Facebook share
LinkedIn share
Google plus share
Twitter plus share
Give Advice
Ask For Advice
Page 3 of 6 FirstFirst 123456 LastLast
Results 21 to 30 of 59

Thread: Is this just what "compromise" is?

  1. #21
    Platinum Member
    Join Date
    Mar 2006
    Posts
    52,360
    Originally Posted by SonicHighway
    Well, I wasn't really "thinking" much about this FWB thing. Since it started, I've just been "going with it" and indulging in the fun of it, but it happened so quickly, and it just started catching up with me over the last couple of days.

    I wouldn't necessarily say I "lack faith in humanity" or anything so dire. It's just, it really feels to me like what I really "want" either just doesn't exist, or that I'll never be able to figure out how to find it.

    Is casual sex/ FWB what I "want"? Well, no. It's not. But... what else do I really have at this point?
    But this is not an FWB. You are sexting with a stranger who may or may not be a woman, who may or may not be single. This is not a friend of yours who you've now decided to have a sexual arrangement with. Labeling this as if you are interacting with a real person in person -let alone a "friend" makes no sense especially since you're already feeling confused -just adds to the confusion.

    What do you want? Would you tell your friend to settle in this way -makes no sense -the choice is not "what else do I have" to justify sexting with a stranger - you have time to make plans to reach your goal. And you still haven't said (either here or apparently to yourself) specifically what you want (or think you want) in a serious relationship leading to forever.

  2. #22
    Platinum Member
    Join Date
    Mar 2006
    Posts
    52,360
    Originally Posted by SonicHighway
    I mean, it isn't. But it's more than I've ever had before. It's "different". It's a new experience. It's someone that's attracted to me, someone that's sexually excited about me, someone that's giving me attention that wants my attention as well.



    Eh. I've always been trying to figure out what my "musts" are, but I can't really define it, unfortunately. I've only really been attracted (as far as wanting a serious relationship with) to two different women in my life, and between them, I can't really draw any similarities. They're both very different people.

    I can't even begin to figure out where such a woman would exist, or how I'd go about finding her. I just... don't know. I don't know.
    Well no make a specific list -not based on the two women you say you've been attracted to. Of course we can have different types- you make a list not depending on those women - what do you want in a serious relationship -what are your musts, what are your dealbreakers. Make categories if needed like physical type, interests, values, goals.

    You have no idea if this stranger is sexually excited by you -it's someone you've never met in person - and the attention is not "attention" - it's easy to sext with a stranger -takes little effort other than time and a device. She's not paying attention to you -she's paying attention to a screen and to herself (if it is actually a woman).

  3. #23
    Member
    Join Date
    Sep 2020
    Posts
    90
    She and I have video chatted several times, now, so I know she's not "catfishing" me or anything like that. We may not have physically been in the same room together yet, but we've been "face to face" on video "dates". And I know that she is poly, but not "romantic"; she currently has another FWB, and prior to covid, she is involved in a local kink community, and had an active sex life as part of that. I think if she were lying about herself to try to sucker me in, she probably wouldn't have went with that sort of "story".

    That said, it's true that I don't know whether her "excitement" to me is genuine or if she's just telling me things I want to hear, for some reason unbeknownst to me. I admit, I'm pretty naïve to this kind of thing in general, but it feels nice for someone to be giving me this kind of attention. It's certainly possible I could be being "suckered in" to something, and I wouldn't necessarily notice the glaring "red flags" if they were there. I don't necessarily get any "bad vibes" from her, she seems "genuine" from what I can tell. But I'd admit, it does feel strange that she seems so "excited" about me in such a short period of time. Then again, with her being poly, she's only really been seeing her one FWB for the last several months, so perhaps she's just really excited to find someone new to add to her mix? I dunno.

    Originally Posted by Batya33
    Would you tell your friend to settle in this way
    Well, no, but that's different. She's a likable woman; she has more options than I could even imagine, because there's probably an endless amount of guys that would jump at the chance to date her, and all she really has to do is sift through them and find one that she likes a lot. Which, sure, will probably take some time and not be super easy. But she still has all of those plentiful options. Me, I don't really have "options". And don't get me wrong, I don't consider myself to be an "unattractive" kind of guy or anything like that, but at the same time, there isn't exactly an endless supply of women that would jump at the chance to date me, yanno? It's incredibly rare for me to even find someone that I can be more than an "acquaintance" with, let alone be something more than friends with. I don't feel like I have the liberty of "having options". I feel like I have to take what I can get, because there just isn't much of anything out there for me.

    Originally Posted by Batya33
    Well no make a specific list -not based on the two women you say you've been attracted to. Of course we can have different types- you make a list not depending on those women - what do you want in a serious relationship -what are your musts, what are your dealbreakers. Make categories if needed like physical type, interests, values, goals.
    I mean, like I said, I've spent a lot of time trying to figure this kind of thing out in the past, and all I can really come up with are very general things that aren't so easy to "quantify".

    The most I can really say is that I want someone who is my "best friend", someone I can talk about anything with, someone I can laugh with, someone I can go on little "adventures" with, someone I can be completely honest and open and comfortable with, someone I can share affection and intimacy with (both physically and mentally/ emotionally), someone in which we share a mutual excitement about each other, etc. That's all I can really come up with. Beyond that, I got nothing. I don't feel like I have a "type", or anything like that. It kind of just feels like a "I'll know it when I see it" kind of thing, but thus far, that's only really happened twice in my life. And neither time has amounted to anything more than friendship.

    So... I don't know. For the most part, I never really feel any sense of personal attraction to women that I meet or come across. And I mean that in a mutual way. It's like, everyone I encounter is just an "acquaintance" at best. That's not to say I've had "bad" or "negative" experiences with anyone, nor that I feel disinterested, per se, but... there's just never anything there between me and anyone else. I admit, it's been a couple years, now, since I've had ways to meet and interact with new people in the "real world", but for the previous 10+ years, that is my experience with the many people (including women) that I'd met all throughout my 20s. Nothing between us, I mean.

    I've been trying to give an honest shot to online dating/ dating apps for the last couple of months, but even then, there's just never really anything there. Matches for me are few and far between, and when they do happen, the conversations don't amount to much. I did manage to go on a single date last month, and it was okay, but again... Just nothing there.

    From what I can see, most people have a much easier time finding others that they feel "excited" about or attracted to, and even if those relationships don't end up leading to lifelong partnerships, most people seem to be able to date and have relationships with relative ease. Me, I don't really get it. I couldn't make any progress on that at all throughout my 20s, and now it's starting to feel like my 30s are starting to fly by, too. It's just frustrating, because it really doesn't feel like what I "want" is ever going to happen for me. I just can't see it.

  4. #24
    Platinum Member bluecastle's Avatar
    Join Date
    Dec 2017
    Posts
    4,845
    Gender
    Male
    Originally Posted by SonicHighway
    I wouldn't necessarily say I "lack faith in humanity" or anything so dire. It's just, it really feels to me like what I really "want" either just doesn't exist, or that I'll never be able to figure out how to find it.

    Is casual sex/ FWB what I "want"? Well, no. It's not. But... what else do I really have at this point?
    There is a fatalism to your words that is distressing. Are you familiar with the concept of a scarcity vs abundance in terms of mindset? Might be worth reading about a bit.

    You're early 30s, which is young. That's just a fact based on average human life expectancy: you have spent more of your life, at this point, as a child than as an adult. Best I understand things, you have not spent much of your adult time being proactive on the romantic front—more observing, pondering, self-judging. Which is absolutely fine! You have your reasons for that, reasons perhaps you haven't fully reckoned with, which is also fine. All in good time. And friend? There is time.

    Now, it seems, you're challenging yourself to approach things more actively, wading a toe in: with your friend, with a so-so date, with this woman. Wonderful! Shake the snow globe and all that presents a story of abundance: options, exploration, a compass sharpening. What you have "at this point" is...quite a bit. Your last thread on here made it sound like your friend was the only woman on planet earth. Five minutes later, during a pandemic no less, you've met one woman, have this opportunity. Think about that as if it were a math problem: odds are in your favor that there is more than all this, as long as you make the effort to find it and clarify what you want.

    A dash of casual sex, a salt shake of a casual relationship—these things don't have to be seen as "settling" for something we don't want. We are allowed, as humans, to want partnership, say, but to also some hot sauce, just like we allowed to want to eat healthy and occasionally enjoy a plate of nachos washed down with a bourbon. We are allowed to stumble around a bit, slip on the ice.

    Like Rose, my impression is that engaging with this woman, right now, in a sexual way may not be ideal with your present attitude, but I share all this to encourage you to cut yourself a bit of slack and let the aperture open a bit.

  5.  

  6. #25
    Platinum Member Jibralta's Avatar
    Join Date
    Mar 2016
    Posts
    5,191
    Gender
    Female
    It's a little premature to be drawing conclusions about compromise in relationships.

    When people talk about compromise in relationships, they mean agreements between the two people who are in a relationship.

    You are not in a relationship. In your case, you are compromising yourself and your own relationship goals.

    You got involved with someone who you don't want to be in a relationship with.

    You did this because you can't be in a relationship with the person that you do want to be with.

    It's like you're trying to prove that if you can't be with your friend, you can't be with anyone.

    That's silly. It's a defeatist attitude.

    Yes, dating can be an unpleasant, arduous experience. But you have absolutely no chance of success if you give up before you even start.

  7. #26
    Bronze Member maritalbliss86's Avatar
    Join Date
    Aug 2017
    Location
    US
    Age
    34
    Posts
    101
    Gender
    Female
    LOL Bluecastle's comparison to food made me immediately recall this scene!!!

    Maybe I'm just immature...

    [Register to see the link]

  8. #27
    Bronze Member maritalbliss86's Avatar
    Join Date
    Aug 2017
    Location
    US
    Age
    34
    Posts
    101
    Gender
    Female
    I think like what the other's said, if you want something different (sounds like you want a genuine relationship where you feel like you're deeply in love with someone), then you won't ever be truly happy with just a FWB situation.

    Life doesn't have to be complicated though, you either choose that, and realize you won't feel truly fulfilled deep down according to what you're saying, OR just be picky and go after women who are what you actually want.

    I'm sure you can do it.

  9. #28
    Member
    Join Date
    Sep 2020
    Posts
    90
    Originally Posted by bluecastle
    Now, it seems, you're challenging yourself to approach things more actively, wading a toe in: with your friend, with a so-so date, with this woman. Wonderful! Shake the snow globe and all that presents a story of abundance: options, exploration, a compass sharpening. What you have "at this point" is...quite a bit. Your last thread on here made it sound like your friend was the only woman on planet earth. Five minutes later, during a pandemic no less, you've met one woman, have this opportunity. Think about that as if it were a math problem: odds are in your favor that there is more than all this, as long as you make the effort to find it and clarify what you want.
    Perhaps, but is there really much to any of these things? I haven't had the chance to actually talk to my friend but it's likely that will lead to nothing. The one date I did go on last month amounted to nothing and I haven't met anyone new to try going on dates with. And even with my current "FWB" woman, that could easily fizzle out at any moment (especially since she and I aren't super local, so traveling might eventually erode interest). Right now, this "FWB" thing is really the only thing I have going on, and it's iffy enough that it could easily go away, and if/ when it does, I'm back to not really having anything.

    Granted, that's not to be overly negative or pessimistic about these things. I'm just not sure I really look at these situations and feel like I have an "abundance of options". At the end of the day, I have feelings for a friend I likely can't be with, I went on one date that amounted to nothing, and I'm currently engaging with a woman I met online in a possibly questionable "long distance FWB" type situation. So, I dunno.

    Originally Posted by Jibralta
    You got involved with someone who you don't want to be in a relationship with.

    You did this because you can't be in a relationship with the person that you do want to be with.

    It's like you're trying to prove that if you can't be with your friend, you can't be with anyone.

    That's silly. It's a defeatist attitude.

    Yes, dating can be an unpleasant, arduous experience. But you have absolutely no chance of success if you give up before you even start.
    I don't really think of it as "If I can't have my friend, I can't have anyone". It's just... Okay, so, I haven't really been thinking about "dating" in a very long time. 4+ years, I'd estimate. I had put it out of my mind, I wasn't thinking about it, I wasn't dwelling on it, I wasn't allowing myself to feel that sense of "loneliness", I was just trying to focus on what I did have, and getting through my day to day life as it came to me. I'd put it out of my mind, and I was doing fine, I think.

    When I started having feelings for my friend, it's like the "flood gates" opened up in my head, and I've not been able to stop thinking about my "loneliness", and my desire for human companionship. And with my friend, I felt like we're already sort of "halfway there"; we're really good friends, really close, we seem to care about and value each other quite a bit. Being able to take that into something more just seems so wonderful, like exactly what I'd want. So, it's difficult and painful having to accept that that's just "fantasy" that likely can't ever happen in real life.

    And I know she'll undoubtedly be able to find someone sooner rather than later. I'd be shocked if she's not in a new relationship by January or February. She'll find someone that she's happy and excited with, and has all of those things with, and she'll start building a life with someone, and I'll... still be here, exactly where I am, alone, with no real options or prospects on the horizon.

    This combination of thoughts had been weighing on me quite heavily for the last few weeks... Knowing that I can't truly be with my best friend, realizing how very "lonely" I am for that kind of companionship, feeling like I have no real options, knowing I'll have to watch the person I really want to be with right now build a life with someone else while I remain alone... It's been keeping me in a pretty low place.

    This FWB situation kind of came out of nowhere, and while it's certainly not what I "want" in the long term, it's been a solid distraction (at least up until the last couple of days). She's been making me feel good about myself, she's been helping me feel excited, we've been having fun, I haven't been "thinking' much about anything else... But now that the "newness" is wearing off, everything is kind of hitting me, and I'm starting to take a step back and actually process what's been going on over the last couple of weeks. And I'm just feeling weird about all of it.

    I don't know what, if anything, will come of this FWB situation. Maybe we'll keep it going and eventually meet up and have sex. Maybe we'll keep chatting but it'll gradually decline and we'll fizzle out. I don't know. But it's "more" than what I had before, even if it's not what I really "want". What I "want" feels impossibly out of reach, and if I can't have what I "want", I dunno, I guess I just figure maybe I need to learn to be happy with what is available to me, even if it's not what I was hoping for or expecting. I dunno.

  10. #29
    Member
    Join Date
    Sep 2020
    Posts
    90
    Originally Posted by maritalbliss86
    Life doesn't have to be complicated though, you either choose that, and realize you won't feel truly fulfilled deep down according to what you're saying, OR just be picky and go after women who are what you actually want.
    Well, "picky" or not, it doesn't appear to me like there are any women to "go after" for what I "really want". Or if they are, I sure as heck don't know how or where to find them.

  11. #30
    Platinum Member Rose Mosse's Avatar
    Join Date
    Mar 2019
    Posts
    4,552
    Originally Posted by SonicHighway
    This FWB situation kind of came out of nowhere, and while it's certainly not what I "want" in the long term, it's been a solid distraction (at least up until the last couple of days). She's been making me feel good about myself, she's been helping me feel excited, we've been having fun, I haven't been "thinking' much about anything else... But now that the "newness" is wearing off, everything is kind of hitting me, and I'm starting to take a step back and actually process what's been going on over the last couple of weeks. And I'm just feeling weird about all of it.
    Well yes. It's like thinking of a Michelin star restaurant and anticipating the head chef cooking for you and then ending up in the drive through of McDonalds. It is definitely going to be weird.

    Good for you for recognizing that. I think you're thinking about things critically which is good. Most people just end up at the McD's drive thru and couldn't care less. You do. That's the difference.

    Why not just keep it at arm's length and don't agree to meet up with her? What's the point anyway? Getting an STD? Covid? Being part of someone's "mix"? I don't know about you but there's something dehumanizing about this and it devalues the intimacy shared between two people.

    I have opportunities to meet for sex and while I've done it here and there it doesn't offer much by way of fulfilment or interest in the long term. I also have a tendency to compartmentalize naturally... probably since I was a child so I'm not opposed and don't find it difficult thinking of people or things for specific purposes. If there's no reason to overlap, I don't overlap or confuse emotions for purpose. I think I lose interest fairly quickly and either end up being impatient or unresponsive. Similar to you, there is a pervasive weirdness about it that has never sat well with me even though the fun of it is apparent at the beginning. There is something richer about being with someone with whom you can connect with on more than one level and I can't continue to keep interacting for example with an FWB with the emotional range of a jellyfish.

    Whatever you are looking for it's possible. I still don't think casual sex is wrong. But you'll have to determine whether it's important enough for you to engage with or whether its reward is great enough for you to spend energy or time on. We travel through life, I believe, in different periods or with different sets of challenges. At any time you'll find yourself longing for companionship or friendship. There are lots of people out there. Lots of choices too. It's really up to you.

Page 3 of 6 FirstFirst 123456 LastLast

Videos


Maintaining A Strong Relationship

Detaching From a Malignant Man

Divorced Parents Prefer Technology and Social Media As Communication Tool

Wedding Jitters Could Be a Predictor for a Future Divorce

Botox Fights Depression And Makes You Feel Happier

Men Are More Sensitive than Women when Having Relationship Problems
Give Advice
Ask For Advice

Tags for this Thread

Posting Permissions

  • You may not post new threads
  • You may not post replies
  • You may not post attachments
  • You may not edit your posts
  •