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Thread: Trust issues for no reason!

  1. #1
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    Trust issues for no reason!

    Hello first time poster!


    I have been with my partner several months now and he's fantastic, he really is. The other week I found a stupid comment on someones instagram profile who i also follow (yes, a stupid instagram model) after a few days I approached him about it, (in fact, i said i saw something on instagram, and he knew instantly and we spoke about it and it really was nothing)

    However, I cannot let it go, and last week I looked through his inbox. I KNOW I KNOW (i'll accept the abuse) Of course I found nothing. nothing at all. Im not actually angry about the situation anymore im just angry at my actions and how stupid I feel.


    I just can't shake the horrible feeling and I know i made it worse by snooping. Yesterday I said I still feel strange, and he said, well what can we do about it? its clearly something with confidence, and we can get you help if you need it.

    SOrry if this makes no sense, but in my heart I know I can trust him but my head keeps saying stupid things. I want them to stop.

    Again sorry if this is making no sense but I just want to shake this stupid feeling.


    Thanks.

  2. #2
    Platinum Member lostandhurt's Avatar
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    Welcome to ENA

    Where do you think these insecurities are coming from?

    Have you been cheated on in the past and you think it is only a matter of time?

    Do you think he is so out of your league that you don't deserve a guy like him?

    Obviously he is pretty open and has no problem discussing issues with you so that is a really good thing. Frankly it isn't his job to fix this since as you have said it is in your mind.

    Someone on here once said if you snoop long enough you will find something to get upset about. Do want to find a problem?

    Lost

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    I have been cheated on in the past, and I have worked on my issues and I got to a really good place mentally,

    I use the A HA technique. Acknowledge, Halt, and Act.

    He's such a good guy and he is so open which is great. I won't ever snoop again. last night he recieved a message on instagram when he was showing me something on watsapp, I froze, I thought I didn't react but he knew instantly and said, if you carry on like this I will hide my phone and that will just make you think i AM doing something. I think its an irrational fear to know everything which clearly I need to work on.


    I really don't want to push him away. I just can't seem to get past this ridiculous feeling and its driving me crazy!

    Many Thanks for your reply!

    Also I am 31 and he's 44 and we have discussed the different weight ages put on social media!

  4. #4
    Platinum Member DancingFool's Avatar
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    Seems like what this situation is showing you is that when push comes to shove, you are not at all in a good place mentally, haven't actually dealt with the damage from your past and the technique you are using isn't actually working for you in practice.

    In fact, your behavior and reactions are so over the top, that you really do need to seek out trauma counseling. You might have felt fine outside of a relationship, but being in one is bringing all your fears and trauma right back up. It doesn't mean that you need to be single for life, it means that you will need to get some help and put a lot more work into healing yourself.

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  6. #5
    Platinum Member lostandhurt's Avatar
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    Nobody wants to see their bf/gf hit on by someone else. They don't want somebody flirting with them or showing any kind of interest because that is a threat to the relationship and it triggers a primal reaction. But your reactions are extreme. For example, It is okay not liking that a woman at his work seems overly friendly but going over the top about it is bad.

    Social media needs to be renamed to UnSocial media because of all the problems it causes!!! There is more unsocial behavior than ever.

    He sees what you are doing and although he sounds like an understanding guy in time he will start resenting the untrusting behavior. Every time you react or say something to him you are saying "I don't trust you"

    I dated a wonderful, drop dead gorgeous and loving woman for about 18 months and I thought I was the luckiest man alive and I had finally found the person I had dreamt about. Unfortunately she had trust issues and was insecure. I am okay looking and women would smile and say hi to me when we were walking together in the store or anywhere and she would get really tense about it. I could see she was trying not to react but it was right there on the surface. We talked about it many times and I told her I take it as she doesn't trust me and she would say "I trust you, I just don't trust them" It was like I had no self control and if any pretty woman came up to me I would forget about my gf and my promise to be exclusive. What was ironic in all this was she was stunning with a fantastic figure and had guys hitting on her all the time whether I was nearby or not. She even got mad at me once because I trusted her so much and she thought jealousy was a sign of love. I had to put my foot down and tell her it had to stop or we were done.
    I pride myself on my honesty and loving someone as much as I loved her but not being trusted by her was a bridge to far. Don't put your guy in a position to have to hide innocent things from you so you will not get triggered.

    There is a way out of this but you may need help.

    Lost

  7. #6
    Platinum Member LaHermes's Avatar
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    So absolutely true Lost.

    "Social media needs to be renamed to UnSocial media because of all the problems is causes!!! There is more unsocial behavior than ever."

    Yes, jealousy is about the insecurities of the jealous people, not about the love they have for their partner. It's a sign of low self-esteem and neuroticism.


    It is about the insecurities of the jealous people, not about the love they have for their partner.

  8. #7
    Platinum Member Lambert's Avatar
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    Have to weigh in my agreement with the others.

    This is on you. You are not as healed as you think.

    You can't blame a healthy, trust worthy person for not wanting to deal with a partner that is not in the same wave length.

    But I will also add, I don't like his response being I will hide my phone. like what is that?

    Before you go self diagnosing yourself as the problem, make sure in fact you're not being too hard on yourself.

    Snooping is wrong but do you have reason? You're here for a reason. And like many other posters "my partner is really great in every other way" just doesn't pass the sniff test with me.

    You probably should talk to a therapist or your doctor to see if you do in fact need some support sorting yourself out.

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    Hi OP,

    You need to remind yourself that heís not the same person as your ex who cheated. Think of this journey as a story and your ex was a chapter ago. Now youíve started a brand new chapter that will have a different plot with different characters. What youíre doing is rewriting in this fresh new story the consequences of the past. Itís going to taint this whole new story for you if you keep referring backwards to what was written before.

    You need to come at this relationship and person as a clean slate. If you canít trust him you have no basis for a relationship. Maybe you need to heal some more, or more therapy.

  10. #9
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    I think your spidy senses are up. As bad as snooping is, you are picking up on something that is off. If your relationship was solid, you wouldn't be as insecure. Something as simple as hiding the phone one time. New clothes. New exercise or eating regimen. A little less affection. A little less affirmation. Speaking as someone who's been there and on the other side. There are changes you don't directly notice, but completely notice. It's very healthy to do a check in at least one a year on how things are going. Short term goals, long term goals. Nothing wrong with being clear on your expectations.

    Every time I have had a massive urge to snoop, they were in fact cheating. So don't ignore instincts. To clarify, did someone or he made a stupid comment on an Instagram model's page?

    Discuss how cheating hurts. Be clear on your no-gos and what is and isn't acceptable.

  11. #10
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    Originally Posted by MannyDac2204
    The other week I found a stupid comment on someones instagram profile who i also follow .
    What was the comment, exactly?

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