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Thread: Man unavailable, but they seemed interested (venting)

  1. #1
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    Man unavailable, but they seemed interested (venting)

    I don't understand. I am hurt, yes. Why do they do that? I don't understand men.

    I went and got involved emotionally. I have crushed on a man for awhile. It is a coworker. I know I sound like I'm 17. I'm not talking about overt flirting or anything. When we were in the office, I did catch a vibe, but I also got mixed signals...there seemed to be attraction, then not...I think all of us can relate to that.

    Things advanced. We started texting outside work. It turns out this "vibe" was accurate. I was pretty excited and happy about it. Yes, I know, work relationships are not the best idea. I have posted as much on many occasions on the board. I understand the risks.

    I think that given we are coworkers, I allowed myself to believe that this situation would not be a "player" situation and that crossing over that professional line meant this would be something that was more serious.

    It turned out to be about the same as many of my online dating experiences...lots of talk, not a lot of action. No meet, no text....I failed my own advice. I guess because I thought this situation was different.

    Why? Why do they do this? I am just so lost on this! Why do men pursue, make it seem like they want something serious, but they never have the time to actually meet? They talk a lot about meeting..."I can't wait until..." and the day never comes.

    Umm, a little hint, you actually have to meet in person if you want the kissing, touching, etc.

    He seemed interested in me genuinely. He seemed to want to pursue something serious, long-term.

    As we were texting, I couldn't nail him down on meeting. He accelerated to intimate discussion (nothing raunchy), and let's circle back to the above sentence -- we actually have to meet in person if we're going to kiss, touch, sex.

    The thing is, why pursue talking with me, pursue dating me, move into intimate discussions with me if you don't have the time and you are not available? WHY? Why?? What is going on?

    When I am interested in someone, I make the time. Maybe to a fault. I don't want to lose that momentum. These guys? They talk the talk and make it seem like they really like you, want to be with you, get to know you more...but they don't have the time. Too busy. Not available until "later", and when is "later?" "Later" never comes. Why do they do this? WHY?? Why do they actively pursue a relationship if they do not have time to actually pursue a relationship? Why aren't they more excited about getting together in person, like I am?

    So I'm hurt. I don't understand why this man actively pursued me, but he had no time. I don't understand why he moved into more intimate discussions when he didn't have the time to actually meet with me in person. I just don't get it.

    This post is a vent and not so much seeking advice, though I am happy hear your responses. I'm mostly kicking myself right now for not following my own advice and getting lost in the idea of a good relationship, thinking because we know each other in person, he wouldn't be a jerk. Maybe some men could chime in and tell me why you do this. Why do you pursue someone when you do not have the time?

  2. #2
    Platinum Member Rose Mosse's Avatar
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    It may not be personal. Maybe it's a work issue thing or he has someone he's more interested in (you're back up). You let your guard down thinking he was someone you could trust or someone you already know. It happens. It takes awhile but you will be okay! I know you're writing to let off steam.

  3. #3
    Platinum Member Wiseman2's Avatar
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    Sorry to hear this. Is he the office flirt? Often never meeting = in another relationship. Unfortunately it sounds like he was getting off on the ego boost.

    Hopefully you've already deleted and blocked him from ALL personal social media and messaging apps.. At work, act professional, cordial, but refrain from personal conversations.

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    Well to be honest it sounds like you're getting too invested in someone you haven't even been on any dates with at all. I understand it's normal to get crushes and it can just happen. I think if you don't want to get hurt, you really need to keep your feelings in check and not get super excited about someone you don't know much and haven't dated at all. I think the reason you got hurt is because you built it up in your own mind.

    I think you also need to stop talking to someone straight away if they don't want to meet for a date. It's a clear sign that there's something dodgy going on. They're either already in a relationship, already dating too many people, or are just a flake and time waster. If he brought up sexual discussion straight away that means his intentions were not serious and he just wanted to get off on sexy chat. Or maybe he's in a relationship and that's why he can't meet, but he enjoys to flirt. You wouldn't be as frustrated if you just quickly cut these guys off and don't bother with them. If someone doesn't want to meet for a date within a week or two of texting then just get rid of them.

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  6. #5
    Platinum Member Clio's Avatar
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    I am sorry that you got dissapponted :( This too shall pass!

    I think people can behave like this for a multiple reasons and there is now way of knowing what was really going through his mind. e.g. to me it sounds like he might have been in some kind of a rebound and /or trying to fill in a void in his life through your communication but ultimately not being ready for a real relationship. Imo, it is not safe to form preconceptions about coworkers regarding how they will behave in their personal life. A person can be excellent at their job yet turn out to be all kinds of rubbish when it comes to romantic relationships.

  7. #6
    Super Moderator HeartGoesOn's Avatar
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    My guess is after having an intimate discussion with you, he struck out instead of potentially winning the gold. Adding to that, when that type of discussion came up the writing was on the wall, (imo).

  8. #7
    Platinum Member Andrina's Avatar
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    I found myself in a similar situation after my first marriage ended. It didn't go quite as far as your situation, but I finally found out that he'd been dating another woman in the building, different agency, and they were keeping it secret to prevent gossip. He sent out all the vibes and would seek me out at work. I had just begun being friends with this woman and she's the one who told me the story after the fact. They broke up 10 months later because she said he drank too much and it caused problems. I would've never known that about him, so sometimes things you want so badly don't happen, and it's really for the best.

    Because of that and witnessing others who have gone through this, I believe the guy likes the ego boost of you having a crush on him. But he's just not that into you or is taken and you don't know it. Either way, his behavior if very uncaring because he's a cat having fun batting around a mouse.

    Just as in OLD, if they don't ask you out in 2 weeks, tell them you're not into texting to be pen pals, and so the communication will be ending.

    When I met my future husband, I appreciated him all the more after all the dating disasters I had. I wish the best for you that you don't have to wait too long for that to happen. The journey, of course, is different for each of us. Take care.

  9. #8
    Platinum Member SarahLancaster's Avatar
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    I think men do it to see if the woman is going to be an easy lay with no strings. Maybe he was hoping you'd be that person. But apparently you gave him the sense that you wanted to be courted, and that's not what he wanted.

    That's my thought on it.

  10. #9
    Platinum Member bluecastle's Avatar
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    Sorry about this.

    I don't think this is a man thing, so much as a human thing, a romance thing, perhaps even a thing made more common through modern technology, much as that may not be what you want to hear. I say this as a man—one who, I'm sure, has left some women feeling as you feel right now, but who has also felt this way, plenty, in experiences in trying to connect with women.

    It's very hard not to get jaded, I know. But personally I think there are very, very few people who wake up in the morning and think: "I need an ego boost, so I'm going to string Person X over text for a bit, then skirt off." It's murky, in other words, not intentional or malicious, and I like to lean on that for comfort when I'm feeling less than comfortable. Someone starts texting you, genuinely curious, but for some reason they get spooked, disinterested, whatever. Same thing happens in actual dating: a good month, a good year, a good stretch, but then some deeper murk gets stirred, someone pulls the rip cord, and someone's heart wheezes.

    Genuinely sorry, again. Words don't really soften the sting of this, I know. I think it's awesome to be excited about the potential—of people, of places, of whatever—so I hope this doesn't dampen that spirit inside of you for too long. I also think it's equally important to learn to temper that excitement, to know that anything only becomes as real and rich as time allows. For this guy it was some fluttery texting: he showed his shallows quick. Sucks. But it means you keep going into the depths, so you can be met there.

  11. #10
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    This one really stings, and I'm having a hard time with it. Thank you for sharing your thoughts, support, and opinions...I appreciate it!

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