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What is it with passive men?


LoreliFinn

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Why do some guys wait for you to initiate, make plans or even text first?

 

I have been on 3 dates in the past month and it's the same rigomor each time. Connections are really good, lots of talking, smiling and even an offer to hang out again, but no date set.

 

They sit back and wait for you to get in touch & offer to meet up again. In 2 cases the guys sounded super enthused & the dates go great. But I do all the leading. Isn't that the man's job?

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Sorry to hear that. Unfortunately one-and-done meets are more common than not.

 

People are talking to and meeting others. Even if a meet seems to go well, people can just inexplicably move on.

 

It's not about whose job it is to lead, it's more about interest level. If someone isn't following up, it may not be about passivity, but not a high level of interest.

 

It may be best to lay back a bit to see if there's a more spontaneous desire to go on a second date.

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Maybe tweak things up a little. You will generally get the gist of how a person responds or their personality in the way they speak to you whether it's by text or phone.

 

If you are initiating all the contact it's unlikely that person is going to initiate meeting up with you or pursuing you. He may be dating someone else already or he may not be as interested in you as you think. You can usually also size up immediately whether someone is single, newly single or not single in a phone call with the way they fill in the blanks in how they spend their free time or what they do outside of work.

 

Screen things out a bit more. I think you will be fine. Don't waste your time with people who aren't as interested as you are.

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Blah. Skip that. In my book, passivity means not into me enough to be motivated. And who wants that?

 

When you can accept the natural odds of most people NOT being a good match, you'll liberate yourself from stepping in to do their share of the work.

 

Allow wrong matches to pass early, and you'll thank yourself later when you find the RIGHT guy.

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I think the man should do more of the asking in the beginning -for dates. I think the woman should show a lot of enthusiasm without gushing and initiating a text is fine especially if there's a plan in place. I stopped dating in 2005 and didn't have a cell (I know) so I never texted but we did message/email. Here's what I would do. Zero. Express enthusiasm and interest while on the date and if he wants to see you again he'll ask you out on a date. The end. He's not passive necessarily he's just not that into dating you so he chooses not to put in the effort. It's an active choice to do nothing because planning a date requires effort he is choosing not to put in to getting to see you again. So back off, leave the ball in his court, make sure he knows while you are in person that you are interested and respond with interest. Do not text back and forth infinitely if there is no plan he has initiated. After you go on several dates and are more of an item then yes I would initiate dates. I wanted to marry a man who was more traditional. Some women do not so my advice is along the traditional lines, I get it. You seem to want that too.

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I third that...if he's not getting a hold of you, then the interest isn't there. A man who really likes you will be contacting you.

 

I also think it's okay for the woman to initiate now and then, but what you described, sounds more like men who aren't as interested as they should be if they truly do want to date.

 

Even passive men will be more than happy to message you if they want to see you again.

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Who initiated and got the first dates rolling to begin with? Literally anything that could be said about them not reaching out to you could be said if you don't or wouldn't have reached out to them. It's not a man's "job" to do anything for a strange woman, no yours to do anything for a strange man. If you want something, go for it. If you feel you're putting a disproportionate effort in, then let it go. That's a genderless concept.

 

However, if say a man initiates and gets the first date arranged, maybe pays, passes the ball to you for the easy layup letting you know he's interested in seeing you again at the end of the date, it's not some self-deprecating effort for your part to send a text the next day to get the ball rolling on some plans. Nor would it necessarily be him looking at you as stale leftovers for wanting his initial effort reciprocated.

 

Personally, it wasn't my style when I dated. Especially if we're talking after a single first date, it wasn't some jaded "well if she was interested enough, she'd call me." If I liked them and got the impression they were into me as well, I didn't take it as some slight to follow up with them first. Though I will say the vast majority of women did happen to get back to me the next day or the day after that to plan a second date, my now-wife happening to have been among them.

 

You do you, though. You're entitled to your preferences, and if having reached out to arrange the second date is a deal breaker for you, don't let me or anyone else talk you out of it. Don't put more effort into someone than you think is worth or genuinely feel isn't being returned.

 

Moreover, if it is off-putting to you, then maybe don't... ? Seems strange you're stuck on it being the guy's job yet you're out there doing it. Having a filter is fine. Just stick with it lest you invite yourself unnecessarily into resentful situations. Very easy way to grow bitter.

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There is no "supposed to" as such, only what works for you and how you carry yourself.

 

If you come across as very dominant, take charge and lead kind of a person, people will sit back and leave you to it, even romantically. So maybe reflect a little how you come across and if you don't like that dynamic, then ease up on that gas pedal.

 

The other part is what's already mentioned. Just because people can be social and fun on a date, doesn't really mean they want to see you again or are actually into you enough. So no matter how great that first meet went, if they don't actually contact you to set up another, means they weren't that into you. Chatting about another date means nothing unless you actually have a time, date, and place nailed down for it. Learn to watch the feet not the words.

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Blah. Skip that. In my book, passivity means not into me enough to be motivated. And who wants that?

 

When you can accept the natural odds of most people NOT being a good match, you'll liberate yourself from stepp do ing in to do their share of the work.

 

Allow wrong matches to pass early, and you'll thank yourself later when you find the RIGHT guy.

 

I agree. I wouldn’t waste my time.

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When I was dating I encountered a few men where it was very clear to me that women they'd recently dated had taken the lead, initiated dates, been happy to have casual sex. So um I did some retraining. I simply wasn't as available or eager, and I let the man take the lead in asking me out, and asking me out enough in advance. I was fine saying no to a date requested for a weekend night after Wednesday. I remember telling one of them no I'm busy (which I was either with another plan or with my own company since I respected my own time more apparently than the guy did) - and he then stepped up to the plate. He asked me out for the following weekend (and to see me during the week) and then he asked me about a date a year in advance -so we could plan our wedding (joke lol). But honestly his whole manner and tone changed toward me when he saw how I valued my time.

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If you don't like passive guys,pass on the passive guys... don't let a few passive guys in a row change how you are.

 

And don't start chasing because that only encourages them to be more passive.

 

If you genuinely want to see a guy again, but he's passive, ask yourself why? if you don't like passive guys?

 

make it a deal breaker. take note how they are in the early communication. ask them up front what their style is. it us a screening process after all.

 

I don't try to make guys anything. they either are or they aren't. there are a lot of guys in the world. one that pursues is not asking too much. you will find it.

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Who initiated and got the first dates rolling to begin with? Literally anything that could be said about them not reaching out to you could be said if you don't or wouldn't have reached out to them. It's not a man's "job" to do anything for a strange woman, no yours to do anything for a strange man. If you want something, go for it. If you feel you're putting a disproportionate effort in, then let it go. That's a genderless concept.

 

However, if say a man initiates and gets the first date arranged, maybe pays, passes the ball to you for the easy layup letting you know he's interested in seeing you again at the end of the date, it's not some self-deprecating effort for your part to send a text the next day to get the ball rolling on some plans. Nor would it necessarily be him looking at you as stale leftovers for wanting his initial effort reciprocated.

 

Personally, it wasn't my style when I dated. Especially if we're talking after a single first date, it wasn't some jaded "well if she was interested enough, she'd call me." If I liked them and got the impression they were into me as well, I didn't take it as some slight to follow up with them first. Though I will say the vast majority of women did happen to get back to me the next day or the day after that to plan a second date, my now-wife happening to have been among them.

 

You do you, though. You're entitled to your preferences, and if having reached out to arrange the second date is a deal breaker for you, don't let me or anyone else talk you out of it. Don't put more effort into someone than you think is worth or genuinely feel isn't being returned.

 

Moreover, if it is off-putting to you, then maybe don't... ? Seems strange you're stuck on it being the guy's job yet you're out there doing it. Having a filter is fine. Just stick with it lest you invite yourself unnecessarily into resentful situations. Very easy way to grow bitter.

 

I agree with this.

 

If you enjoyed the date, I think you would be remiss to not text or call him the next day to tell him you had a great time.

If you go on a date and silence from you, guys are just as nervous wondering how it went -- he may think you are not interested.

 

On the other hand, if you chased the guy until he went out with you, that's different.

 

Its possible that he is not interested also.

 

If a guy is interested, and he is ready to meet someone he will as you out again unless he has a major anxiety disorder.

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What comes to mind is you are the common denominator here. 3 men, same outcomes. Could passive be misinterpreted as lack of interest?

 

Just curious what might happen if you were to step back and give them a chance to meet you half way.

 

Ultimately Lambert's advise is spot on. If you don't like passive men then don't waste time on them.

The time invested on the 3 dates with 3 different men would have been better spent holding out for someone better suited for you..

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My personality is confident and forthright with men and I have tended to attract the guy who sits back, goes with the flow types. Another common thread with them is they are a bit insecure. By that I mean they put themselves down at times.

 

My own father was this way. Maybe I am subconsciously attracting a man similar to him? If so, I'm uncertain how to get out of this rut.

 

I can understand that men could be passive due to low interest. Yet I recall my father and how lazy he was in the relationship with my mother. She basically took charge (she had to because he refused to pay bills, do work around the house). I do think there are some men with that laisse fair attitude about life. It could filter into their dating and working lives.

 

As some posters have said, men should be taking the lead most of the time at the beginning by investing their time & resources. Later on both should be putting in 50% effort.

 

I cant say that I even respect passive men. They tend to be victims and whine a lot about their troubles. Am I interested in Mr. Downer? Not a chance.

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My personality is confident and forthright with men and I have tended to attract the guy who sits back, goes with the flow types. Another common thread with them is they are a bit insecure. By that I mean they put themselves down at times.

 

My own father was this way. Maybe I am subconsciously attracting a man similar to him? If so, I'm uncertain how to get out of this rut.

 

I can understand that men could be passive due to low interest. Yet I recall my father and how lazy he was in the relationship with my mother. She basically took charge (she had to because he refused to pay bills, do work around the house). I do think there are some men with that laisse fair attitude about life. It could filter into their dating and working lives.

 

As some posters have said, men should be taking the lead most of the time at the beginning by investing their time & resources. Later on both should be putting in 50% effort.

 

I cant say that I even respect passive men. They tend to be victims and whine a lot about their troubles. Am I interested in Mr. Downer? Not a chance.

 

My personality is confident and forthright too and when I wore my professional hat especially. But I chose to let men take the lead in doing more of the asking out while I initiated in other ways - that way I was forthright in showing interest but in the beginning stages I let the men I wanted to date ask me out on dates. I showed enthusiasm, I helped plan the dates, I initiated conversations, I got up to speed on the things they were interested in so we could have even more interesting conversations, etc. My husband used to be extremely shy -the first time around we dated seriously it took him months to ask me out to lunch and I believe he needed a pep talk from his friends to do so.

 

Also again I would not assume these men are passive -I would assume they are that way with you because not everyone is your match so they don't choose to put in the effort to make a plan with you, to ask you out on a date.

I also wouldn't assume that these men act a certain way in other walks of life -you do not know them. Confident and forthright is great and you also from a social perspective need to be careful to give the other person equal air time -you might be coming across in an overwhelming way - too much too soon/too forward - that can happen in platonic friendships too. Be a multi-layered package and let the man put in the effort to unwrap each layer.

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