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Thread: Is this just what "compromise" is?

  1. #51
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    Have skim read most of the comments! Sorry if you already covered this but what exactly seems to be the problem in meeting women? I would guess it's not your looks because that FWB woman is attracted to you and wants to have sex with you. So your appearance is not an issue and you have a full-time job. You are not a bum and provide for yourself. You have friends, even close friends. To have friends you must be a reasonably nice and likable guy.

    My guess is you never really tried to meet women and then you just kept telling yourself you can't meet women. Sounds like it became a vicious cycle. And you seem to have a negative attitude where you're always telling yourself you won't find anyone, before you even tried. That question of whether there is really someone out there for you just seems weird to me. If anyone who is a nice, decent person who has things going for them asks, "Is there someone out there for me?" The answer is always yes! It's true that there is not really any excuse because the world is full of all kinds of people and most people can find someone. I work with people with disabilities and serious mental health conditions and even many of them have been able to find someone.

    I think one of your problems is you're pessimistic and you kind of get stuck on women that aren't going to be anything. First of all, have you actually told your friend how you feel and asked her out? If not then how do you know nothing will happen? Secondly, your friend and FWB women are literally only two women out of thousands of women who are still out there. It really doesn't make sense based on these two women not being suitable, to say that there is nobody else out there.

    It's true that most people don't do anything particularly special to find a relationship. The difference is though that people that find a relationship were very open to finding it. They believed they could find it. You wrote in one of your comments that people you know in relationship just lived their life. Went to work, spent time with friends. These are all avenues to find a partner. By going to parties and events with friends and colleagues, for example.

  2. #52
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    Originally Posted by Tinydance
    Have skim read most of the comments! Sorry if you already covered this but what exactly seems to be the problem in meeting women? I would guess it's not your looks because that FWB woman is attracted to you and wants to have sex with you. So your appearance is not an issue and you have a full-time job. You are not a bum and provide for yourself. You have friends, even close friends. To have friends you must be a reasonably nice and likable guy.

    My guess is you never really tried to meet women and then you just kept telling yourself you can't meet women. Sounds like it became a vicious cycle. And you seem to have a negative attitude where you're always telling yourself you won't find anyone, before you even tried. That question of whether there is really someone out there for you just seems weird to me. If anyone who is a nice, decent person who has things going for them asks, "Is there someone out there for me?" The answer is always yes! It's true that there is not really any excuse because the world is full of all kinds of people and most people can find someone. I work with people with disabilities and serious mental health conditions and even many of them have been able to find someone.

    I think one of your problems is you're pessimistic and you kind of get stuck on women that aren't going to be anything. First of all, have you actually told your friend how you feel and asked her out? If not then how do you know nothing will happen? Secondly, your friend and FWB women are literally only two women out of thousands of women who are still out there. It really doesn't make sense based on these two women not being suitable, to say that there is nobody else out there.

    It's true that most people don't do anything particularly special to find a relationship. The difference is though that people that find a relationship were very open to finding it. They believed they could find it. You wrote in one of your comments that people you know in relationship just lived their life. Went to work, spent time with friends. These are all avenues to find a partner. By going to parties and events with friends and colleagues, for example.
    I agree with this mostly but I think that luck and timing also play a role in "it just happened/it was easy to meet someone" situations. And of course we don't know how many of those "it was easy" people are settling because sometimes they're not even honest with themselves. On the flip side I know and have known many awesome people who are completely open to the right person and haven't found anyone. There's absolutely not always a reason and with the OP I agree with the reasons I gave and you gave as far as him getting in his own way - being negative and close minded.. Luck has nothing to do with it. But there are no guarantees. Just like when people pursue a dream career/profession -no guarantees that it will work out but people who have those sorts of goals go for it anyway. When I said I do it was a leap of faith for sure.

    OP if you actually believe you are bad at making choices know that that is an essential skill in a healthy adult relationship. You will each have to be good at communicating about decisions that need to be made and be able to make choices. Including choices to change habits, change communication styles and the big ones like choosing where to live, whose job takes priority, whether to have a child and how many, how to have a child, etc. You will have to have mature, adult skills to be with someone who is a mature adult. I have a friend with 3 kids in her 40s whose husband refuses to make adult decisions concerning any family or household matters. It's infuriating and stressful for her and he is another child she has to do everything for. My sense is you just threw out the comment "I'm bad at making choices" or you don't know how to as another way to deflect responsibility for your social life/potential romantic life. But it stood out for me.

  3. #53
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    Originally Posted by SonicHighway
    Either way, I freely admit, I tend to make poor choices. I don't really deny that. I've always made bad choices. To be honest, I feel like bad decisions are just what I'm inclined to. I don't blame anyone or anything else; I recognize I make bad choices at every turn. I blame me for that. Honestly, I really don't feel like I know how to make better choices.



    Maybe? I dunno. I just look back, and I see a past in which I've never been able to find anything even remotely "romantic" with anyone I've ever met and known. There's really no reason I shouldn't have been able to at least find one person to date and have a relationship with. There should've at least been one. I met and knew a perfectly normal amount of women throughout my 20s. Looking back at that, I just can't see a reason to believe or have faith that something could change in the future. Especially now that I struggle even harder to meet new people anymore.



    Well, I'm not sure about that, really. She was with a serious boyfriend for the last several years I've known her (they were together when I met her), and that didn't really stop us from being friends. I was friends with both of them. She has something of an attachment to me, and I think that attachment is strong enough that she's not going to just dump me to the curb over some guy. She's indicated to me multiple times that she hopes we're still in each other's lives for the long term. I'm sure, in the short term, she'll probably be overly distracted with the next guy she gets serious with for a while, but I think she expects it'll eventually get back to me being friends with her and her new boyfriend like I was with her and her ex.

    Anyway, I do plan to talk to her next time I can see her, but unfortunately, I don't know when that will be at this point. I don't know for sure, but I think we're not hanging out for a while due to covid. And by the next time I see her, she might have already met someone on one of her dating apps. So, I'm kind of assuming I probably already missed the chance to say anything to her. I dunno. We'll see what the future holds, I guess.
    But there's a lot you can do that Batya and others have suggested! I'm not sure why you're discounting all of that advice... Hm...

    I'm glad you plan on talking to her next time you see her, that's good!

    It's not like she's the be-all end-all, but I think you realize that. For my anecdotes, the two men who didn't want to date me because I'd be, "rebounding," they both went on to be happily married it seems like (have lost contact to be honest). It's not like she's the last one and only one available, my comments were more to try to help you not regret not asking!

  4. #54
    Bronze Member maritalbliss86's Avatar
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    There is such a thing as having a, "Losing Life Script." It's a really depressing self-fulfilling prophecy type of phenomenon where a person believes like you do, that they can't, that they make bad choices, etc. and it literally causes them to live out a life script (as if in a play) where they're always losing!

    Very very bad! And it generally comes from childhood... something a parent does that somehow teaches the child to adopt this life script.

    You have to consciously reject these notions that you, "can't," or that you're just not good enough, or that your past decisions somehow determine your new and future ones.

    If you want to succeed in life, I think you need to lose this particular script and start really writing your own story by making choices you want to that will help you succeed in things.

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  6. #55
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    Originally Posted by maritalbliss86
    There is such a thing as having a, "Losing Life Script." It's a really depressing self-fulfilling prophecy type of phenomenon where a person believes like you do, that they can't, that they make bad choices, etc. and it literally causes them to live out a life script (as if in a play) where they're always losing!

    Very very bad! And it generally comes from childhood... something a parent does that somehow teaches the child to adopt this life script.

    You have to consciously reject these notions that you, "can't," or that you're just not good enough, or that your past decisions somehow determine your new and future ones.

    If you want to succeed in life, I think you need to lose this particular script and start really writing your own story by making choices you want to that will help you succeed in things.
    I dated and looked for the right person for many more years than you (24 years of dating/being in non-marital but serious relationships). In my experience certain people find it much easier to remain in the negative comfort zone and make excuses/blame others/"society"/their parents/social media etc etc ad nauseum rather than be proactive and do the work. Certainly your experiences are highly valid of course and I have far more experience in what it was like to date all those years starting with personal ads then online dating sites and all the other myriad of ways I met people and tried to meet people.

  7. #56
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    Originally Posted by Tinydance
    My guess is you never really tried to meet women and then you just kept telling yourself you can't meet women. Sounds like it became a vicious cycle. And you seem to have a negative attitude where you're always telling yourself you won't find anyone, before you even tried. That question of whether there is really someone out there for you just seems weird to me. If anyone who is a nice, decent person who has things going for them asks, "Is there someone out there for me?" The answer is always yes! It's true that there is not really any excuse because the world is full of all kinds of people and most people can find someone. I work with people with disabilities and serious mental health conditions and even many of them have been able to find someone.
    I dunno. I mean, between college and work, I feel like I met plenty of different people/ women throughout my 20s. Like I said, I feel like I should've met at least one person I could've dated in that time. True, maybe I wasn't going out of my way to specifically try to find women to date, but just by the nature of school and work, I feel like I had plenty of opportunity to connect with someone.

    The thing is, I don't necessarily deny that I "could" still end up with someone. My concern, though, is whether I'll be able to end up with someone I'm truly happy with, or if I'll end up with someone just because they were "good enough" and I didn't feel like I had any other options. Honestly, I just can't see myself finding what I really "want". Like, just as an example, even though I know it's not going to work out, I really "want" to be with my friend that I have feelings for. There's a "want" there. Meanwhile, with my FWB, my thought is more "I'm okay with this, I guess", and while that might be fine for something casual like FWB, I'm just worried that's the kind of mentality I'm going to have in a real relationship some day, and that scares me. I want to "want" it, like the way I "want" my friend. Not just feel borderline apathetic about it. Yanno?

    Originally Posted by Batya33
    OP if you actually believe you are bad at making choices know that that is an essential skill in a healthy adult relationship. You will each have to be good at communicating about decisions that need to be made and be able to make choices. Including choices to change habits, change communication styles and the big ones like choosing where to live, whose job takes priority, whether to have a child and how many, how to have a child, etc. You will have to have mature, adult skills to be with someone who is a mature adult. I have a friend with 3 kids in her 40s whose husband refuses to make adult decisions concerning any family or household matters. It's infuriating and stressful for her and he is another child she has to do everything for. My sense is you just threw out the comment "I'm bad at making choices" or you don't know how to as another way to deflect responsibility for your social life/potential romantic life. But it stood out for me.
    I didn't mean it that way, in the sense that I'm "bad at making choices" so far as not wanting to make choices altogether. Rather, what I meant was that it feels like every choice I do make is the wrong one. And that I don't have faith in myself to be able to make the "right" choices to eventually end up in the romantic scenario that I truly want to be in.

    Originally Posted by maritalbliss86
    But there's a lot you can do that Batya and others have suggested! I'm not sure why you're discounting all of that advice... Hm...
    I'm not trying to discount anything. I just... I feel like I've put in just as much effort as any normal, average person does in their life, and yet, I'm still exactly where I am. It just feels like I'm a failure, in that sense. It's not so much that I "discount" anyone's advice, I just feel like I'm so inclined to failure and to bad decisions, that I just can't imagine anything actually working for me.

    I'm glad you plan on talking to her next time you see her, that's good!
    Yeah, but I'm starting to suspect I may have missed the opportunity to speak up, and that I'll never have the opportunity, now, and that I'll forever regret it. She and I haven't seen each other in over a month, now, and while we haven't discussed why, I'm pretty sure it's because she's kind of taking a step back from social activities due to current covid numbers being really bad. And I don't see that changing any time soon. At this point, I don't even know that I'll see her before the year is over. By then, she could've made a "quarantine buddy" with some guy on a dating app she's on. On one hand, I feel like the last time we saw each other was "too soon" to say something, but looking back, I'm now worried that that WAS the moment, and that I've missed it. And now our friendship overall is taking a hit because of the pandemic.

    It's not like she's the be-all end-all, but I think you realize that. For my anecdotes, the two men who didn't want to date me because I'd be, "rebounding," they both went on to be happily married it seems like (have lost contact to be honest). It's not like she's the last one and only one available, my comments were more to try to help you not regret not asking!
    Yeah, it's not that I necessarily see her as the "be all, end all", it's just, the last time I knew a woman that I really "wanted" to pursue, that was over eight years ago. Almost a decade. It took me that long to find someone else I "want" to be with. That's kinda terrifying. I don't want to end up going another decade before it happens again (and possibly still in a situation where I'd get rejected). And I haven't felt this way about someone in so long, and it's been so nice riding the high of having these feelings.

    I'm just feeling like, if I want to end up with someone at all, I'm going to have to get over the idea of being with someone I really "want", and learn to be okay with being with someone who is "available".

    Originally Posted by maritalbliss86
    There is such a thing as having a, "Losing Life Script." It's a really depressing self-fulfilling prophecy type of phenomenon where a person believes like you do, that they can't, that they make bad choices, etc. and it literally causes them to live out a life script (as if in a play) where they're always losing!
    I guess? I dunno. In general, I don't consider myself to be a "negative" person, or anything. It's really only dating/ relationships that I'd say I feel like I'm very pessimistic about. I just can't see a way for me, personally, to make it happen. It just doesn't feel realistic to me.

  8. #57
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    "I didn't mean it that way, in the sense that I'm "bad at making choices" so far as not wanting to make choices altogether. Rather, what I meant was that it feels like every choice I do make is the wrong one. And that I don't have faith in myself to be able to make the "right" choices to eventually end up in the romantic scenario that I truly want to be in."

    Right- I know you said you are making those choices to keep with the status quo of what you have now. I love Martha Beck's writings for the sort of obstacles you're putting in your own way. Honestly you haven't even expressed in detail the kind of "romantic scenario" you "truly want to be in" - and of course choices include baby steps where there is little to no risk of doing something "wrong" - and wrong choices so often lead people to right ones. When you refer to "romantic scenario" do you mean a serious relationship potentially leading to marriage (and maybe kids?). You don't need faith -you can fake it till you make it. Do you really think that people who make choices have faith in themselves each time? Of course not. That's why marriage is called a "leap of faith" - you're basically making a choice and knowing that you can't possibly predict the future or whether your forever commitment and vow will last "till death do us part" - so many important choices are made with little or no faith -taking the plunge.

    I got back together with my ex fiancee. Knew I'd have to move to another city most likely if we stayed together. I'd made so many wrong choices in relationships until that point -I was 39. Not a great track record. But my desire for a husband and family outweighed the fear of making a wrong choice. What you are feeling is normal. Your reaction of throwing the baby out with the bathwater, having answers to everyone that allow you to stay in your negative comfort zone - show that you are articulate and a good debater - all while you continue to choose to get in your own way.

    You might use fancy words like romantic scenario and go on and on about abstract notions of love and perfection and fantasy - but verbiage is garbage. It's psychobabble. Wouldn't you rather come home and tell your partner that you did curbside pick up of your library book -but you don't drive so you walked -that you did some stretches while you waited for your book -and split your pants as a result? That you walked home with your shirt pulled down thankful that covid means few people are out? And you couldn't wait to tell your partner because you knew how hilarious you both would find it? Or do you want to stay in your little negative bubble thinking that it's all sooooo complicated so you're going to give up before you start?

    It's hard to meet the right person. It's hard to become the right person to find the right person. The real complication here is you choosing to get in your own way. Get out there and if you split your pants on a dance floor ask out the girl who laughs with you. Like my grad school classmate who met her future husband at grad school orientation -because he laughed when she went to sit down on a chair that was not there. It really can be that simple -but you have to be out there and decide not to be so self-absorbed and a scaredy cat. It's worth getting over the fear.
    Last edited by Batya33; 11-17-2020 at 08:06 PM.

  9. #58
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    Originally Posted by Batya33
    When you refer to "romantic scenario" do you mean a serious relationship potentially leading to marriage (and maybe kids?). You don't need faith -you can fake it till you make it. Do you really think that people who make choices have faith in themselves each time? Of course not. That's why marriage is called a "leap of faith" - you're basically making a choice and knowing that you can't possibly predict the future or whether your forever commitment and vow will last "till death do us part" - so many important choices are made with little or no faith -taking the plunge.
    In the grand scheme of things, yes, that is what I mean by "romantic scenario". But, I know that, even in a best case scenario, those things are still years away.

    Either way, I'm not necessarily talking about predicting the future or anything like that. All I mean is that I feel like I've failed so much and made so many bad decisions, that I just can't imagine myself doing it better any time soon, if ever. I feel like this is all I know how to be -- the me I've always been, the me that only ever fails and makes bad decisions. I've never known how to "fake it till I make it". I don't know how to be (or pretend to be) something I'm not.

    Originally Posted by Batya33
    You might use fancy words like romantic scenario and go on and on about abstract notions of love and perfection and fantasy - but verbiage is garbage. It's psychobabble. Wouldn't you rather come home and tell your partner that you did curbside pick up of your library book -but you don't drive so you walked -that you did some stretches while you waited for your book -and split your pants as a result? That you walked home with your shirt pulled down thankful that covid means few people are out? And you couldn't wait to tell your partner because you knew how hilarious you both would find it? Or do you want to stay in your little negative bubble thinking that it's all sooooo complicated so you're going to give up before you start?

    It's hard to meet the right person. It's hard to become the right person to find the right person. The real complication here is you choosing to get in your own way. Get out there and if you split your pants on a dance floor ask out the girl who laughs with you. Like my grad school classmate who met her future husband at grad school orientation -because he laughed when she went to sit down on a chair that was not there. It really can be that simple -but you have to be out there and decide not to be so self-absorbed and a scaredy cat. It's worth getting over the fear.
    Well, yeah, that's the relationship/ life I would like to be able to have. I'm just not really sure I feel like I can actually have that with anyone.

    Like I said, I feel like my best case scenario is to make peace with a relationship that is "good enough, I guess". I'm sure I could find those if I looked a little harder. But... I dunno. I think I'm always going to pine for the idea of being with someone I really "want" to be with.

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    Originally Posted by SonicHighway
    In the grand scheme of things, yes, that is what I mean by "romantic scenario". But, I know that, even in a best case scenario, those things are still years away.

    Either way, I'm not necessarily talking about predicting the future or anything like that. All I mean is that I feel like I've failed so much and made so many bad decisions, that I just can't imagine myself doing it better any time soon, if ever. I feel like this is all I know how to be -- the me I've always been, the me that only ever fails and makes bad decisions. I've never known how to "fake it till I make it". I don't know how to be (or pretend to be) something I'm not.



    Well, yeah, that's the relationship/ life I would like to be able to have. I'm just not really sure I feel like I can actually have that with anyone.

    Like I said, I feel like my best case scenario is to make peace with a relationship that is "good enough, I guess". I'm sure I could find those if I looked a little harder. But... I dunno. I think I'm always going to pine for the idea of being with someone I really "want" to be with.
    Yes, pining will make you feel like you are "doing" something and give you an excuse to tell yourself you're just such a romantic, and soooo emotional so you'll just "pine". Please. Many people fail/make mistakes and brush themselves off and try, try again. Did you miss that day in kindergarten? Don't do the woe is me guess I'll settle for scraps thing. Just not a good look, k? Every time you say you "don't know" or you "can't" - you're lying to yourself. So pine away -for your lost self - except you can find that self once you give yourself a bit of a self-talk pep talk where you decide to stop this don't/can't/woe is me pity party nonsense. well actually -give yourself 5 minutes a day - but five minutes all at once!! - to have a huge Pity Party. But just for five minutes -totally beat yourself up about what a failure you are, how you've only been into two women your whole life, how EVERYONE but you has an easy time finding marital bliss -I mean just look at social media for like ten seconds -no five seconds!!

    After your Pity Party is over for the day brush yourself off and decide on one thing you will do that day towards your goal. And "don't/can't" are not allowed to be part of your vocabulary.

    Fake it till you make it simply means that for the time being you act "as if" knowing that over time it won't be "as if" it will be you.

    Here's an example -I met over 100 men in person through on line sites -went on probably 50 or more blind dates besides. Often I'd have a little stage fright when we were supposed to meet -when I'd enter the restaurant or cafe. I would tell myself silently "you are beautiful and glamorous and he is lucky to meet you" (also I was kind of klutzy despite being petite so I was always worried I'd be awkward and knock something over on my way to the table lol) - I wasn't beautiful. Or glamorous. No I didn't feel like the guy was lucky. I just told myself that so I could approach him with good posture, with confidence, with presence and relaxed. Watch the old episode of the Brady Bunch where Marcia gets over her stage fright by imagining the audience is in their underwear. That's what I mean. Don't be something your not for any length of time other than to get over the little rough spots, the bumps in the road. Just like you would at a job interview.

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