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Thread: What is it with passive men?

  1. #1
    Join Date
    May 2020

    What is it with passive men?

    Why do some guys wait for you to initiate, make plans or even text first?

    I have been on 3 dates in the past month and it's the same rigomor each time. Connections are really good, lots of talking, smiling and even an offer to hang out again, but no date set.

    They sit back and wait for you to get in touch & offer to meet up again. In 2 cases the guys sounded super enthused & the dates go great. But I do all the leading. Isn't that the man's job?

  2. #2
    Platinum Member Cherylyn's Avatar
    Join Date
    Mar 2019
    Speak up and tell them that you'd appreciate it if they took the initiative every now and then. Some men are clueless so you need to give them a wake up call.

  3. #3
    Platinum Member Wiseman2's Avatar
    Join Date
    Apr 2016
    Cloud Nine
    Sorry to hear that. Unfortunately one-and-done meets are more common than not.

    People are talking to and meeting others. Even if a meet seems to go well, people can just inexplicably move on.

    It's not about whose job it is to lead, it's more about interest level. If someone isn't following up, it may not be about passivity, but not a high level of interest.

    It may be best to lay back a bit to see if there's a more spontaneous desire to go on a second date.

  4. #4
    Platinum Member Rose Mosse's Avatar
    Join Date
    Mar 2019
    Maybe tweak things up a little. You will generally get the gist of how a person responds or their personality in the way they speak to you whether it's by text or phone.

    If you are initiating all the contact it's unlikely that person is going to initiate meeting up with you or pursuing you. He may be dating someone else already or he may not be as interested in you as you think. You can usually also size up immediately whether someone is single, newly single or not single in a phone call with the way they fill in the blanks in how they spend their free time or what they do outside of work.

    Screen things out a bit more. I think you will be fine. Don't waste your time with people who aren't as interested as you are.


  6. #5
    Silver Member
    Join Date
    Jan 2016
    Maybe be proactive about putting the ball in their court by suggesting, at the end of the date, that they contact you if they fancy meeting again.

  7. #6
    I dated a passive man before. I feel like I have to think and plan always, otherwise things wont work.

  8. #7
    Platinum Member catfeeder's Avatar
    Join Date
    Nov 2008
    New Jersey
    Blah. Skip that. In my book, passivity means not into me enough to be motivated. And who wants that?

    When you can accept the natural odds of most people NOT being a good match, you'll liberate yourself from stepping in to do their share of the work.

    Allow wrong matches to pass early, and you'll thank yourself later when you find the RIGHT guy.

  9. #8
    Platinum Member
    Join Date
    Mar 2006
    I think the man should do more of the asking in the beginning -for dates. I think the woman should show a lot of enthusiasm without gushing and initiating a text is fine especially if there's a plan in place. I stopped dating in 2005 and didn't have a cell (I know) so I never texted but we did message/email. Here's what I would do. Zero. Express enthusiasm and interest while on the date and if he wants to see you again he'll ask you out on a date. The end. He's not passive necessarily he's just not that into dating you so he chooses not to put in the effort. It's an active choice to do nothing because planning a date requires effort he is choosing not to put in to getting to see you again. So back off, leave the ball in his court, make sure he knows while you are in person that you are interested and respond with interest. Do not text back and forth infinitely if there is no plan he has initiated. After you go on several dates and are more of an item then yes I would initiate dates. I wanted to marry a man who was more traditional. Some women do not so my advice is along the traditional lines, I get it. You seem to want that too.

  10. #9
    Platinum Member SarahLancaster's Avatar
    Join Date
    Jul 2016
    Florida Panhandle
    I agree with catfeeder. What you perceive as 'passive' is actually not caring enough about you to pursue another date. Move on.

  11. #10
    Platinum Member SherrySher's Avatar
    Join Date
    May 2016
    I third that...if he's not getting a hold of you, then the interest isn't there. A man who really likes you will be contacting you.

    I also think it's okay for the woman to initiate now and then, but what you described, sounds more like men who aren't as interested as they should be if they truly do want to date.

    Even passive men will be more than happy to message you if they want to see you again.

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