Mistrustful boyfriend accusing me of cheating

Good morning!

Longtime lurker but my first time posting here. Have any of you ever dealt with a mistrustful or insecure/paranoid SO? What did you do?

My boyfriend and I have been together for 8 months and were friends for a couple months before that. I knew from the start that he had a rough, abusive childhood and his last girlfriend cheated, and he admitted that he had trust issues. I didn’t know how bad those issues were until a few months after we moved in together (his lease had just ended so we just quarantined together).

He frequently sees “red flags” and jumps into accusing me of cheating before asking me about it.

- While looking up something on my phone, he somehow found a Plenty of Fish account deletion site and accused me of using dating apps while we were together. I deleted all my dating apps once we became boyfriend and girlfriend. To boot, I never used POF, so I have no idea how it got on my phone. There was no other POF sites visited in my browser history, and it wasn’t in my app list in the 2+ years I had my last phone. He thought I had deleted POF in my history and still chooses to believe that I was on dating apps during our relationship.

- A guy I went on a few dates with 2 years ago called me out of the blue, and he thought it was someone I’d been talking to this whole time. In reality, I’d blocked this guy early last year and he got a new number to call me on, and tried to act like nothing had happened. I told this guy to go away and leave me alone when he called and I had to ask three times who was calling. I showed BF my call logs and blocked texts and he let it go then, but occasionally he will still bring it up during an argument.

- He saw me texting an old male coworker, just small talk about his family and a recent vacation I’d been on. Again, he got insecure and demanded to know who the guy was and why I felt the need to keep in touch with this old coworker. Granted, this coworker admitted he had a crush on me (even though he was married), so I cut off ties with him anyway.

- Recently he found a sweater in some corner of my apartment that wasn’t his and demanded to know who it belonged to. I had never seen that sweater before and he thought it was suspicious that I had no explanation, but I really didn’t. My only thought was that my ex left it there, but I have no way to verify as I no longer have his number. Or I accidentally grabbed it from the communal laundry room and didn’t notice, and hung it up thinking it was his.

When he gets into these jealous moods, he starts questioning everything I do, even if I’m visiting my mom for a few hours after work...he will say something like “who knows if that’s where you really are”. He also accuses me of lying because I stumble over some of my words and talk fast. That’s because he comes at me in an accusatory tone and angry, and instantly puts me on the defensive. It doesn’t help that he generally has a short fuse, either.

When he isn’t in these moods, he’s a lot of fun and very loving and sweet, helps around the house and also helps out financially.

I used to be very insecure and a little paranoid too so I get it, but I’m actively working on it. I’m also a little forgetful and don’t always pay attention to what I’m doing, so sometimes I really don’t know where a certain item or piece of clothing came from, if it isn’t mine. Especially in the past few months as I’ve had a lot going on at work and in my persons life.

Any advice? Appreciate the time taken to read this and reply!

Have any of you ever dealt with a mistrustful or insecure/paranoid SO? What did you do?

Yep. I dumped him.

I don't have the time, patience or lack of self-respect to have my dignity and integrity dragged through the mud over and over. His issues were his to deal with. I had no intention of enabling them, and I was not going to stand for having my character assassinated for no reason.

Sorry to hear this. Have you read up on the red flags for abusive/controlling relationships? Is there a way you can give him notice and ask him to leave?

You are waking on eggs defending yourself for no reason. Unfortunately he became an abuser, perhaps he learned how from his family.

Tell trusted friends and family what's going on. Red up on abusive relationships and pathological jealousy/possessiveness. Quick involvement is another red flag, such as moving into your place.

You may want to deny that this is abusive to survive and try to "fix it", but the longer he stays the more damage to you there will be.

I dated someone like this short term and it was one reason I stopped dating him - in the 6 weeks we dated non-exclusively he made comments about the number of business cards he saw in my purse, asked intrusive questions about where I was going/what I was doing, and tracked me when he saw me on the dating site we met on (he was on there too -we were not exclusively dating). He "apologized" 3 weeks in, we talked about the therapy he was getting and it was fine for about a week and then restarted. So -- nope, not gonna go further with that kind of red flag In my experience -vicarious -it only gets worse.

Why is he helping you financially? I think that makes it worse in the sense that he probably thinks you "owe him" - please remove yourself from this situation.

Yep. I dumped him.

 

I don't have the time, patience or lack of self-respect to have my dignity and integrity dragged through the mud over and over. His issues were his to deal with. I had no intention of enabling them, and I was not going to stand for having my character assassinated for no reason.

I agree.... Ok. So he's been cheated on. That's not an excuse to act like this. He needs to work on himself, not become Robocop on you.

I would put my foot down on this. If he really feels he can't trust you and you're not what you say you are, why is he with you?

You've tried to be patient and understand him. when is he going to do that for you?

Also pitching in with chores and financials, being fun to be with are the bare minimum. You can find that in someone without his issues.

Here it is Galian:

"It doesn’t help that he generally has a short fuse, either.

"

I full endorse what the other poster have said.

In fact, he sounds rather unstable and is abusive.

You need to end this situation OP, and quickly.

I'd be gone so fast you wouldn't see me for the dust. Why are you putting up with this?

You ditch people like that.

Are you looking to vent or are you intending to work through the relationship and stay together?

The post lists a lot of negative points about your boyfriend that most people would find alarming. You've clearly thought about it quite a lot. Why not do the obvious and break up with him? What's preventing you from moving on?

To answer your question, I left the relationship. He wasn't willing to seek help for his depression, paranoia and psychotic episodes. He was frequently negative and I was suspected of many things I didn't do. He had regular breakdowns, usually 1-2 times a year where the paranoia was frantic and he couldn't control himself. I frequently felt invisible and disillusioned even though I cared about him. I do know that mental health had a strong role to play.

Demonizing him isn't going to help because I think he himself needs help for his paranoia. If he refuses that, you need to think about yourself and what type of life you want to live.

For me, I'll never see the world the same again because of what I saw or how I saw another person could suffer, as a product of their own issues. At first I was anxious also and I've left that anxiety from that relationship behind and snapped back to my regular self. I am frequently happy by nature and see the good in things easily. I am so glad to be back.

Take care of yourself.

Sorry but you can fix him, he needs therapy....all these things that have happened to him have given him PTSD. It will probably take years for him to get back to being able to have a normal relationship. At this point you need to end it. If you don't the accusations and whatnot may lead to abuse..he will start to separate you from friends, isolate you, won't let you go out, monitor your phone, who you talk to, etc. Been there done that.

Welcome to ENA as a poster.

So I read the other posts where you replied to someone else's problems. In those you are strong and have definite ideas on how they should be treated.

My question is: Where is that woman when your bf is acting like an insecure child?

You cannot be his therapist and this is not something easily worked out like leaving the toilet seat up.

It sucks to meet someone who appears to be a great match for you only for the skeletons to start creeping out of the closet.

I am sorry but this relationship is unhealthy and he needs to be single and seek out counseling to learn to face his past and how it has affected his present.

Lost

I could not live this way and neither should you! You need to get rid of the toxic abundance that is him.

You've advised other posters to leave these kinds of relationships. You also refer to your boyfriend as your "ex" and say you left him.

So, are you still with this abusive a-hole? Or are you trying to find out "why" he acted the way he did before you broke up with him?

And yes, he is an abuser. No matter how much of a fairy tale prince he is when he isn't abusing you.

The last guy who was constantly accusing me of cheating on him, I had to get a restraining order against.

They try to make you feel bad, so it's their way of trying to isolate you from friends, family, what you like to eat, where, etc. Your guy is not a good person. He is essentially telling you every time he accuses you of something that you are a lying . Do not put up with it. And you aren't going to change him even if you give up your phone and never text any man again. Their behavior only gets worse.

I actually tried to read your post through your boyfriend’s point of view, and I get why he’s suspicious.

He finds a POF site on your phone and then a guy from your past calls to see what’s up, a common move when they want some attention. Why would he choose you to call for attention? After that, he learns you’ve maintained a friendship with some guy you used to work with, close enough to be texting each other. A guy who liked you enough to disregard his wife and tell you he had a crush on you. Then, to top it off, he finds a guy’s shirt in your apartment that you have literally no explanation for.

For me, there’s quite a bit of room there for misunderstanding. So ask yourself, are you leaving these other lines of communication open for any particular reason?

ETA:

I’m not saying you’re cheating, or doing wrong by maintaining these contacts. I just mean that maybe your boyfriend’s idea and your idea of appropriate boundaries are different.

My response echos others. I dated someone like this and not only does it not get better, it just gets even worse.

You find yourself censoring yourself and before you know it you don't recognize who you are anymore. You don't feel safe telling him things, knowing he'll try to find fault when there isn't any.

Not to mention a lot of these types are more inclined to abusive behaviour.

You can't pay the price for what someone else did to him. Besides, he's not unique and most people have been disappointed by a previous relationship at least once in their lifetime. They all don't run around holding other people hostage over it. If they are then they need some therapy to help them work through it so they have an opportunity to be in a healthy relationship in the future.

Under review.