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Thread: Is this just what "compromise" is?

  1. #11
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    Be wary if someone tells you "i am not looking for a relationship" right off the bat. They will meet with you, maybe sleep with you and when you have feelings they will say "oh, remember, i don't want anything serious." The dating could go on for months or years and then they have an out as soon as they find someone more interesting or you get too serious for them.

    Its fine to go out with that person if you just want to get out of the house to have experience going on a date, but don't think of it as anything more because they are not for you

    On the other hand, if you date someone who who doesn't tell you that and is just focused on meeting someone for coffee or whatever you are allowed to do in your state, you meet, see if there is enough there and then have a second date. And a third date, and then pretty soon both of you know whether the two of you are both interested in eachother/want to date eachother.

    When i was unsure about stepping out into the dating pool and had a chance to meet my guy for lunch as a first meet, a friend of mine said "its just lunch." "he may be the love of your life -- he may not be --- but either way, its just lunch. if it doesn't work out - -- you just had a nice lunch".

  2. #12
    Platinum Member Andrina's Avatar
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    Sounds like you've been passive in the dating world and might've poured a lot of your emotional energy and time into your female friend. Finding a potential lifetime companion can be like a full time job. It's like sifting through a lot of sand to find the treasure. After my first marriage ended, I went on dates with about 30 men in a 2 and a half year period before I met the man who eventually became my second husband. And how many men I talked to and ruled out, or they ruled me out, amounted to even more. I did OLD, I went to Meetup.com groups. I took East Coast Swing group dance lessons and attended the dance that happened afterwards.

    Hopefully a vaccine for COVID will be happening early next year so you can venture out more to do things like that which you have you spreading your net wide to catch the fish meant for you.

    I wouldn't go for the FWB thing. For one thing, it could make you less appealing if you reveal that to a potential future partner. Or if she finds out by accident, or you feel weird hiding it. Though to each his own, and I don't care how others operate in life, except for a partner I'm choosing--I wouldn't feel comfortable if he revealed that to me, since it's never been my style to be in a FWB situation.

    Make sure your self worth is healthy, or you will attract, and be attracted to, toxic people.

    I've seen a couple meet when they volunteered at the zoo. Volunteering at zoos, museums, environmental cleanups, Habitat for Humanity, etc. is great for meeting quality people. Join a co-ed sports team. Take up a new hobby like pottery or painting. Take sign language. If you have a dog, take him/her on walks in different places instead of the neighborhood, like by a lake or go to a dog park. Getting yourself out in the world when safe to do so will grant you a higher risk of success than sitting home and watching t.v. or hanging out with a female friend.

    I wish you the best of luck. Keep us updated.

  3. #13
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    Originally Posted by Rose Mosse
    You also seem extremely nervous about meeting someone for sex. Until you reconcile this or feel better about it, I think you are settling and going to feel worse after you meet her. Dial back the communications, refocus what matters to you and if dating locally and meeting someone for something a bit more low key and serious is what you prefer, don't make any compromises about that.
    I mean, casual sex/ FWB isn't something I would've pursued on my own, and in the long run, it's not what I "want". But this connection she and I have developed is fun and exciting, and I, myself, don't see her as someone I want to be in a "relationship" with. In the long run, I would prefer to be in a proper relationship, but I'm not so sure I believe I'll find someone that will be what I'm looking for, and it seems like maybe I can at least "compartmentalize" the things I'm looking for across different people. I dunno.

    Originally Posted by Batya33
    Yes.
    Yes it's unrealistic and way too vague to expect someone to be your "everything."
    Well, I don't mean "my everything" in the sense of "my whole world"; all I'm saying is that I always dreamed of having a partner that is my best friend, my lover, someone I can be my truest self with, someone who I can talk with and laugh with and be flirty with, someone who wants me as much as I want them. But I don't know. Can I have all of those things with someone? It sure doesn't seem like it, from what I've seen in my life. So, I don't know, maybe it just makes more sense to look for those things across different people instead of hoping to find one person that can be all of those things.

    Originally Posted by bluecastle
    Not sure if that helps. Imagine there's a sense of pressure, here in your 30s, in a pandemic, wanting to be on a different spot on the bell curve than you feel yourself to be. Inhale, exhale. I think, all in all, that's how we all feel, at times, regardless of our age or experience.
    Yeah. I dunno. I'm just tired of being "alone", and at this point, I'm just so desperate to have "something" with someone. And it just doesn't feel like what I want is out there. Or if it is, I can't imagine being able to find it. I'm just tired of it.

    Originally Posted by abitbroken
    Be wary if someone tells you "i am not looking for a relationship" right off the bat. They will meet with you, maybe sleep with you and when you have feelings they will say "oh, remember, i don't want anything serious." The dating could go on for months or years and then they have an out as soon as they find someone more interesting or you get too serious for them.
    Well, in this case, the way she and I met online wasn't initially about something happening between she and I. We met on a forum, not unlike this one, talking about sex and relationship troubles. She mentioned something to me about the "kink" community being a potential way for me to explore sex. I reached out to her privately to ask her more about that stuff and her involvement, then things got flirty between us, and it just exploded from there.

    I know from the get go that she's poly and not monogamous, and active in her local kink community. So, I have no expectations or interest in something more than FWB .

  4. #14
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    Following up to Andrina as I took a very similar and extremely proactive approach -in addition to how she's seen people meet I know of several couples who met volunteering backstage in community theater.

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  6. #15
    Platinum Member catfeeder's Avatar
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    If you're willing to set your bar so low that you'll mess around with anyone who will deal with you, then that's not against the law, it's just not a great idea to expect anything meaningful to shake out of that.

    Either you know what you want, or you don't. If not, there you are. If so, then create profiles that specify what you want. From there, screen people to learn whether they're looking for the same things you want, and if not, skip them.

    Nobody can tell you that taking the long road and the hard way is 'wrong' or 'bad,' because nobody else is living our lives for us--so they don't get a vote. But speaking only for myself, I don't see value in engaging people who's wants and goals don't match my own.

    There's a difference between compromising on certain things, like where to eat or what color of a couch to buy, within a relationship that otherwise meets your desires and goals with someone you love versus compromising your goals altogether just to spend time with anyone who will give you some of theirs.

  7. #16
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    Well, it's more that I'm just not so sure what I "want" is really realistic or likely at all. I'm already early 30s, and I've not really even come close to finding that yet. I'm just... tired, and lonely, and frustrated. I don't know. I just want something, anything, at this point. Having to "compartmentalize" aspects of what I want across different people certainly isn't ideal, and in the long run, probably not very fulfilling. But it's something. And I don't know what else to do at this point.

  8. #17
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    What you do is you literally write out what you want - the qualities your partner would have, the "musts", - then make a list of all the places this person is likely to be found -based on her interests, characteristics, etc. Evaluate what you are willing to do -meaning front line boots on the ground stuff -to be where people like her are likely to be. How is sexting with a stranger "something" when it comes to finding a potentially serious relationship? What in the world does your sexting with a stranger have to do with your goal?

  9. #18
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    Originally Posted by Batya33
    How is sexting with a stranger "something" when it comes to finding a potentially serious relationship? What in the world does your sexting with a stranger have to do with your goal?
    I mean, it isn't. But it's more than I've ever had before. It's "different". It's a new experience. It's someone that's attracted to me, someone that's sexually excited about me, someone that's giving me attention that wants my attention as well.

    Originally Posted by Batya33
    What you do is you literally write out what you want - the qualities your partner would have, the "musts", - then make a list of all the places this person is likely to be found -based on her interests, characteristics, etc. Evaluate what you are willing to do -meaning front line boots on the ground stuff -to be where people like her are likely to be.
    Eh. I've always been trying to figure out what my "musts" are, but I can't really define it, unfortunately. I've only really been attracted (as far as wanting a serious relationship with) to two different women in my life, and between them, I can't really draw any similarities. They're both very different people.

    I can't even begin to figure out where such a woman would exist, or how I'd go about finding her. I just... don't know. I don't know.

  10. #19
    Platinum Member Rose Mosse's Avatar
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    It sounds like it's something you're interested in trying out. There are some basic guidelines though. 1) you shouldn't have to work so hard for a friends with benefits or travel out of your way and 2) it shouldn't take this much thought or so much work.

    Maybe it's something you need to get out of the way and dabble in before you start to find more confidence in yourself. Similar to Catfeeder's comment, I don't think anyone can tell you that casual sex is right or wrong. You are the one who should make that decision. You should be prepared to fall flat quite fast if you're looking for something more than that in general. In other words, your expectations may be a little too high and you might want to adjust how hard you're working or how much thought you're putting into someone who essentially means nothing to you in your world or brings no intellectual or substantial value or reward.

    Your initial concern was that you were compromising because you lack faith in humanity in general or your ability to find someone who matches you. I think this is the heart of the problem and your depression or negative outlook might cause you to go around in circles ruminating this again like you did having feelings for your best friend or you may be stuck mentally in a vortex of fwb, believing it to be your only choice in life or chance at happiness. This is a very alarming outlook.

    Bearing all this in mind, it doesn't mean you can't do what you want to do with this person. I don't recommend it knowing your thoughts or having read the situation. Just be wary, that's all. And stay safe.

  11. #20
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    Well, I wasn't really "thinking" much about this FWB thing. Since it started, I've just been "going with it" and indulging in the fun of it, but it happened so quickly, and it just started catching up with me over the last couple of days.

    I wouldn't necessarily say I "lack faith in humanity" or anything so dire. It's just, it really feels to me like what I really "want" either just doesn't exist, or that I'll never be able to figure out how to find it.

    Is casual sex/ FWB what I "want"? Well, no. It's not. But... what else do I really have at this point?

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