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Thread: What is it with passive men?

  1. #21
    Platinum Member Lambert's Avatar
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    If you don't like passive guys,pass on the passive guys... don't let a few passive guys in a row change how you are.

    And don't start chasing because that only encourages them to be more passive.

    If you genuinely want to see a guy again, but he's passive, ask yourself why? if you don't like passive guys?

    make it a deal breaker. take note how they are in the early communication. ask them up front what their style is. it us a screening process after all.

    I don't try to make guys anything. they either are or they aren't. there are a lot of guys in the world. one that pursues is not asking too much. you will find it.

  2. #22
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    Originally Posted by j.man
    Who initiated and got the first dates rolling to begin with? Literally anything that could be said about them not reaching out to you could be said if you don't or wouldn't have reached out to them. It's not a man's "job" to do anything for a strange woman, no yours to do anything for a strange man. If you want something, go for it. If you feel you're putting a disproportionate effort in, then let it go. That's a genderless concept.

    However, if say a man initiates and gets the first date arranged, maybe pays, passes the ball to you for the easy layup letting you know he's interested in seeing you again at the end of the date, it's not some self-deprecating effort for your part to send a text the next day to get the ball rolling on some plans. Nor would it necessarily be him looking at you as stale leftovers for wanting his initial effort reciprocated.

    Personally, it wasn't my style when I dated. Especially if we're talking after a single first date, it wasn't some jaded "well if she was interested enough, she'd call me." If I liked them and got the impression they were into me as well, I didn't take it as some slight to follow up with them first. Though I will say the vast majority of women did happen to get back to me the next day or the day after that to plan a second date, my now-wife happening to have been among them.

    You do you, though. You're entitled to your preferences, and if having reached out to arrange the second date is a deal breaker for you, don't let me or anyone else talk you out of it. Don't put more effort into someone than you think is worth or genuinely feel isn't being returned.

    Moreover, if it is off-putting to you, then maybe don't... ? Seems strange you're stuck on it being the guy's job yet you're out there doing it. Having a filter is fine. Just stick with it lest you invite yourself unnecessarily into resentful situations. Very easy way to grow bitter.
    I agree with this.

    If you enjoyed the date, I think you would be remiss to not text or call him the next day to tell him you had a great time.
    If you go on a date and silence from you, guys are just as nervous wondering how it went -- he may think you are not interested.

    On the other hand, if you chased the guy until he went out with you, that's different.

    Its possible that he is not interested also.

    If a guy is interested, and he is ready to meet someone he will as you out again unless he has a major anxiety disorder.

  3. #23
    Platinum Member reinventmyself's Avatar
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    What comes to mind is you are the common denominator here. 3 men, same outcomes. Could passive be misinterpreted as lack of interest?

    Just curious what might happen if you were to step back and give them a chance to meet you half way.

    Ultimately Lambert's advise is spot on. If you don't like passive men then don't waste time on them.
    The time invested on the 3 dates with 3 different men would have been better spent holding out for someone better suited for you..

  4. #24
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    My personality is confident and forthright with men and I have tended to attract the guy who sits back, goes with the flow types. Another common thread with them is they are a bit insecure. By that I mean they put themselves down at times.

    My own father was this way. Maybe I am subconsciously attracting a man similar to him? If so, I'm uncertain how to get out of this rut.

    I can understand that men could be passive due to low interest. Yet I recall my father and how lazy he was in the relationship with my mother. She basically took charge (she had to because he refused to pay bills, do work around the house). I do think there are some men with that laisse fair attitude about life. It could filter into their dating and working lives.

    As some posters have said, men should be taking the lead most of the time at the beginning by investing their time & resources. Later on both should be putting in 50% effort.

    I cant say that I even respect passive men. They tend to be victims and whine a lot about their troubles. Am I interested in Mr. Downer? Not a chance.

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  6. #25
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    Originally Posted by LoreliFinn
    My personality is confident and forthright with men and I have tended to attract the guy who sits back, goes with the flow types. Another common thread with them is they are a bit insecure. By that I mean they put themselves down at times.

    My own father was this way. Maybe I am subconsciously attracting a man similar to him? If so, I'm uncertain how to get out of this rut.

    I can understand that men could be passive due to low interest. Yet I recall my father and how lazy he was in the relationship with my mother. She basically took charge (she had to because he refused to pay bills, do work around the house). I do think there are some men with that laisse fair attitude about life. It could filter into their dating and working lives.

    As some posters have said, men should be taking the lead most of the time at the beginning by investing their time & resources. Later on both should be putting in 50% effort.

    I cant say that I even respect passive men. They tend to be victims and whine a lot about their troubles. Am I interested in Mr. Downer? Not a chance.
    My personality is confident and forthright too and when I wore my professional hat especially. But I chose to let men take the lead in doing more of the asking out while I initiated in other ways - that way I was forthright in showing interest but in the beginning stages I let the men I wanted to date ask me out on dates. I showed enthusiasm, I helped plan the dates, I initiated conversations, I got up to speed on the things they were interested in so we could have even more interesting conversations, etc. My husband used to be extremely shy -the first time around we dated seriously it took him months to ask me out to lunch and I believe he needed a pep talk from his friends to do so.

    Also again I would not assume these men are passive -I would assume they are that way with you because not everyone is your match so they don't choose to put in the effort to make a plan with you, to ask you out on a date.
    I also wouldn't assume that these men act a certain way in other walks of life -you do not know them. Confident and forthright is great and you also from a social perspective need to be careful to give the other person equal air time -you might be coming across in an overwhelming way - too much too soon/too forward - that can happen in platonic friendships too. Be a multi-layered package and let the man put in the effort to unwrap each layer.

  7. #26
    Platinum Member Wiseman2's Avatar
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    This is fine. However make sure you lay back enough to determine interest level. For example, if they don't communicate or ask you out again, next them rather than stepping up and stepping in too much.
    Originally Posted by LoreliFinn
    My personality is confident and forthright with men and I have tended to attract the guy who sits back, goes with the flow types.

  8. #27
    Platinum Member smackie9's Avatar
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    The reason they are passive shouldn't matter...it's how you feel about the situation is what counts/your perception. I have met attractive guys that are passive....I need more than good looks. I need someone who isn't going to sit there like a lump while I carry on the conversation. Passiveness affects me on all levels...so it's a complete turn off.

  9. #28
    Platinum Member Jibralta's Avatar
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    Try taking the word "passive" out of this sentence:

    Originally Posted by LoreliFinn
    I cant say that I even respect passive men.
    I suspect that due to what's been modelled for you during your upbringing, you have subconsciously come to view all men as this way.

    Why else would you settle for Mr. Downer?

    In your mind, there must be nothing else out there. Otherwise, Mr. Downer would come along and you'd say, "NEXT!!"

    Instead, you are PASSIVELY accepting what comes along.

    Next time you see one of these guys, say, "Thanks, but no thanks," and hold out for Mr. Proactive (or somebody similar).

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