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Thread: What is it with passive men?

  1. #11
    Platinum Member j.man's Avatar
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    Who initiated and got the first dates rolling to begin with? Literally anything that could be said about them not reaching out to you could be said if you don't or wouldn't have reached out to them. It's not a man's "job" to do anything for a strange woman, no yours to do anything for a strange man. If you want something, go for it. If you feel you're putting a disproportionate effort in, then let it go. That's a genderless concept.

    However, if say a man initiates and gets the first date arranged, maybe pays, passes the ball to you for the easy layup letting you know he's interested in seeing you again at the end of the date, it's not some self-deprecating effort for your part to send a text the next day to get the ball rolling on some plans. Nor would it necessarily be him looking at you as stale leftovers for wanting his initial effort reciprocated.

    Personally, it wasn't my style when I dated. Especially if we're talking after a single first date, it wasn't some jaded "well if she was interested enough, she'd call me." If I liked them and got the impression they were into me as well, I didn't take it as some slight to follow up with them first. Though I will say the vast majority of women did happen to get back to me the next day or the day after that to plan a second date, my now-wife happening to have been among them.

    You do you, though. You're entitled to your preferences, and if having reached out to arrange the second date is a deal breaker for you, don't let me or anyone else talk you out of it. Don't put more effort into someone than you think is worth or genuinely feel isn't being returned.

    Moreover, if it is off-putting to you, then maybe don't... ? Seems strange you're stuck on it being the guy's job yet you're out there doing it. Having a filter is fine. Just stick with it lest you invite yourself unnecessarily into resentful situations. Very easy way to grow bitter.

  2. #12
    Platinum Member DancingFool's Avatar
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    There is no "supposed to" as such, only what works for you and how you carry yourself.

    If you come across as very dominant, take charge and lead kind of a person, people will sit back and leave you to it, even romantically. So maybe reflect a little how you come across and if you don't like that dynamic, then ease up on that gas pedal.

    The other part is what's already mentioned. Just because people can be social and fun on a date, doesn't really mean they want to see you again or are actually into you enough. So no matter how great that first meet went, if they don't actually contact you to set up another, means they weren't that into you. Chatting about another date means nothing unless you actually have a time, date, and place nailed down for it. Learn to watch the feet not the words.

  3. #13
    Platinum Member smackie9's Avatar
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    Passive men need aggressive bossy women....I with you OP, passive men are boring/lame. If they can't keep up with me he gets kicked to the curb.

  4. #14
    Platinum Member LaHermes's Avatar
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    Absolutely Cat:

    "In my book, passivity means not into me enough to be motivated. And who wants that?
    "

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  6. #15
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    Originally Posted by catfeeder
    Blah. Skip that. In my book, passivity means not into me enough to be motivated. And who wants that?

    When you can accept the natural odds of most people NOT being a good match, you'll liberate yourself from stepp do ing in to do their share of the work.

    Allow wrong matches to pass early, and you'll thank yourself later when you find the RIGHT guy.
    I agree. I wouldn’t waste my time.

  7. #16
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    When I was dating I encountered a few men where it was very clear to me that women they'd recently dated had taken the lead, initiated dates, been happy to have casual sex. So um I did some retraining. I simply wasn't as available or eager, and I let the man take the lead in asking me out, and asking me out enough in advance. I was fine saying no to a date requested for a weekend night after Wednesday. I remember telling one of them no I'm busy (which I was either with another plan or with my own company since I respected my own time more apparently than the guy did) - and he then stepped up to the plate. He asked me out for the following weekend (and to see me during the week) and then he asked me about a date a year in advance -so we could plan our wedding (joke lol). But honestly his whole manner and tone changed toward me when he saw how I valued my time.

  8. #17
    Platinum Member itsallgrand's Avatar
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    It sounds like these guys just aren't all that interested.
    Don't force it. If it's a click, there will be balanced effort.

  9. #18
    Platinum Member LaHermes's Avatar
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    Aaah yes, DF. Always!

    " Learn to watch the feet not the words."

    Mind you, can't say I've ever met a "passive" man.

  10. #19
    Member WalterSobcha's Avatar
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    It could be they're not really interested, but it could also be they're clueless. I would tell them how you feel (that you want them to take the initiative and make plans). If they don't get the hint, THEN you know for sure it's that they're not interested.

  11. #20
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    My guess is they're not actually interested. Some people say things just to be polite and they don't mean them. Most men are not passive, or at least not to the point where they won't even organise another date.

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