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Thread: I [26f] am unhappy in my relationship [28m] and don't know what to do

  1. #1

    I [26f] am unhappy in my relationship [28m] and don't know what to do

    Me and my boyfriend have been dating for three years and live together. in the beginning, we were very in love with each other and I felt like I had never felt this way with anyone ever before. Things changed once we moved in together. We went through a really rough patch in our relationship after he moved in with me and it was really bad. We would fight almost every other day and I felt like we felt a lot of resentment towards each other during this period just by how we would treat each other. It got to the point where we got into a huge fight and ended up breaking up. When we broke up, I was devastated. I moved back in with my parents and it was hard for me to get out of bed every day.

    I knew I still loved him and felt like maybe the breakup was a mistake. I told him how I felt and he said he agreed and we got back together. He admitted to me that during the time we were broken up he had slept with two girls. I was a little bit upset, but I was not mad at him as we were not dating. It's important to mention though because I feel like this is when my feelings started to change. He also started drinking more and gambling with his friends and getting home super late without calling or texting. I felt more distant from him as the year went on.

    I think he could tell that I was feeling this way, and started to make more of an effort towards our relationship. He stopped drinking as much and doesn't gamble anymore. I can tell that he But now I just feel really guilty because I just don't feel the same for him as I did before. I have tried, but every day I just feel like I don't really want to try. He is a really good guy and he treats me well. I don't want to break his heart. On top of all of that, I have been thinking about this other guy. I would never cheat or act on any of my thoughts, but I can't stop these thoughts and I feel like I'm developing a crush.

    I really hate myself for feeling like this and feel like I've betrayed him. Apart of me wants to leave, then another part of me feels like I'll be making a huge mistake. Please help!

  2. #2
    Silver Member
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    How have you betrayed? You seem to be under the impression that if he makes ANY effort like not gambling regularly or not getting drunk on a regular basis, then you are obligated to be with him. That is not the case. It seems that your relationship simply does not work -- you can't live together and you are unhappy when you are with him. That is completely fine and you should end this relationship instead of continuing to torture yourself with something you don't want. And BTW, if you want to actually move on and find someone with whom you are better suited, please stop communication of all kinds with this guy after the break up. That will help you heal more quickly and will set you up to be open to new possibilities after the healing.

  3. #3
    Platinum Member Wiseman2's Avatar
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    Sorry to hear this. Unfortunately it sounds like you were incompatible when living together. What were the arguments about? It sounds like you dodged a bullet if he tends to drink heavily, gamble and sleep around.

    End it. Cut all contact. Delete him and all his people from all your social media and messaging apps.

    Pursue the new guy, you're broken up and free to date.

    Originally Posted by femmefatalty
    Things changed once we moved in together. It got to the point where we got into a huge fight and ended up breaking up.

    He admitted to me that during the time we were broken up he had slept with two girls. He also started drinking more and gambling with his friends and getting home super late without calling or texting.

    I would never cheat or act on any of my thoughts, but I can't stop these thoughts and I feel like I'm developing a crush.

  4. #4
    Platinum Member Rose Mosse's Avatar
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    May I ask if you still have the support of your parents? You had moved back in with them when things were rough or you broke up and then went back to living with your boyfriend. What do they think of him? The reason I ask is to gauge your support networks and see how difficult it is for you to permanently extract yourself from this situation. You'll have to be sure though because crying wolf or asking for others to bail you out over the same person multiple times will look a bit tired over time. The worst part is you realizing you can't trust your own decisions if you keep going back on them.

    You can rebuild if you choose to. I think you are deeply emotionally attached and still feel obligated and caring of him. Just because you care deeply about someone or love that person, it doesn't mean it's the right person for you. Life goes on and your heart will heal.

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  6. #5
    Platinum Member smackie9's Avatar
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    breakup with him and test this other guy out, and see if that is what you want.

  7. #6
    Platinum Member melancholy123's Avatar
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    Sounds like your relationship has run it's course. Perhaps you need to move on.

  8. #7
    Before we broke up it was mainly because I had started working as a first-year teacher and was having a rough time. I was angry and moody all of the time and he would get frustrated with me and it would lead to an argument. If I'm being honest, he wasnt the most supportive during this time period. We both built a lot of resentment and that's what led to the fight that caused us to break up.

    My job is a lot easier now and we don't have these problems anymore. We actually don't even argue that often. But I can't help but feel like I won't ever feel the same way about him.

  9. #8
    My parents support me and would take me back in. I think that they don't think he is a good match because of everything that we have been through. I know they would be happier if I was with someone else, but they said that they support me either way.

  10. #9
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    I donít think thereís much to your dilemma presented.

    You two sound like people who tried to make things work, but they didnít. You made the jump to moving in with one another and things quickly fell apart. That says something about your compatibility. But you didnít mention what the fights were about in the first place. (It doesnít matter anymore)

    But what happened after - about him sleeping with two other people, drinking, gambling, etcetera, says a lot about his character and how he handles tumultuous times.

    Now youíre emotionally tapped out. You feel guilty because your desire to keep things going has dissipated. For a plethora of factors. I think the guilt will grow if youíre not honest about your true feelings.

    You donít want to hurt him. So staying in that relationship when youíre not interested anymore will hurt him more in the long-run, and it will hurt you too. So thatís the worst option.
    If you want to salvage the relationship, tell him how you really feel and the reasons why. Youíve accumulated resentment - probably because he slept with women after the breakup for one major reason. That would make anyone feel gross about their partner.
    But if youíre just tapped out from his stuff? Thatís okay. Thatís life. But just be truthful with yourself and let it go.

    Giving up doesnít mean it was all for nothing. It just means that relationship wasnít the one.. but it showcased to you what qualities and characteristics are deeply important for you in intimacy.

  11. #10
    Super Moderator Capricorn3's Avatar
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    Originally Posted by femmefatalty
    My parents support me and would take me back in. I think that they don't think he is a good match because of everything that we have been through. I know they would be happier if I was with someone else, but they said that they support me either way.
    The very fact that your parents don't seem to be too crazy about him says a lot. Take it on board and think about moving back in with them. It looks like your relationship has run its course. Nothing wrong with that and sometimes it's even a blessing in disguise. You're still young so don't waste anymore time on something which isn't working for you anymore. Life's too short. Move on.

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