Is my situation hopeless?

Me and my ex broke up first in June and then got back together for a month and broke up again in July. I chased in the first breakup and we didn't really discuss the issues as to why she felt she needed to breakup so no suprise we broke up again. The reason we broke up turned out to be a misunderstanding but my post breakup behaviour the second time around has become the main focal point.

I was very hurt the second time around as it came so soon after the first breakup. I was upset and insecure and went out and dated immediately and in a fit of anger told her about it. She was completely suprised by it and said she was sick to her stomach loving me and she hadn't even planned to date yet. That hurt her a lot and she quickly confirmed that she was happy with her decision and there was nothing more we had to discuss. From then on, things got really bad and she basically ignored me.

I apologised for a good two months and sent her a nice card for her birthday with some flowers which she appreciated. She asked me to stop the contact for a while, infact she'd asked me a few times by then. In my desperation, I couldn't really listen and kept trying and sent her stuff back in October 10th (10 weeks post breakup) followed by some contact. She reached out to me then and told me to never contact her again and that I was harassing her. I backed off immediately after that and told her I was sorry and wasn't really thinking clearly and I'd never have in my right mind wanted to make anyone feel that way. She said I was a good boyfriend but the contact, begging, pleading had done irreversible damage and asked me not to wait for her. She was extremely angry!

I didn't contact her since except for 2 weeks ago where I sent her a letter acknowledging I'd gone crazy for sure and that I took full responsibility for my actions and that I had no hard feelings against her and if she ever wanted to talk, I'd be happy to.

TLDR First breakup, didn't react very well, is there a chance with my ex? It's been 4 since BU and 1 month 1 week of NC. I think she may have started dating. Thanks :)

It's about perception....put yourself in her shoes and see what she sees. There is way too much hurt there, the breakups, the poor communication, the not listening, the assertive behavior. This whole entire time you have only been thinking about yourself..that's why she is done. Learn to accept, respect her wishes and move on.

I agree to an extent. I think we both haven't been thinking about eachother, her breaking up twice caused a lot of hurt to me and poor communication made things worse. I wish she'd have communicated to me first before breaking up as the issue was a misunderstanding which we both acknowledge. I recognize I haven't thought about her during the breakup and I don't condone my behaviour either. I completely respect her decision and I am trying to move on but I'm wondering if there is a chance or it's hopeless.

To add I lost my dad a little over 1.5 years ago and the breakup was over his anniversary so it made everything a bit more worse. I think since he passed my reaction to loss has become more intense. I'm starting therapy next week to develop healthier coping mechanisms.

I am so sorry for your loss...I hope therapy helps you through your grief process. When you get through the grief, you will have a clearer picture and find some peace on your situation. As for her, no one can say, only time will tell. Sometimes it's better to accept and move forward which is what you struggle with with both her and your dad.

Why did you both break up the first time? When someone is callous or lacks enough understanding and doesn't treat you with respect in working out issues first (and breaks up with you instead), this is your cue to walk right through the door and don't look back.

One day you will find someone who is better able to work through misunderstandings or issues without these major ups and downs like breaking up and getting back together. Breaking up with someone is not a solution. The only thing it should solve is confirming with you that the relationship is over.

we went through covid quarantine together for 6 weeks, didn't really have sex over that time. I was ill for part of it, and other part I was just complacent, didn't really realise it was affecting her. She cried one day and packed up her things and left and two weeks later broke up with me the first time saying she wasn't happy.

The misunderstanding was that she thought it was because I was no longer attracted to her when infact it was a lull, I was ill and I was distracted/complacent. Covid didn't really provide the right mood either.

Do you mind me asking how old are both of you?

She should have communicated better about how the relationship was affecting her. I'm surprised that she reacted this way over a matter of weeks in a 'lull'. Were there any other issues? I'm sorry for the loss of your dad also.

we are in our mid to late 20s. ye I wish she had. Well right before lockdown last year in september, I broke up with her as I was moving to Spain. I needed some time away to think through things as I hadn't had anytime to myself after dad passed. It was very mature breakup, we communicated it and we both agreed it was for the best. We kept in touch throughout and got back together when I returned from Spain 3 months later. But I think it broke her trust a bit and soon after we went straight into lockdown and living together when we were probably not yet ready to. That may have had a part to play in all of it.

Sorry to hear that. How long did you date altogether? You need to delete and block her from ALL devices, social media and messaging apps. Do not contact her or her people. Read the info below. She told you in writing to stop contacting "harassing" her, so you need to move forward.

I apologised for a good two months and sent her a nice card for her birthday with some flowers which she appreciated.

She asked me to stop the contact for a while, infact she'd asked me a few times by then.

In my desperation, I couldn't really listen and kept trying and sent her stuff back in October

She reached out to me then and told me to never contact her again and that I was harassing her.

The SVS measured stalking behaviors as:

making unwanted phone calls

sending unsolicited or unwanted letters or e-mails

following or spying on the victim

showing up at places without a legitimate reason

waiting at places for the victim

leaving unwanted items, presents, or flowers

posting information or spreading rumors about the victim on the internet, in a public place, or by word of mouth.

The federal government, all 50 states, the District of Columbia, and U.S. Territories have enacted criminal laws to address stalking.

It sounds like you're aware of all the parts that led to a breakdown in trust. I'd leave things for awhile and give yourself some time to put your life back together after the break up. So far she's made it clear that she's not able to be with you or doesn't want to be with you.

Generally breaking up and getting back together just doesn't work. I suspect you're exhausted and drained, mentally and emotionally, over the past year (last 12 or so months) grieving your dad, moving back and forth and repeated break ups. It might not sound like an appealing idea and it's going against everything you want to do (which is to be with her) but feeling that drained and low isn't going to mean either of you are in the right frame to be in a relationship anyway. Do you think the reasons you're wanting to stay in the relationship have more to do with what this person represented to you in your previous self? Before the loss of your dad? What I'm suggesting is that you may be longing for a more innocent time before losing your dad but not necessarily interested in the relationship or this person.

It takes a lot of courage to step back and admit you're no longer attracted to someone, only the idea of what that person represents even if it's an older version of yourself. This is just a suggestion so it may not be true at all.

I hope you feel better soon. Start rebuilding your confidence and look at your interests and hobbies, be around friends and make new friends. Don't look to her anymore for that confidence. The relationship is essentially over. It's best to accept it and engage yourself in other pursuits - intellectually or mentally. Good for you for seeking therapy also.

thanks both btw

I am still attracted to her and we both have feelings for each other but a lot has happened so it's hard for both of us and we are both exhausted.

I'm shocked I harassed someone myself, sometimes you don't even realise it, that is why I stopped. Its a slippery slope and you end up ruining a lot, never want to do that again.

Maybe next time instead of walking away to be alone or hiding in your shell when things are tough emotionally you learn to be more open with your partner and lean on them for support.

So, there have actually been three break-ups now? One initiated by you, and two by her?

This is where you need to accept that it truly is over. There's too much chaos for this to come back together, and all the post-breakup behaviour only nailed that door shut.

Work on getting yourself to a better emotional place, and working through the loss of your dad. That's a very tough blow to manage, so my heart goes out to you. When you're healed and in the the right headspace, you'll meet a woman you can start fresh with.

I apologised for a good two months and sent her a nice card for her birthday with some flowers which she appreciated. She asked me to stop the contact for a while, infact she'd asked me a few times by then. In my desperation, I couldn't really listen and kept trying and sent her stuff back in October 10th (10 weeks post breakup) followed by some contact. She reached out to me then and told me to never contact her again and that I was harassing her. I backed off immediately after that and told her I was sorry and wasn't really thinking clearly and I'd never have in my right mind wanted to make anyone feel that way. She said I was a good boyfriend but the contact, begging, pleading had done irreversible damage and asked me not to wait for her. She was extremely angry!

 

I didn't contact her since except for 2 weeks ago where I sent her a letter acknowledging I'd gone crazy for sure and that I took full responsibility for my actions and that I had no hard feelings against her and if she ever wanted to talk, I'd be happy to.

Wow. She made it clear that she is done with you and even went as far as saying you are harassing her and asked you to stop it. She was angry (rightly so), but instead of respecting her wishes there you go again and send her a letter telling her if she ever wants to talk you'd be happy to. Dude, this is continuing the harassment!!

No, there is no more chance with her. She told you outright that you have "done irreversible damage and asked me not to wait for her. ". She asked you to stop harassing her. What exactly don't you understand? You need to be careful right now and not contact her anymore because she could take this further and get the authorities involved.

I haven't reached out since, I wouldn't want to cause any more distress. But I wanted to take ownership of what happened, we all make mistakes. I've beat myself up enough over it, that I understand it.

There's been 1 breakup really, as the ones initiated by her were a month apart and for the same underlying issue which we never spoke about.

We went on break when I was away in Spain but we both agreed to it and felt it was the best thing to do but somehow I think she never moved past it. We were talking all the time during it and I'd even flown her over for a long weekend.

I've found closure with my dad, through therapy, exercise etc. I just think that the way I reacted i.e. post breakup behaviour has more to do with loss based trauma than anything. I remember feeling the same way only once before, that was when dad passed.

It sounds like you're aware of all the parts that led to a breakdown in trust. I'd leave things for awhile and give yourself some time to put your life back together after the break up. So far she's made it clear that she's not able to be with you or doesn't want to be with you.

 

Generally breaking up and getting back together just doesn't work. I suspect you're exhausted and drained, mentally and emotionally, over the past year (last 12 or so months) grieving your dad, moving back and forth and repeated break ups. It might not sound like an appealing idea and it's going against everything you want to do (which is to be with her) but feeling that drained and low isn't going to mean either of you are in the right frame to be in a relationship anyway. Do you think the reasons you're wanting to stay in the relationship have more to do with what this person represented to you in your previous self? Before the loss of your dad? What I'm suggesting is that you may be longing for a more innocent time before losing your dad but not necessarily interested in the relationship or this person.

 

It takes a lot of courage to step back and admit you're no longer attracted to someone, only the idea of what that person represents even if it's an older version of yourself. This is just a suggestion so it may not be true at all.

 

I hope you feel better soon. Start rebuilding your confidence and look at your interests and hobbies, be around friends and make new friends. Don't look to her anymore for that confidence. The relationship is essentially over. It's best to accept it and engage yourself in other pursuits - intellectually or mentally. Good for you for seeking therapy also.

I think there is some link to the loss of my dad for sure as she was there through that period and right before it. I am not even sure anymore tbh, hoping i find some clarity through therapy.

Thanks all for all your insight, I think the right question to ask now would be how best for me to move on? If anyone has any suggestions, do let me know :)

There's been 1 breakup really, as the ones initiated by her were a month apart and for the same underlying issue which we never spoke about.

 

We went on break when I was away in Spain but we both agreed to it and felt it was the best thing to do but somehow I think she never moved past it. We were talking all the time during it and I'd even flown her over for a long weekend.

These are break-ups, no matter how you choose to label them.

The damage and disruption to the relationship is the same. Healthy relationships don't look like this.

These are break-ups, no matter how you choose to label them.

 

The damage and disruption to the relationship is the same. Healthy relationships don't look like this.

oh well, time will tell how it all plays out. For now, I am going to respect the decision and move on. At the end of the day, we both are very fortunate and privileged and am sure life has a lot more happiness in the days ahead :) Thanks all

Thanks all for all your insight, I think the right question to ask now would be how best for me to move on? If anyone has any suggestions, do let me know :)

The therapy is a good start. You might be talking with your therapist about loss and letting go while grieving for your father. Speak with your therapist about coping mechanisms and developing healthy routines.

When a relationship ends your reality shifts from incorporating two people to now just one, yourself. Any issues you have with yourself, discomforts, things that make you uncomfortable such as not knowing how to be alone or single, bad habits or not taking care of yourself healthwise or in general will be moreso in the forefront. What makes rebounds so popular is that they are distractions from what individuals can't look at in themselves or flaws that they don't know how to make peace with or recover from.

Hope you feel better. Keep joining on the forum if it helps.

The therapy is a good start. You might be talking with your therapist about loss and letting go while grieving for your father. Speak with your therapist about coping mechanisms and developing healthy routines.

 

When a relationship ends your reality shifts from incorporating two people to now just one, yourself. Any issues you have with yourself, discomforts, things that make you uncomfortable such as not knowing how to be alone or single, bad habits or not taking care of yourself healthwise or in general will be moreso in the forefront. What makes rebounds so popular is that they are distractions from what individuals can't look at in themselves or flaws that they don't know how to make peace with or recover from.

 

Hope you feel better. Keep joining on the forum if it helps.

Thanks Rose, in a way, I'm glad things happened the way it did, it's helped me realise I'm still carrying trauma, I remember being heartbroken when I was younger and never reacting quite so viscerally. Something has certainly changed and I'll work it out in therapy :)