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Thread: Sad, scared, depressed and need help thinking this through

  1. #1
    Gold Member janut1's Avatar
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    Sad, scared, depressed and need help thinking this through

    I just need some fresh eyes on this because I am pretty upset and depressed and in a tail spin.

    My daughter, grandson and I rented a home together to cut back on expenses. We had spoken about buying a home together but wanted to wait a year or two to get some money saved for a down payment. At the time, she just started a new job in town and it was a great job at that. I was working Full Time too.

    We've lived here for 2 years now and its actually been okay. Its been nice for me to have people around and spend time with my grandson that is now a young teen. When it was time to sign our new lease she told me she didn't want to stay here for another year. I asked her why and she mumbled something about a house and you won't be on the deed. I said oh why? She decided that she is buying a home on her own. I was in shock. I got very emotional and started to cry a little and she said Don't be so dramatic. Really? Of course I'm upset! She told me
    i'm a big girl and Ill figure it out. I had no idea she wasn't happy here. She never told me she had any issues with me and really I'm pretty quiet and keep to myself an work around her schedule.

    Long story short, I lost my job due to Covid. I'm looking for work but at my age (60) its been difficult. So right now is the worst time for me to find a new place to live. Yea, I can get roommates here, but I really don't want to live with strangers and worry about all that comes with roommates and the rent is very high for one person.

    So then she tells me I can rent a room from her temporarily until I get my inheritance, which will be here in January, fingers crossed So I'm like OK, that sounds good, so I relax. Then she starts looking at multi family places to buy, so that's even better as I could have my own place and she hers, but share the ownership, then she decides against that, then she decides she isn't going to buy right now, the she changes her mind and starts looking again. So, she came home this week and said, don't freak out, I put a offer on a place and its probably going to go through. Great! I think at least I can rent a room temporarily and it will be okay for awhile. NOPE! She said, you don't want to move twice, so you should stay here until end of January and once you get your money find your own place. I was thinking about buying a mobile home, but they are very complicated with buying the mobile, then renting the space, which in our town is just as expensive as rent.

    So she is basically is running the show and making my life a roller coaster ride. I feel like she just is so cold and not very understanding of others feelings. I would not do this to her at all. It would of been better if she would of communicated to me when she made that decision to not buy a house with me, so I could of not been blindsided. She did tell me that since covid, she hasn't invited anyone here because I said she couldn't. I never said that. I think at the beginning I said we need to be careful because I am older and her son has asthma and allergies and other stuff going on, so we are both a bit more vulnerable. I never said she couldn't invite people over, and she never talk to me about that.

    So how in the heck am I going to find an apartment or granny unit to rent with no job, unemployment pays crap. I am looking for a job, every day submitting applications, calling recruiters. I can't take a minimum wage job because its worse then unemployment pay. It has to be a decent paying job or I won't qualify for a rental. Our housing for lower wages has a long list, so they can't help me right now either. I feel scared, sad and very unset.

    There's more, but that's the short story. Any insights? Any other points of view welcome. Thank you!

  2. #2
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    My guess is she didn't communicate with you concerning issues she was having living with you and didn't communicate when she needed space or wanted to have people over -so this is the cowardly way out -she can just wash her hands of it and blithely say she bought a place. I'm sorry you're in such a tough situation. Are there any friends/family you can move in with temporarily?

  3. #3
    Gold Member janut1's Avatar
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    My friend offered me to stay in her place temporarily, and I may have to take her up on it. Ill be couch surfing there, so will have to rent a storage unit to put all my stuff in and only take a suitcase or two.

    I agree. Communication is key in any relationship. Our relationship will be forever changed. Never will I ever do this again.


    Originally Posted by Batya33
    My guess is she didn't communicate with you concerning issues she was having living with you and didn't communicate when she needed space or wanted to have people over -so this is the cowardly way out -she can just wash her hands of it and blithely say she bought a place. I'm sorry you're in such a tough situation. Are there any friends/family you can move in with temporarily?

  4. #4
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    Originally Posted by janut1
    My friend offered me to stay in her place temporarily, and I may have to take her up on it. Ill be couch surfing there, so will have to rent a storage unit to put all my stuff in and only take a suitcase or two.

    I agree. Communication is key in any relationship. Our relationship will be forever changed. Never will I ever do this again.
    I'm so sorry you're in this situation!

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  6. #5
    Platinum Member reinventmyself's Avatar
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    Wow. I'm so sorry. I hope you can tell her exactly how you feel.
    If the tables were turned and it was your personal desire to move alone, you wouldnt put your daughter in a compromising situation like this. Certainly not without a conversation.
    The fact she wasn't transparent about it shows she knew it would be awkward. If was on the up and up she wouldn't hesitate to talk to you about it.

  7. #6
    Gold Member janut1's Avatar
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    Exactly. A conversation would of been nice. I told her this is the worst time for me, but she only says, get room mates here. The big girl reference was really a put off. I'm her mom, not a stranger. No I would never ever do this to her. I would of talked to her about it, gave her some time to find a place or a job and then buy a home. I don't think I've ever been in a place where I didn't have a home to lay my head or a job. These are tough times for a lot of people, shes just lucky she was not laid off and has such a high paying job.

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    Definitely stop pinning your accomodation plans on her, she has shown consistently she is an unreliable actor.

    My 2 cents is if you already have a house, get a roommate (if you are willing to share the house in its entirety and allow someone else to make it their home). Or a boarder (if youíre not comfortable ceding that much of your space). All i have ever known is share housing and personally iíd rather take the chance on co habitation than voluntarily put myself in a position of homelessness. (With the exception of the highly anxious and the highly introverted) I canít fathom the cost benefit analysis that thinks losing your home is less stressful than taking in a housemate.
    Last edited by 1a1a; 11-12-2020 at 10:44 PM. Reason: Dumb autocorrect

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    I'm sorry your feelings were hurt and I understand it's a difficult situation. I think the lack of communication is the problem but to be really honest I think it's actually normal not to want to live with your parents when you're an adult. As an adult it's important to have your own space and privacy. For example, if she wanted to date men and invite a man over. She really wouldn't have much privacy with both you and your grandson there. My Mum is also 60 (I'm 35) and I'm actually very close with her and love her. But I don't want to live with her because I want to be independent and have privacy. It's awkward to have people over when you live with your parents and have sex with someone when your parent is in the next room. It's just a guess but I'd say your daughter's decision is not personal towards you but she just wants her own space and freedom. If her son moves out in his late teens or early 20's, she might want a place to herself.

  10. #9
    Gold Member janut1's Avatar
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    Thank you for your perspective. Yes I miss my privacy too. I may be 60 but I still like to think I can date and have fun. I also understand her need for space. Itís just how she handled it and the timing.

  11. #10
    Platinum Member Rose Mosse's Avatar
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    Is there someone who can help you with your cv? It's unlikely that things will improve if it's gotten to this state. I agree about trying not to take this personally and starting to find employment and a place on your own. I have some very strong opinions about this but it's not going to help your situation.

    The issue is lack of employment at the moment. Would it help if you reached out to previous contacts or speak with people who may know of any temp openings even for example? Can you look into a temp agency as well?

    The quicker you find your feet in all this the less and less your daughter's stance has a chance to cloud your vision or how smoothly you're able to transition. I have been in a similar position under different circumstances and have some idea of the terror and fear that you are feeling. You can overcome it.

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