communication problems

Hi everyone,

I have been hanging out with this guy over the last couple of months. We get along really well and I would really like to start a relationship with him. When I talked about it with him he told me that we would never work out because we were too different. I was a bit shocked at first because we got along so well and we were even behaving like a couple already. It just didn't make much sense to me.

I was talking to him a few days ago on the phone. He told me that the main reason that he didn't want a relationship with me was the fact that I often didn't answer his questions, also when it was a simple yes or no, or I just stare at him and laugh. A few weeks ago we went out to dinner and during our conversation, he asked me something which was pretty personal about our relationship. He was really putting me on the spot that my mind became so cloudy that I couldn't answer his question.

We are pretty different in terms of communication. He is really extroverted and I am really introverted. In the beginning, I didn't think that it was that important. After our dinner and his explanation afterward I learned that it was, he was trying to test me because he wanted to have a connection with me. He is a really communicative person and it just wouldn't work for him if we can't be on the same level on this one. If this is the reason that he doesn't want to be in a relationship with me I would be really sad because I think this is solvable on my part. It's not that I didn't want to share my thoughts with him, it's totally the opposite, I want to build a connection with him as well. He is the only person I know at the moment that I trust enough to share my feelings. I do have to add that sometimes I am wondering if I am good enough for him, but that's mainly my lack of self-confidence talking, maybe that's why sometimes I am a bit hesitant to say anything. He means so much to me that it also hurts me that I made him feel this way.

I really hope I can work things out with him. I'm just not sure what to do from here.

Well, Saskia, he did give you a very straight answer:

"When I talked about it with him he told me that we would never work out because we were too different"

Not answering a straight question has nothing to do with either introversion or extraversion. But you do mention your lack of self-confidence, which again has nothing to do with "introverted".

Perhaps, if you wish, you have a talk with him and set out the matter as you have done here with us. Yet I feel he may already have made up his mind.

There's nothing to work out. If you want to pique his interest, dial it back. When someone gives you a clear word that he/she isn't interested, don't give in to any mind games. Simply cut off contact. He's got a fair idea right now that you have low self-esteem and that's going to trigger you to work harder for him. Do the opposite.

This isn't a game of coercion or silly reverse psychology although it can be. You have to take care of yourself a bit better than this. In fact, I'm certain you know that you are better than this.

So you're not his cup of tea, but that won't be the case with Mr. Right. In past relationships, the issues other men spoke of that bothered them about me have never been brought up by my husband. With all of those experiences, I can now see it was the men that had psychological issues, not me.

When a man comes up with reasons not to be with you, it's time to go. The right man will make you feel like the special person you are.

Of course, if you see a clear pattern that every man you date sees you as closed off or whatever may be the case, perhaps you can study up on your own psychology and see if there is any way you can improve on that part of your behavior. Good luck.

You see, Saskia, regardless of who the other person is

"..when it was a simple yes or no, or I just stare at him and laugh."

It is a worthwhile skill to learn how to answer a straight question with a straight yes or no answer.

There is a difference between say (example):

How do you feel about space travel?

and

Would you travel to outer space?

The latter is "yes" or "no".

And if then asked "why yes" or "why no" that is an open-ended question.

When someone forms an opinion of you during the first two months, that isn't really something you can rewrite. Afterall, you were being yourself and there is nothing wrong with that.

For him, he didn't feel able to a connect and without connection there was no chemistry.

You don't want to return and try to be someone you are not. Honor yourself.

Take away a lesson from this the next time you date. There is nothing wrong with being an introvert but try to share a little more next time and understand that a dates questions are an attempt to create an emotional connection between the two of you.

The next guy may see the beauty in you and may have a little more patience.

I am sorry this didn't work out.

There is an old saying, "opposites attract at first but then they clash". It is very very true and the reason why most relationships like this don't work out. It can work out in some cases, where two people are slightly opposite, but not to the extreme that you are describing in this case.

Overall, never get hung up on a situation where you need to fundamentally change who you are in order to be with that person. It's toxic and will never work out anyway. You should never lose yourself when dating someone. Instead, look for someone who likes you as you are for who you are and connects with you on your level. The fact that this guy is the only person you know that you are currently comfortable with, is not a reason to cling on, especially when you were so ruthlessly and rather cruelly rejected. Do you even realize that he was pretty mean to you and that sh$t testing people isn't very nice or decent?

Please understand also that when you are talking extrovert v. introvert, the differences run way deeper than just communication.

I agree you are overthinking this. There's no communication problem except that you're not communicating honestly with yourself - he told you he is not interested in a relationship with you. Respect that. Accept that, don't badger him as to why -it really doesn't matter other than maybe if he points things out you can improve on for future interactions with other people (not with him) that could help. Ask yourself -why are you chasing someone who doesn't want to be with you?

Well, Saskia, after all those responses are you now somewhat more sure about what you intend to do going forward?

Maybe time to take a break and work on this aspect:

"mainly my lack of self-confidence talking, maybe that's why sometimes I am a bit hesitant to say anything."

Sorry to hear this. Don't you think it's strange that he beats you up about your personality, rejects having a relationship, yet continues to hang out? How old is he?

His "different" excuse is simply a way to string you along. Pull yourself together and stop putting up with a FWB situation if in fact you wish to have a solid relationship

It's 8 weeks, that enough time for you to decide that this is not someone who respects you. Don't put anyone on a pedestal.

I have been hanging out with this guy over the last couple of months.

 

I talked about it with him he told me that we would never work out because we were too different.

He has made an attempt to get to know you/date you. During this process he has discovered this isn't working for him and lucky for you he has taken the time to explain it instead of ghosting on you. Nothing wrong with either of you, he's not a bad person you are not bad person..... He spoke the truth and I agree with him, that you two are just too different. He is disappointed as much as you are. Oh well that's life....move on.

You’re fine the way you are. Don’t try to ‘change’ just to fit the round peg into the square hole.

Why do you need to "solve" anything?

You don't need to shape yourself into who you think he wants you to be. It hurts, but he's letting you know it just isn't the right fit for him. It doesn't mean one of you is wrong but rather that you are not compatible just being who you are.

 

 

 

I was talking to him a few days ago on the phone. He told me that the main reason that he didn't want a relationship with me was the fact that I often didn't answer his questions, also when it was a simple yes or no, or I just stare at him and laugh. A few weeks ago we went out to dinner and during our conversation, he asked me something which was pretty personal about our relationship. He was really putting me on the spot that my mind became so cloudy that I couldn't answer his question.

 

In one breath you stated that he didn't want a relationship with you, yet in the next breath you stated he asked a personal question about your relationship. I'm confused, which is it?

Despite the confusion and although I could be off base, I have a hunch that you're viewing FWBs as a relationship, it's not. More than likely he's looking at it as "What a deal." It's time for you to raise the bar.

If this is the reason that he doesn't want to be in a relationship with me I would be really sad because I think this is solvable on my part.

Why not start by telling him this, then?

See what he says.