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Thread: Cohabitating please help

  1. #21
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    You are dating a married man and if you move into his home it will be the home he shared in the past with his current wife. The real mess isn't the dogs or the furniture -it's that he is legally married. Married man cannot date let alone live with a partner. You are his mistress for now, not his partner. I'd wait until he is single for a good long while and then talk about how to share your lives as two single people wanting to be together as a couple. Right now he is not single. He is married.

  2. #22
    Platinum Member Rose Mosse's Avatar
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    Originally Posted by Kellyabx
    Most of you are screaming out Ďmarried maní I understand but this isnít my issue, the divorce will come and he is constantly moving forward with finalising things. compatibility- yes Iíll agree. A few have said about the dogs that itís disgusting and yes it is I hate it when they roll on their backs and rub into the rugs or drag their snouts across the carpet. Other than all this he is really good to me and 100% wants a future with me. He told me before we got together he was getting a divorce but wants to be happy he will be actively finding someone he wants a relationship and common interests ( we have like traveling, camping etc) I donít want to feel like an intruder or a guest if he wants me to move in I want to blend, is this all worth throwing away because he hasnít reached the divorce destination and been alone for x amount of time? People and relationships seem so disposable these days itís sad. But if youíre all seeing red flags here and a predictable failed future then maybe I need to listen and reconsider, weíve been locked down during covid and now we can get out he wants me to meet his parents :/
    I think if the divorced issue bothers you so much, don't move in. It's as simple as that. Separated individuals do date, by the way, and they most certainly can. Whether it's recommended or not is another matter. Having gone through the separation process, I personally was not feeling good enough to date. I didn't even feel like myself. If I went out with another man, I thought of my spouse. There were also lingering items to tie up and in your case, it's this house. You decide whether this is best for you. Others can only share their experiences or thoughts.

    There is so much despair and hurt in your words, it really does call into question his judgment and your judgment together. This shouldn't be a decision weighs completely on you alone. Knowing what I know now I think it's also unfair that he's bringing another woman into his life without first looking after himself or any issues with the house, the hygiene problem and smells and his overall upkeep. Does this appear at all to you like someone who has his life together?

    I don't think you have to end the relationship just yet especially if you feel it's not right. Can you adjust or alter the timing of moving in or making any big moves?

  3. #23
    Platinum Member Andrina's Avatar
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    Never make major decision with a partner unless you've known them a solid year. I can't imagine you have, since you haven't even met his parents. And if the only way you'll be happy is for major changes to take place, such as the deal with the dogs, then don't continue on, because changes aren't guaranteed and rare when someone is used to doing things their way. If you move in under the present conditions, it means you're accepting of the situation and it's not a dealbreaker.

    What's the huge rush? Date normally. Tell him when the house is clean, the dogs are clean, and handled how you want when you've over there eating, then you'll consider moving in (after at least one year of successful dating). It's harder to extricate yourself from a relationship when you live together versus otherwise. He's a high risk to your heart right now. He didn't end one relationship before beginning another. Give him time to prove he'll be a good partner past the honeymoon stage. What's the reason his marriage broke up? How old are you two? And if you'll be putting rent money toward his mortgage and you two break up, he'll have grown all that equity and you'll be left with zero financial assets in the housing area.

  4. #24
    Platinum Member Jibralta's Avatar
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    Originally Posted by Andrina
    Never make major decision with a partner unless you've known them a solid year. I can't imagine you have, since you haven't even met his parents. And if the only way you'll be happy is for major changes to take place, such as the deal with the dogs, then don't continue on, because changes aren't guaranteed and rare when someone is used to doing things their way. If you move in under the present conditions, it means you're accepting of the situation and it's not a dealbreaker.

    What's the huge rush? Date normally. Tell him when the house is clean, the dogs are clean, and handled how you want when you've over there eating, then you'll consider moving in (after at least one year of successful dating). It's harder to extricate yourself from a relationship when you live together versus otherwise. He's a high risk to your heart right now. He didn't end one relationship before beginning another. Give him time to prove he'll be a good partner past the honeymoon stage. What's the reason his marriage broke up? How old are you two? And if you'll be putting rent money toward his mortgage and you two break up, he'll have grown all that equity and you'll be left with zero financial assets in the housing area.
    ^Sound advice!

    What's the rush? Hold out for what you want. And be wary of rushing into this relationship too fast!

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  6. #25
    Platinum Member Lambert's Avatar
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    Originally Posted by Jibralta
    ^Sound advice!

    What's the rush? Hold out for what you want. And be wary of rushing into this relationship too fast!
    I echo the "what's the rush?"

    You have to ask yourself, if he does in fact want a future with you and you have commonalities etc.... all those things will be true in the future.

    Its somewhat like a sales person that says you must buy today or you will miss the best deal of your life.

    Any time someone tries to lock you down. As in move in, but I'm still married, you gotta think, what does this guy know that I don't?

    is he acting irrationally because he is going through a traumatic event like the dissolution of his marriage?

    He could be making moves and going forward and then one day, he flipped. It happens.... just ending a relationship is major red flag....

    And only time will tell. keep your options open. he'll respect you more.

  7. #26
    Platinum Member melancholy123's Avatar
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    I predict this will not work. 6 months tops and you'll be wishing you'd never moved in.

    As for the dogs, I love dogs, the dogs should go out for a pee just before you guys go to bed so nobody gets up in the middle of the night. Perhaps the dog needs to go to the vet to see if he has a medical problem that makes him not able to hold his pee.

    This guy is still married, the ex wife can cause problems. He is a tightwad. Nope, this isn't going to work.

  8. #27
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    I would not be discussing moving in together until he is divorced.

    Full stop.

  9. #28
    Platinum Member Wiseman2's Avatar
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    Take your time and date a while first. Even though you hang out at his place, it's not yours.

    What you see is what you get. He doesn't want you to refeather his next.

    You're not only jumping way ahead of yourself, you are trying to remake him, his pets, his living habits and his home.

    Slow down! Stop playing interior decorator, pseudo-wife and housekeeper. Stand back and observe his lifestyle rather than rush in to rearrange it.

  10. #29
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    It sounds to me as if you just aren't keen on dogs. Imo, people shouldn't have dogs if they're going to keep them outside all day or treat them as anything other than a cherished member of the family. Millions of people have their dogs wanting to sniff their dinner and millions of dogs sleep in their owners' bedrooms! If you don't like all that then you're perfectly entitled to those views, and certainly there are some compromises that can be made that can keep you and the dogs happy, but ultimately if you aren't a fan of dogs, it would be disastrous to move in. If your boyfriend isn't bothered about mess or the smell of dogs, then any cleaning up would fall to you and this is unlikely to make you happy.

  11. #30

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    Originally Posted by Rose Mosse
    I think if the divorced issue bothers you so much, don't move in. It's as simple as that. Separated individuals do date, by the way, and they most certainly can. Whether it's recommended or not is another matter. Having gone through the separation process, I personally was not feeling good enough to date. I didn't even feel like myself. If I went out with another man, I thought of my spouse. There were also lingering items to tie up and in your case, it's this house. You decide whether this is best for you. Others can only share their experiences or thoughts.

    There is so much despair and hurt in your words, it really does call into question his judgment and your judgment together. This shouldn't be a decision weighs completely on you alone. Knowing what I know now I think it's also unfair that he's bringing another woman into his life without first looking after himself or any issues with the house, the hygiene problem and smells and his overall upkeep. Does this appear at all to you like someone who has his life together?

    I don't think you have to end the relationship just yet especially if you feel it's not right. Can you adjust or alter the timing of moving in or making any big moves?
    Agreed. He is very clean otherwise though his house is tidy and clean .. but those dogs omg

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