your ex is still around as your project. How long do you think this new woman is going to stick around when you still have an ex in your life?

    Do yourself a huge favor and cut the cord today. It may sting at first but in the long run it is best for both of you.

    Lost

  10. #19
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    Just wang to give everyone an update...

    I deleted her on everything. A few days after the split she was spending time with someone new. That kind of hurt me because I know this person was pursuing her when we were together but she didn't give him the time of day and would show me when he would message her.

    Her friends have told me this new person is just because she's emotionally unstable and unavailable, ans she just is doing this because she feels empty and that falsely makes her feel better so she can run from her issues. I kind of understand that.

    I also ran into her the other night. We are both from the same small town. Initially I avoided her but she initiated contact and began speaking with me. Well, we ended up sleeping together. I held steady until she told me she missed me etc. The next morning she left kissed me, gave me a hug, and said that was the best she slept since we broke up. After we started talking again. Shortly later I ended up deleting her off of everything again because I was sick of the rollercoaster.

    A few days later we once again bumped into each other. It ended up in an argument. The next day she called me and asked for me to come over. I came over, we slept together, and then got lunch. Later that evening she invited me back over again... We slept together again and then she cried infront of me for about an hour about stuff she is stressed about. She told me just being with me brought her peace and made her feel happy.

    I still have her deleted off of all of my social media, blocked on Snapchat, and I don't have her number saved in my phone. If she texts or calls I delete the number. I have yet to block her number. It's tough to do. I also dread going out in our town because I'm afraid of running into her with the new guy she's seeing. She tells me she's not seeing anyone... Just talking to him but it still kind of hurts.

    She still also texts me multiple times a day. I won't reply, but then i'll get an additional message. Kind of why I think I need to just block her number. In the last week I have been told she missed me multiple times, and that she misses what we had. The other night she even told me that she runs from anything good in her life. Yet she told me she don't think a relationship will work. I also found out she had battled depression and anxiety throughout her life and she currently refuses medication and does not go to counseling.

    I have come terms with her being in this state as someone I wouldn't want to try to build a future with. Yet I just am still struggling with not seeing her, having daily phone calls, and just having someone I could have in my life in a relationship type companionship. When things were good they were amazing. But when the emotional rollercoaster came it was hell.

    Every day gets better, and I'm on the uphill. It just feels good getting this off of my chest here.

    Thanks everyone.

  11. #20
    Platinum Member boltnrun's Avatar
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    Good news is, you have all the power to end this. All you have to do is block her number and quit sleeping with her every time she wants you to.

    Yes, it is that easy. No, the emotions won't disappear immediately. But emotions follow actions. If you act as your own best friend instead of your own worst enemy, you will feel better sooner than you think.

    And stop gossiping about her with her friends! It hurts you, plus they run to her with every word you say. Again, don't be your own worst enemy.

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