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Thread: Is my situation hopeless?

  1. #11
    Platinum Member Wiseman2's Avatar
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    Sorry to hear that. How long did you date altogether? You need to delete and block her from ALL devices, social media and messaging apps. Do not contact her or her people. Read the info below. She told you in writing to stop contacting "harassing" her, so you need to move forward.
    Originally Posted by darthkundi
    I apologised for a good two months and sent her a nice card for her birthday with some flowers which she appreciated.
    She asked me to stop the contact for a while, infact she'd asked me a few times by then.
    In my desperation, I couldn't really listen and kept trying and sent her stuff back in October
    She reached out to me then and told me to never contact her again and that I was harassing her.
    The SVS measured stalking behaviors as:

    making unwanted phone calls
    sending unsolicited or unwanted letters or e-mails
    following or spying on the victim
    showing up at places without a legitimate reason
    waiting at places for the victim
    leaving unwanted items, presents, or flowers
    posting information or spreading rumors about the victim on the internet, in a public place, or by word of mouth.



    The federal government, all 50 states, the District of Columbia, and U.S. Territories have enacted criminal laws to address stalking.

  2. #12
    Platinum Member Rose Mosse's Avatar
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    It sounds like you're aware of all the parts that led to a breakdown in trust. I'd leave things for awhile and give yourself some time to put your life back together after the break up. So far she's made it clear that she's not able to be with you or doesn't want to be with you.

    Generally breaking up and getting back together just doesn't work. I suspect you're exhausted and drained, mentally and emotionally, over the past year (last 12 or so months) grieving your dad, moving back and forth and repeated break ups. It might not sound like an appealing idea and it's going against everything you want to do (which is to be with her) but feeling that drained and low isn't going to mean either of you are in the right frame to be in a relationship anyway. Do you think the reasons you're wanting to stay in the relationship have more to do with what this person represented to you in your previous self? Before the loss of your dad? What I'm suggesting is that you may be longing for a more innocent time before losing your dad but not necessarily interested in the relationship or this person.

    It takes a lot of courage to step back and admit you're no longer attracted to someone, only the idea of what that person represents even if it's an older version of yourself. This is just a suggestion so it may not be true at all.

    I hope you feel better soon. Start rebuilding your confidence and look at your interests and hobbies, be around friends and make new friends. Don't look to her anymore for that confidence. The relationship is essentially over. It's best to accept it and engage yourself in other pursuits - intellectually or mentally. Good for you for seeking therapy also.

  3. #13

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    thanks both btw

  4. #14

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    I am still attracted to her and we both have feelings for each other but a lot has happened so it's hard for both of us and we are both exhausted.

    I'm shocked I harassed someone myself, sometimes you don't even realise it, that is why I stopped. Its a slippery slope and you end up ruining a lot, never want to do that again.

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  6. #15
    Platinum Member smackie9's Avatar
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    Maybe next time instead of walking away to be alone or hiding in your shell when things are tough emotionally you learn to be more open with your partner and lean on them for support.

  7. #16
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    So, there have actually been three break-ups now? One initiated by you, and two by her?

    This is where you need to accept that it truly is over. There's too much chaos for this to come back together, and all the post-breakup behaviour only nailed that door shut.

    Work on getting yourself to a better emotional place, and working through the loss of your dad. That's a very tough blow to manage, so my heart goes out to you. When you're healed and in the the right headspace, you'll meet a woman you can start fresh with.

  8. #17
    Super Moderator Capricorn3's Avatar
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    Originally Posted by darthkundi
    I apologised for a good two months and sent her a nice card for her birthday with some flowers which she appreciated. She asked me to stop the contact for a while, infact she'd asked me a few times by then. In my desperation, I couldn't really listen and kept trying and sent her stuff back in October 10th (10 weeks post breakup) followed by some contact. She reached out to me then and told me to never contact her again and that I was harassing her. I backed off immediately after that and told her I was sorry and wasn't really thinking clearly and I'd never have in my right mind wanted to make anyone feel that way. She said I was a good boyfriend but the contact, begging, pleading had done irreversible damage and asked me not to wait for her. She was extremely angry!

    I didn't contact her since except for 2 weeks ago where I sent her a letter acknowledging I'd gone crazy for sure and that I took full responsibility for my actions and that I had no hard feelings against her and if she ever wanted to talk, I'd be happy to.
    Wow. She made it clear that she is done with you and even went as far as saying you are harassing her and asked you to stop it. She was angry (rightly so), but instead of respecting her wishes there you go again and send her a letter telling her if she ever wants to talk you'd be happy to. Dude, this is continuing the harassment!!

    No, there is no more chance with her. She told you outright that you have "done irreversible damage and asked me not to wait for her. ". She asked you to stop harassing her. What exactly don't you understand? You need to be careful right now and not contact her anymore because she could take this further and get the authorities involved.

  9. #18

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    I haven't reached out since, I wouldn't want to cause any more distress. But I wanted to take ownership of what happened, we all make mistakes. I've beat myself up enough over it, that I understand it.

  10. #19

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    There's been 1 breakup really, as the ones initiated by her were a month apart and for the same underlying issue which we never spoke about.

    We went on break when I was away in Spain but we both agreed to it and felt it was the best thing to do but somehow I think she never moved past it. We were talking all the time during it and I'd even flown her over for a long weekend.

    I've found closure with my dad, through therapy, exercise etc. I just think that the way I reacted i.e. post breakup behaviour has more to do with loss based trauma than anything. I remember feeling the same way only once before, that was when dad passed.

  11. #20

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    Originally Posted by Rose Mosse
    It sounds like you're aware of all the parts that led to a breakdown in trust. I'd leave things for awhile and give yourself some time to put your life back together after the break up. So far she's made it clear that she's not able to be with you or doesn't want to be with you.

    Generally breaking up and getting back together just doesn't work. I suspect you're exhausted and drained, mentally and emotionally, over the past year (last 12 or so months) grieving your dad, moving back and forth and repeated break ups. It might not sound like an appealing idea and it's going against everything you want to do (which is to be with her) but feeling that drained and low isn't going to mean either of you are in the right frame to be in a relationship anyway. Do you think the reasons you're wanting to stay in the relationship have more to do with what this person represented to you in your previous self? Before the loss of your dad? What I'm suggesting is that you may be longing for a more innocent time before losing your dad but not necessarily interested in the relationship or this person.

    It takes a lot of courage to step back and admit you're no longer attracted to someone, only the idea of what that person represents even if it's an older version of yourself. This is just a suggestion so it may not be true at all.

    I hope you feel better soon. Start rebuilding your confidence and look at your interests and hobbies, be around friends and make new friends. Don't look to her anymore for that confidence. The relationship is essentially over. It's best to accept it and engage yourself in other pursuits - intellectually or mentally. Good for you for seeking therapy also.
    I think there is some link to the loss of my dad for sure as she was there through that period and right before it. I am not even sure anymore tbh, hoping i find some clarity through therapy.

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