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Thread: a problem with a friend

  1. #11
    Platinum Member SherrySher's Avatar
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    You and her don't match on many levels. Her ideas of friendship, do not match up with yours. Which normally is okay with most people if they don't always agree on everything.

    The problem comes in when she starts demanding, starts forcing you to be what she wants, starts guilting you and so on. It's very unfair tactics, not to mention toxic.
    She is also forcing you to be as she wants, act as she wants, and dismisses your thoughts, needs, feelings.

    When things go this way, then you know it's not a healthy friendship any longer. You have tried to talk to her about it all, you have tried to explain why you are the way you are, what you're comfortable with and what you're not comfortable with. You've even tried explaining your situation with your boyfriend (which honestly, is none of her business and you shouldn't ever feel the need to explain that kind of stuff to a friend).

    The hug thing and cuddling thing, honestly made me cringe. She should never push someone into any kind of physical acts they are not comfortable with.
    I personally am a hugger, but a 25 second hug? That's awkward to say the least and not something I think many would be okay with. She's being overbearing with that and she again should never force that kind of stuff on people.

    Friendships are meant to be happy, something that brings you joy, comfort, support. You should be looking forward to spending time with a friend and leave, feeling uplifted.
    If you're not feeling those things, then it's time to distance yourself from this person. But to be honest, she sounds forceful and that would be enough for a lot of people to walk away.

  2. #12
    Platinum Member Wiseman2's Avatar
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    Are either of you bisexual?

  3. #13
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    Originally Posted by Wiseman2
    Are either of you bisexual?
    Honestly from your post I was thinking is this woman bisexual and maybe she has romantic feelings for you? I just don't really understand why she's so obsessed with seeing you every single week and wants to cuddle on the couch super long. And why she's being so clingy and seems jealous of your relationship with her boyfriend. She has her own family and other friends so it seems weird to me that she's attached to you to this extent. It doesn't actually seem healthy. She seems way too attached to you.

    I'm actually bisexual myself but I don't even really hug my female friends that much. I don't cuddle with any friends on the couch because that's a couple thing to do. I don't think you owe any explanations to your friend because you're in a relationship and busy working. You can see her whenever you can but I don't think you owe it to her to see her every single week. Also I think she was being very unreasonable during COVID quarantine, saying that you should sit with her and cuddle on the couch! That's quite irresponsible and breaking quarantine rules.

  4. #14
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    I think this woman is in love with you, OP.

    I'm not saying that to be funny or flippant, either. It genuinely appears she has a strong romantic attachment to you and has been trying to squeeze it out of you for years.

    And where the heck is your own backbone? Why are you going along with this? For me, it would have stopped the moment she demanded physical affection and cuddles from me. There would have been no arguments or communication about it. A simple, "no, sorry, I'm not comfortable with that." And there sure as hell would be no Hug Poncho.

    This whole situation is just so bizarre.

    You need to extract yourself from this toxic friendship and work on identifying and asserting your own boundaries. That's largely what got you here.

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  6. #15
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    Originally Posted by MissCanuck
    I think this woman is in love with you, OP.

    I'm not saying that to be funny or flippant, either. It genuinely appears she has a strong romantic attachment to you and has been trying to squeeze it out of you for years.

    And where the heck is your own backbone? Why are you going along with this? For me, it would have stopped the moment she demanded physical affection and cuddles from me. There would have been no arguments or communication about it. A simple, "no, sorry, I'm not comfortable with that." And there sure as hell would be no Hug Poncho.

    This whole situation is just so bizarre.

    You need to extract yourself from this toxic friendship and work on identifying and asserting your own boundaries. That's largely what got you here.
    Yes, boundaries are important. As I mentioned, I'm bisexual myself but I wouldn't cuddle my female friends. I don't even hug most of them. Even if I did it would just be a quick hug, like "Hi, good to see you". Cuddling very long on the couch while watching movies is a romantic thing to do. I'm pretty sure someone would only want to do that if they were attracted and/or had feelings for that person. And the fact that she gets upset when she doesn't get the cuddles! Super weird! Not platonic would be my guess.

  7. #16
    Platinum Member DancingFool's Avatar
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    Originally Posted by caraviolin
    Thanks ladies. So do you think her requests about me visiting her are alienating me from her?
    I admit I feel resentful and also a terrible friend when she points out, but you spend all weekend with him and watch movies and you donít watch movies with me? Sheís always pointing out how Iím different with my boyfriend. Itís making me feel awful and itís also making me feel obligated to see her. I would want to see her on my own volition, not just guilt tripped into visiting.
    She says she has a right to bring up her feelings to me, and I know sheís right. Iím just feeling mad for some reason.
    The thing is, I COULD make time to see her. I know that. Whenever I do, I feel stressed though. Iím just trying to work out why I just donít want to see her. I like talking with her but I just donít want to visit.
    Wow.....it seems somewhere along the way you've completely forgotten that friendships are OPTIONAL. You spend time with people whose company you enjoy and you walk away from those who make you uncomfortable. It's that simple.

    This woman has been bullying you and manipulating you for years. So much so that this doesn't sound like any kind of a normal friendship, but rather some kind of a weird, toxic, codependent mess. She tells you she needs to physically touch you to feel an emotional connection and you compromise on that despite realizing that this is weird.....wth... It IS beyond weird and the answer isn't to compromise but to assert your boundaries and if that doesn't work, walk away. Friendships are OPTIONAL. If a friend is creeping you out with their behaviors and demands, you simply distance yourself from them or just plain walk away.

    You don't actually have any obligations to her and that's something you need to wrap your head around for your own sake and sanity. As for her having the right to tell you how she feels, sure she has that right. Do you know what right you have? Refuse to listen. Yes, you have a right to walk away and not listen to someone's drivel, especially when it's manipulative and causes you harm or distress. Friendships are OPTIONAL.

    You have to go to work and deal with nasty co-workers and unreasonable bosses, you have to pay your rent and your electric bill, you have to smile at crazy Aunt Sue at family gatherings, but one thing in life that you don't have to deal with are friends whose company you don't enjoy. Friendships are always optional. Have I said that enough? I hope so. Long past due for you to get rid of this toxic woman you call a friend and instead find and spend time with those whose company you actually enjoy because that's what friendships are about.

  8. #17
    Platinum Member Lambert's Avatar
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    I can relate! I have a long time friend that was always very needy for attention.

    My advice is to honor your feelings. She is not respecting your boundaries or your feelings. And since she can't, you have to enforce yours.

    I think you need to just be honest with her that she is putting you off and if she wants to maintain the friendship, she needs to respect your right to your feelings.

    that's what I've been doing with my friend. its hard. I know she has anxiety and is worried or whatever about our friendship. but! that's on her! I have done nothing wrong. if someone treats me in a way that I don't like, I'm free to pull away.

    I'm not rude to her and I try not to bluntly tell her what her problems are. that's all on her. I do feel guilty at times because I don't want to hurt any of my friends. but it's come to a point where she just wants me to be there for her, accept that she feels bad, but she refuses to change. the truth is I don't think she can.

    she has set up her entire life to be the weak victim, everyone else has to over compensate for and its draining as all heck.

    stay strong. you're not a bad friend. you deserve to have your needs and boundaries honored, too.

  9. #18
    Platinum Member shellyf62's Avatar
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    I can relate too.
    I became friends with a lovely lady that I met at a Meetup group. Her Husband had passed away 2 years before I met her.
    We would meet for lunches & chats which was great. We even went on a cruise, and an overseas trip.
    She then lost her job, so started job seeking & contacting me on Messenger a few times a day for advice.
    This turned into constant messaging & complaining about everything in her life. Every drama her adult children became involved in became a source of constant messaging.
    It got to the point where I would grimace when I heard my phone ping.
    I had to tell her to stop messaging me at work, as I was too busy to answer. I had 10 unread messages that day.

    The day I lost it was the minute I finished work the messaging started. She must have been watching the clock.

    I understand she was lonely & grieving her Husband, but I couldnt be his substitute.

    I told her I was dealing with some things, so going to be off Facebook & Messenger for a little while. She asked what she could do & I said "nothing"
    Her response was to send me another 10 messages saying that she "needed to be there" for me," friends support each other" etc etc etc. it was suffocating, so I deleted Messenger & havent been on since.

    She obviously got the message,as I havent heard from her since. I miss her, but cant deal with her clingy & needy issues. :-(

  10. #19
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    Thanks so much everyone.
    I am not bi; I am a totally straight woman. I never had the responsibility of maintaining a friendship with a woman, and now that my friend is asking that of me, Iím turned off I guess. I feel a boyfriend is a more important responsibility, because it could lead to marriage, heís my other half, etc.
    I have had other friends who are girls who are totally fine with me visiting once every two months or something. I never had a girl whine and feel dismissed if I didnít see her. So, it makes me uncomfortable and feel like I am in an awkward relationship with her.
    She claims she wants to be on the same level of priority as my boyfriend. Is this acceptable for her to ask?

  11. #20
    Platinum Member catfeeder's Avatar
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    Originally Posted by caraviolin
    She claims she wants to be on the same level of priority as my boyfriend. Is this acceptable for her to ask?
    All relationships being voluntary, nobody has a right to make demands on anyone else--without consequences.

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