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Thread: Mistrustful boyfriend accusing me of cheating

  1. #1

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    Mistrustful boyfriend accusing me of cheating

    Good morning!

    Longtime lurker but my first time posting here. Have any of you ever dealt with a mistrustful or insecure/paranoid SO? What did you do?

    My boyfriend and I have been together for 8 months and were friends for a couple months before that. I knew from the start that he had a rough, abusive childhood and his last girlfriend cheated, and he admitted that he had trust issues. I didnít know how bad those issues were until a few months after we moved in together (his lease had just ended so we just quarantined together).

    He frequently sees ďred flagsĒ and jumps into accusing me of cheating before asking me about it.

    - While looking up something on my phone, he somehow found a Plenty of Fish account deletion site and accused me of using dating apps while we were together. I deleted all my dating apps once we became boyfriend and girlfriend. To boot, I never used POF, so I have no idea how it got on my phone. There was no other POF sites visited in my browser history, and it wasnít in my app list in the 2+ years I had my last phone. He thought I had deleted POF in my history and still chooses to believe that I was on dating apps during our relationship.

    - A guy I went on a few dates with 2 years ago called me out of the blue, and he thought it was someone Iíd been talking to this whole time. In reality, Iíd blocked this guy early last year and he got a new number to call me on, and tried to act like nothing had happened. I told this guy to go away and leave me alone when he called and I had to ask three times who was calling. I showed BF my call logs and blocked texts and he let it go then, but occasionally he will still bring it up during an argument.

    - He saw me texting an old male coworker, just small talk about his family and a recent vacation Iíd been on. Again, he got insecure and demanded to know who the guy was and why I felt the need to keep in touch with this old coworker. Granted, this coworker admitted he had a crush on me (even though he was married), so I cut off ties with him anyway.

    - Recently he found a sweater in some corner of my apartment that wasnít his and demanded to know who it belonged to. I had never seen that sweater before and he thought it was suspicious that I had no explanation, but I really didnít. My only thought was that my ex left it there, but I have no way to verify as I no longer have his number. Or I accidentally grabbed it from the communal laundry room and didnít notice, and hung it up thinking it was his.

    When he gets into these jealous moods, he starts questioning everything I do, even if Iím visiting my mom for a few hours after work...he will say something like ďwho knows if thatís where you really areĒ. He also accuses me of lying because I stumble over some of my words and talk fast. Thatís because he comes at me in an accusatory tone and angry, and instantly puts me on the defensive. It doesnít help that he generally has a short fuse, either.

    When he isnít in these moods, heís a lot of fun and very loving and sweet, helps around the house and also helps out financially.

    I used to be very insecure and a little paranoid too so I get it, but Iím actively working on it. Iím also a little forgetful and donít always pay attention to what Iím doing, so sometimes I really donít know where a certain item or piece of clothing came from, if it isnít mine. Especially in the past few months as Iíve had a lot going on at work and in my persons life.

    Any advice? Appreciate the time taken to read this and reply!

  2. #2
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    Originally Posted by galian84
    Have any of you ever dealt with a mistrustful or insecure/paranoid SO? What did you do?
    Yep. I dumped him.

    I don't have the time, patience or lack of self-respect to have my dignity and integrity dragged through the mud over and over. His issues were his to deal with. I had no intention of enabling them, and I was not going to stand for having my character assassinated for no reason.

  3. #3
    Platinum Member Wiseman2's Avatar
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    Sorry to hear this. Have you read up on the red flags for abusive/controlling relationships? Is there a way you can give him notice and ask him to leave?

    You are waking on eggs defending yourself for no reason. Unfortunately he became an abuser, perhaps he learned how from his family.

    Tell trusted friends and family what's going on. Red up on abusive relationships and pathological jealousy/possessiveness. Quick involvement is another red flag, such as moving into your place.

    You may want to deny that this is abusive to survive and try to "fix it", but the longer he stays the more damage to you there will be.

  4. #4
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    I dated someone like this short term and it was one reason I stopped dating him - in the 6 weeks we dated non-exclusively he made comments about the number of business cards he saw in my purse, asked intrusive questions about where I was going/what I was doing, and tracked me when he saw me on the dating site we met on (he was on there too -we were not exclusively dating). He "apologized" 3 weeks in, we talked about the therapy he was getting and it was fine for about a week and then restarted. So -- nope, not gonna go further with that kind of red flag In my experience -vicarious -it only gets worse.

    Why is he helping you financially? I think that makes it worse in the sense that he probably thinks you "owe him" - please remove yourself from this situation.

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  6. #5
    Platinum Member Lambert's Avatar
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    Originally Posted by MissCanuck
    Yep. I dumped him.

    I don't have the time, patience or lack of self-respect to have my dignity and integrity dragged through the mud over and over. His issues were his to deal with. I had no intention of enabling them, and I was not going to stand for having my character assassinated for no reason.
    I agree.... Ok. So he's been cheated on. That's not an excuse to act like this. He needs to work on himself, not become Robocop on you.

    I would put my foot down on this. If he really feels he can't trust you and you're not what you say you are, why is he with you?

    You've tried to be patient and understand him. when is he going to do that for you?

    Also pitching in with chores and financials, being fun to be with are the bare minimum. You can find that in someone without his issues.

  7. #6
    Platinum Member LaHermes's Avatar
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    Here it is Galian:

    "It doesnít help that he generally has a short fuse, either.
    "


    I full endorse what the other poster have said.

    In fact, he sounds rather unstable and is abusive.

    You need to end this situation OP, and quickly.

  8. #7
    Platinum Member melancholy123's Avatar
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    I'd be gone so fast you wouldn't see me for the dust. Why are you putting up with this?

  9. #8
    Forum Supporter ~Seraphim ~'s Avatar
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    You ditch people like that.

  10. #9
    Platinum Member Rose Mosse's Avatar
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    Are you looking to vent or are you intending to work through the relationship and stay together?

    The post lists a lot of negative points about your boyfriend that most people would find alarming. You've clearly thought about it quite a lot. Why not do the obvious and break up with him? What's preventing you from moving on?

    To answer your question, I left the relationship. He wasn't willing to seek help for his depression, paranoia and psychotic episodes. He was frequently negative and I was suspected of many things I didn't do. He had regular breakdowns, usually 1-2 times a year where the paranoia was frantic and he couldn't control himself. I frequently felt invisible and disillusioned even though I cared about him. I do know that mental health had a strong role to play.

    Demonizing him isn't going to help because I think he himself needs help for his paranoia. If he refuses that, you need to think about yourself and what type of life you want to live.

    For me, I'll never see the world the same again because of what I saw or how I saw another person could suffer, as a product of their own issues. At first I was anxious also and I've left that anxiety from that relationship behind and snapped back to my regular self. I am frequently happy by nature and see the good in things easily. I am so glad to be back.

    Take care of yourself.

  11. #10
    Platinum Member smackie9's Avatar
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    Sorry but you can fix him, he needs therapy....all these things that have happened to him have given him PTSD. It will probably take years for him to get back to being able to have a normal relationship. At this point you need to end it. If you don't the accusations and whatnot may lead to abuse..he will start to separate you from friends, isolate you, won't let you go out, monitor your phone, who you talk to, etc. Been there done that.

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