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Thread: how can i be more open?

  1. #1
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    how can i be more open?

    my boyfriend and i have been dating for almost 10 months now and were both second year college students. our relationship would often consists of fights because of my attitude towards him or how i act, i admit that im sometimes immature when it comes to being demanding and sometimes cant be understanding towards my partner, but i feel like im always too criticized by my boyfriend.

    In our friend group he is always known to be very direct and straight to the point, so its no different that he applies that too in the relationship which is no problem for me. But lately its been different for me. In relationships its normal to be open with one another when it comes to their problems, we rant or become vulnerable with each other. I would often open up about my issues to my bf, issues about my social anxiety back in high school and stuff or about my past relationships, of course after hearing those from me he would try and comfort me.

    But Whenever we fight he would often bring up those things i opened up to him in an insulting way, as though he found my weakness and used it against me and completely forgot the fact that he comforted me about those things. He would always do this in our arguments that it deeply hurts me, it makes me want to show him that most people would kill just to see their partner be vocal about their feelings.

    There are often times where i get stressed or sad about something and the first thing i think about is to tell about them to my boyfriend, but now id just be so frustrated with my self because I know I cant really do that anymore towards my boyfriend, it frustrates me because i know wouldnt feel great venting things to him because I know he wouldnt comfort me or maybe hell just use my experience against me again.

    I do plan on opening this up to him but I fear that it may lead to a fight or he might correct me again and again because there might be something wrong with that im adressing. Sometimes I want my boyfriend to not be too firm on me and I would want to be free enough to share my feelings to him without the fear of being judged.

  2. #2
    Platinum Member Wiseman2's Avatar
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    Unfortunately, he fights dirty and is Not someone you can confide in safely. This is not normal, and you need to consider ending it.

    Sadly my adice about him remains the same:
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    Originally Posted by seanelly
    -i feel like im always too criticized by my boyfriend.

    -Whenever we fight he would often bring up those things i opened up to him in an insulting way, as though he found my weakness and used it against me

    -I do plan on opening this up to him but I fear that it may lead to a fight or he might correct me again and again because there might be something wrong with that im adressing.

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    I think this is a very typical communication issue. When you vent he heads a problem he needs to solve for you - when you need comfort and empathy. It would help if you told him you dont need him to solve the issue, but just to listen and lend a shoulder. His intentions are probably good as wants to help - but helping in wrong way.

    As for brining it up later thats a little more harsh and I would say more difficult to correct this behaviour.

  4. #4
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    You are focusing on the wrong problems here, OP.

    Based on your past threads, your relationship is toxic. Quite frankly, it should have ended a while ago. Being "more open" is not going to make anything better.

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  6. #5
    Platinum Member Rose Mosse's Avatar
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    Let's just hope no one is killing anyone. Figure of speech, I know, but maybe slow down on the figurative language as it gets others riled up especially where there are emotions involved and if you're arguing. The problem is he's not someone you feel comfortable with any longer and I don't think he feels comfortable with you either. Both of you are abusing that trust in a relationship.

    You can learn to handle your own emotions in a healthier or more constructive way. It's not healthy to be putting all your grief and issues with the world on someone else. Unfortunately no one should be subjected to this. There's discussing any concerns or things troubling you with the idea of looking for feedback and there's letting loose a barrage of constant emotions on someone else. The other person can feel like they are under constant attack or there's no resting space or peace.

    Here's what I'd do:
    Right now you are upset. Think about this for a few days and understand that he's in this as much as you are. He trusts you to handle your issues and you trust him (or should trust him) to handle his. You're both capable of working through any daily or minor problems that come up in a day. If something continues to bother you after sleeping on it for a few days and you'd like some feedback, mention it to your partner. If you want to talk about this, make sure both of you are in a less heated state (pick a good time) and tell him that you haven't been as fair lately with the way you've reacted to problems in your life. You'd like the both of you to repair that trust and be open with each other. Invite him to talk about his life also.

    If he continues to belittle you, I think the trust and respect has eroded. You don't need to be around someone who doesn't love or respect you.

  7. #6
    Platinum Member DancingFool's Avatar
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    Yeah...exactly what Wiseman said - it's called fighting dirty and it's very much hard wired in him. Meaning that he is not going to change and even if you don't give him any ammo, he will still find something or even make something up to hurt you with. This is who he is. Is this acceptable to you?

    OP, looking at your other thread, the definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over again expecting a different result. You are at this level here. What's going on with you that you can't walk away from him and don't say "love" because that's not what love is.

  8. #7
    Platinum Member Andrina's Avatar
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    But Whenever we fight he would often bring up those things i opened up to him in an insulting way, as though he found my weakness and used it against me Isn't that a dealbreaker for you? Isn't that what an enemy does, and the last thing a partner should do?

    Dating is to learn what you want in a partner and what you don't want. Everybody should have must-haves and dealbreakers. One dealbreaker should be emotional abuse. So stick to your standards. His being fun and cute cannot override the bad.

    On your end, if you mean speaking about issues with past romantic relationships, just don't. When dating someone new, it's fine to give a guy a general idea of your past, such as: I dated someone for 6 months and we weren't compatible. The details and the crying about them isn't pleasant for him to hear, and it's not healthy for you to dredge up those emotions by talking about them. It's emotional baggage that will never go away if you keep all those stories presently active. Learn your lesson from the past and move on. Think about if you overdid the venting as well, as that gets tiring. I don't know if you do, but just be cognizant. I remember there was a point in time that my husband would go on too long during the night after work about work complaints. I told him that we all have bad days, and I'm happy to hear him vent as I do so with him as well. But I said that if it's too often, day after day and going on more than fifteen minutes, that it's putting me on edge and I want to enjoy my time at home after work, eating dinner and relaxing while talking about more positive things. There's a time and place for everything in moderation.

    Good luck and let us know how it goes.

  9. #8
    Platinum Member Rose Mosse's Avatar
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    Fabulous thoughts, Andrina, as always.

  10. #9
    Platinum Member Lambert's Avatar
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    This guy uses your weaknesses against you? to what end?

    win an argument?

    make you feel bad?

    make himself feel better?

    And you are asking how to change something in you?

    change boyfriends. this guy is a jerk.

  11. #10
    Super Moderator Capricorn3's Avatar
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    OP, you're together for only 10 months and he's been this way from the get-go. As you have noticed, nothing has changed. HE hasn't changed. And he never will. You being "more open" is NOT going to change a thing. He is who he is. This is part of his make-up. What you see is what you get, so maybe it's time to face reality and re-think this toxic relationship. Unless of course, you see a great and happy future together. I doubt it.

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