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Thread: Man unavailable, but they seemed interested (venting)

  1. #11
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    Originally Posted by purplepaisley
    This one really stings, and I'm having a hard time with it. Thank you for sharing your thoughts, support, and opinions...I appreciate it!
    I'm sorry you're disappointed! I was very careful not to get my expectations up that someone was interested in dating me unless he asked me out on a proper date. Until then, sure he might be interested in flirting, in having a chat buddy, etc but he wasn't interested in dating me because he wasn't asking me out on a date.

    Just like the past several years as I try to make new friends in my newer city there are many women who express much enthusiasm about meeting in person (meaning pre-covid, I get that now there are so many obstacles!) but when it's time to make the actual effort they're flaky or go MIA. Why do they do this? Who knows. Some are in denial -meaning they express how much they're looking to make new friends but are not honest with themselves that they're not going to make it a priority to take the time to plan to meet and show up. Some tell themselves that what they are doing is "trying". etc. I am very selective about what I invest in these newer friendships. When I find someone reliable I really appreciate it -so that's the silver lining.

    i met my husband at work originally. I think the workplace is a great place to find a partner as long as the person isn't your supervisor/you don't supervise him and you don't work closely with the person.

  2. #12
    Super Moderator Capricorn3's Avatar
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    Sounds to me like he's married - or already in a relationship, and looking for something on the side. An ego boost.

  3. #13
    Platinum Member smackie9's Avatar
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    You need to set boundaries. That means cutting to the chase. When they start getting too forward sexually, you need to put your foot down and say that is not what you are looking for, that you are looking for someone to take you out on a date. Be firm. IMO if they start being like that, you block/delete because it's in appropriate behavior and it's going nowhere....don't put up with it. Some guys will do or say anything to fish out an easy lay, and I suspect this is what you are running into. Stop it in it's tracks.

  4. #14
    Platinum Member reinventmyself's Avatar
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    I think in this day and age the moment someone leaps to sexy talk before they can actually arrange an hour for a cup of coffee is a pretty big fat clue of what's in store. . . .and what's not.

    I'm sorry you are disappointed. You're a smart woman and you wouldn't have gotten in this deep without good reason.

    No matter what, I would have pumped the brakes at the sex talk. It's usually a sign that you're being tested.

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  6. #15
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    How long Had he been putting off meeting up? Did he suggest any get togethers?

    I also think that he is either involved with someone else or doing It for an ego boost. The dude is a big waste of time. Sorry for the disappointment.

  7. #16
    Platinum Member Rose Mosse's Avatar
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    There are superficial individuals out there who are looking for ego boosts in the written form or from afar. I agree with the others that he may have been running with a mental fantasy of you with those intimate exchanges over text but it was overall a thoughtless or more reactionary response. You were simply available to share in it and he went along with it for as long as he could and then the bubble popped because you were seeking something a bit more tangible and real. I think both men and women do this. I've been told men experience the same thing with women who don't end up wanting to meet or go on a date.

    I know you're down because of the wasted time and effort and he was a disappointment but he could have wasted more of your time meeting up with you, actually developing an intimate relationship with you and then being hard to trace or leaving you behind to pick up the pieces. If it was going to stop, thank your lucky stars it's now and not later.

    And... if you are frustrated and annoyed, give yourself a pat on the back. It means that even though you had a momentary lapse of judgment and let someone in over text, you reacted appropriately to him feigning interest in making excuses or not being available to meet.

    I always like to think of the glass half full and lady, it sure is. So drink up that lemonade (it's refreshing). Move on and don't lose your sparkle.

  8. #17
    Platinum Member Lambert's Avatar
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    Originally Posted by reinventmyself
    I think in this day and age the moment someone leaps to sexy talk before they can actually arrange an hour for a cup of coffee is a pretty big fat clue of what's in store. . . .and what's not.

    I'm sorry you are disappointed. You're a smart woman and you wouldn't have gotten in this deep without good reason.

    No matter what, I would have pumped the brakes at the sex talk. It's usually a sign that you're being tested.
    I agree reinvent! Its just like the people that love bomb with compliments.... I have yet to meet one genuine person that ever did that.

    Whether on line or in person. a BS-er is a BS-er. Consider yourself lucky you didn't get more involved. you're disappointed but you were gonna be by this guy no matter what.

    I know it's hard. you wanna meet someone cool and it sucks. but don't waste your tears or feeling bad on him.

    You are better off!

  9. #18
    Platinum Member Jibralta's Avatar
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    Originally Posted by purplepaisley
    When we were in the office, I did catch a vibe, but I also got mixed signals...there seemed to be attraction, then not...I think all of us can relate to that....

    ...I think that given we are coworkers, I allowed myself to believe that this situation would not be a "player" situation and that crossing over that professional line meant this would be something that was more serious....

    ...Why? Why do they do this?
    I have no idea. It's not just men; women do it too. I've done it, I'm sure. I think it's a maturity thing. Yes, even people over 30 can be immature in some ways.

    I think I can totally relate to what you went through, and I sympathize. I could easily have fallen prey to similar circumstances at my last job.

    I had a male coworker who sought me out for the most random things. We barely knew each other. He just decided one day to start talking to me. It went on for months, and I started to think he might like me... but his signals were so mixed.

    My saving grace was that I had a boyfriend who I loved and was happy with (still loving and happy to this day). I was not inclined to become involved with anyone else.

    But had I been single, it may have been a very different story. My coworker was attractive and charming. Like you, I would have probably let my guard down under the assumption that he was as fastidious with his relationships as I was.

    In hindsight, I believe that my coworker is just a messy opportunist when it comes to relationships, doesn't really know what he wanted, doesn't have great boundaries, etc. Basically a nightmare for a lonely woman looking for love. Never once did he talk about a significant other. But he frequently mentioned female friends.

    Actually, he talked about friends a lot, both male and female. "My friend this," and "My friend that." I think that's why I believe it's a maturity thing. At 35, why are you soooo involved with your friends?

    I suppose I am also one of his 'friends' now. We both no longer work at that company, but he tests me almost daily--seemingly career related, but really just fluff. I think he likes the attention. Which is fine. He's a nice enough guy.
    Last edited by Jibralta; 11-14-2020 at 10:28 PM.

  10. #19
    Silver Member LootieTootie's Avatar
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    I am with others on this... ego boost.

    There are times when you do meet someone and you just click with this person. And it's a good feeling to talk to someone who is a) interesting/charming and b) attractive. How could it not be a great dopamine fix to the receiver? I am guessing you're attractive and smart and this colleague likes you but not enough to pursue anything real. He does like that you make him feel good and that's where you have to set some boundaries, like others have mentioned.

    Those boundaries are going to help you save a lot of time and energy.

  11. #20
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    A similar situation happened to me with a co-worker.

    The guys who are married or have a GF act like this to a T. They just like the ego boost and attention. It helps hem with boredom and monotony at the office. The same old routine, route to work, etc propels some folks to spice up their days. What is better than chatting up some attractive women at the water cooler?

    This married guy was always stopping by my desk, bringing candy and leaving house plants on a regular basis. Turns out he was chatting up quite a few other women too.

    If they never ask you out - they are just being friendly - and have no interest in dating or developing a real friendship.

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