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Thread: Is there any point doing online dating?

  1. #31
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    Originally Posted by Rose Mosse
    I have. I treat it like any other venue, really. As I'm aging though I'm finding my interests fairly specific and most of them are not found on online dating. As many will attest, it's a lot of screening and rifling through plenty of profiles. At this moment I'd really prefer more to make a B line for my interests in general and happen to meet people who are also doing the same thing.

    There is more than one way to get to the destination. If this isn't working for you, give it a rest. It doesn't mean it's all you or you're the problem. Now might not be the right time. Try something else.
    Yeah I don't think I'm the problem or most people are really, but I think it's just a case of where either me or them is not interested. I think the problem is how much time it takes up but there is no outcome. Even some of my video calls were 1-3 hours long but at the end either me or them just weren't feeling it. Same thing in real life. It begins to feel very tiring because you travel to the date, make a lot of effort to be friendly and keep up engaging conversation for maybe 2-3 hours, then nothing. The reason why I didn't find it as tiring in real life is because usually I went on dates with people I met through friends, events, etc. and the reason why I went on a date in the first place is because we already felt a connection and found each other attractive to begin with, so following that decided to go on a date. With OLD it's the first time you meet them, so you have no idea if there's any click or attraction. I think that's what I find to be the down side but in real life I guess the rate at which you're meeting people is very slow compared to OLD. So I suppose they both have good and bad aspects.

  2. #32
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    Ah OLD, that was certainly exhausting but at the same time interesting / fun when you have a bizarre experience or meet someone fun but has no chemistry. I did OLD for 10 years on and off so kinda like you. Met my husband on OKCupid 5 years ago and the rest was history. A lot of my friends met their partners online, whether it lasted or ended some years later (including one going through divorce right now after meeting online and been together for 8 years).

    One of my single friends currently OLD said she now uses bumble and sheís been dating someone for about 8 or 9 weeks now seems like things are going well. I never had good experience with POF, eHarmony, Match etc, I donít think thereís been much change in that regard from what I heard.

    Meeting people is hard. I felt like keep seeing the same people all the time (youíve either written them off without meeting or youíve met and didnít hit it off), until my husband messaged me, he was new to my city, so new face. But before that it was very fatiguing. I think it actually helped when I raised my standards, instead of giving anyone a go (at a first meet) like I used to do, I decided to be very strict (but only on big issues, values and things) after really thinking over what kind of person I wanted, what kind of personality and values they must have to be a good fit (derived from two failed LTR prior). It made things easier, met less people but they were closer to what I may want. Maybe itís luck, I met my husband within a couple of month after that.

    Itís definitely a process whether online or offline. Keep expectations low while standards high (where it actually counts) and donít forget to have fun :) Good luck!

  3. #33
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    Originally Posted by Tinydance
    Yeah I don't think I'm the problem or most people are really, but I think it's just a case of where either me or them is not interested. I think the problem is how much time it takes up but there is no outcome. Even some of my video calls were 1-3 hours long but at the end either me or them just weren't feeling it. Same thing in real life. It begins to feel very tiring because you travel to the date, make a lot of effort to be friendly and keep up engaging conversation for maybe 2-3 hours, then nothing. The reason why I didn't find it as tiring in real life is because usually I went on dates with people I met through friends, events, etc. and the reason why I went on a date in the first place is because we already felt a connection and found each other attractive to begin with, so following that decided to go on a date. With OLD it's the first time you meet them, so you have no idea if there's any click or attraction. I think that's what I find to be the down side but in real life I guess the rate at which you're meeting people is very slow compared to OLD. So I suppose they both have good and bad aspects.
    I would meet for a quick coffee or a 1hour lunch for a first date instead of dinner or drinks which can last several hours. Do it somewhere convenient for you if possible, like I used to go on lunch dates on work days, so it wasnít inconvenient at all. A drink is fine too if itís with a caveat that you have to leave by x time so youíre not stuck if it doesnít go well.

    In the end I also stopped meeting people who I didnít have reasonably engaging conversations online or ran out of things to talk about online (but only chat online for a short time before meeting, say a week?) that kinda worked out ok when I met them, conversations were at least interesting.

  4. #34
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    Originally Posted by DancingFool
    There is no such thing as online dating - it's nothing more than just another avenue for getting introduced to people you might want to date.

    No different really than meeting a guy at an event and deciding to meet up for a coffee or happy hour another day. Only difference is that online, you see the person's interests, hobbies, etc but you have no idea if you'll have any real life chemistry in person, so it can be a slog. You get excited about meeting a person you have a lot in common with, but then, no chemistry and it's disappointing.

    That said, if you have realistic expectations, don't waste a lot of time chatting online and developing fantasies about that person and instead quickly meet them for a coffee and a chat to see IF there is that real life click, it can be a good way to meet the right person. Certainly has worked for me. Only thing I'd say is that I stuck with more reputable paid sites.
    Yeah I'm using two paid web sites and they're pretty expensive lol I'm trying to use them more than the free ones. I find it a bit annoying because some people want to message a lot online first and I do just want to meet quickly. I message all these guys and even though they're the guy, it's actually usually me that takes charge and asks to actually catch up in real life. Personally I think it's just more time consuming to meet people on OLD. For example, you could go to a Meetup group regularly and just get to know people there and do activities. You can be enjoying the activities and along the way if you click with someone, you could go on a date. I think the chance of that working out is higher than OLD because you already know that person and you know you connected and find them attractive. It might still not go anywhere but there is more to go on than meeting a total stranger.

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  6. #35
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    Originally Posted by lostandhurt
    Tiny,

    I hear you completely. I am fairly successful doing OLD but I felt like I was getting nowhere. I took a break for 2 years and tried to meet women in real life.

    Guess what? Times have changed in real life. So many people are not looking up from their phones and they miss what is going on around them. I felt like the single women (my assumption) that I did try and chat up were so used to OLD they had lost some of the ability to meet in real life without some sort of premise or earlier introduction. I am friendly, okay looking and have no problem talking to anyone but it was a lot harder than it used to be. Maybe it was me...

    Before the pandemic hit I was thinking I would unhide my profiles but instead of just concentrating on OLD I would do both IRL and OLD. I was thinking it would be a lot healthier and increase my chances. Of course my plan has been put on hold until life gets back to some sense of normalcy. What do you think of trying that idea or have you already tried it?

    When we are young everything is wide open in front of us but as life goes along the path narrows, not sure why but I know it does.

    I do know several people that met online and even more that met because their buddy or gf met someone online and then all the combined friends would hang out and then new relationships would form from there. Usually younger people though.

    There is someone out there for for you and I think once the pandemic has subsided there will be a wave of people that will be more serious about finding and being in a real relationship.

    Lost
    Thank you Lost! Yes I think it definitely has become harder being older, also for the reason that a lot of people my age are not single because they're already with someone. I'm 36 in two months so people around my age often are already married and have kids, or they're divorced and don't want marriage again or kids. Also I guess I'm not meeting as many people as I used to when I was younger. For example, when I studied at university I met so many people because you have big lectures and all the social events and everything. And when I used to work at a big department store and there were so many staff there and we would invite each other to parties and go for after work drinks and things like that. I would still prefer to meet people in that way but it's become limited due to my age and life circumstances.

  7. #36
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    Originally Posted by Dalesboy
    Hi Tiny

    I've been thinking exactly the same thing. I too am 35, and I just find the whole thing exhausting. I've sent out many messages to women, always trying to personalise it after reading their profile....and 99% of the time the messages have been ignored. I get it....it's easier to just ignore when you aren't interested. I read somewhere that to do OLD you have to have good self esteem, (which I haven't) so I figure its not the best place for me, although to be fair my self confidence is getting better.

    I find OLD just incredibly shallow....we all tend to judge on a photo.

    2021 I'm determined to get out there and meet people, through socialising with friends etc and see if it leads somewhere.
    Yes I think it can be shallow and in particular with apps which are predominantly based on just swiping, like Tinder. I want to just get out there and socialise too but obviously due to the pandemic that's been quite limited. Only just now starting to ease off, so I'm trying to get out there a bit more.

  8. #37
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    Originally Posted by Batya33
    Several - actually, many. A number who have kids now. But I know it sounds like semantics but one of the keys is not to date online. Only to use the dating sites as a way to meet someone in person ASAP. I had no LTR through dating sites but met some really good people and had a few short term relationships. I used dating sites for about 5 years or so until I was in my late 30s (before that, written personal ads). My husband was on dating sites in between the two times we dated and he's an awesome person, marriage-minded, etc. It's like a part time job but for me it was worth it since my goals were marriage and family. Wouldn't have been worth it just to find people to date.

    Sorry you're struggling with it!
    Thanks! Yeah I definitely try to meet in real life as soon as possible but some people just drag their feet and want to keep messaging online. It's usually me that suggests to actually meet up lol

  9. #38
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    Originally Posted by Dalesboy
    Never have. I use two dating sites (and both paid), one based for those in the UK who live rurally. I've had better success there, but its a small site. The other is match, where my messages have been ignored. I wont be renewing match when the sub runs out.
    Match lets anyone sign up for free, but they have to pay to read your message. I'd assume the bulk of the women you're sending messages to aren't paid members as it was like that the last time I was on there. Before the free swipe apps were all the rage a good enough portion of my messages on match were responded to and some weeks I'd go on 3 dates. It was a ghost town the last time I went on there, well, lots of "members" but none that could see what I sent them.

  10. #39
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    Originally Posted by waffle
    It definitely didn't work for me, mostly because of this reason:



    but many other reasons as well . . . and anyone I know who found someone online hasn't been recently, it's all been 4 or 5 years ago or longer. My conclusion is OLD has "Jumped the Shark" as they say.
    My best friend found her husband on OLD 12 years ago but I also feel like back then maybe people took it more seriously or something. There were no apps or swiping and I don't think there was as much of this notion that there are still hundreds of people out there. With all the dating apps and swiping I think many people feel like they can still do better and find more people, and they don't give people a real chance. It seems like it wasn't that hard to find someone when my parents were young. My parents got married at 20 and they've been married for 38 years now! These days I feel like people seem cautious to settle down or something because they're worried it's not the right person and more people are still out there who are better. They see all these people on dating sites and still want to find more. Like a kid in a candy shop lol I could be wrong but I sometimes just get that impression.

  11. #40
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    Originally Posted by smackie9
    networking with friends family and coworkers, attending social distancing events to meet and greet new people is your best bet. These days it's even worse to navigate the dating scene...may have to wait til there a vaccine.....January maybe?
    For sure I prefer to meet people through real life and that's what always worked for me. I was just thinking that due to being 35 and wanting kids and marriage, meeting in real life can take much longer because you don't meet only single and suitable people in your everyday life. But I never really got much result from OLD so who knows if I ever will lol

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