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Thread: Worried about how my family will treat my girlfriend.

  1. #11
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    "If someone doesn't have perfect teeth they are considered trashy," This is NOT true.

    Why do you repeatedly bring up the "drug user" bit? I would not think that of someone missing their teeth. Have you dated women like this in the past?

    The problem is your family, perhaps you should speak to them first

    I feel for you. Your sister sounds hateful and awful. I would try to keep my distance.
    Last edited by Hollyj; 11-19-2020 at 12:41 PM.

  2. #12
    Platinum Member lostandhurt's Avatar
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    Cynder,

    First off don't make a problem until one exists. You are worrying about what might happen. I agree it is a good idea to have an idea how to handle a situation like this so you are not caught flat footed but I know you well enough to know if these were not your family you would not take any crap about this so treat it the same way.

    Be firm and shut down any rude comments right away. Don't explain anything or try and convince them of anything just remind them that you fell in love with her, not her teeth and if they do not like her then they will not be seeing much of you anymore. Then ask them straight out if they are going to treat her with respect and dignity or not.

    Your sister is the worst kind of person. Gay people have been persecuted for hundreds of years and have worked so hard to be understood and accepted and she is now doing the exact same thing to you and your gf just because you are Bi. Remind her of that.

    I know you are happy to have your gf in your life so don't let anyone rain on that, even your family.

    Give them the benefit of the doubt and if they say something to you then do what I suggested. Usually once you turn things back on a rude judgmental person they don't like the light being shown on their actions and will back down.

    Happy birthday!

    Lost

  3. #13
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    Honestly I think it's fortunate that the rudeness would be later and not during. You're not a captive audience. I agree with not tolerating it after. And don't tell her. If you truly disagree with their criticisms and comments and find them rude this should be easy peasy with the way our technology works, especially since you're forewarned/expecting it.

  4. #14
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    Born and raised in the United States, and I could care less if your teeth aren't perfect or even missing. Making a blanket statement like that is weird. And unless it's her job like acting, modeling, or being a dentist, don't worry about her teeth.

    I hope you do realize your mom and sister being petty or vain has nothing to do with the other person they are making fun of - it has everything to do with their own insecurities. They feel ugly all the time, and instead deflect on focusing on other people's looks. So F-em. If they say anything to you, just ignore, don't reply, or if they call, tell them to , and hang up the phone. And if they pull you aside, tell them to F-OFF, and leave the room. And if you don't like cursing, say back, "you're not one to talk," and go about your life.

    If you love your girl, that's all you need - that and a backbone. Don't get caught up in their drama.

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  6. #15
    Platinum Member Lambert's Avatar
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    I'd probably just be ready to defend her and leave.

    If they make comments after, I'd put them in their place. who are they to judge? they should be ashamed of themselves putting someone you care about down.

    Honestly they sound pretty rude which is uglier than any broken smile.

  7. #16
    Platinum Member browneyedgirl36's Avatar
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    If you're certain they won't say anything to her face, I would leave it alone unless/until they bring it up with you afterward. If/When they do, shut it down immediately by saying something like "I'd appreciate it if you kept your judgements about [insert name here]'s appearance to yourself. It is not your business, and I am not going to discuss it with you. Please respect my wishes" and leave it at that.

    I had to do something similar a few years ago -- but I did it pre-emptively -- when some family members with VERY divergent political views were coming to Thanksgiving dinner. My parents (very staunchly on one side of the political spectrum) and my brother-in-law (very staunchly on the other side) both have difficulty NOT stirring things up (my parents because they can be a bit clueless about some things and my bro-in-law because he likes trolling people, for some reason). It was just after the 2016 election, and I informed them all, in advance, that I didn't want to hear ANY of it -- I didn't want any of them bringing up the election or talking about politics AT ALL in my house. They all agreed. One of them did end up bringing it up in passing, once, and I said, calmly but firmly, "We're not talking about this today," and we changed the subject.

    Being firm -- shutting them down immediately when they say something - is the best way to go in my opinion. Setting boundaries is crucial, and telling your mom and sister you're not discussing/don't want to hear anything about it as soon as they bring it up is probably your best bet.

  8. #17
    Platinum Member browneyedgirl36's Avatar
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    Originally Posted by Hollyj
    "If someone doesn't have perfect teeth they are considered trashy," This is NOT true.

    Why do you repeatedly bring up the "drug user" bit? I would not think that of someone missing their teeth. Have you dated women like this in the past?

    The problem is your family, perhaps you should speak to them first

    I feel for you. Your sister sounds hateful and awful. I would try to keep my distance.
    I see your point, but...there are a lot of people who DO associate missing/broken/otherwise "bad" teeth with drug use, being "low class," etc. I have heard/seen a lot of "hillbilly" and "meth head" jokes about people with less-than-perfect teeth, and I remember when my mom had lost a couple of teeth (and put off getting them fixed because of severe anxiety about having a major procedure), she NEVER smiled because she knew people would ask "What happened to your teeth?" and people actually did. I 've had students who dealt with this as well. I'm not generalizing that all Americans think this about teeth -- of course they don't -- but it's prevalent enough that a lot of people are very self-conscious about it.

    That said, I agree with you about the sister. Yikes. Reading stuff like this makes me very grateful for my sister!

  9. #18
    Platinum Member Cynder's Avatar
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    Originally Posted by browneyedgirl36
    I see your point, but...there are a lot of people who DO associate missing/broken/otherwise "bad" teeth with drug use, being "low class," etc. I have heard/seen a lot of "hillbilly" and "meth head" jokes about people with less-than-perfect teeth, and I remember when my mom had lost a couple of teeth (and put off getting them fixed because of severe anxiety about having a major procedure), she NEVER smiled because she knew people would ask "What happened to your teeth?" and people actually did. I 've had students who dealt with this as well. I'm not generalizing that all Americans think this about teeth -- of course they don't -- but it's prevalent enough that a lot of people are very self-conscious about it.

    That said, I agree with you about the sister. Yikes. Reading stuff like this makes me very grateful for my sister!

    Yea, A LOT of people think this way unfortunately. I used to work with drug addicts. A lot of habitual meth users are missing teeth. And meth is a huge problem in my area right now. So sadly, missing or broken teeth are stereotyped that way. When my Om and my sister saw one of my employees was missing a tooth there was a whole conversation about how sorry I would be when the methhead I hired steals all my money, etc. My employee is not a methhead or any kind of drug user. She just has a deficiency that caused her to lose a tooth. And it was just as upsetting that they think I would hire a methehead to work for me.

    My gf tried online dating before her and I got together. We met organically, not on a dating site. She is absolutely stunning. She is 5'9'' and has a body like a runway model, long legs, etc. She has dark wavy hair to the middle of her back and really pretty blue eyes. So she attracted attention online, being so good looking. but there were people who just straight up stopped being interested at all when they found out about her teeth. That's pretty sad.

  10. #19
    Platinum Member catfeeder's Avatar
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    I also wonder if I should say something about it to them beforehand. Like, "Hey, I don't want to hear comments about her teeth. SHe's not a drug user and she takes care of herself. Lay off."
    Maybe, but I wouldn't be so confrontational. For my own head, if it were my mom and sis, I'd speak with each of them separately and say something mild, like, "Just a word to you because I know how you feel about teeth. You're meeting Girlfriend'sName before her mouth surgery, so I'd consider it a personal favor if you'd not notice should she have any trouble eating. It's sensitive, so please don't discuss this while she's there."

    This is not a lie, and it covers all bases up front to prompt discretion.

  11. #20
    Platinum Member Cherylyn's Avatar
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    Originally Posted by Cynder
    I seriously doubt they will be rude to her. They will.most likely be rude to me later on about the two things I mentioned in my post.

    She is fine with it. She actually wants to get to know them better.
    If you doubt your mother and sister will be rude to her, then "if it ain't broke, don't fix it." If they're rude to you later, deal with them then. Tell them the truth about your girlfriend not being able to afford to fix her teeth at this time and meanwhile, she's saving up for her future dental expenditures. Be honest. Omit the part about "poor hygiene" and "drug addict" because you're calling attention to unnecessary suspicions. Don't add fuel to the fire. Tell the truth, keep it brief and say no more.

    As for your sister, learn to ignore her and live your own life. Whenever she starts her rant about your lifestyle choices, walk away. You don't have to sit through it. Let her talk to a wall for all you care.

    If your girlfriend is fine with it and wants to get them know better, then allow the two parties to get acquainted. Keep encounters brief and never drag visits out. Enforce healthy boundaries for everyone.

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