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Thread: Helping someone who cannot be helped?

  1. #41
    I'm going to bed now. Thanks so much for all your insight everyone. The quality of insight and perspectives offered here by you people is the absolute best out there. Just reading and replying to your posts is extremely therapeutic, and forces me to have better clarity of the situation

    I'm so happy I found this forum 10 years ago when I went through my first breakup

  2. #42
    Platinum Member smackie9's Avatar
    Join Date
    Sep 2013
    Surrey BC, Canada
    Since you have never met this person and it's been all online, how can you truly know what is going on with this person?...you are only accepting what she tells you....reality check: people lie.
    I suspect a lot of what she tells you is bull and she does it to capture vulnerable men like yourself who unknowingly seek attention for themselves. Look up white knight syndrome. You are having codependency issues due to your lack of self worth. Helping this damsel in distress makes you feel of worth and value as you gallantly lay yourself down for her, spending your time with what you think is a worthy cause. You did what you could to protect yourself, but you have to admit you got pulled in hook, line and sinker.

  3. #43
    Super Moderator Capricorn3's Avatar
    Join Date
    Apr 2009
    Originally Posted by weirdsituati
    You probably won't believe me but I would prefer her to end contact with me, then I wouldn't have the guilt of taking away her best friend.
    OP, don't flatter yourself. Trust me, she'll manage just fine without you. She doesn't need you. Do the right thing and end contact with her and change your number. Will you be man enough to do so?

    But I also am a self acknowledged unhealthy individual
    I think most everyone here will agree with that. It is not her that needs therapy, but YOU. Everything about what you're doing and saying is extremely disconcerting and concerning (imo). I would even go as far as calling it creepy. Please, leave her alone and get help to sort out your own issues.

  4. #44
    Platinum Member Rose Mosse's Avatar
    Join Date
    Mar 2019
    Originally Posted by weirdsituati
    I'm going to seriously work on my self worth issues. It's become clear that's what's the main issue here, thanks to the help from the people on here. I will take that money and invest it in fixing my own issues and whatever is driving this behavior of mine
    Maybe it's self worth... maybe it's something else like purpose, having something to live for or work towards or believe in. I think most people need this. There's always a choice and those little choices lead to bigger choices and all of it makes up that lovely kaleidoscope that's you.

    There's some truth to what you said about helping others to help ourselves. You can still do that volunteering or engaging with others on a less personal and completely non-romantic level. The moment emotions or personal attachments come into play I think there tends to be some blurred lines and a lot of confusion. There are other ways to channel that desire to give back to a community or others in the community. Once you find purpose in that, maybe you'll find that these 'quasi' romantic liaisons aren't necessary or simply aren't what you ever wanted in the first place. There is a certain togetherness in all the loneliness, I believe.

    The good part? You're alive and cognizant and appear to show signs of wanting to connect with others.

    The not so good part? The method maybe needs a little tweaking.

    Always a silver lining... and those choices though. They're a good thing.


  6. #45
    Platinum Member Jibralta's Avatar
    Join Date
    Mar 2016
    Originally Posted by weirdsituati
    What's your take on this situation? Am I extremely weird to put myself in this situation? Was I very unfair to make such a rule that she must stay out of relationships / hookup culture if she wants my help? I'm realizing now that it's a ridiculous stipulation to put on someone - I was looking for some assurance that my time wouldn't be wasted, even though it's pretty obvious that it would be. I blame myself for this situation 100%, not her
    Although you are kind to be concerned, I think part of what she's going through is the natural process of being a 20-something. Relationships are often the focus of their life. This girl is drawn to crap guys, but she may grow out of that. She's still figuring out what she wants, which is why she is so flakey.

    Her behavior seems desperate to you, because you're all grown up. I can actually relate, because I went to graduate school at 30, and interacted with people who were 22 - 29. There was a noticeable maturity drop in the people who were younger than 24, especially the Americans. They had totally different thought processes and priorities than the older students. And they also looked up to the older students for validation.

    If you weren't attracted to this girl, I think you would probably find her difficult to tolerate. All she does is bring her drama into your life. So you need to question your own motives, here. What are you looking for?

  7. #46
    Platinum Member catfeeder's Avatar
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    Nov 2008
    New Jersey
    Originally Posted by DancingFool
    The person who needs the therapy is you though.

    Wanting to fix others is avoiding fixing yourself and addressing your own issues.
    Yep. People are not projects. If you want a distraction, go find a hobby.

    An adult is fully capable of hiring a therapist if they want one. Asking someone to become who they don't really want to be in exchange for your time is really asking them to become who YOU want them to be.

    So point your focus toward yourself, instead. If you want to help someone, help YOU first.

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