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Thread: Man unavailable, but they seemed interested (venting)

  1. #21
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    IMO he was simply flirting for the sake of flirting.
    Flirting is done for one or both of two reasons.

    Flirting to let someone know you are interested.
    Flirting to gain compliments.

    My guess is you flirted with him for both reasons.
    He flirted with you for the latter only.

    Flirting escalates.
    There is only so many times you can tell someone they look hot or have nice eyes etc
    So the flirting progresses to the what I would do if you were with me right now lol
    And so on
    But thatís still just flirting , not an intention to meet.

    When one eventually suggests meeting and itís rejected then game over.

    Saying Iím too busy , sorry canít tonight etc without suggesting a firm alternate date is rejecting that suggestion to meet.

    Itís then up to you to realise that itís just flirting with no further intention and bow out if you are looking for more?

    I agree also with Sarah Lancaster that he might have been fishing to see if you were up for no strings fun and that perhaps you mentioned something that made him realise you werenít?

    All in all , I donít think itís something to be hurt over , esp as you have never dated him.
    Disappointing yes since you had hoped for a date and more.

    He didnít go out of his way to hurt you or disappoint you.
    At the end of the day neither really got what you wanted out of it?

  2. #22
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    Originally Posted by purplepaisley
    He seemed interested in me genuinely. He seemed to want to pursue something serious, long-term.

    As we were texting, I couldn't nail him down on meeting. He accelerated to intimate discussion (nothing raunchy), and let's circle back to the above sentence -- we actually have to meet in person if we're going to kiss, touch, sex.

    So I'm hurt. I don't understand why this man actively pursued me, but he had no time. I don't understand why he moved into more intimate discussions when he didn't have the time to actually meet with me in person. I just don't get it.
    With respect, he didn't actively pursue you.

    Flirting over text message is not active pursuit. It's an attempt to hook you into something salacious or a bit of sexy distraction, but it's not what a genuine pursuit looks like. That would involve actual dates.

    The same can be said for the assertion that he is after something serious and long-term. That may be true in general, but if he wasn't actually asking you out, he wasn't looking for that from you.

    I don't say any of this to be harsh or unkind. I can understand why you're disappointed. But I think part of the problem is that you are mis-identifying what real interest looks like from a man and getting your hopes up when there is little tangible evidence to suggest he wants to get to know you on a deeper level. Men know that to move things forward, they need to actually spend time with you in person. And if they're not trying to spend time with you in person, they're just looking for a sexting/digital-flirting buddy. That's your cue to write them off.

  3. #23
    Platinum Member Jibralta's Avatar
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    Originally Posted by LoreliFinn
    The guys who are married or have a GF act like this to a T. They just like the ego boost and attention. It helps hem with boredom and monotony at the office. The same old routine, route to work, etc propels some folks to spice up their days.
    I guy I went to graduate school acted like this for two years!! When we first met, I learned he had a girlfriend of several years and filed him under "Off Limits." But he was so friendly, and almost doting towards me, and for such a long time, that I wondered if they broke up right after he started the program. Actually, nobody was sure if he still had a girlfriend--but he did!! And he married her after we all graduated. Most of our class (myself included) went to their wedding!

    She must have drawn the line with him or something. I found out about her because he brought her to our studio on a Saturday, I think specifically to meet me, because he and I were usually the only ones there at that time. She was very friendly. She knew my name, she'd heard about me.... And I was at a bit of a loss! I think my surprise must have shown. After two years of him not mentioning her, I had sort of abandoned the idea that she existed.

    After that, he dialed back his attention towards me a lot. I felt very glad that I never actively pursued him, because I would have been even more confused than I already was, and probably very embarrassed! If I hadn't sworn off dating to concentrate on school, I probably would have returned his (seeming) affection and gotten myself hurt.

  4. #24
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    Originally Posted by Jibralta
    I have no idea. It's not just men; women do it too. I've done it, I'm sure. I think it's a maturity thing. Yes, even people over 30 can be immature in some ways.

    I think I can totally relate to what you went through, and I sympathize. I could easily have fallen prey to similar circumstances at my last job.

    I had a male coworker who sought me out for the most random things. We barely knew each other. He just decided one day to start talking to me. It went on for months, and I started to think he might like me... but his signals were so mixed.

    My saving grace was that I had a boyfriend who I loved and was happy with (still loving and happy to this day). I was not inclined to become involved with anyone else.

    But had I been single, it may have been a very different story. My coworker was attractive and charming. Like you, I would have probably let my guard down under the assumption that he was as fastidious with his relationships as I was.

    In hindsight, I believe that my coworker is just a messy opportunist when it comes to relationships, doesn't really know what he wanted, doesn't have great boundaries, etc. Basically a nightmare for a lonely woman looking for love. Never once did he talk about a significant other. But he frequently mentioned female friends.

    Actually, he talked about friends a lot, both male and female. "My friend this," and "My friend that." I think that's why I believe it's a maturity thing. At 35, why are you soooo involved with your friends?

    I suppose I am also one of his 'friends' now. We both no longer work at that company, but he tests me almost daily--seemingly career related, but really just fluff. I think he likes the attention. Which is fine. He's a nice enough guy.
    I had a situation like that in my 20s -guy was in his 20s. Flirted outrageously with me and back then the line of what was "inappropriate" was much narrower - anyway I decided to ask him to have lunch with me outside the office -I was single, assumed he was too -why not? We were summer interns. He agreed. Outside the office he was amazingly quiet, distant, seemed so self conscious. He may have mentioned a girlfriend -I really don't remember because it was completely platonic -two coworkers having pizza. So I knew he loved the attention -he always flirted in front of the other interns, had this big personality, so handsome - had little to do with me I guess. It was all fine just the difference outside the office was startling. I'm glad I got my "answer".

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  6. #25
    Platinum Member catfeeder's Avatar
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    Aww, Purple, I'm sorry to hear this. Timewasters are why some of the first questions I ask anyone who pursues flirty convo with me, in an equally flirty manner, is "Aww, that's kind. So are you available for dating these days, or are you just trying to make a girl feel good?" I'll follow any (potentially patronizing) response with, "Are you in a relationship right now?"

    I get that these aren't foolproof screeners for deliberately deceptive people, but my antenna remains up until I flush out whether someone is just a talker who's accustomed to laying it on thick.

    But the alarming thing about your story is the intimate convo. I mean, ANYone who throws that at me prematurely is an auto-ditch. By premature, I mean before we've even dated or learned enough about one another to venture there. Before then, any comments about wanting to do ANYthing to me or with me is a dealbreaker--not because it's some moralistic insult, but rather because it shows lousy judgment, and I'm just not interested in that.

    Crushes happen to the best of us, regardless of how appropriate, and we are each learning over time how to best handle those. In your case, staying pleasant as you drop any further convo with the guy beyond business matters is your best bet. Even if he tries to pursue more non-work related conversations with you, you've already learned that his sincerity and judgment are the pits. So what's the attraction beyond a temporary brain fart that's easy enough to recover from if you decide to do so?

    Head high, adopt your best dignity and resilience. You'll thank yourself later.

  7. #26
    Platinum Member Jibralta's Avatar
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    Originally Posted by catfeeder
    Timewasters are why some of the first questions I ask anyone who pursues flirty convo with me, in an equally flirty manner, is "Aww, that's kind. So are you available for dating these days, or are you just trying to make a girl feel good?" I'll follow any (potentially patronizing) response with, "Are you in a relationship right now?"
    NICE, catfeeder--I admire your moxie!

    Originally Posted by catfeeder
    But the alarming thing about your story is the intimate convo. I mean, ANYone who throws that at me prematurely is an auto-ditch. By premature, I mean before we've even dated or learned enough about one another to venture there.
    Yes, that is a red flag, for sure.

  8. #27
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    Originally Posted by Jibralta
    NICE, catfeeder--I admire your moxie!
    Yeah clever response, I like it.

  9. #28
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    Why do they do that? I don't understand men.

    I think there's a danger when people to start to think this negatively about men in general that the negativity (which I find can be projected even subconsciously) puts off the genuine decent guys.

    The way this guy behaved, I've had the same sort of thing many times from some women on dating sites (loads of chat, very flirty, "I'd love to do this to you blah blah blah" but then disappearing as soon as an actual date gets suggested). The way I've started to deal with it myself is to cut to the chase sooner rather than later and if they're wishy washy about meeting or won't commit to a meet, just cut them off.

    But I've really tried hard not to let these experiences affect my positive attitude - I feel that once you start projecting the negativity that 'men do this' or 'women do this', it really does come across.

  10. #29
    Platinum Member LaHermes's Avatar
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    Great stuff Catfeeder. I do the same, straight up and from the hip.

    " I'll follow any (potentially patronizing) response with, "Are you in a relationship right now?""

    I fully agree with you Ian:

    "I feel that once you start projecting the negativity that 'men do this' or 'women do this', it really does come across."

  11. #30
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    Originally Posted by LaHermes
    Great stuff Catfeeder. I do the same, straight up and from the hip.

    " I'll follow any (potentially patronizing) response with, "Are you in a relationship right now?""

    I fully agree with you Ian:

    "I feel that once you start projecting the negativity that 'men do this' or 'women do this', it really does come across."
    I totally agree too. It's one reason I was able to meet the right person -I made choices in dating that were consistent enough with my values that any jaded or negative feelings were over in an amount of hours or at most a day.

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