Facebook share
LinkedIn share
Google plus share
Twitter plus share
Give Advice
Ask For Advice
Page 1 of 4 1234 LastLast
Results 1 to 10 of 35

Thread: Anxiety over boyfriend's past

  1. #1
    Member
    Join Date
    Sep 2011
    Posts
    45

    Anxiety over boyfriend's past

    I have a bit of a strange request. I am currently in an LDR with someone who used to engage in casual sex and FWB. He's completely loyal and devoted to me and obviously gave all of that up once we got into a relationship. Personally I have very little sexual experience because I always figured it is something to be shared with someone special. And while I'm sure that I must have met people in my life who have engaged in casual sex, I've never met anyone who's admitted to it so it is a very 'out there' idea for me.

    I've never understood how someone as sweet and caring as him could do something that seems so heartless, soulless and borderline traumatic. I was able to brush it aside for a long time but lately it is causing me a lot of anxiety. More often than not I spend most of the night lying awake with my heart racing, my mind continuously going over how someone so loving could do something like that. I can feel my stomach cramping up as I'm typing this.

    He is perfect for me in every (other) way and I don't want to give him up, I've never felt as loved as I do today. I just desperately want to feel at peace with it. I've tried things like masturbating and picturing a random person is there with me, and in the moment itself it doesn't seem that terrible. My own hand, someone else's hand, whatever. But when night rolls around I picture this person I love with his hands all over someone whose name he barely even knows, only to never see them again, and I spend the next four hours tossing and turning. How can someone so wonderful share something so private with a stranger and not feel violated? How can our minds mesh so well except for this one thing?

    I'm not entirely sure what I'm looking to hear, but I guess experiences from someone who's been in my position or someone who likes casual sex as well would be nice. I don't want to ask him about it too much because ultimately it's in his past, and because there's always a chance that what he says might trigger me. But some comforting words from someone who's not directly involved would be great.

    I'm not religious so I don't have any specific reasons for feeling the way I feel about it. I'm open to having someone change my mind about it, but as of now I'm just not seeing it and the lack of sleep is affecting my ability to deal with life.

    Another thing I should probably mention is that I don't have any issues with the relationships he's been in. Obviously it's not my favourite thing to think about, but it's not traumatic the way the casual stuff is.

    Thank you so much in advance. Getting Ready for a First Date

  2. #2
    Platinum Member
    Join Date
    Sep 2014
    Location
    Australia
    Posts
    2,297
    Gender
    Female
    Well to be honest not all casual sex or FWB is totally cold and heartless. It also doesn't make the people engaging in casual sex "bad" or incapable of love and committing to a relationship. Thinking that casual sex is bad is actually just your own person opinion. And you are allowed to have that opinion and can't help how you feel obviously.

    You asked people to give their experience of FWB. I haven't actually had many one night stands or anything but I've had a couple of FWB. In my case it actually was actual friends, with the benefits. One of them went on for 2.5 years and this guy is actually one of my good friends for real. We have a real friendship and we hung out and did fun stuff together like going out places and road tripping. But we weren't in love with each other and not looking for the same things in a relationship. So we didn't commit to each other and were still free to see other people. The other guy I had FWB with was also my actual friend and we also hung out and went places. We've actually had a falling out since though.

    I think it's OK to think whatever you happen to think about casual sex but the problem here is that your boyfriend's past is upsetting you and interfering with your relationship. He actually can't change his past so the only thing you can really do is accept it and accept your boyfriend for exactly who he is. If you can't move past it then how can you be with him?

    It's OK to have your own values and beliefs but in my opinion casual sex is nor good, nor bad. It's just people's personal decision whether they're into it or not. Some perfectly nice people can engage in casual sex. I haven't done it much myself because I tend to catch feelings. My reason for doing it if I did is that I'm single, I find that person attractive and I enjoy sex with them. It doesn't mean I'm trying to just use them and treat them bad. I'm not like that.

  3. #3
    Platinum Member Wiseman2's Avatar
    Join Date
    Apr 2016
    Location
    Cloud Nine
    Posts
    40,619
    Gender
    Male
    How long have you been dating? Have you met in person? How often do you see each other and have you been intimate with him yet?

    Don't ask about people's past if all you are going to do is condemn and judge them with your high moral ground.

    What you see is what you get. If you are jealous or contemptuous of his past, end it cleanly and kindly.

    Then block and delete him.

    Get on some quality/paid perhaps faith-based dating apps with a good profile and pics and start talking to Local men who have little or no premarital sexual experience and have more in common with you.

    It's best not to discuss past sexual partners. That's really none of anyone's business.

  4. #4
    Platinum Member Rose Mosse's Avatar
    Join Date
    Mar 2019
    Posts
    4,566
    Have you met this person? Why is it an LDR and when will it change or when will you both be more local?

    Slow down on the oversharing with each other.

    Instead of forcing yourself to do these things please just take a deep breath. The heart of the matter is the LDR. What you need to do is ask yourself whether this is an LDR fantasy or whether you both actually do have a future together. LDRs don't flourish unless there is some end in sight to the distance and there's some understanding of the relationship progressing beyond the means you're now contacting or staying in touch.

    I don't think it's casual sex that bothers you as much as it is your lack of experience, the oversharing and the nature of an LDR relationship that isn't helping to progress the physical intimacy or normal means of bonding that usually happens in a relationship. This isn't healthy in the long run. Do you think it will change?

  5.  

  6. #5
    Platinum Member SherrySher's Avatar
    Join Date
    May 2016
    Posts
    7,220
    How long ago was it that he did these things? I always feel that people can change, and maybe he's not the same person as he was a few years ago.

    But I also have been like you, and I have always tried to see the good in people and did my best to ignore what I felt was a red flag.
    I am being honest with you, it never served me well. If something felt off, it usually was.

    His moral compass and his ideas about sex and what it means to him, don't sound like they mesh with your ideas. I'm not saying this for every person out there, because I can't speak for everyone. But I do feel that those that can engage in sexual acts with a stranger, don't view sex as an intimate, loving act, as maybe some others do.

    I can't recall the names right this second for people who only see sex as something to share with someone they love and feel that sex is meant for love and as an expression of love, but is it a personality type. This sounds like you.

    Your boyfriend does not share the same type of personality. He views sex as an act more for pleasure and not so much love. He can separate the physical acts and any emotions tied to it.

    If it bothers you that badly, then yes, you and he are not a match.

    I want to be positive and uplifting, but I am being honest with you. I am more on the same wavelength as you when it comes to intimacy. I have tried to date men who were like your boyfriend and viewed sex as partially a loving act and partially something to do just for fun (depending on who he's doing it with). For me personally (maybe not everyone), but for me,...this type of man always came with loads of problems. From lying to cheating to low morals, disappointments, and heartache. I never had a happy ending with anyone that behaved as your boyfriend has behaved.

    Not to say that it's like that for everyone and not to throw around blanket statements that those who engage in casual sex are this or that etc...but from my experience, it's always ended badly and I have always found out that my worst fears always came to light in the end.

    Basically I (like you) so desperately wanted to see the good, that I forced things and tried to pretend the past didn't matter. But it always did.
    Different things occurred that just proved more and more that their moral compass was no where near the same as mine. That their needs/wants and ideas about sex, did not match mine.

    And those clashes kept on till we ended.

    I'm sorry this isn't a positive post, but I am trying to give you an honest perspective on how my experiences went in this exact situation.
    Last edited by SherrySher; 11-17-2020 at 05:08 AM.

  7. #6
    Platinum Member SherrySher's Avatar
    Join Date
    May 2016
    Posts
    7,220
    Don't ask about people's past if all you are going to do is condemn and judge them with your high moral ground.
    I'm not sure that she's judging or condemning anyone, she's just saying that the way she and her boyfriend perceive sex, has been vastly different.

    As for 'high moral ground', again, she only mentioned what works best for her, and what's worrisome to her, not that it was better or worse. At least that's how it read to me.

  8. #7
    Platinum Member
    Join Date
    Aug 2016
    Posts
    10,922
    This is a pretty significant incompatibility, OP.

    Your views on something as important as sex are miles apart. I'm not going to sugar-coat it - that's going to be a tough one to overcome. You are struggling with it to the extent that it's disrupting your life. I doubt you're going to somehow find a way to be okay with it.

    As the others have asked, how often do you meet him in person, and how old are you both?

  9. #8
    Platinum Member Wiseman2's Avatar
    Join Date
    Apr 2016
    Location
    Cloud Nine
    Posts
    40,619
    Gender
    Male
    At 30+ years old it's unrealistic to expect a large selection of virginal men, unless she is willing to find local available men through some sort of dating app that focuses on abstaining before marriage.

    People don't need these details at 30+ years old. It's more important to find other areas of compatibility such as living in the same area.
    Originally Posted by SherrySher

    As for 'high moral ground', again, she only mentioned what works best for her, and what's worrisome to her, not that it was better or worse. At least that's how it read to me.

  10. #9
    Platinum Member SherrySher's Avatar
    Join Date
    May 2016
    Posts
    7,220
    Slow down on the oversharing with each other.
    Is there such a thing as oversharing? My husband and I have told each other everything, including our past and the worst of the worst.
    It's never caused issues.

    I think when you get to know someone, either it works (being honest with things), or it just doesn't.

  11. #10
    Platinum Member SherrySher's Avatar
    Join Date
    May 2016
    Posts
    7,220
    At 30+ years old it's unrealistic to expect a large selection of virginal men, unless she is willing to find local available men through some sort of dating app that focuses on abstaining before marriage.
    Who said anything about virginal men? It is possible to find men who view sex as something that they only want to do with someone they love. They don't have to be virginal, or religious. Yes, they may be harder to find, but there are most definitely men out there like that. Not all men view sex as something to just have fun with whomever.

    I think as human beings we are all curious as to what the person we are considering dating has experienced in the past in terms of intimacy or what they may or may not have done.
    It can give better insight as to who they are or what their morals may or may not be like.
    I'm not saying it's always helpful or even expected to openly talk about, but at some point the topic does seem to come up. I don't think it's the worst thing in the world to tell each other what you like to do or how you view sex or what you've done. It helps to see if you are compatible, or not compatible. What you're willing to do, or not do, what works for you and what doesn't. etc.

    Again, just my opinion.

Page 1 of 4 1234 LastLast

Videos


Maintaining A Strong Relationship

Detaching From a Malignant Man

Divorced Parents Prefer Technology and Social Media As Communication Tool

Wedding Jitters Could Be a Predictor for a Future Divorce

Botox Fights Depression And Makes You Feel Happier

Men Are More Sensitive than Women when Having Relationship Problems
Give Advice
Ask For Advice

Tags for this Thread

Posting Permissions

  • You may not post new threads
  • You may not post replies
  • You may not post attachments
  • You may not edit your posts
  •