Facebook share
LinkedIn share
Google plus share
Twitter plus share
Give Advice
Ask For Advice
Page 3 of 3 FirstFirst 123
Results 21 to 28 of 28

Thread: Trust issues for no reason!

  1. #21
    Member
    Join Date
    Nov 2020
    Posts
    7
    Originally Posted by boltnrun
    When you get to the point where you feel you have the "right" to see all the messages your SO receives, it's time to step away. And I don't buy into that old, tired "he shouldn't have a problem letting me see his messages if he has nothing to hide!!!" I would go ballistic if a man I'm involved with insisted on reading all my messages. If the trust is that badly damaged, why remain in the relationship?
    I agree completely, he stopped the comments, i've told him i'm on here and he's very supportive over it. I said to him yesterday "I don't need to know everyone that messages you and i dont want to" but i think i was actually telling myself that haha.

    he's asked a few times how I am, because really what is infuriating me, it is this ONE THING. his watsapp goes off, i dont flinch, FB i dont flinch, but because i saw something on ONE APP. Do I think he's having a ridiculous love affair on instgaram? no, my heart doesn't. and when I get to that place of calm, that little saboteur says "what about this...." and if i get carried away with it, i end up thinking i'm with the devil with a friendship group and management team who are all in this together to make me a joke!! The trouble im having is acknowledging its ridiculous but unable to stop it. I don't believe what I think but the pain and emotions still get triggered.


    it's also maybe worth mentioning we are both men. He's 44 i'm 31. I'm English, He's spanish and I live here now.

    It feels so good to be able to write whatever I want here.

    I didnt know forums were still so active!

    Thank you!

  2. #22
    Platinum Member boltnrun's Avatar
    Join Date
    Jan 2015
    Posts
    14,520
    Why do you believe you are "'unable' to stop it"?

    People generally do things because they get something out of it. What are you getting out of stirring up all this drama? Are you seeking for him to reassure you, tell you he loves you, make promises to you? What is the reward you want from him?

    You do realize there are healthier ways for him to show his love for you, correct? And that if you continue down this path you will lose him, correct?

    Do you want this relationship to continue? If so, why are you trying to destroy it?

  3. #23
    Member
    Join Date
    Nov 2020
    Posts
    7
    The drama is internal, I'm trying to work a way out of stopping it.

    He's so open it's like nothing I've ever experienced before and I'm trying to stop these issues

  4. #24
    Platinum Member boltnrun's Avatar
    Join Date
    Jan 2015
    Posts
    14,520
    Originally Posted by MannyDac2204
    The drama is internal, I'm trying to work a way out of stopping it.

    He's so open it's like nothing I've ever experienced before and I'm trying to stop these issues
    What are you doing to "try" to stop it?

    I like the Yoda approach..."Do or do not. There is no 'try'".

  5.  

  6. #25
    Platinum Member Rose Mosse's Avatar
    Join Date
    Mar 2019
    Posts
    4,551
    That's tough. I'm not sure how you reverse that compulsion to think or do those things. Would it help to think of things in a state of equilibrium of sorts? So you have these addictive and obsessive thoughts believing that he may be doing something behind your back. The counter to that is... well, so what?

    It's the 'so what' that would turn the thought process of constantly thinking negative things or self-sabotaging for me. You seem to have him on a huge pedestal too. "He's so open like nothing I've ever experienced" but no one is perfect or great all the time. People do have flaws, they forget things, sometimes they get tired, upset or they just don't feel themselves. Imho, you have him too much on a pedestal to think clearly and as a result you're also putting so much pressure on yourself to prove to yourself that you deserve him.

    I'd take back all of that, rewind, dial it down and just practice the 'so what' mentality. He may be a very good partner but I don't think you need to wind yourself up like this.

  7. #26
    Member
    Join Date
    Nov 2020
    Posts
    7
    Originally Posted by Rose Mosse
    That's tough. I'm not sure how you reverse that compulsion to think or do those things. Would it help to think of things in a state of equilibrium of sorts? So you have these addictive and obsessive thoughts believing that he may be doing something behind your back. The counter to that is... well, so what?

    It's the 'so what' that would turn the thought process of constantly thinking negative things or self-sabotaging for me. You seem to have him on a huge pedestal too. "He's so open like nothing I've ever experienced" but no one is perfect or great all the time. People do have flaws, they forget things, sometimes they get tired, upset or they just don't feel themselves. Imho, you have him too much on a pedestal to think clearly and as a result you're also putting so much pressure on yourself to prove to yourself that you deserve him.

    I'd take back all of that, rewind, dial it down and just practice the 'so what' mentality. He may be a very good partner but I don't think you need to wind yourself up like this.

    Thank you! This is something I will try. I do have those moments of "so what" and I think you're right about the pedestal! I'll try and let you know how it goes! Thanks!

  8. 11-20-2020, 09:16 AM

  9. #27
    Platinum Member lostandhurt's Avatar
    Join Date
    Mar 2008
    Location
    California
    Age
    56
    Posts
    8,173
    Gender
    Male
    The first step in fixing a problem is identifying it which you have done. Just because you know what is broken on your car doesn't mean you know how to fix it right? This is no different.

    This is where a therapist would be of great help. You know what the problem is so you could literally sit down and tell them I need help with XYZ. Barring that keep posting, there are a lot of people on here that have either been through what you are going through or have helped others in your situation.

    If you do not feel secure in the relationship or any relationship then these things will continue to creep in. Figure out when you first started having these issues and that could be a good starting point to conquering them.

    Keep posting

    Lost

  10. #28
    Member
    Join Date
    Nov 2020
    Posts
    7
    Originally Posted by lostandhurt
    The first step in fixing a problem is identifying it which you have done. Just because you know what is broken on your car doesn't mean you know how to fix it right? This is no different.

    This is where a therapist would be of great help. You know what the problem is so you could literally sit down and tell them I need help with XYZ. Barring that keep posting, there are a lot of people on here that have either been through what you are going through or have helped others in your situation.

    If you do not feel secure in the relationship or any relationship then these things will continue to creep in. Figure out when you first started having these issues and that could be a good starting point to conquering them.

    Keep posting

    Lost

    Hello everyone, Had a much better week this week, someone reccommended a book called why do i do it? It just arrived today! Thanks everyone and I will keep you updated, if you're interested haha

Page 3 of 3 FirstFirst 123

Videos


Maintaining A Strong Relationship

Detaching From a Malignant Man

Divorced Parents Prefer Technology and Social Media As Communication Tool

Wedding Jitters Could Be a Predictor for a Future Divorce

Botox Fights Depression And Makes You Feel Happier

Men Are More Sensitive than Women when Having Relationship Problems
Give Advice
Ask For Advice

Tags for this Thread

Posting Permissions

  • You may not post new threads
  • You may not post replies
  • You may not post attachments
  • You may not edit your posts
  •