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Thread: Trust issues for no reason!

  1. #11
    Platinum Member Rose Mosse's Avatar
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    It doesn't sound like you feel comfortable with him. I would use this as a time of reflection and come to a decision on whether you are really with someone you can trust at all or if you do want to work on yourself. I'm not keen either on his response to you about hiding his phone. That would raise some red flags or an eyebrow at the very least. He seems unstable and impatient with you.

    If he knows you're dealing with issues of insecurity and anxiety, I would think a partner might be a little more understanding and watch comments like that instead of instigating you further. If he has a problem with you he can discuss it or bring up options of working through the relationship in a way that helps you feel supported and loved. If you disagree, that's your choice. If you agree, at least you have a partner who does NOT throw fuel over the fire.

    I think you should reevaluate the relationship and see whether you have incompatibilities regarding social media or your lifestyle differences in general. It means nothing if a person is considerate and loving in some aspects and rude or callous in others.

  2. #12
    Bronze Member quark's Avatar
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    You can take what I have to say with a grain of salt, since I certainly have my own issues. Just wanted to say that I can relate to the snooping and subsequent crappy feelings over it. Something in me just needs to know.

    That being said, I think it's okay to feel hurt by whatever comment it was that you saw. And then of course, feeling that may have brought up your past hurt & paranoia from being cheated on. And then before you know it you are sinking into this quicksand of not only having these feelings, cursing yourself for having them and feeling even worse.

    Does him following insta models bother you? (It would bother me) Do yourself a favor and stop following them, too. I don't want to say they are like cancer.. but, they are just not good. It's common knowledge that the fecal matter they post is not indicative of real life or real bodies whatsoever.

  3. #13
    Platinum Member DancingFool's Avatar
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    The way I read what her bf said, is that he was upset about her getting tense over nothing and pointed out that if he is open with his phone, it will cause a problem and if he puts his phone away, it will also create the same problem. His point was simply that no matter what he does, the OP will get triggered. It's a lose/lose situation for him that he cannot solve on the OP's behalf.

    That's actually a very sane, normal, and rational reaction to the OP's behavior. The problem is hers and hers alone and she needs to find a way to deal with it better or else, she will indeed lose this relationship. There is only so much that he will put up with before he walks away and it seems to me that he is actually being very clear that he is not going to play appeasement games.

    That's really always the catch. Healthy people will not tolerate unhealthy behavior for long and will walk away. Which will leave you with those who are unhealthy, aka cheaters, players, predators. The very people you fear. It's on you to fix yourself before you scare off normal sane people.

    A healthy person might be willing to humor some insecurity and issues, but if you continually assassinate their character and loyalty because you haven't deal with your past, they will walk away from you as that is the only rational solution to the problem. You can't fix insecurities and past trauma through appeasement and walking on eggshells, trying to change your life and behaviors, monitoring what you say and how, lest you trigger your SO in some way. That's not a relationship, that's a toxic mess.

  4. #14
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    I have no idea about cheating, but I do know that sometimes our mind plays tricks on us. We think the worst of situations or imagine issues that don't even exist.

    Maybe step back and reflect on what's triggering you to think of the worst and what you can do to shift your thoughts?

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  6. #15
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    Originally Posted by quark
    You can take what I have to say with a grain of salt, since I certainly have my own issues. Just wanted to say that I can relate to the snooping and subsequent crappy feelings over it. Something in me just needs to know.

    That being said, I think it's okay to feel hurt by whatever comment it was that you saw. And then of course, feeling that may have brought up your past hurt & paranoia from being cheated on. And then before you know it you are sinking into this quicksand of not only having these feelings, cursing yourself for having them and feeling even worse.

    Does him following insta models bother you? (It would bother me) Do yourself a favor and stop following them, too. I don't want to say they are like cancer.. but, they are just not good. It's common knowledge that the fecal matter they post is not indicative of real life or real bodies whatsoever.
    You are right, and he said, over the past week or so, he's scared to open his phone because he thinks i'll get angry.

    Also the comments were RIDICULOUS, like "MY DREAM, MY DESIRE" which is what He and his friends post on these models because thats exactly that they want, he said its like A movie for him, he uses instagram as a joke, and its a public wall and he knows people will see. This is not his ususal way of talking. I also said it makes me feel uncomfortable, and he said, Okay I'll stop.

    and obviously I stupidly snooped and found nothing, jsut confirmation of the truth he told me, I think this is why im feeling how i am, angry I didn't trust. I said that Okay, this is what I CAN SEE, what about what I cant... and he said, this is a war you have with yourself, What can I do to make you feel better?

    Also - its worth noting, he's spanish and I'm English and the comments were in English and so some of them don't translate exactly the same.


    I've woken up feeling much better today, and started meditating again and trying to control the thoughts.

    The more I type about it the more silly I feel about reacting. I know some people will disagree with the comments but my reaction made him stop. He;s been very open. I'm hurting both of us because I can't hide my moods (even though im a professional actor) and he's very sensitive to peoples moods.

    Just as an over view of our realtionship

    I was having money problems due to covid - so he suggested I move in and if the money problems end, I can deicde to stay or leave (i stayed)
    I have met all of his friends, and they always invite me to things if he cant make it
    I have met all the family and regularly get messages from them asking how I am, and how happy they are we are together,
    He's never cheated.
    We collect eachother from work every day if the other isn't working.
    We cook for eachother every night.
    We are very happy and I saw this one thing, he was open about it, knew before that THAT's what I was angry about, stopped, I STILL SNOOPED, found nothing.

    He also said that he had an ex who hacked into all his social medias before and he knew, so he sent messages to people knowing they would be seen.

    I jsut dont want to go down that route, and writing this has made me realise that I have work to do on myself, and he agrees and that whatever he can do, or if its professional help I need we can look for that.

    Thanks everyone. I dont want this to sound like i'm saying he's perfect, but if he's being honest and I stil feel like this, the problem really is mine. He's listened three times, I think after four it may start to chip away!

    Thanks again.

  7. #16
    Platinum Member Wiseman2's Avatar
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    How long after you started dating did you move in? Do you have friends and family near by?

    Is it possible for you to get more work or a side hussle in order to be busier and get some money together so that it's about the relationship between you working rather than a place to live?

    Try not to drag your past around with you into the present and the future.

    You really don't need anxiety management for social media posts, but getting your financial and professional life back in order would help you tremendously in playing on a more level playing field.

    Is it possible you feel beholden to him for taking you in?

  8. #17
    Platinum Member Rose Mosse's Avatar
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    You can learn to curb your impulses. It's called impulse control. I tend to agree that an individual who lacks at lot this will get sucked into minor issues and non-problems easily. It still doesn't wipe away the fact that his instagram posts are dumb or immature.

    I've been in good and bad relationships, ones where there is a great degree of respect and others where incompatibilities or inconsistencies just lead to confusion and resentment. It depends on you - whether you want to date someone who makes comments like those. Maybe he has a group of really immature dudes who goad each other on and dare each other to make macho, derogatory or stupid comments about women publicly. That would absolutely rub me the wrong way. You decide what you want in your life and who you want in your life.

    Keep working on yourself but please, don't be a doormat, or assume everything that's wrong is you. I think your self-worth is very low. Like Wiseman, I have those similar questions. Maybe getting back on your own two feet and feeling less obligated will also improve the way you see yourself.

  9. #18
    Platinum Member lostandhurt's Avatar
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    Originally Posted by DancingFool
    The way I read what her bf said, is that he was upset about her getting tense over nothing and pointed out that if he is open with his phone, it will cause a problem and if he puts his phone away, it will also create the same problem. His point was simply that no matter what he does, the OP will get triggered. It's a lose/lose situation for him that he cannot solve on the OP's behalf.

    That's actually a very sane, normal, and rational reaction to the OP's behavior. The problem is hers and hers alone and she needs to find a way to deal with it better or else, she will indeed lose this relationship. There is only so much that he will put up with before he walks away and it seems to me that he is actually being very clear that he is not going to play appeasement games.

    That's really always the catch. Healthy people will not tolerate unhealthy behavior for long and will walk away. Which will leave you with those who are unhealthy, aka cheaters, players, predators. The very people you fear. It's on you to fix yourself before you scare off normal sane people.

    A healthy person might be willing to humor some insecurity and issues, but if you continually assassinate their character and loyalty because you haven't deal with your past, they will walk away from you as that is the only rational solution to the problem. You can't fix insecurities and past trauma through appeasement and walking on eggshells, trying to change your life and behaviors, monitoring what you say and how, lest you trigger your SO in some way. That's not a relationship, that's a toxic mess.
    ^^^
    Genius
    Read this over and over again.
    The one thing you don't want to happen will happen if you continue with this behavior. You will lose him to someone else because he will break up with you and eventually meet someone new. This is the kind of guy you want in your life so rise to the challenge and seek therapy in some shape or form to help you deal with your insecurities and mistrust issues.

    Lost

    PS Good on you for admitting your part in all this. If you can figure this one thing out it looks like you are going to be really good together.

  10. #19
    Bronze Member quark's Avatar
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    The conditions for which you moved in and became closer are a little concerning, like Wiseman mentioned. I notice you keep putting the blame all on yourself for having these feelings. In my opinion, it's not something you need to control or meditate away. He did something that hurt you, and I don't think you are being crazy by mentioning it. If I saw my boyfriend comment "my dream, my desire" on some chick's photo I'd lose it. It's about respect for the one you love. Don't get me started on the "it's a joke" line.

    I would be curious to know exactly what he meant by that, and what sort of conversation you had about it. If you've told him that behavior hurts you and he still does it (or doesn't acknowledge it), he is disrespecting you & the relationship.

    last night he recieved a message on instagram when he was showing me something on watsapp, I froze, I thought I didn't react but he knew instantly and said, if you carry on like this I will hide my phone and that will just make you think i AM doing something.
    ^^Sorry I didn't notice this tidbit the first time around. That kind of thing makes me go hmmm. I feel like he blew whatever reaction you had out of proportion to purposefully make you feel crazy and bad about your feelings. Did you get to see who the message was from? Just speaking personally, I know that the only messages my boyfriend receives are from family & friends. Definitely not from randos on instagram.

    Edit: I realize my post contradicts some things that others are saying. It is, of course, important to "check yourself" and be real with yourself. Don't lose yourself or become a doormat, though.

  11. #20
    Platinum Member boltnrun's Avatar
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    When you get to the point where you feel you have the "right" to see all the messages your SO receives, it's time to step away. And I don't buy into that old, tired "he shouldn't have a problem letting me see his messages if he has nothing to hide!!!" I would go ballistic if a man I'm involved with insisted on reading all my messages. If the trust is that badly damaged, why remain in the relationship?

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