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Thread: Cohabitating please help

  1. #1

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    Cohabitating please help

    Iím looking for some advice here please.. my partner is going through divorce and Nearly there. hes in the process of removing his ex wife off the title of the home heís now living in. He wants me to move in I said I would after itís been settled. Iím having doubts because he has 2 big dogs he lets inside all the time or one barks at the door. The dogs are sniffing around for food all the time, we eat in the lounge room and they come up close to you and stare one of them so close you have to protect your plate. Iím going to start eating alone in the kitchen. He lets them on the couch pats and scratches them and these dogs smell rotten and the house stinks!! One sleeps in our room but pees inside on walls because he needs to go out in the middle of the night and heís not heard. Their beds are filthy. The other issue I have is his ex left all their furniture in the house. I can move in to their marital home but I would want to start making it a part of my place too. My partner and I have veeeery different taste I love the soft colours and curve blends and flowers and he loves the sharp corners with bold conflicting colours and nothing matches itís just loud, other than that everything is brown and orange and looks 70s. He has tried to be considerate and he feels he is compromising so he will say for example I want a couple of rugs for the house and give me the opportunity to pick from a few in regards to design so Iíll say ok that one. Then he will buy it. Thatís his compromise, I would love a couple of big floral prints but he just doesnít like them. Iíve tried talking to him to allow me to chose things I want to rather than just select. He asked me to pick a doona cover. I did. We agreed however he walked away. He hadnít fully decided.
    So Iím at a point where I want to have a straight out conversation with him rather than just all these little disagreements. Iíd like to say ok we need your dogs groomed and their bedding thrown out and replaced. We need to steam clean the two rooms theyíre mostly in and this will cost us money (heís very tight with money) The dogs should go out at dinner time and the one can come to the room and sleep providing we take it in turns to let him out in the middle of the night. We need to bath them on a regular basis. In regards to the furniture Iíd like to renovate we need to agree on a paint colour (the place needs painting and he wants to) Iíd like to start replacing things so I donít feel Iím living in the imprint of your ex wife. We need to come up with a better compromise with how we decorate.
    If anyone wants to add to this, edit or tell me Iím just a selfish tell me, because at this rate if nothing changes I donít want to move in and the relationship wonít last. I want this to work Iím just lost.

  2. #2
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    This is a married man. He is not divorced yet.
    Its possible that the wife will get the house, they will be forced to sell it and split the proceeds or he will have to give her part of the equity.
    this could be a loooong road.

    You can't go into a house that someone owns as the live in girlfriend or the roommate and start to dictate how they should decorate and how they should live their life. It won't fly.

  3. #3

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    And I totally get where youíre coming from. They have both signed the documents of change of ownership. There is no they anymore though. Itís us, as I said I wonít be moving in until itís settled anyway.. this is more about the dogs hygiene manners and all her stuff she no longer wants that was left behind.

  4. #4
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    Here's the thing. You're dating a married man. His wife still owns this house. So what I would do is tell him when his divorce is final you can keep dating (I mean I think it was a poor idea to date a married man but what's done is done). I'd then wait to move in -let him settle in to his life as a single person in his home. I'd make a list of all the dealbreaker issues you mentioned. Have it with you so when you have a dialogue - a conversation -about what you need to feel comfortable moving in - you will have a piece of paper to refer to if you get flustered or nervous.

    I mean I can't relate to your needs about interior decorating but it sounds like it's more of an issue of not wanting to be reminded of his wife every time you turn around, I get it. I absolutely could not live with animals who are allowed to be in the home the way he chooses to let them. My sense is that is not going to change. That would be a deal breaker for me -it sounds gross and unsafe.

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  6. #5
    Platinum Member smackie9's Avatar
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    Incompatibility.....need I say more? You can't come between a pet and it's owner. Like kids, if your rules don't match theirs there will be conflict.....it's his house, like he's going to change his habits for you. This is an opportune time to reassess your relationship if you want to move forward or not.
    Last edited by smackie9; 11-11-2020 at 08:09 PM.

  7. #6
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    Originally Posted by Kellyabx
    And I totally get where youíre coming from. They have both signed the documents of change of ownership. There is no they anymore though. Itís us, as I said I wonít be moving in until itís settled anyway.. this is more about the dogs hygiene manners and all her stuff she no longer wants that was left behind.
    He's still legally married to her and he still has her stuff in his home. Both of those facts are very relevant and it's what's really bothering you is my guess.

  8. #7

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    Thank you I appreciate your reply. Heís nearly there and heís definitely moved on. Theyíve signed the documents to take her name off the title theyíre just waiting for it to settle. As I mentioned thatís the only time I will move in but Iím having doubts because of what sheís left behind, the dogs hygiene mostly

  9. #8
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    Originally Posted by Kellyabx
    Thank you I appreciate your reply. Heís nearly there and heís definitely moved on. Theyíve signed the documents to take her name off the title theyíre just waiting for it to settle. As I mentioned thatís the only time I will move in but Iím having doubts because of what sheís left behind, the dogs hygiene mostly
    Are they still married? When is the divorce going to be final? Did you start dating him before they were legally separated?

  10. #9

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    I dated him after his separation

  11. #10
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    Originally Posted by Kellyabx
    I dated him after his separation
    And he is married now. When will his divorce be final? That's far more important than whether she lets him have full title to the home.

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