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Thread: afraid its too late.

  1. #1

    afraid its too late.

    I (27, nb) have gone through a lot of big changes this past year. Ive found something I am extremely passionate about, good at and has helped grow my confidence immensely as a person. I also ended up meeting someone (27, m) a little over a year ago and fell madly in love with them.

    They currently live halfway across the country from me. I have struggled a LOT with being able to balance my passion and having an LDR but when we would visit eachother it felt so perfect. Ive been through a string of awful abusive relationships ever since I started dating and have a lot of familial trauma. I for the first time not only was with someone who made me feel safe, treated me well and felt like they genuinely loved and cared about me, I also felt for the first time in my life a desire to have a family and potential child. I cant imagine having that with anyone else.
    He has 1 child currently and we started dating while he was still going through a rough breakup with the mother of his child who was extremely manipulative and abusive toward him. I helped him heal from that relationship and he told me time and time again how much he has learned to trust and communicate and be happy again, how he has also never been treated so well and wants a family and to spend the rest of his life with me.

    He came up with the idea of wanting to take his daughter and move out here and we talked about it for months. He is the primary caregiver of his daughter who is 3, and helped raise a child the mother had from a different man who is 5. The mother takes care of the 5 year old. It became increasingly difficult to balance my extremely busy and draining schedule with an LDR and I got frustrated with how it didnt really seem he was making any steps to come out here despite saying he wanted to. He talked about it with the mother a couple times with varying responses and then talked to her a third time and she said no she is not comfortable so he asked me if I would be willing to move with him. I said no and was frustrated because I have a lot going on here and a lot of ties and responsibilities regarding my passion we ended up talking less and less until finally I said I dont think I could do it anymore and didnt want to put him through anymore stress and not getting the attention he deserves.

    He agreed and we "broke up" but still clearly had feelings for eachother and would go between not talking and talking again and feeling like nothing had changed.

    Eventually, about a couple weeks ago, he talked to me about how he had started having feelings for his childs mother again that he thought might be reciprocated (she just dumped the guy she left him for) and that hit me hard. I ended up crying and we talked on the phone for hours about how we still love eachother and it felt like we might work things out.

    A week or so goes by and I get extremely busy again and dont talk much. He messaged me a few times and I didnt respond due to mental and physical exhaustion (he knows what I do is a lot) and finally while im out in the middle of something he texts me again about his confused feelings. I end up saying "I dont want to hold you back go be with her" essentially being very emotionally overwhelmed. I regret that and later ask if we can talk on the phone. He says hell try to call me later but it doesnt happen.

    Fast forward to this saturday, we hadn't talked since then and I go through something incredibly ed up and traumatizing. I witnessed a shooting and man dying out on the street and it sent me over the edge. I spent a day completely numb and then the next night I let it all out. I have a breakdown and cry for hours thinking about how that could have been me and the trauma of the past year and what ive been doing catches up to me and I realize I cant keep going like this. I want a family. I NEED a family. And I still love him. I text him I miss you while extremely upset.

    I need to talk to my best friend and my love and get comfort and tell him my outpouring of emotions. He responds with "I miss you too... But I should let you know I talked with childsmother and we both agreed to try things out again slowly and see where it goes."

    That sent me over the edge and I asked him to call me because I was hyperventilating at some point. He did and didnt really know what to say and just made sure I could calm down a little and not have an asthma attack. He said "I know youre going through a lot recently" and I said "I dont want it anymore I just watched someone die!" He I guess had unfollowed me on FB to get over me and had no idea that had happened till I said that... He had to take care of his daughter and I felt like so I let him go.

    We ended up texting more and I explained to him how much that ed me up especially him not telling me until I am in a LOT of pain even though he didnt know at the time. We ended up talking more and I basically told him that when I texted him "I miss you" I was going to tell him I want to be with him and Id be willing to sacrifice my life here to do that. I dont have a lot tying me here and I can continue my passion where he is. He had no idea of course and now its this ed up situation where I feel like a homewrecking piece of and he's confused again.

    I asked to talk on the phone one more time because I NEED to get this off my chest. If he is done with this I will respect that but I need to tell him how im feeling and why. I need to know if theres a chance. I want a family with him. In afraid now because of my own dumb inaction and inability to process my emotions due to constant stress and mental illness that chance is gone. What would you do? How would you approach this? How wrong am I for pursuing this?

    TLDR my LDR partner and I broke up due to unfortunate circumstances despite still loving eachother very deeply and I recently had an intense moment of clarity and am willing to sacrifice moving to him and make it work but he has now initiated a relationship with his ex who is the mother of his child

  2. #2

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    I think he needs to come back to you on his own accord. Please try not to freak out and keep trying to get his attention, youíre clearly going through a lot and are at the stage of being desperate to not let him slip away. He will end up doing as he pleases but donít let it be at your expense where it hurts you. Back away, go quiet and let him miss you. It didnít work out with this woman the first time. Being dumped probably bruised his ego. Let him contact you first

  3. #3
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    Originally Posted by jaskat1919x
    He has 1 child currently and we started dating while he was still going through a rough breakup with the mother of his child
    This was where you should have wished him well and stepped away.

    It is never a good idea to date someone who is not totally free and clear of a past relationship. It is never a good idea to try to help a new partner get over their previous one.

    This was a rebound, sadly, and you're seeing why you should have run from the red flags a while ago. There is no sense trying to pursue this. He wasn't over his ex when he got together with you, and now they're trying again. They have a child together. His priority is her and their family.

    I get why you're hurt, to be clear. But let this be a tough lesson never to date someone who is still going through any sort of breakup. It usually ends up exactly like this. Stop all contact with him so you can heal and one day find the person who will be available to reciprocate your love and desire for a family. This man wasn't it.

  4. #4
    Platinum Member Wiseman2's Avatar
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    Sorry to hear that. Hopefully you are under the care of your doctors and therapists for your mental health.

    If you have severe traumatic events you need to go to an ER.

    A long distance cyberpal who's in another relationship can't help you with that.

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  6. #5
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    How often did you see each other in person? He is going back to the mother of his child because he wants to. People move towards pleasure and away from pain. He is into the mother of his child more than he is into you. Plus he has a huge responsibility as a father to act in the best interests of his child -that comes before his dating life - so if in his mind he thinks he can make things work and be a family with his child and the mom he should of course put his utmost into it. Are you sure they ever really broke up? How well do you know him in person? I think you need to back off completely -of course you're disappointed, who would not be? - and let him focus on these crucial priorities and responsibilities in his life. You are not one of them under the circumstances even though from your perspective you chose to get attached to a person in this situation. Again I'm sorry this is tough for you!

  7. #6
    Platinum Member Andrina's Avatar
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    In my opinion, two people who aren't really ready to be emotionally or physically available for the average relationship, and/or having things to hide that a local person could clearly see, are the ones who seek out LDRs instead of local dating. (I'm not speaking of LDRs that started locally, such as for career moves.)

    It's cruel to have a parent move away when the other parent can't then regularly see the child. That in itself should be a dealbreaker. That situation could be avoided by dating locally.

    You spent a lot of money visiting him without reciprocation. LDRs are expensive. It's not the normal pace of dating and therefore is more likely to spell the end because it's too much time apart and then too much time together during visits, which can be smothering. You can't see your love interest regularly, and so much can be hidden. It takes longer to see the skeletons come out of the closet.

    If he'd truly broken up with his baby's mama, he should've spent that time getting his child adjusted to the new situation instead of seeking another partner.

    He's taken, so it's unethical to stay in communication, and definitely morally wrong to pour your heart out to him.

    It's great you're growing as a person and have become more confident, but this experience shows you're still not ready for dating. Continue to improve your self worth, and when you're ready to date, stick to local. When I was single on OLD, I limited dating to guys who lived within a 45 minute drive. It's so much nicer to be able to have a regular companion to enjoy life with, and not worry about a person having to uproot in major ways which you'd have to do in a LDR. Try it out. I stuck to my dating standards and it worked for me. I've been happily married for 9 years.

  8. #7
    Platinum Member melancholy123's Avatar
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    Originally Posted by MissCanuck
    This was where you should have wished him well and stepped away.

    It is never a good idea to date someone who is not totally free and clear of a past relationship. It is never a good idea to try to help a new partner get over their previous one.

    This was a rebound, sadly, and you're seeing why you should have run from the red flags a while ago. There is no sense trying to pursue this. He wasn't over his ex when he got together with you, and now they're trying again. They have a child together. His priority is her and their family.

    I get why you're hurt, to be clear. But let this be a tough lesson never to date someone who is still going through any sort of breakup. It usually ends up exactly like this. Stop all contact with him so you can heal and one day find the person who will be available to reciprocate your love and desire for a family. This man wasn't it.
    This ^^^^^.

  9. #8
    Platinum Member Rose Mosse's Avatar
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    It'd weigh on my conscience heavily being involved with someone who has responsibilities as a father or being the cause of him moving away from his children. On top of that, I could not imagine pulling two people apart. The idea makes me puke. If you're ill and upset with the situation, cut yourself some slack. I think it's natural. I don't think this is the right man for you even though he checks off all your boxes. Different time, different place, maybe. 20 years later? Why not, if you're both single.

    I think you need support with the trauma you're talking about. It shouldn't be coming from this person anymore. Time to cut loose.

    He isn't the last man on earth, OP. You can survive this and go on and find kind, loving and honest partners. I think you're stuck on the idea that you've built a future and a family with this person in your mind. It's not easy letting go of that but you can do it. It's on you though. You can make that choice.

  10. #9
    Platinum Member Lambert's Avatar
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    jaskat

    I'm sorry for all you are going through. I know it's a huge disappointment when someone goes back to their ex. It hurts and its hard to see past it.

    In your shoes, I would completely remove myself from this. Completely block, delete, & unfriend everything and anything to never talk to this person again.

    It's not about them... It's about you. Take care of your health and have patience with how you feel. It is going to feel bad for as long as it feels bad. Give yourself permission to feel bad, pull the covers over your head, eat a giant box of expensive chocolates.

    But don't let yourself stay there. Yes.... feel how you feel, but then push past it for as long as you can. Then go back to bed and repeat as needed. If you feel guilty, remember a couple of things....

    1. Its not your fault. LDR are hard. Even harder when children are involved. You didn't offer to move there, bc you didn't want to. And that's ok. You made that decision because it was the right decision for you. It's scary to break up and you back peddled, but if you really listen to your gut, you know this.

    2. He could have done more and been better to you. Therefore, you can and will find better.

    3. Be thankful for what you learned about yourself and human nature.... You might actually want a family someday. That's a huge decision and completely possible. And when you meet someone new, remember what you learned about human nature...

    People just out of relationships, regardless of what they say, what theIr circumstances are, etc, are completely unreliable. And its not because they are bad people or that you are not good enough to make them better.

    It's because we are complex beings with spiraling emotions that change, then go back and change, then go back, over and over, many times before we change for real.

    And in this guy's situation, specifically, he had a child involved. That another thing you learned. When you get involved with a parent, your needs, at times, will take a back seat to the child. And you will have to factor their children and what's best for the children into your life. Its a huge sacrifice but that's what it is.

    It was unreasonable to expect the child would be moved away from their mother. And so maybe there were some other aspects of the relationship, that you are not seeing clearly. Therefore other incompatibilities that you are lucky to be free of.

  11. #10
    Super Moderator Capricorn3's Avatar
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    Originally Posted by jaskat1919x
    I (27, nb)
    Please excuse my ignorance, but can someone please tell me what "nb" means? :-/

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